[jmo531]

OK. I will try to keep this as short as I can.

I met someone here on PC many months ago. We carried on a friendship outside of here, via IMing and emailing. That person is no longer here. Since she left we had less and less contact. I missed her, however I would have to say that on some level I was relieved.

I was relieved because I dont know how to be a friend. Or at least a good one. It is easy to come here and offer advice, chat or whatever but when I want to go and leave, I sign off, thats it, no strings, no nothing. When I am ready, I come back. I feel like when your friends you have to be there 100 % of the time and I just cant. Not only that, but the closer I ge to people the more they see of me, the real me and I dont want that. I am afraid that if I get to close either they will leave, wont like me or I will dissappoint somehow or they will think I am stupid or whatever.
Anyway, this person has been emailing demanding answers on why I have strung her along all these months rather then be UP FRONT. How can you be upfront and say "I dont know how to be a friend". I just dont know how.

Maybe I dont want too. Maybe because I know how it will turn out.

I have a confession here. I was supposed to meet Parker10 a few months back because she lives in the same area where my mother lives. I spoke with parker on my way out there and told her I would call her when I was on my way. Well I never did call her. You want to know why? Because I was afraid if she met me, she would see me for the loser and sham and dumb person that I am. I cant be a friend. I cant. I dont know why.

((((((Jmo531))))))
Could you try talking to her and letting her know that you feel this way? Otherwise she'll think it's something she's done wrong and she'll agonize over details as to what she did or said to make you not want to be there for her.
I know it's hard to be vulnerable but I don't think you want to hurt her. If she's being persistant then she must really care. That's a good sign.
Try to explain it to her as you have done with us. What's the worst that could happen? Just try. You can be a friend and you do know how to. Use the Golden Rule as a guide. I know it's easier said then done sometimes with insecurities and everything but you're really an awesome person who feels misunderstood. You're misunderstood because you're having a problem with communicating. If you get that out up front then isn't half the problem solved? I think you're just scared. It's going to bug you otherwise and you'll live to regret it and you'll think to yourself "what if..." I'm talking years of remorse over something so simple to resolve. Go on...do it... NOW!!!!

[h0kie]

Jen...first, I think you already stated what you need to tell this person. Email her and tell her, "I don't know how to be a friend". Chances are she struggles with this too. Perhaps you can work out what it means to be a friend to each other, together. Taking things one step at a time. It's really all you can do.

As for meeting Parker. Ohhhh, do I understand. I've met 2 people in person that I met online. One turned out to be a pot head and someone I couldn't even relate to. Of course, after he met/saw me, I never heard from him again. But I think I rushed myself into meeting him. I wasn't ready. had I known him better, I wouldn't have agreed to it. That's one of the main reasons why I don't try harder to get together with Bethy. (Shhhh, don't tell her) The fear of rejection is very strong and very real.

The other person I met was my husband. And hey, that turned out great! I guess what I am saying is that taking the risk and putting yourself out there is part of life. Taking the chance that you will be rejected opens you up to so many great experiences. Yes, it is scary and yes, you could be hurt. But think of the possibility of what you are getting in return. A new, wonderful friend.

Do what is best for you. If, right now, you need to protect yourself, and have those "no strings" relationships, that is fine. Someday you will be ready and I hope then you take the chance then. Don't push things though. If you're not ready, you're not ready.

You can do it, Jen. Baby steps. ((((((((((Jen))))))))))

[jmo531]

Thanks Jax and Erin.

I sent the email to the person in question so I am hoping that she will better understand what I am feeling.

The thing is, I feel like I have nothing to offer in a friendship. To me friendship is about, support, love, caring, kindness, talking about common interests, etc.
I can handle the caring, support, love and kindness.....anything beyond that, well, I dont know.

You see, even as a child I would never get close with anyone because it ended up one of three ways, a) either the person didnt like me and they left, b) they died or c) they would hurt me in some way or another. So I learned to put up a wall. A wall that very few people have ever been able to get through.

I am not an educated person. I was horrible in school. Skipped alot. I was taken away from my home for nearly 2 years and placed in an environment away from my family and surroundings and well, honestly, I really cant talk about that right now. Anyway, I was pregnant at 17 and married. I dropped out of high school shortly there after and became the typical teen pregnantcy statistic.

I did go back and obtain my GED 3 years after my first daughter was born. That I am proud of.

I was abused by my first husband and kept in seclusion until I had the courage to break free from him. After that was a turning point for me. I worked hard and saved and over came all the obstacles that were put in my way because I finally wanted to prove that I wasnt going to be another statistic.

In the process though, I never learned how to be a friend. Like I said, very few have gotten through the walls that I have built around me.

Maybe I have to learn to lay it out on the table and say:

My name is Jen, I am a depressed, anxiety ridden OCD freak. I am un-educated and a high school drop out because I was pregnant at 17 and married. I was abused by my father and my ex husband. I dont have much to offer in a friendship other then support.

How is that? If that dosnt make ya run away, well I dont know what will.

I know a lot of women who dropped out of school early because they were pregnant. A lot of them never went back to get their GEDs. You've had the courage to break out of an abusive relationship and you're working hard.
Okay? So what's so bad about that?
What does OCD mean?
I've been depressed, I've had anxiety, I have a GED and I was abused by my father. I've never had a husband though and I have no idea what an OCD freak is.
I think you're being too hard on yourself and you have a lot to offer but you don't know it. You probably have a great amount of stregnth to overcome what you've been through and you have a lot of wisdom from it.
You're a person to be admired. A person to want to hear stories of survival from. A person I'd be proud to have as my friend.
Please stop being so hard on yourself.
((((((((((JMO531))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))))




(((((((((((((((Jax)))))))))))))))

OCD freak = Obessive Compulsive Disorder

Thank you for your kind words. Makes me feel less alone. I guess we do have lots in common .

I did receive an email back from this friend and I need some time to process it before I can post about it.

Thank you again.

[h0kie]

Sweetie, just because you didn't graduate doesn't make you dumb or uneducated. First, it shows amazing strength of character to go back and get your GED. Good for you!

I believe there are two kinds of "smart" in this world. Book smart and street smart. I am book smart. I went to school, got the degree, etc, etc, etc. YOU are street smart. You've got great common sense and have survived things many people can't. You're smart, Jen. Just a different kind of smart. Neither intelligence is bad, they're just different.

You know your limits and you know where the line is that you don't want/can't cross. That's a good thing. Go easy on yourself. You're not a freak. You're great. Try to keep that in mind. PM anytime. You're always welcome. ((((((((((Jen))))))))))

[SilkySpeed7]

What we feed in to ourselves is what we get out. If you constanly tell yourself all the things that you have written then that, myfriend, is all you are going to be. HOW can anyone possibly be a winner if they think day in and day out that they are a loser? It is not possible.

I have the same problem with friendship. I wonder to myself why I feel so lonely and know that I put myself in the postion. I do not trust people. Trusting people is arisk. I did that once and risked a lot and am still hurting. Regardless, Friendship is a lot of work. Some people have different expectations then the other. Some people just want a person on the ohter end of the phone to make them feel less lonely. Some people want someone to do things with. Some want a secret sharer. It varies from person to person. I think the two people define the friendship. I think it developes naturally and therefor I think you might be thinking too much about it. But then again, I don't have friends. I don't call people back. I hate leaving my house to go places.

In the end, you can either break free from the chains that bind you and be free or you can stay prisoner. What do you want more? Change is scary.

I don't think you are stupid or what not because you have a very nice clarity to your writing. Most people who are uneducated can't spell or be grammarically correct. (one would think I were )

I am jsut rambling but you know what, you can if you think you can. The only person in your way is you. POSTIVE THINKING=Postive results.

[weather]

The others have given you a lot of wisdom. You may be brighter than you think you are. Perhaps you could take a community college class to convince yourself and to practice meeting people of similar interests.. You must have more going for you than you think. That these people have tried so hard to stay in touch says you may be more a friend than you think. You offer something they need. So many of us walk around exuding conficence and surity, while inside we are afraid the world will see we are frauds.
Vulgerrlove speaks the truth. I only recently broke the chains which were holding me prisoner, and it was terrifying, still is. The first time I went to a new church, as the new me, I froze to the car. I couldn't move, the world swam around my head, and I wanted to throw up. But I did it. I went into the church, and it was easier the next time. You are not a freak. We all are unique. Positive thinking may not always work, but it can surprise you.
Columnist Mike Roiko once observed that we often mistake aquaintances for friends. If we have had enough friends to fill the fingers of one hand when we die, we are more futunate than most. Go get em tiger!

[pimprenelle]

I just found your post. I have been confronted with similar situations from the other side of the river.
OK, so let's imagine the worst. You disappoint your friend. Reproaches etc... Imagine it. Who's gonna die ? Nobody! You will have made an experience that has good sides whatever the outcome.
Why be so afraid to disappoint ? We all do disappoint. That's allright. The important thing is how we deal with it.
I appreciate it a lot when a friend does something annoying and comes to me to say sorry. If he or she had been perfect, I would never have known that he/she can say : "I'm sorry". Besides, I would have felt pretty dumb next to a perfect friend. Nobody wants a perfect friend. Trust me on that one.
And no, you don't have to be there 100%. You have your needs. Friends understand that. Be there in the tough moments.
You are unfair with yourself. Give yourself a break!

Hi Jen,
I've been here for a little while now and all I can say that in cyberspace-you have been a really good friend to me. Thank you!

[jmo531]

Thanks guys.

The update on this was....I took some advice and bit the bullet. I contacted the person and we emailed back and forth a few times. This time it was her that I havent heard from. I guess I deserve it for how I witheld from her in the beginning so I dont blamer her.

I also had a positive result with someone else. So, I guess, there is good and bad.

I guess just being myself. It's hard though because lately my moods have flucuated (sp) so much. One day I am fine, the next I am a *****, then I cry.

[NICO]

you are one of the nicest people i have ever met, to go through what you have been through and have any time for anyone else is a beautiful strengh

[Zen888]

Nico, I will be your m8 if you need someone to talk to !

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((((Nico)))))))))))))))))))

Thanks!!!! Your awesome too

[NICO]

this it soo wierd but ive got too tell you. i had a dream last night that i had found my two long lost sisters (i dont think ive got any???) and i hugged them both i didnt wanna let go ever, i could of hugged them for eternity, but then an enemy from my past took them away from me

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((Nico))))))))))))))

I hate dreams....all of them

[SeptemberMorn]

Jen... I don't understand... GEEEZ! What more do you want to offer someone you call "friend"? Caring? Support? Most friendships don't even had that much!!

My "best friend"... It doesn't do me any good to tell her my problems, my joys or my sorrows... I hit a stone wall. What we do really good is pick the same clothes, the same dishes, the same pans, the same works of art, the same songs... To me that is SO SUPERFICIAL!! What YOU give is the real meat of a friendship!

Are you maybe feeling guilty that you have LIMITS?? We all have them! Absolutely nothing wrong with that!

What am I missing here? I'm not understanding why you think you have nothing to offer a friendship...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[NICO]

'I hate dreams....all of them'

sorry if i hit a raw nerve jen, but for some reason i felt i had to share it with you and dublin because you both have really been good friends to me and i felt had some significance

[Twinks]

Wow Jen,

Anyone that can be as open and honest about themselves as you have been in this post is rare and refreshing.
Honesty and caring make you a friend, you don't have to DO anything else.

By the way, just so ya know, I'm the worst speller in the world so don't anyone else try to take that title. I have worn out the check spelling button and sometimes it can't even figure out what I'm trying to spell.

Twinks

[Zen888]

Hi Nico

So you hugged your two "sisters" and didnt want to let go and then an enemy from the past took you away?

Who are two female figures in your life right now or in the past that have made you not want to stop "hugging" and then someone took you away from them?

[jmo531]

Hmmm. I thought this was my post .

((((((((((((((((((Twinks)))))))))))))))))))

Thank you. Can we share the bad speller title? LOL

Huggles,

Jen


((((((((((((((((((((mama))))))))))))))))))))

Your very wise. Thank you. You have a true knack for putting things in prespective. NO BS, no sugar coating, just bottom line. I love that about you.

Love ya,

Jen

[SweetSunshine]

Wow~ I remembered this post of yours Jen and had to dig it up. I guess I dont know how to be a friend either. I did something tonight and I shouldnt have. And got "told" about it . I did this cause I was concerned. And I also wanted to offer something to them. That obviously never counts.And is never good enough.Hell its never even at THEIR expense! Ya know what.. no more. Anyone that wants to talk to me can call ME! I am tired of reaching out. Tired of trying. Tired of giving my time and money. Tired of going out of my way even if its not asked of me either! I GET HURT BY REJECTION TOO DAMMIT! I GIVE UP!
Beth

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Bethy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))