[Joannof3]

I have posted here before about my on again off again relationship and I'm really hurting right now. I just talked to him and we both were very emotional ..I know he loves me and he knows I love him but heres the problem..I don't understand when we are together at night why he gets up and leaves..he has only spent 7 nights with me in 4 yrs..I ask him about it and he says " not to nag him about it" well,,,,,,, that don't set right with me ..makes me feel like I'm with a married man or something is going on so here I go accusing him of doing other things which he says he isnt because he loves me ....I don't understand why he doesnt tell me the truth ..if you love someone as much as we do then why leave? why just get up and go home ? and never give me a answer...I'm so hurt over this ..I tell him it makes me feel cheap and that I need to be held .but he just don't get it...I'm really hurt because we love eachother so much but can't get past this..if we are both hurting by not being together then whats the problem? he says I dont trust him ..well , I say " why should I '? would any woman trust a man who says he wants to give 100 percent but can't even spend onenight in your arms? please tell me I'm normal for being upset..We are so good together but I dont want it to be part time..not talking about marriage but just something more than love me and leave me ...I told him if he cant give me what I want then leave me alone because it hurts too much but then we just keep emailing eachother back and forth and tell eachother how much hurt we are in ....its so confusing but I know I want more ..I know I diserve a full time commitment ..I know that if someone loves someone,holding them at night and wanting to be with them should be easy ...or maybe I am wrong ,,,please forgive me for going on and on ..I'm just so hurt and I miss him ..we can get very verbally abusive with eachother and say things we dont really mean but Im angry as heck ..I don't want to waste any more of my life on someone who tells me Im wrong for getting upset about my needs not being met ...its not even sexual its just being together and him being here in the morning ..im so sorry ...I think Im done now ...thanks for listening..I wrote a post on this a few days ago but this time I told alittle more ...we just talked a few mintues ago and he makes me feel guilty about not excepting him the way he is ...do you know why ? why he always wants me to feel that I hurt him ? please help me ...

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

IS he married?? Have you BEEN to his house? Do you know where he works for real? I ask this because my best friend was engaged to a guy that didn't let her know any of that...nor did he supply a ring...seemed fishy to me....He blammed her too

[Joannof3]

I know he's not married. I have been to his house ...oh, its fine that I go to his house and spend however much time I want to but he wont stay at mine.I also know where he works ..thats why I don't understand..I left most of my family to be with him because I was the one who moved here ...I just dont get it

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

To be honest I don't get it either...he seems maybe like he may be kinda afraid of committment or has mental health issues too...I honestly don't understand at all..sorry

[Rhapsody]

Dear Joannof3,

What I hear here is a man that cares for you and yet he is being typical of his species (the male) that it scares him to death to be so close to someone (to commit) that he retreats to the safety of his own home after he has given himself to you sexually.... which by the way is when he (the male) is at his most vulnerable state of mind / emotions - the HEART.

((((((( HUGS )))))))

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Check out this website and/ or book.... it will tell you the ways and thoughts of the male mind, and how it works so differently from us, the female.
LINK: http://4-womenonly.com/home.aspx

[Myzen]

Hi Joanna,

This sounds like a painful situation for you.

I am a guy, and all I can say is that your boyfriend completely puzzles me.

Either he has a serious problem with commitment or he is hiding something from you. If you can find the strength within yourself I would suggest that you tell him that you cannot continue like this, and ask him to end your suffering by being honest with you. Even better, if you could get him to go to a counsellor with you, which would take some of the strain off your shoulders.

In the end, some sort of resolution will be needed here, as this ongoing suffering will wear you down and you may become ill.

Do you have any mutual friends who could help out, even just with some information about his behaviour and maybe about his past life?

I'm so sorry that you are suffering like this.

Good thoughts,

M

[funnygirl]

Hi Joann

It seems to me that, if he doesn't mind you staying at his house all night, there's something about your home that he doesn't like. Some people prefer their own bed - and I am one of them. I never sleep as well in a different bed. Is it noisier at your place? Are there animals?

I don't know why you continue to invite him back if you know this is going to happen and will upset you.

Can't you simply accept he has a reason for wanting to get home, and look forward to staying at his? I can see that it's definitely not you yourself he is avoiding, but he is maybe too polite to tell the real reason.

FG

[Joannof3]

something I didnt mention in my post is that he is extrememly close to his mom and sister ...she was so upset once that we got back together after a 2 month seperation . his mother asked me why I was back over there to his house? then kicked me out of her house..instead of leaving with me because I was all upset he stayed there supposably to set her straight..I stayed at his house for what seemed forever waiting for him and when he came back he spelled of perfume and was very upset with me..and then one time .he picked me up from work and we pulled over to talk and his mom called his cell phone wondering why he was late at getting home ? he lied to her and told her he seen someone at my work that he hadnt seen in a long time..when I asked him why he just didnt tell her he was spending time with me? he got upset with me ...I came 3000 miles to be with him thats why its so hard for me to give up ...I was going to go back home and he cried and begged me to stay telling me he would build a house and we would send for my kids ..well , he built his house , we sent for my kids , but never have we been with him ..he lives in his house now right behind his moms house...I love him with all my heart but I diserve someone who loves me the same ..Im done trying ..I just hope I can get through the heartache..its my fault for putting up with it for so long but its his too for telling me he will be here for me and giving me false hope ...take care and thank you all for your replies

please re-read your last post. you know the answer. it's there in black and white. i'm afraid that you would never be able to break the apron strings on him. sounds as if mom calls all his shots, so to speak.

you left your children to be with him? i question him going along with that. if it were my man and he didn't want me and my children..first thing...i'd be very hurt and cautious about having anything else to do with him.

the perfume thing? does his mom and sister wear perfume so strong that it would just jump over to him? i'm sorry that i'm sounding so harsh, but it's you i'm concerned about. i could give a flying flip about him and his mom.

there is are two old sayings that i subscribe to, "cook or get out of the kitchen" or "%#@&#! or get off the pot"......7 nights in four years is silly. someone here is not telling the truth about something.

good luck...keep posting here. we care about you and how you're doing. and i'm so sorry that he has put you through the wringer so many times. love, pat

[funnygirl]

Hi Joann

Fayerody is right. Your b/f's mother has never untied the apron strings, and he refers to her on all things. In fact, he is a typical mommy's boy. Maybe his mother feels worried that you already have children and doesn't want her boy to take on too much responsibility? If that's the case, he should never have agreed to your moving 3,000 miles and then sending for the kids. He is being very irresponsible, and I am surprised you were taken in by him. Our children should come first - in any scenario - think about it! You'll get over him, but your kids will still be there wanting and needing your love and care. Don't build up mental complexes for them.
There is someone out there for you, so don't waste any more time on this snake in the grass. Perfume! Huh!
Try to imagine what it's like to be happy and not hurting - what a relief it will be - look ahead to the future for your kids' sake - it's a good way of getting over a bad experience. Move on, that's my advice.

FG

[mpathia]

Well, I have to join the general consensus about his mother. After reading the last posting from you, I came up with the same theory as Fayerody and FG.

Don’t know details about anything else that been happening, but the incident you wrote about does add a lot of light to the situation.

Good luck with that one… If the mom doesn’t like you, believe me, you’d better think long and hard about where you and he are headed. Sounds like he’s already putting her before you. Sorry, wish I didn’t sound so discouraging. I guess maybe you never saw it happening. Real tough situation if that is the major cause of your relationship problems.

[bebop]

I agree with fayerody....he is a mama's boy big time and he will never cut those strings...sorry hon I know how painful it is for you. we are here for you anytime