[Myzen]

Hi Folks,

According to the dictionary, 'embroilment' is 'an intricate and confusing personal or political situation'.

Having recently pulled out of running a poetry event for reasons that would confuse Machiavelli himself, I am back in re-evaluation mode.

This has been going on for 3 years now, and I can't get a grip on it. I live (as you folks know) quietly at home with my wife, and collect rare books, write, play some music etc. I also travel a good deal with my book collecting.

The problem arises whenever I go out of the front door in my hometown. Because I don't have much social contact here on weekdays I have felt a bit lonely and dropped into a couple of poetry/ writers groups etc. Maybe because I still look like a teacher, or because of my enthusiasm for writing and music, I am quickly embroiled. I've managed to turn down various offers, but I have also been caught up with some things, and then disappointed people subsequently.

I think the problem is that I still hanker after the role I had in teaching, but my moods change nowadays with the illness and other people can't be expected to understand this. So I have made some promises and then I have let people down. That upsets me very much.

So, I look well physically, I am enthusiastic about writing, and I tend to say yes to anything, and make promises just to please people. I then get panicky and let people down, with all the embarrassment that this causes to me and others.

My only strategy so far has been to cut off from the situations, and get on with something else. Fortunately I have commitments which take me away fom this small provincial town and my local embarrassments. But - when I'm here I feel like I'm living inside a Tchekov play!!

So, I am back where I have been before, which is quietly at home, reconsidering my failed strategies. My wife says that my situation is 'absolutely tragic' as I always end up shutting down again.

Well, what do we think folks? Is there a way out of this maze? It's pretty obvious that embroilment is getting to be a pattern, and that my recent social forays have been a mess, and agonising too.

Good thoughts, M

PS - To make matters even worse, I have told a couple of people in 3d that I post here at PC, and they will be able to read this if they want. Why do I do this? My wife and daughter told me that I was mad to cross 3d with my safety zone, and they were right!

[Myzen]

Myzen,

You have been a complete fool and you should sort your life out and get on with something useful!

Cheers,

Myzen

[SweetSunshine]

Myzen~

I too have got commitment issues like this once in awhile. I am figuring it as being more an issue of my being bipolar though . We tend to say yes to doing things and then back out . That happens alot with manic periods that we agree to do things. I am not sure since I dont think you've been dx'd with bipolar that I can tell you what needs to be done. Except to maybe tell them that you will need to think it over before you make a commitment.

Now as far as you telling people in your life about this place. I think its your way of reaching out to give them a chance to see how things are for you. That its real, it bothers you that its hard to keep commitments. And you want them to know that your intentions are always good. And maybe your trying to gain their understanding too. I too have done this. Last March when I was in the hospital, two of my friends here in town became even more concerned about me. They wanted to make sure that I didnt hide things from them , or keep my feelings in anymore. So I gave them the link to another forum we are members at . I see them check in every once in awhile. Which is ok to me.I am glad I got good friends like that.The one girl has been my friend since first grade!!!!! That makes 31 years of friendship. I still have a safe haven I feel even though I did share it with them.They are only looking out for my best interests. And for that I am truely grateful!

The only other suggestion I have is for you to go see your pdoc again and see if he/she thinks there is another medication, or even a dx that has come to light.

Hang in there Myzen. I hope things ease up for you!!! Hope this helps a bit.

Hugz~
Bethy

[SweetSunshine]

If you just get them ants out of your pants Myxen... I was replying !! You didnt have to reply to yourself and your NOT A FOOL!!!!

((((((((((((((MYZEN))))))))))))))

Hugz~
Bethy

[Myzen]

Hi Bethy,

That was a good reply, insightful and truthful.

Don't worry about me replying to myself, it was only a joke.

You have mentioned the dreaded (for me) bipolar. So far my dx's are panic disorder and phasal depression. My pattern has been down swings every three months or so, with little 'jerks' in between, which I can usually cover up. I thought that the phasal thing covered my mood swings but I have to admit that the depression does have a bipolar flavour. I dread it because my Dad had it and he wasn't good to be around. My work is cut out being steady for my immediate family, which I do pretty well.

The thing that I dread more than bipolar is the medication for it, as I have worked with adult students who were on high dose lithium and I know the score. Maybe meds have improved since then. Also I don't get a manic phase, just normally cheerful or miserable. My people pleasing seems to come all the time, like a knee jerk reaction; feels like social anxiety.

Thanks for your info about 3d friends; I guess I'm oversensitive about that and it sounds like it has worked OK for you.

Cheers, feeling better, M

[SweetSunshine]

Myzen~
Bipolar can be a trip and a half at times,but it is maintainable with meds. And there are many out there . I have been on 2 so far. The one I am on now is Topomax. With my antidepressant being Cymbalta.So far its a good combo. Meds have come a long way.

I dont think you are oversensitive about things Myzen, you just needed a different way of looking at why you may have given them this link is all.
Take care~
Hugz~
Bethy

Thanks to a sort of friend (you know the kind they only come around when they want something after the two parties involved become friends) Anyway thanks to her I am known as "the author" in this complex where I live. I walk out the door and there is this neighbor or that saying " hey I'm so and so and I am writing a book too maybe we can get together bla bla bla".

the way I handle this is first I say "oh hi there I'm so and so and I was just on my way out. How about we talk some other time when Im not pulling my hair out with my appointments, groups and so on. It will be SOOO nice to just sit and relax with you. I don't get much time for coffee with my neighbors otherwise I would have come aroud sooner. How about (day and time Im available). then I go on my way. The person gets the point that I need a life outside of my writing and I have time to decide how I want to handle their upcoming "writing a book can you help me?" questions.

When I was in another state and people recognized me from my public days and they stopped me for guest speaking engagements I was ready. I told them "Right now Im not doing those type of engagements but I can give you some names and numbers of someone that can help you with this."

I got these names and numbers from those that I met during my public days and also by calling a variety of community agencys on a variety of subjects and explained who I was and I was compiling a list of local agencies that would love to be a public resource for speaking engagements since I had to back out of the limelight for a bit.

I don't go into details about why I'm not so public with anyone for they loose interest if it goes past their own ajenda of getting me to commit to helping them write and so on, and my mental health is no ones business anyway unless they are a very close friend who is a part of my daily life.

For me my mental health is personal information just like a persons sex life is their own and no one elses business. No one needs to know any info that I don't want to share.

[Myzen]

Myself,

You've been there. It helps to hear about it. I too have got some contacts with younger writers and have been passing on gigs and workshops to them. Some of it is paid work that I don't want these days.

I carefully chose poets that I don't know so well, so that there is no intimate connection with them. When I do a poetry gig myself I tend to choose something a long way from home, at least 50 miles, sometimes 100 miles. That way I feel more comfortable.

Yes, the thing about being pestered is a real problem, and I have posted about it here on the site before. In your case it sounds like the building you live in makes you vulnerable and in my case it's the small town I think. People, especially retired people, don't have much to do and so they are interested in a new face I guess.

I've really struggled with the privacy thing. To most people I say nothing, but then my sudden absences seem to upset them. Also people don't give up, so I've let them down several times and that's bad. I'm running out of excuses.

I can really see how our illnesses drive us into isolation, it seems to be the natural progression.

Cheers, M

[Lexicon78]

I have the same problem. After letting countless numbers of people down, I've tried to make an attempt at not making promises and not making plans with anyone. Sometimes this can be difficult, but I try to do my best at sticking to this plan. Like if I make plans or promise something to someone I ALWAYS back out at the last moment. So the best thing for me is to not do that! I know it must be almost impossible for someone who is married or who has children to do this, as there are many commitments that must be made.

Hang in there.

[jmo531]

Myzen,

I know how you are feeling. I too commit myself to things and back out at the last moment because of my anxiety Like Lexicon, I too have stopped doing it because not only do I have the anxiety to deal with, I also have the guilt and anguish of letting the other people down as well.

You tend to take alot on at once. I suspect you do this for several reasons. 1) you are a people pleaser . 2) you really have all good intensions of following through because you enjoy activities. 3) Because you are a nice guy. You also may do this because at the moment you take on these commitments you may feel "safe" and "strong", but as the occasion arises, the anxiety gets the best of you. Beleive me, I know how this can be. Anxiety is the pits. It is a constant. There is no escape, no way out. But as you once told me, there are tools to deal with what we have. Remember, you are only one person. Taking on too much at a time is enough to exhaust anyone, even a person who doesnt suffer from anxiety and depression. I would keep a log of your commitments. Possibly setting a "maximum" per month that you will allow yourself to commit too. Just an idea.

Also, letting people in 3d know about PC. Well, hmmmmmmmmmm. I have told my closest friend about this site. I have exactly told her the name of it but did fill her in on the details of it and how it has helped me. She thought it to be a great outlet for me. My husband know and those are the only people that I felt comfortable in telling. Well, I did tell my T and PDoc as well.
I guess I am curious as to why you told them of PC. Do you consider these people "safe" people? I dont critisize you for it.

Do you journal Myzen? I forgot if you did or not. I know you dont take meds and I think you have done quite well maintaining a healthy life without them actually. I wish I had just half your will and strength. I am not suggesting meds, but perhaps therpay. I know that a trained professional can help you deal with the issues you are having surrounding your anxiety. Perhaps new ideas in coping. CBT. Even talking about our fears and thoughts helps. Especially when speaking to a trained professional. I know when speaking with my T, it always made things less heavy for me, ya know.

You always have me to talk to as well. I am not a trained professional but I sure as heck know anxiety and what it can do and what it feels like. Just talking helps.

I hope I didnt stray too far off track here. I tend to babble and get carried away easily.LOL.

Good thoughts to you Myzen


Huggles

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Myzen said:
Myzen,

You have been a complete fool and you should sort your life out and get on with something useful!

Cheers,

Myzen

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

lmfao I don't know about the rest of it my anxiety makes me not commit anymore but hahaha your sense of humor is awesome

[Myzen]

Hi Jen,

Well, it's certainly not babbling. Your post is sensible and to the point, as always.

The stuff you said about the anxiety is so true. "As the occasion arises, the anxiety gets the best of you." that is a textbook line.

The reason I mentioned PC to a couple of people is that I have contributed articles to the newsletter, and I'm pleased with that. It feels like real work, the kind of stuff I used to do before the illness. Then I realised that they could read the articles and tie them in with the forum. Doh!

I have had a session of therapy, a couple of years back, and sorted the big issues. All I am left with is this thing about trying to be the person I was and not accepting who I am now.

For instance, I recently played guitar at a music event. I went on last, which is stressful, and played a very short set, both singing and playing. The audience loved it and I felt so good. The next day the organisers phoned me twice to ask me back to do more, and even invited me to their own New Years party (at their home). I turned the offers down.

Once upon a time I would have been on cloud nine over these offers, but now my life is different, and I knew I couldn't go further with it. It is heartbreaking to be constrained like this, but I know that lots of people have it worse, and I did get to play my guitar. I can do things if I do it quick, and then get off. I can sneak past the anxiety sometimes.

I have wondered about bipolar, as I have some mood swings, but the overwhelming symptom for me is anxiety, in all it's forms. I have been pretty stubborn over the meds, I'll admit that, so maybe I'll look at some options, as you suggest. What I would really like is a 3d support group. I've had the one to one therapy, so some group therapy would be good, especially as I have the social anxiety as well. I'm going to check this out.

Thanks Jen.

M

[jmo531]

Hey Myzen

Group Therapy sounds good. I know for me, talking and interacting with people who suffer like us makes me feel understood and at ease with revealing more of my anxiety symptoms. Perhaps contacting a counselling office to see if the have group therapy available.

I am with ya Myzen, I thought of Bipolar too at times. I am up, then down, then up and then down again. I too am plagued with anxiety in all its ugliness. Every aspect from the sweating, to the shakes, frequent bathroom usuage, and paralizing fear. Beleive me, I understand you 100%.

I am proud of you for taking that extra step and playing guitar at the music event. You took a huge step that I dont think I could ever take. Bravo Myzen

I dont blame you for telling others about PC either. Dont be so hard on yourself about that. You never know, word of mouth....works in mysterious ways. They may know someone in need of online support.

Keep your head up Myzen. We are all here for you.

Huggles,

Jen

[Merlin]

Relating to Bipolar, which I always feared and now am diagnosed with, there are many professionals who things that it's definition needs to be expanded, to include anxiety or irritability as a possible pole. Still I think that it's not a fun diagnosis to have since it's considered a life long disability and tends to get worse. In my case I am worried about going from Bipolar 2 to Bipolar 1, although since I think I have mixed episodes I may have already. Anyway I know I am babbling.

It's very easy to commit to things that are far away since you really don't feel the anxiety until closer to the event. I guess we have to try to envision how we will fill during the period, weeks or days, before the event we are committing to and decide whether we will be able to do it. Since I know that how ever much I disappoint the people or groups I commit to when back out the guilt eats me alive and makes me less healthy and able to fulfill commitments. Ok, I'm still babbling so I am going to stop now. Take Care Myzen, and it's ok not to make commitments.

Laura

[Myzen]

Hi Light and Dark,

I agree with you about bipolar. IMHO if we have any mood swings or repeating episodes in our illness then that is also a kind of bipolar. I have always thought that the lack of mania in my case meant that I didn't have it, but there is a phasal swing, from quite acute anxiety and irritability, down to low level anxiety, and then back up again. Most of the time I can control it so well that people don't even notice, which is why I get into social muddles think.

I agree with you about the commitments. If we can just get to a norm of what we can actually achieve, (even if that's nothing!) and then stick to it, then we have some balance.

On the good side, I'm not sure that these swings always get worse. My Dad was the same all his life and people tell me that I am getting a little better if anything. I display less temper and volatility than many 'regular' people, which is probably why I get a lot of social invitations. People seem to be drawn to the calmness that they perceive, not realising that I am having to work so hard to hold it in place.

Gosh, it's a game and no mistake.

Good thoughts, M

[dutchess]

i do that when ppl phone up from other companies trying to change my phone,gas,electric etc. My cpn has given me a role to play out i answer and before their spill i say i am happy with my current supply no thanks and before they say another i'm to put the phone down.
and if they come to my door which i hope will stop me loads of different suppliers charging me i dont know if this helps you need to find a stopping stragie (ops sorry cant spell it) if you like you can bounce ideas off of us good luck xxx

[wisewoman]

Myzen, I do not know if this applies so take it or leave it. For me, I may want to do a specific thing at a specific time with someone. Then the time comes and I am too anxious or in a place of wanting solitude. I tend to need a lot of solitude and I am not sure that is always healthy so at times I force myself to do the event and it goes fine. I missed so many things this past summer that I regret. Sometimes if I can just make myself do it it works out.

[Myzen]

Hi Dutchess,

I know what you mean about the phone calls. I'm not so bad with business stuff, as I am able to distance those people in my mind, and I can put on an act (just like the salespeople are doing). I do think that is terrible that sales people hassle us though; we don't need it.

It's the social stuff that does for me every time. The more intimate the situation is, the harder I find it to say 'No'. It's like people get under my guard somehow. All this comes from childhood IMHO.

Cheers, M

[Myzen]

Hi Wisewoman,

Yes, you are right. I'll still be rising to challenges in 2006, but I hope they will be challenges of my own choosing, rather than messy social situations!

What you said about solitude hits home, it's like we are run down batteries, needing to be on a trickle charge a lot of the time and then rising to just one challenge sucks out the energy again. Maybe solitude is our way of recharging ourselves, like all the sleeping we do.

Good thoughts,

M