Help with Commitment Issue

I’m completely confused about the intentions of the man I’m dating. He is 51 and I’m 46. We are both divorced and have been dating for almost 4 years. We got along very well, love each other, and love doing almost everything together. I have never kept it a secret that my intentions are to get married again. I really loved being married but just did not make a wise choice in who I married the first time. We have had discussions about our future together and getting married but I’m not sure he is going to ever get there.

Two of the many discussions we have had on this topic ended badly. The first one was about 2 ½ years ago. I admit that I did not handle it well and said some things that I should not have said. I tried to apologize but he would not return my calls. We split up for about 6 months and one day out of the blue, he called me. We talked and both apologized. He even went so far as to say that the things I said he deserved and we got back together. The next discussion that ended badly was about 9 months ago. I told him that I understood why he was afraid to get married again (his wife cheated on him) but that it was not my fault and that I felt like I was paying for her indiscretion. I told him that I was going to begin dating other people. He was not happy about it but said he understood my position. A couple of weeks later I went on a date and I told him. We live in a small town and I figured it was better that he hear it from me instead of someone else. Needless to say it did not go well and he told me to leave. He called me two days later, crying and told me that “he loved me and couldn’t imagine his life without me.” He also said, “He didn’t want me dating other men,” but I needed to be patient. The other discussions we have had have been general discussion where I am always included when he talks about the future.

Well here we are, almost 9 months later and nothing has changed in our relationship status. There has been a change in my life which makes me feel like a girlfriend with the plague. I lost my job 6 months ago and now I feel financially unstable and I have no medical insurance. I am working a part time job and collecting partial unemployment. I have not asked him for any financial help although he has offered. We both own our own homes, although he has owned his for almost 2 ½ years and still has not officially moved in, so we spend almost all of our time at my house. He doesn’t want to live together saying, “it is too easy to get out of,” but we are practically doing it anyway.

Looking at his commitment issue with me, the fact that he dated and lived with his ex-wife for 6 years, and how long he has dragged his feet moving into his house I feel like I’m wasting my time waiting for a commitment that is never going to happen. Is he afraid of commitment? Am I a girlfriend with the plague who through no fault of my own has delayed a proposal until he feels I’m more secure? Doesn’t this count as part of for better or worse if we are truly in a serious relationship? Am I being irrational in wanting to get married? I am so confused and feel like I’m wasting my time with someone who is never going to commit.

I was in a similar situation three years ago when I was in my 40's and he was 52.
I wanted to get married, he wasn't sure. It came to the point that I wanted to get married before it was too late in life, we're not getting any younger, and wanted the security of a husband, and to take care of each other as we age.
Probably similar reasons as yours. I get it.
I saw a program and it was about men who won't commit. It said you will probably know each other as well as you are going to, and he either will marry you, or he just doesn't want to.
So I gently told him that I wanted to get married, and if he didn't want me as a wife he needs to have the courtesy to let me know. I said think about it for three days, and if I don't hear from you by then, we can remain friends, and I left, did not call, email, etc. It was hard, and stressful as the minutes ticked on!
He called me and asked me over, I went over and he had a 1 carat diamond Marquise cut engagement ring.
So I think maybe an ultimatum is in order, he may never be "ready" but you do have a right to a yes or no answer, and he shouldn't string you along.
Good luck I know it's hard to live in that in between world.

Im 38 and bfriend 53. He does not want to get married. He actually has phobia about it. Had 30 years of bad marriage. I love him and
He is kind to me only problem is i would like to live with someone and financially living with someone and having health insurance would help. Ive been thinking of asking my best friend to move in with me with my 9 yr old Godson. But that is a huge step.and i dont know how that would go.

Indeed it does sound like he is afraid of marriage. Will he ever be ready to marry is an unknown. It seems quite a shame because it sounds as though you two have a relatively good relationship except for a couple of bumps in the road. As you say, it is not your fault he had bad experiences but now you are faced with indecision because of those prior experiences.

In my personal life I think it is highly improbable that I will ever marry or live together with a man again. I've been looking at some dating sites and a couple of people looked interesting. So many people want 'true love happily ever after'. I'm jaded and don't trust anymore. So I stay at home with the company of my cats rather than meet people who need someone more than want someone. One guy professed love to me after just weeks and I told him he didn't even know me; I blocked his phone number after 3 months.

What does being married mean to you that you are not getting in your relationship as it is now? If you absolutely want to marry then you probably should give him an ultimatum.

I keep typing and deleting and I just can't seem to find the words.

I guess you need to decide if you value marriage itself more than your present status and if he isn't going to marry then move on down the road and look for someone with better husband potential.

Thanks for your comments! It is nice to get the perspective from people that don’t know either of us personally.

What does being married mean to me? What a great question! At this point in my life I feel that it is not about wanting to have children. I already have 2 grown children, so there isn’t a biological time clock ticking. To me at this point in my life it means companionship and going through the rest of my life with someone I love and care about. I would like to have someone there to share my life with, the good times and the bad, to be with when I get home and to share my day with, someone to share just the small moments in life with, just knowing someone is there, someone to grow old with, someone to take care of and someone to take care of me as well. These are the things that I really did enjoy about being married. As I said before I really liked marriage, I just picked the wrong man to marry. I was young and married for the wrong reasons.

Also, to be honest, it would be nice to share the financial responsibilities with someone you care about. I don’t want it to sound like I’m out for someone to take care of me financially because that is not the case. As I said I do own my own home and although my employment situation isn’t ideal right now, I’m sure it will improve. I didn’t go to college until late in life and graduated when I was 40 so I’m not a quitter. Also I could be sitting home right now just collecting unemployment but I took a part time job because I like to work and was going crazy sitting at home. Also while I’m not financially set for retirement (not many people are anymore) I do have a nice amount in retirement (far more than him) so he knows that it not an issue.

I have two very good friends that are both a few years older that me that say they don’t want to marry again. But when I talk to them about it they tell me how lonely they are and that they wish they were in a relationship with someone. I know that I don’t enjoy being alone. I have been separated and divorced for 9 years. I did not date for the first 3 years. To be honest, I really enjoy male companionship and I like the idea of being in a monogamous relationship. I really wouldn’t mind living together but he doesn’t want that. As I said earlier he feels “that it is too easy to get out of,” his theory is that it makes it easy to cut and run instead of working on making the relationship work. I do agree with that in some ways but I also don’t think there is anything wrong with living together for a while before marriage. Who knows, we both might come to the realization that it is not going to work out. But at this point in our relationship I really don’t think that would be the case.

I agree with lad007 that at this point I believe we know each other as well as we are going to. I’m really leaning towards the ultimatum and GENTLY having this discussion with him. I feel that I do deserve a yes or no answer and he should not be stringing me along.

My opinion on dating is that you date for several weeks or whatever time it takes for you to mutually decide you will be exclusive. After that, you are no longer dating but are in a committed, monogamous relationship. I am always appalled by women who try to say their man won't commit and only wants to date after several years of being together. What about that is not a commitment? I think it is wrong for women to try to guilt and emasculate their man into marrying them. The quickest way to get your man to marry you is to act like it doesn't matter. Act like you are happy to be with him and won't put an agenda ahead of being with him. Ever see the movie "He's Just Not That Into You"? Ben Afleck's character was being berated and harrassed by Jennifer Aniston's character to get married. She finally realized what great a guy she had and decided to drop her immature tactics. Guess what? Very soon after that she had a ring on her finger. There is a lesson all women can learn in that. Now it is fine to let your man know your desires and dreams for the future. But that is a far cry from crying and *****ing at him every time a Jared commercial comes on or you see a couple getting married on TV. This kind of behavior is indicative of a princess who never had to wait for anything in life. No wonder a man is hesitant to marry a woman like this.

Sorry that it has taken me so long to participate on my own thread. I’ve been dealing with a medical issue that took priority over this issue. Yes, we have been in an exclusive, monogamous relationship for over 3 ½ years. Now, what about that is not a commitment to me? Well, let’s see. My opinion would be that, first and foremost, you are free to walk at any time, no strings attached, NO COMMITMENT. Now, I guess that does work both ways but obviously I don’t have a problem with making it legal. In my opinion, it keeps all the things that you want to work towards as a couple separate…a house, pets, retirement, a vacation home, and any thing else that married couples, or even those who live together, would accumulate. I would mention children but we are beyond that point. Yes, these are just material things but I have had friends that have been in your type of committed relationship and what did they get in the end… Screwed! And not just female friends either. Like I said, it works both ways. In my opinion it keeps you separate no matter how much you say you are a committed couple. I mean you don’t even live together, so in my opinion, how committed are you? Really?

I actually don’t have an issue with us just living together, as they did in He’s Just Not That Into You. My boyfriend has an issue with it. He feels that it is too easy to get out of...NO COMMITMENT!!! His words. In the movie, they had been living together for several years, as I recall. Ben’s character also came right out and said he had an issue with marriage which my bf has not done. I also feel that this movie depicted couples in their 20’s and 30’s and we are way beyond that!

I have NEVER tried to guilt him and I have never cried or *****ed at ANY time that I have seen a Jared or any other jewelry store commercial where a couple is getting married. As for trying to guilt him into marriage, the last time we had this conversation I told him flat out that was the last thing I wanted to do…and it is. I told him that I understand why he feels the way he does about marriage. If my spouse had cheated on me, I think I would feel the same way. But I also told him that I felt that he needed to understand my perspective on marriage as well. I don’t have a problem if he doesn’t want to get married…my point is be man enough to say so. That way I have the truth and can make an informed decision based on the honest facts given. I would love for someone to explain to me how it emasculates him. Honestly, I do not see how it emasculates (reduces, weakens, renders powerless, makes ineffective) him or any other man, to be honest about HIS feelings and HIS future. If it emasculates (reduces, weakens, renders powerless, makes ineffective) him to be honest, and to say what he wants his future to be, well then I guess that is exactly what I am going to do when I ask him to BE HONEST!!! I feel that I am entitled to honesty about this subject since it does involve my future as well.