[demolitionlover]

Since the begining of my relationship with the boy (or man... that's debatable) it has always been me to make all the effort.

At first, i will admit, we were almost in each others pockets, and he was always wanting to see me. We'd either meet on a night out, or i'd go to his place and stay over.

Because he has to get up ridiculously early for work, i got my own key and i thought things were absolutely perfect.

Over New Year we had a little bit of a falling out, which he took blame for and apparently it came down to things getting serious between us and him scared of commitment.

It was then i took the overdose, with everything else going on in my life i couldn't hack having a boyfriend who didn't know if he wanted a relationship with me or not, and kept comparing me to his two major past relationships which from each came a son.

His first he lived with and was still living with after the birth of the boy, until she decided to leave. He's been seeing his son regularly ever since. The other he did not want at all and was born to his childhood sweetheart, i was told they only got back to seeing each other because he felt safe because of their past as teenagers, but he did not want another child, and after this the girl refused access to the child, and he has no relationship with him at all.

I am neither of these people and it annoys me greatly that he thinks i could be anything like them.

I was also getting increasingly annoyed that he stopped wanting to see me so much and it would always be me asking to see him, and he'd have reasons not to. He hasn't returned my key- and says that he lost it.

So i suggested we do things out of the house together- as i imagine most people in normal relationships do. We both have dogs but he won't go for walks. I understand he has responsibilities with his son, and i suggested we take him swimming together. He said that we could do, but it doesn't look likely.

I will be homeless soon and my mum suggested we invite him over for dinner as it will be the last chance he'll have of getting to know my parents. He's spoken to my mother plenty of times whilst i was in the hospital and when i was in the psychiatric hospital so i don't see why he should be shy of her. My step father is his age, and i also don't think thats a reason not to come for dinner.

When i asked him why he never came to see me at my place, he said he was never invited, and thats why my mum suggested dinner. At first he made excuses that he was working late, and so i gave him the oppurtunity to tell me if he just didn't want to come. He replied that it isn't his thing.

Why can't he make a simple sacrifice of joining me for dinner with my family? I've invited him over for dinner before when my parents weren't there, and it went so well.

I just don't know what to do, i feel like he doesn't fancy me anymore, and we hardly go a few days without me getting upset about him not wanting to see him. To him i imagine that i'm just some company to come over to his and go to bed with a few nights a week- sometimes less.

Should i just finish it?

I've too much to deal with already and i need support right now, with having to apply for council housing and getting help with my depression. It's awfully hard knowing that he isn't bothered whether he sees me from one day to the next.

I can't really explain this, i'm scared he'll just tell me to go away and forget it. And i have tried that before, giving him an ultimatum and he responded by saying that he can't just forget me and couldn't we just carry on seeing each other and go with the flow.

There isn't a flow anymore, it's me on my own waiting for him to want me.

[Rhapsody]

((((((( HUGS )))))))

Sorry to hear the pain and hurt in your words for I know them all to well, from a 20 year marriage that is still the same way.... but what I hate more than this is the knowledge that we females will consider killing our self over a MAN and usually not that good of a man or human being to start with in the first place. Soooooo SAD....

When I read over your words part of me says RUN FOR YOUR LIFE while the other part of me says - IF you love him stay and work it out, for he is just scared and probably afraid to commit (like many men are).
From my personal experience of living with a commitmentphobia - my marriage does better when I do not ask for much or need to much - then he feels safe enough to approach me. Now while I have to admit that this is no way for a relationship to survive - one must learn to accept the way of a commitmentphobia if they are to remain with one.... the reality is that they will with drawl as soon as they allow themselves to get close enough to feel, but then again they will return when they need or you pull away from them and the love.

Guess you have to decide what you can honestly live with and without.... I cannot live without him after 20 years - therefore - I accept to the point of still being able to love.

Hope this helps a little....

LoVe,
Rhapsody

[Rhapsody]

COMMITMENTPHOBIA:

This is by far one of the most romantic dilemmas of our century. It is also remains the reason relationships end when the best has just begun. How do you handle a partner who can’t get enough of you one day, and then cannot get far enough away from you the next? How can you tell if they are looking for love - - or an escape from closeness? Can it be both? – Yes if you suffer from fear of another, true intimacy.

Commitmentphobia is just that, a fear of being committed to any thing or person for any long period of time, and this can always be found in these forms: physical, emotional or intimacy (sex included).

The Commitmentphobia person is at their best in love, work and play when a safe distance is kept between them and another. Never to close to actually allow them self to feel, therefore they never risk being hurt or rejected for who they are. While these types of people can truly love another person and honestly desires to be in a relationship, their fear will optimally control them. Most Commitmentphobia people are control freaks and they will constantly control in order to remain safe. This can be seen in many ways: limit in time & availability, denies access to his or her life, refusing to be apart of your life, not sharing special interest with you, not being a part of your needs or wants, unreasonable restrictions on sex, establish a life style that say I want to be alone, uses the word “no” a lot with you, promises you the world but never delivers, always sorry and yet no change follows, and they make it clear that all expectations of you two being close is unwelcome demands on them (you become the needy one to enable them to remain at a distance, your problem not theirs – no responsibility this way).

Commitmentphobia people seem to want what they cannot have at the exact same moment in time that they want it (person, places, work, activities, ect), and yet as soon as they get to close and have what they fought so freely for, they will retreat. They must now withdrawal in order to be or feel safe again, closeness scares them, a vicious and destructive cycle in any relationship and or marriage. Commitmentphobia usually end up hurting others (not on purpose) in their attempt to have love and yet to not love so closely or intimately that they feel trapped or fearful. They will often hold back to keep from creating more problems once they have emerged.

You can best love this type of person by not wanting or needing to much, by waiting for them to come to you, by not demanding, by accepting that once they do need you they will retreat from you as well (cycling), and by creating your own life, fun and interest out side of your partner while you wait. You must be willing and capable of denying your own needs until the other person has a need or feels safe again if you are to remain in and to make the relationship you share with a Commitmentphobia work. Many relationships do not and cannot survive this viscous cycle for to long, and while some may last for many years or as a long term marriage it will eventually run the risk of ending from lack of emotional needs not being meet.

Commitmentphobia people are often Emotionally Unavailable… to self and others.

[demolitionlover]

Thankyou so much for that- am i supposed to make him aware of this? I honestly thought that maybe there was something wrong with me, and maybe its not at all...

[Rhapsody]

It wouldn't hurt to let him read the article I posted on here (I did this with my husband) - but the real truth that needs to be answered here is.... Can you live with him if he is a commitmentphobia and will always react in the need you then get away from me cycle? I have lived with it for 20 years and it has taken its toll on ME.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Lexicon78]

It clearly sounds like he is commitment phobic. A lot of people see spending time with the other mate's family as making a commitment and that may scare him to death.

[demolitionlover]

I don't know if i can deal with that at all.

I have confronted him a little over my needs, about how the relationship would be fair, and how everything i suggest he has a reason not to do, but he just replied that he's perfectly happy with the way things are; which means me going to HIS place, when HE wants.

I don't know if i can handle it because i'm quite needy as it is; having had so much rejection. I need attention, and reassurance, but at the start of the relationship i thought i was doing so well and everything was equal. Turns out i was just totally overcome by him and didn't notice the little things he fails to do now.

Is it possible that he is just losing interest, and he's just not THAT into me?

[Rhapsody]

Dear Demo -

Your situation sounds just like mine.... and let me tell you that he (my husband) has not changed in 20 years and yet he does love me and is very much into me - it is just done his way and not that of how I think it should be done or lived.
The best advice that I can give you right now is NOT to be to NEEDY of him or you will drive him away from you, rather is its physically or just emotionally.

Please keep in mind that while ones partner is to give back to the relationship that your over whelming need for attention is a deeper matter all by its self and needs to be faced and dealt with - for no man a live will be able to fill it.
I say this not to hurt YOU but to HELP you - for I have been where you are right now - heck I still go there some times.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[demolitionlover]

I know... and i am getting quite a lot of support, with GP monitoring, a CPN (who is a substance misuse practitioner) whom i see once a week and i also see my Doc from the Psych hospital as an outpatient.

I've registered myself to do a couple of courses at a college, but i'm staying away from employment at the moment as with becoming homeless soon, i think it'll all be too much for me to be worrying about a job yet. So i really will have a lot on my plate to keep me occupied from sitting around waiting for him.

One thing i forgot to mention is that there is a possibility i am pregnant- i have been bleeding brown horrid discharge for the past 11 days. A urine sample to test this and some swabs have been sent away, but i don't get results til monday. My boyfriend obviously knows about this, and although him pushing me away began a considerable amount of time before all this, do you think it's possible he's pushing me even more away now for fear i might throw another kid at him?

This i would never ever do- it would be the silliest most ridiculous thing i could ever do and it would spoil us completely.. he knows that, but i still feel like he thinks i'll do what the mother of his youngest kid did to him...

[Rhapsody]

Yes, Demo - sadly enough, you being pregnant will drive a commitmentphobia man away even more.... for what is a child if it is not having to be committed.
But if you are pregnant just give it time and he will come around - he just needs his own space to deal with how he is feeling (fears and all) and then he can work it out on his own.... but it must be on his terms at the moment, not yours. OK?

AND - a THUMBS UP for you having the courage to go back to school.... you are AWESOME!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody

[demolitionlover]

Thankyou so much!

I've started bleeding normally, like a period now, although i've been bleeding strangely since the 17th. My mum says this is a good sign and if i'm bleeding properly, i'm not likely to be pregnant afterall, although there's still something terribly wrong down there!

Anyway, we spoke and he says that he's not rejecting me when he doesn't want to see me, it's just that he doesn't want to see me whether he's busy or not.

I guess you're right, if i want to hold on to him, then it's going to have to be on his terms. I feel like i'm giving in to my feelings. I don't know-

I'm thinking if he pushes me away so much i'll get stronger, and by the time comes for him to want me, i'll not want him at all- and that would be a shame and maybe for the next person i meet who does want to spend a lot of time with me, and would like me for who i am now.

Life is so damn confusing and difficult.