OK, I'm trying to sort through where I'm being oversensitive, and where I may genuinely have reason to feel insulted.

It's a major pet peeve of mine to be told what I already know. From about adolescence on, I've had a tendency to not want to do something the minute I was ordered to, even if I had been perfectly willing to do it before the order came. I may have been on my way to do exactly that thing, but then someone will step in and tell me to do it, and I would take the attitude of, "Well, I was going to do that, until you told me to, and now I won't." My reasoning, as hard as it has been to communicate, is that I wanted the satisfaction of knowing that *I* knew what needed to be done, and that I had the character and integrity to do it without having to be told. I would have done it of my own accord, if given the chance. As soon as the order came, that feeling of self-respect and pride in my sufficiency as a human being was taken away, and doing that thing now meant I was merely following orders like a good little girl. To all appearances, it would look as if I wouldn't have known to do it, and then someone told me to, and good little me, I doo'd it. It took the wind out of my sails. I never could get anyone to understand how it felt. I'd try, and they'd only answer with a frustrated, "Why can't you just do as you're told?"

Please understand, the issue has never been that I didn't want to do the thing I was told to do. It was always that I wanted the chance to demonstrate that I knew to do it, without being told, and being told robbed me of showing it.

And it still goes on. Mike does not give me orders; I want to be fair to him. He only makes requests. He *asks* me if I could please kindly do something. But his timing is such that maybe I've only been awake 5 minutes, and I haven't had a chance to do that thing yet. I would have, without his reminder, but he didn't give me an opportunity to show that, did he? It could be a chore I just did yesterday, and it needs doing again because it's an every day thing, but if I just did it yesterday and he didn't have to ask me to, why would he think I need a reminder today? And I have that same old feeling of being insulted. I think to myself, "What is it about me that people think I'm so stupid I wouldn't have known to do that unless they say something?"

Especially when it's something I take pride in, like the housework. You know how some men determine their self-worth by the size of their income, and some women determine theirs by the appearance of the house? I am one of those women. As a child I was subject to constant negative predictions, as in, "I'll hate to see HER house when she grows up." I am very careful to prove all those naysayers wrong, and I try to keep my house spotless. Mike knows how fanatical I am about things being neat and organized. So this makes it even more confusing. Knowing this, WHY does he then feel he needs to remind me to sweep the bathroom floor because the cats knocked litter out of the box? (Before anyone says anything, I understand why he doesn't just do it himself if it bothers him. He has a structural weakness in his esophagus that causes a hypersensitive gag reflex. I have seen him deal with cat litter before, and it makes him vomit every time. I don't mind handling the cat chores, in light of that. There are also some chores I can't do, and he covers them.)

Further wrinkles in this situation:

1. I am very sensitive about being considered stupid. Lifelong issue for me. As a student in school I was the female Arnold Horshack with my hand in the air, "Oooh, oooh, call on me!" I wanted to show that I knew the answer, since this would prove I wasn't stupid like people constantly told me I was. It took me until years into my adulthood to figure out that those who called me stupid were using a definition other than "doesn't know the right answer to the teacher's question," and that I didn't actually have to prove I was intelligent. Still, that sensitivity remains. I would rather be considered fat, ugly, crazy, anything besides stupid.

2. Although they worked comparable hours (even the same employer) Mike's first wife actually was a bit of a do-nothing around the house, and did have to be told those things. Mike got used to having to do everything himself. (They didn't have cats.)

Please share any insight you have. Thank you.

[StrongerMan]

Hi Lovebirdsflying,

I relate to what your saying about someone jumping in and stealing your thunder. Sounds to me like you have your answer as to why you think this way. It is tragic how parents can ingrain in us the wherewithal to either go out and conquer the world or be fearful of it. To let criticism or direction plague us and ruin even a second of our life or to just let it roll off our backs without a care. So many of us build our self worth off of what others think of us. You can learn to manage these feelings. You can simply say to that person that "jumps your gun" that "hey! I was just about to do that, thanks!", and say it with a smile on your face or give them a hug even though inside it is uncomfortable. In other words, you can keep these feelings from affecting your daily life and your interaction with those around you. Those people can't read your mind and know what you were about to do and they can also act in rude ways without realizing it. But you can talk with them about your feelings and, if they are unreasonable in their behavior, you can attempt to get them to alter it a bit for the sake of getting along better. Hope that makes sense.

StrongerMan

To be clear, since I forgot to say this the first time, I no longer refuse to do things just because I was told to, as I did when I was an adolescent. The fact remains that they do need to be done, so there is no point in not doing them. It still ends up looking, though, like I wouldn't have done it unless I was reminded. That's what I have trouble with.

[InnerPeaceSession]

I have always wanted to be impervious to criticism but that has not been the case.
Even after a great deal of so called evolution, I still get hurt when someone I didn't do something right.
Even something like I laugh too loud will get my attention.

I am not saying I have not improved but I was expecting to be above it.

Turns out I am human.

I hear you on the laugh thing. I laugh like a brain-damaged walrus, myself, and don't think I don't know it.

[StrongerMan]

I apologize if I sounded like I was presuming or affixing anything onto you that doesn't apply. Didn't mean to imply anything. I was just expanding as I am wont to do. To be frank, IMO, this sounds like hyper-controlling behavior and thought patterns. The way you chose to not directly address my post is very indicative of that. A dismissive, black and white attitude speaks volumes. When you get older you may find life is too short to worry about trivial things like a spotless house or what people think you were going to do. Life brings a desensitization to these types of things, but slowly. Better to start now and refocus the brain toward more positive and productive thoughts.

I don't know how old you think I am, sir, but I have grandchildren. I would appreciate not being condescending toward me.

[unaluna]

let me just jump in here and say, T says I have spoken to him like that, as if he wouldn't do something unless I said it, and that at those times I sound like my mother, which REALLY make him not want to do the thing I ask.

No, we don't need a couples counselor too. It usually happens at vacation time when I ask him to "stop by my apartment on his way home from the airport" which is code for... absolutely nothing. He says I sound like my mother commanding a visit, assuming no one would voluntarily visit. And that's true, she demands it, she doesn't LET us love her, she MAKES us love her. So it is very much a control and respect and a think before you speak issue. It is verbal mounting behaviour, if your reaction to it is, "do you think I'm stupid?!", IMO. Unless they have Tourrette's and can't help speaking. Otherwise they need to shut it. When is the Who Wants To Win A Date With Hanky Telethon?

Ohmygosh! LovebirdsFlying, I could have written much of your post myself. Especially when I was younger, I'd refuse to do something if I was TOLD, because I wanted to be given the benefit of the doubt that I would do it myself, without the nagging, after which I'd be all 'well I WAS going to do it but now you can just whistle!' Thing is, it wasn't just household chores etc, I even put off learning to drive, in part down to this very issue - which only hurt myself - but I was SO determined to do it on my own terms.

I think the deeper issue here is my own self-perception, which I might project on to others, since they ask/tell me to do something, and my first inner reaction is, "Do you think I'm so stupid I wouldn't have known to do that?" My husband (and mother) are not the only culprits. Perfect strangers have been known to feel the need to tell me basic, elementary things any normal four-year-old would know. When I was working as a checkout clerk in a grocery store, a co-worker thought she had to inform me that the helium balloon a customer was purchasing would float away if I didn't keep it anchored. I was in my 30's, and she thought I didn't know that? I could cite more examples.

I believe I might send off some kind of "I'm stupid" signal to people. In fact I have always been under the impression that people consider me stupid, which is why I was that hand-waving know-it-all in class.

[unaluna]

Wow. My mum & bro do in fact think I'm stupid, but they are projecting. I'm the one with the high IQ, the good grades, the ability to get a job wherever, to make friends, to go on stage, to learn languages, to make things, to travel on my own, to do something besides engage my addiction. At least I was that person until they beat me down, I don't know how much of her is left.

My point WAS, someone looked at us like we were stupid every day of our lives while we were growing up. That will put a different face on you than if they looked at you like you were smart and beautiful, no matter what's REALLY on the inside OR outside. My T also says I treat him as if he were my mother and not himself. For having been there for only 45 minutes 7 years ago, she certainly shows up in the room a lot!

I know when I overreact to people, it's because they are doing something that triggers me. I will say it that way now, because it's not that they "remind" me of her, they are triggering something that needs healing in me, a negative introject (mum's internalized voice - are you stupid? don't you have any common sense? not if you never talk to me, mom) that needs dealing with.

[Open Eyes]

(((Lovebirdsflying)))))

Hankster is pretty accurate about ingrained negetive messages as well as deep desires to do things where other individuals can't find a way to posses us somehow or find fault, order us around.

I completely understand how you get triggered when people treat you as if you are mindless or cant perform a task without being told. And often we have these triggers like this and it does come from working around being degraded in someway in our past. And often it can come from never truely feeling appreciated as well. It can also come from the fact that when you do things, its just your job and not your choice. For example, you have a clean house and it is important to you, but it is also work and inside, if you don't get it done you feel guilty yourself, but when someone
also points at it it can make you flare up.

Often, and I noticed this in myself as well, we can devise or own internal value system and we do try to stay with that system and as we do we feel satisfied. And we also individually like to feel like we have our own free will in these things that we like to accomplish in our routines. But when someone else starts to take over and step into our own space and freedom of determining or task priorities, it takes that personal sense of structure away. And much of that is that we like to be in charge and often we are our own tough task masters. And I think that we tend to push ourselves already for a kind of perfection and even personal criticism about what we need to get done. And when other people step in and start to order, it really is personal.

One of my pet peeves is when I have had a busy day and I do a lot of things, but I dont get every little thing done. Then my husband or someone comes along and they don't see all the things I DID do, they just point to what didn't get done. And that always upsets me. Does that ever happen to you?

And I am at the point where, ok, ****you, I am going to just do what I want to do.
But even when I do that and don't pressure myself things are pointed out that I didn't get done.

Now as far as these triggers go, it is important to really think about how you allow these behaviors in others to effect you. Instead of allowing it to make you feel stupid, the reality is that the person who makes the unnecessary statements IS THE ONE WHO IS STUPID. For example for the helium balloon, that was not really because you are stupid, it may have been something that other person had to realize, and it also may have been something else someone else didn't get. So, people who make these simple directions for the obvious often do it out of habit. They are often the ones that need to either mentally remind themselves or feel a need to constantly cover all the bases and recite things that need to get done.
So, in many ways what they are saying about themselves is not that your stupid, but they need to internally remind and state things because they are often forgetful or judge themselves poorly or it could just be on their habitual task list and just doesn't have anything to do with you.

And the only other way that you can prevent this in your home surroundings is to actually have a sit down talk and have a list that you and your husband make up of how to respect personal boundaries. And your actually going to write his issues, things that you might say that upset him, because everyone has these little triggers. And that way you can put that list up somewhere and work at it. And at least you know it is there and so does the other person, so that way it is no longer a kind of hidden mind game.

Your not alone in these little pet peeves.

Open Eyes