[lido78]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years... we see each other every day, and we spend every weekend together at my house. Recently, his business partner has come into town from a foreign country, and everything seems to be falling apart. The partner is staying at my boyfriend's house for about 6 weeks, and he does not speak any English. During the first 4 weeks of this visit, I have felt as if my boyfriend has abandoned me...because the partner does not speak English, my boyfriend does not feel comfortable leaving him on his own at all...so, he has not come to stay at my house overnight at any point. I have stayed there only two times since he feels torn between speaking English with me and speaking his native language with his partner. We meet up for coffee or a walk, but the time together is limited to no more than about 2 hours. I feel this is a very strange situation and am hurt that he is not able to compromise better. Even though the partner does not speak English, he is a grown man and has cable access to shows in his home country as well as internet access. When I ask my boyfriend to compromise better, it seems to stress him out and I feel as if I'm being too demanding. When I try to just let it go, I feel frustrated and resentful. This is an annual trip, and, if we stay together will, eventually happen again or, it could happen in similar situations with other friends or family. I'm trying to find ways to compromise so that that the next visit will be better. However, the compromise really seems to be only going in one direction. I'm not sure if I need to just completely back off or if there is a bigger signal here...i.e., that my boyfriend really just doesn't care enough to make the situation better for me....when I recently asked him to just spend one night with me and hand the guy the remote, he pretty much refused point blank. He seems to hold the feelings of his business partner (who is also an old friend) in much higher regard than my feelings. My boyfriend did come with me to my parents house for Thanksgiving, but I tried to be sensitive and suggested that we leave after about two hours and then I went home alone...it's now three days later and I asked if I could come visit and spend the night so that we could have a bit more time together. He did not make me feel very welcome at all and said "Sure, you can come over but I really don't want you to be bored and the house is a real mess." Maybe there is no hidden meaning at all, but I interpreted this statement to mean, "I'd really prefer that you not come over tonight." I'm getting frustrated and I think he is as well. I just don't know how to fix it.

[kaliope]

well, one thing you know about your boyfriend, he is a loyal friend. who knows, it may be a cultural thing that his friend, business partner takes precedence.

but reading into this statement that he doesnt want you to be bored and the place is a mess as he would rather not have you there is a little much. you already said that he speaks to his friend in another language while you are there. he may recognise this may leave you feeling odd man out at his place and he is just giving you the heads up that this may make you uncomfortable as well as the mess. he might just be considering your feelings. it may just be your feelings of rejection over the last few weeks leading you to misinterpret.

[lad007]

Well maybe in his culture they don't believe in unmarried people sleeping together?
I would wait until the friend leaves to discuss it.

[lido78]

Thank you both for your thoughts!

[lido78]

It probably is a culteral thing that the business partner takes precedence as this is very old friend and the partner is a few years older. My boyfriend is definitely not misogynistic in any way but I believe the partner probably is. None of this would be terribly difficult except for the length of the visit. I have a job, family and friends nearby and other things to keep me occupied but, by American standards, six weeks is a long visit and it really has disrupted the flow of our relationship. This, of course, bothers me, but the boyfriend is pretty relaxed about the change. I would say how nice to have a calm, go with the flow, boyfriend...but he's mentioned that this annual visit (which used to be even longer) caused problems in prior relationships. I just have the sinking feeling that it may be one of those "just deal with it situations" with not a lot of wiggle room for compromise in my direction. I do think that Kaliope is correct in that I'm probably reading every little thing the wrong way at this point...I think that frustration is clouding my judgement and I may need to shut dow the brain for a bit to see if things bounce back to normal when the visit is over. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

[lido78]

Ugh...visit keeps getting extended. It started out as a one month visit and, for business reasons, it will probably be closer to two months. I do stay over there about once a week, but we've really lost a lot of the intimacy of the relationship as a result...I'm not talking about sexual intimacy but more of just plain old "couple" intimacy. I think this is because we're never really alone and the normal flow of our activities are greatly interruped. The other thing that concerns me is that the boyfriend smokes pot (I don't; I've never even tried it), and he smokes a lot more with his friend/business partner in the house. If it were only a short visit, then no big deal, but at almost two months, I'm concerned that this will become a pattern that will be hard to break after the visit is over. He used to smoke a little bit at night (a few puffs off a joint) to help him sleep. There really wasn't even that much of a change in his personality; he just seemed to relax and sleep better. But, with the friend/partner, he actually seems to get stoned now...Even though I only come over once a week, he doesn't seem to be able to not smoke when I'm there...so, our visits are really affected by this...There is no exact end date in sight....it's an open-ended plane ticket...I'm trying to be patient, but it's very frustrating! I keep trying to be patient as the stress that has been making him smoke more is related to the business and this visit could be helpful but he just feels very far away from me emotionally at this point...I'm worried that we may not be able to "snap back into place".....

[LylaJean]

I hear your frustration. I'd be frustrated in that situation too. Just remember that it won't be like this for long!! You will be able to snap back. And once his friend is gone, it'll be really good for you guys to sit down and have a nice long chat, when there aren't outside pressures or time restraints. Try not to worry too much about it. It'll be over soon enough. Something that maybe you can laugh about later!

[lido78]

Thank you LylaJean...I sure hope you're right. Just trying to optimistic and to not focus on it for now.

[beauflow]

hugs to you. this would be difficult. think you need to have a sit down talk with your boyfrien as already suggested. hugs and hope you the best.

[RomanSunburn]

This might not be much help... but what about trying to learn their native language? I know for me this would be a real challenge -- I"m horrible at languages, and probably undiagnosed dyslexic. But maybe, showing the interest in being apart of their social activities would be a start? Maybe wait until after the friend leaves and express interest in learning the language and having him help you so that next time the visit goes a little smoother.

I know it's hard right now, but things will go back to normal for you two. Think of it like being in a long distance relationship for a little while. Perhaps request that he still get dinner with you once a week, and maybe a long phone conversation every couple nights just to reconnect? I personally don't really have any tolerance for smoking of any kind (My dad has severe asthma so I find a lot of smells bother me, not to mention if I dated a smoker I'd never see my father again because he can't be any where near it without having an asthma attack), so I would probably bring this up now. But, for your relationship, I'd almost suggest waiting to see how he is once his friend leaves. Perhaps it's just a social thing, and he'll return to his previous habits when his friend leaves.

I'm sorry things are so tough. I am a little curious. You say this is an annual trip and that you have been with your boyfriend for two years? Has the trip happened once before then? How did you handle it then?

Good luck, take care!

[lido78]

Yes, this is typically an annual trip but, for some reason, the first year we were together it just didn't happen. It was always something that I knew would happen sooner or later, so it's kind of been hanging over my head the entire time. In prior years, before we met, the trip sometimes lasted three or four months and caused problems in prior relationships (including with the ex-wife). But, the friend/partner seems to have a bit more pull in the relationship so, whenever he decides to show up, is when it happens. My boyfriend is from a Mediterranean/Middle Eastern culture, so it's very different than in the West. Here, we plan trips and pretty much know how, when and for how long...it's just a very different thing culturally, and it's now hitting me two years in.

The language would be very difficult to learn in such a way as to be able to have any type of meaningful conversation...I learned a few basic word/phrases as I love to travel (went home with him last year) and experience different cultures. But, it's a great suggestion, so maybe I'll put in some extra effort.

Unfortunately, I just found out tonight that even though the friend/partner will definitely be leaving by year end, my boyfriend will be going home to see his family for New Year's. This is brand new information to me and it was pretty much introduced as a done deal....I'm torn because of all the time we've spent apart lately but also see that he has not seen his family in about a year and a half. It's just really, really bad timing and I'm a little upset that he didn't invite me to go. I would never be able to leave work and go (very busy time of year), but it would have been nice to have been asked.

I appreciate the support from everyone. Sometimes it's good to know that people can take the time to offer help to someone that they don't even know.

[unaluna]

Is this something you really want to be involved in? How you imagined your life would be? Smoking pot, shady business dealings, a language you don't understand, being excluded from decisions that affect you, being separated from your partner for long periods of time, while he does who knows what with whomever he wants? Granted, your boy-next-door from the same background as you may be just as likely to treat you the same way, but if the boy next door runs off with your kids, he might be a little easier to find. I would talk to the ex-wife and get her take on the "boyfriend / business partner". I am reading that he smokes before he sleeps with you? Does he ever not?

[lido78]

There are no shady business dealings involved. It's a regular, boring, legitimate business. He handles the American side of the business while the partner handles the other side in their home country. In fact, the partner's parents came for part of the trip, and they help run the overseas part of the business. The partner's parentd stayed at his house as well for the first two weeks of the visit and, of course, there was no smoking at all during that time. I've been with him on business trips here in the U.S. and have met many of his American colleagues both at their places of business and at a convention in Miami last year. It's definitely not a 9 to 5 corporate job, but I can assure you that he's not involved with anything illegal or even shady.

The smoking pot bothers me but only now that the friend/partner is here. Usually, he only smokes a few puffs off a joint (never the whole thing) to unwind...honestly seems to be equivalent to having a glass or two of wine, and many folks I know in the corporate world do pretty much the same thing (big article a few years back about female executives smoking from time to time to deal with stress was very enlightening). But, now that the partner is here, it's very different and that is what concerns me. It's just that the amount and frequency has increased during this time to the point that there is a difference in his personality when he smokes....before, he only had enough to relax; now, sometimes, he actually gets a bit stoned. Strangely enough, I think I'd actually benefit from smoking a bit from time to time (I can be very high strung and anxious during periods of high stress) but it's a promise that I made to someone when I was young and a promise that I want to honor. I'm not a big drinker either and, notwithstanding the legality issue, I see a few drinks and a smoke as somewhat equivalent.

And, you are right, the decisions that affect my life are actually what bother me the most. To tell you the truth, I'm a bit torn (and struggle with whether I'm being fair and rational about all of this)...for almost two years, this has been a fairly normal relationship and I've pretty much had him to myself. He has a few good friends here and I'm almost always invited along when he spends time with them...He goes with me to all of my family events and even suffers through stuff I like that I know are not his style (think modern dance performances and art shows). But, for the last two months, our entire relationship has changed. He says it's a bit out of his hands and it's not like he's been on vacation at some exotic location during this time. He just seems to have a very hard time finding a good compromise with regard to allocating his time. He's asked me to be patient and I would love to say that I've been able to honor that request. But I'm reacting to how big a change it has been...from spending all day every weekend together to only spending one night a week is a big change for me and I'm not handling it very well. He has not seen his parents since a year ago August, and I would never begrudge him a trip like this...it's just that we've now spent two months being a bit tense over the current situation and I'm already feeling a bit abandoned or, at best, a bit left out of his life.

As for running off with the kids, neither one of us has any and there is no plan to have them in the future. We're in our late 30s/early 40s. I would never talk to the ex-wife....they did not part amicably as she cheated on him with a colleague of hers while they were in counseling toward the end of their marriage. She's a very successful professional who put her career first during their marriage (they moved 3 times during their 6 year marriage just for school and her career). I would be curious as to her take on the business partner (she's also American and she and I seem to have some other similarities) but I'd never reach out to her out of respect for him.

[unaluna]

Hi lido. sorry I was so harsh. I wasn't sure if you were some naïve young thing or what. but what you're saying seems to add up just fine. I would love a r/s like that, you have the best of both worlds, a yummy non-clingy boyfriend and a lot of freedom and independence.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by lido78

and struggle with whether I'm being fair and rational about all of this

There is nothing fair about how we want to spend our time, lives, energy, and love; and rational has nothing to do with anything.

If you do not particularly like these people, cannot communicate with them or suspect they don't particularly like you, it looks to me like you have a couple of options. You can either decide it is not what you want to deal with and leave the relationship or you can decide to "wall off" that section of time and use it as a period when you can do what you want or need without having to consider anyone else, get a couple months free in your life to vacation, concentrate on your own work or projects, etc.

I would think it would depend on how you view your boyfriend and your relationship as to what you would choose to do. With my husband, he does not do things I do not approve of when I am not around so I would not have any problem with pretending he was "out of town"/the country for a period of time. I would not feel slighted or that his affections might slip or the relationship not be strong enough to take the separation.

If I were in the exact same situation as you though (but without the additional pot smoking; I still don't understand how getting stoned is good for business, how that works) I would be surprised that my husband did not include me because my husband enjoys me! My husband would have to literally be out of town or the country for our separation to work. I cannot imagine his being with anyone and enjoying that for so long. It sounds like a two month bachelor party and my husband would weary of that real quick.

I find it odd, too, that his business partner is here for that long and does not want to get out on his own, hasn't in all these years worked to learn English, doesn't have any sensitivity to his host's life the other 10 months that he doesn't offer to go elsewhere every now and then or the business doesn't pay to put him up elsewhere, etc.; these two men are both doing this deliberately, because it is what they want -- as you say, your boyfriend is not putting you first and it does not look like he has any intention of ever doing so. That would be a red flag for me. My husband and I put ourselves, each other, and the relationship first.

I feel your boyfriend is using you; you are convenient to him for ten months and he doesn't need you the other two. You fit in with his life or to heck with you (sounds like that's what happened with his marriage). Other people do not have to put us first; they should put themselves first but then comes the things they love and think of as "themselves". That he feels he can move you aside like a piece of furniture, roll you up like a rug, so he can bare the dance floor for his party. . .

[lido78]

Ha! Yes, Hankster, it's very helpful to know a bit of background on the poster. My fault as I'm new to the site and have not yet filled out my profile. I didn't want to put too many details in the discussion but the devil is truly in the details and really does help for full understanding. I'm actually the older one in the relationship at 43 (he's 37) and neither of us is particularly naive (or young).

Your comments were not too harsh though...it's actually something I've thought about since we do have different approaches to things that can point toward trouble down the road. But, I may actually just have some insecurites that are not well-founded based on stuff from my past. So, my perspective on what is "reasonable" is a bit skewed. Since this is a more "mature" relationship (nope, we're not kids by any stretch of the imagination), it may just be that I'm a little too dependent/needy. But, then again, I don't want to sacrifice my future happiness if he could make a few more compromises.

In either case, working on myself would not do any harm at all. It will either help this relationship or the next one that I may find myself in.

Perna, your comments are well taken. To clarify a bit, my boyfriend and his business partner are not out partying during this time. I do see him every day (we meet for cofree, a bite to eat or even to a show)...but the time has just been limited and lacking a bit of intimacy. He is very tired out by the visit...there are some very serious issues with the business right now that they are both working on fixing and, culturally, he's a bit worried about offending the partner as he's the older one in the friendship. As an American, that doesn't make sense to me, but it is a very strong part of their culture. My boyfriend's brother never even calls him only by his first name...there is a word in their language that they use in front of the name to signal respect for someone older. That being said, I'm worred as well that he is subconciously using me...but he is also a very single focus kind of guy...and I don't know if concerns for keeping the business afloat are driving much of this behavior or it's something different. So, I don't think he's rolling me up like a rug to party but he is defnitely rolling me up to try and deal with some pretty serious issues. He has told me that they've discussed bankruptcy, so I do consider that different than a bachelor party. Hopefully, I'm just not desperately trying to make excuses. I'm trying to see his perspective but also try and deal with feeling lonely and concerned about the future of the relationship.

You sound as if you have a wonderful relationship with your husband and it definitely sounds as if the mutual respect you have for each other should be a goal in any relationship.