[Antoline]

I am a male, divorce in process, have one kid.
Been had a quite success life, got broke over a business and family torn apart.
Have girl friend have been together for 1 year. we did not have sex, I have not had sex since that 1 year. it's her religious issue and also the practice in here normally to have no pre-marital sex. She is a quite religious person.
so the issue the fact I am still on a marrieage up till now (even though the divorce is on the way), sometime cause problem in the relationship. I can not let her go, and it seems she can not let go also, but I think it mostly because of "what I do" (will explain below).
Now we are going further apart. communication not working out and I have been become VERY dependent on her as now seems that all my old friends have gone, no one to talk to, I am basically alone.

Don't know what to do with this relationship, there are several issues :
1. I have to change religion to marry her (it is the law here), which I don't really mind as I am not a religious person myself. But on the other hand my parents would not approve and I think without their approval everything will not happen, as she will not want to go through such marrieage.
2. My wife know I am with her when we are separating (not divorce yet but have not been living together) so the whole family know, and this is not good for her in the eyes of my family.

I have twice go to a psychiatric practice and they gave me some anti deppresant medicine.

I have tried twice to kill myself but I think it is just to have her (my GF) attention but I really have made the the attempt to harm and kill myself.

As relationship issue really affecting the rest of my life I need to get this settled first.

I think I have an OCD and Histrionic personality and a little of Bipolar disorder have to take more test to prove it but I talk to to a psychiatrist about this and took some online test myself (not sure if can be trusted)

I have a pretty high above average IQ in all my school test back then, I guess no one will expect me to have come to this situation.

I am basically in a deep hole right now. Any words that can help me through this What should I do...

[kaliope]

Are you taking the antidepressants that were prescribed to you? It sounds like you would definately benefit from counseling to help you sort out the priorities in your life. It sounds like following thru with the divorce would clear up some of the issues you are having with your girlfriend. What is the hold up? Counseling will help you discover why you are unable to let go of her. It will also help with the communication issues you are having with your girlfriend.

Good luck.

[Rose3]

Hi Antoline - there is a lot on your plate right now, with so many things to sort through in these relationships with other people. Such big decisions or changes in your life. Maybe counselling or a therapist would be useful? Hoping things
stabilize for you. Please take care of yourself.
Roses3

[Antoline]

Thank you... It feels great to talk to someone and they actually do care about me. Have not have such feeling for a long time.
Where should I go, can I choose to go online? Anyplace online that you can suggest me? or do I have to meet in person. The problem is that some of the therapist here use religious approach, which I don't like. I prefer a more scientific logical approach to my problem.

[Antoline]

Originally Posted by kaliope

Are you taking the antidepressants that were prescribed to you?

Oh sorry missed this question. Yes I take the medicine, it makes me feel better at the moment. But I wonder will that actually cure me, or just to help me relaxed at that time. Can I be addicted to them? Right now I take sleeping pills, I can help it that I feel very bad each time I woke up and would prefer just to go to sleep again. Even wishing if I can have the luxury not to wake up again. ever.

Antoline, it sounds like many things are conspiring to make your life difficult. The family thing alone would be enough to make anyone go berserk. Loving someone of another faith, conversion, it's a big load to carry. And it sounds like you are at the moment poorly equipped to handle all this. The big questions are, is it worth jeopardizing your relationship with your family to marry outside the faith? And if you choose to do so regardless, can you live where you are currently and deal with the backlash, not only from your family but maybe also from the community?

Without knowing where you are geographically, it is hard to be more specific-and financially, it sounds as if you are in no position to move away, to put some distance between yourself and your family, even temporarily. But I think the first thing you must do is get some help with your depression-and this may mean putting your marriage plans on hold for a while. You won't be good to a new wife the way you are now-and until you find the right antidepressant (maybe difficult where you are?), you remain at risk for more suicide attempts.

The fact that you are in such a hurry to get re-married, despite all the obvious impediments, is a warning sign. I am aware that being a single man in some places carries with it some stigma but where will you be if you convert and the pressure of dealing with the repercussions of this become/remain too much to manage? You cannot go through with anything until you are on even ground again, with yourself. Tell your gf you need time and if she is a good one, she will understand. It seems foolish to rush into something and in your current state, it will be disastrous.

[Antoline]

Thank you Gulas, that's sounds like the right thing to do. But again it is something very difficult for me to do. As I have mentioned I have become very dependent on her.
She have tried to leave me many times because of the religion issue and the fact that I am still married (even though the divorce was in process) but maybe she was "forced" to stay,by looking at my condition. I feel bad for her to put her in this situation.
The points you mentioned about the backlash of my conversion are also true. that is what make this even more difficult for me. Thanks again for your response and support.

You make it very clear now that that you need some immediate help. It is pointless to do anything about a relationship until you are healthy and strong again. A relationship founded on pity and fear will never last anyway...Don't delay.

If you don't mind telling, is it a Muslim/Christian situation? Interfaith relationships are extremely interesting to me (I'm in one myself) and perhaps it would help you to provide more details...however, if you think this nosy of me, I won't be offended.

[Antoline]

Originally Posted by gulas

You make it very clear now that that you need some immediate help. It is pointless to do anything about a relationship until you are healthy and strong again. A relationship founded on pity and fear will never last anyway...Don't delay.

If you don't mind telling, is it a Muslim/Christian situation? Interfaith relationships are extremely interesting to me (I'm in one myself) and perhaps it would help you to provide more details...however, if you think this nosy of me, I won't be offended.

Yes it is a Muslim/Christian situation. You're in one also?

Thankyou for satisfying my curiosity. My fiancee is Catholic, while I come from a secular background. Fortunately, her Catholicism is not rigid and neither she nor her family have raised any concerns about my beliefs. The fact that I love and respect her trumps all other concerns.

Assuming you are in a Middle Eastern environment, I can well imagine your scenario. I lived in Cairo for some time in the early 1990s...You are maybe Coptic or Maronite and she is Muslim would be my guess. Whatever the case may be, it's a tough situation for you to be in. And I'm sure everyone is telling you to save yourself from heartache and marry one of your own co-religionists. That alone would be enough to drive me a little nutty...What are you doing about your depression now? Are there good doctors in your area who can effectively diagnose and treat your condition?

Feel free to keep on posting here-or pm me. Sometimes just talking about things with a stranger can do wonders. I can honestly say that this site has surprised me with benefits I could never have imagined. Take care.

[Antoline]

Everything you said is more or less correct...

About the depression, I take sleeping pills to help me get some sleep. I have trouble sleeping. Sometimes I drink, but not too much. Sometimes it got in the way of my work, try not to, but can't help it.

I consider myself to be secular also, that's why I don't see religion as an obstacle for me to be together. I hope if I do marry her one day this will not turn out to be a wrong decision.

Will try to find good doctors and hopefully can help me this time.

Yes doing this helps. I hope it will help people with the same issue as me also.

[Sloane]

B"H

Atoline...

I am sorry you feel yourself jammed into such an isolating situation. first and foremost, you have to remove yourself from the dependency you have on your girlfriend and get more grounded with yourself, slit seems to me. you can do this by finding the best available mental health care available to you. a therapeutic relationship where you feel safe and comfortable to explore your deepest feelings. it definitely sounds like you need something for depression. you mention you have a high iq and test positive for bi-polar on some Internet tests. did you know mental health problems and bi-polar, specifically, are often correlated with highly intelligent individuals. perhaps you can explore what exact mental health problems you have with the therapist you find.

second, if you are living in a relationship where you re too dependent on your partner, I am not sure you are in a position to assess whether or not to marry her...in addition to the conversion and religion issues. you need to be a whole person yourself who is dependent on yourself to make decisions that are healthy and appropriate for you. It sounds lie you have many issues clouding you from being what you need to be on your own before you can make sound decisions about marriage and religious conversion. the depression is the first problem along with any other mental health issues such as OCD and bi-polar. moreover, not being self-dependent clouds your judgment.

a healthy marriage involves two individual and self-reliant individuals joining their lives together to create a relationship that is stronger than its individual parts. you seem to know that you are not prepared for this right now. I agree with you. if she has already pulled away as you aRe too dependent on her, marriage does not appear to be appropriate now. I understand how divorce can cause you to lose past friendships and close friends, but there is nothing stopping you from forming new ones that will help become a support system for you. I am not saying it is so easy, but it may be somewhere you should direct your efforts towards. a few good and true friends is better than several acquaintances.

I hear quite a bit of loneliness and sadness resonating from your post. I am sorry you find yourself so alone when it comes down to things. I believe the first step is finding that therapeutic relationship which can help you become more whole as a person. as you get stronger, you will be able to think about the possibility of conversion and marriage. moreover, you will have a clearer perspective to delve into the consequences of your potential conversion and subsequent marriage. I hate to see you turn your back on your family whereby they do not accept your decision to convert and marry as you may need their support down the line. but only you, with a clear head, free of depression can evaluate the pros and cons of your future actions as you will have to live with the consequences. through no de is ion of my own, my father's remarriage after he lost my mother has inextricably impacted my father's ability and willingness to be involved in his children's lives. he has created a new life for him and his wife along with her family. while it was not a choice I made which cut me off from him, it is difficult as I miss my father greatly. I miss who he was, not who he is. I a not saying you will do the same, but perhaps your decision to convert will make your family pull away from you. are you prepared for this possibility? I think a personal inventory on all your relationships is important to take when deciding about conversion and marriage. do not get yourself in a position where your wife is all that you have as this will cause more dependency on her and perhaps undermine the marriage. this is where having your own friends to rely on is essential. it helps to have your family as well. nonetheless, these issues are things you really cannot make decisions about u til you are able to emerge from he fog of depression. if you are bi-polar, mania can sweep away your decisions as well. please seek help for yourself and find the right meds before you make these life changing decisions to make sure you are making the decisions based from the perspective of a grounded reality.

I wish you the best of luck in figuring out your future. a process you cannot afford to take lightly. please keep us posted as to your progress. I think there is a lot of sound advice from my fellow posters here in this thread. take care, be well, and stay well. I will add you to my prayer list.


Sloane

[Antoline]

Wow Sloane,
I am speechless, you hit so many points that have been in my head for a long long time. I am grateful that I am here on this forum and meet you guys here. You are all like a mind reader that can see what's on my head.
Well Sloane I will do that. At least I will try to. I will try to make a few phone call in the next few hours to see if I can get appointment for the help I needed. It looks like all of you are suggesting that I should seek professional helps and meds asap. Thank you all I will do that, and I will keep you posted.
Thanks for all the support, this means a lot to me.

[Antoline]

A little update. I have been to doctor, I was diagnosed with major depression disorder and bipolar (mild) was prescribed prozac 20mg and zyprexa 5mg one each daily (morning and night).

[LylaJean]

I'm glad that you got the help you needed. (I've been following this post a bit) I really hope everything gets sorted out for you. Keep us updated on how those meds seem to work for you.

[Antoline]

Hi Lyla, thanks for your concern. The meds works, I think. I don't seem to have any emotion or maybe just a little emotion so far. some minor side effects dry mouth and skin (face), drowsy.
But today I run out of it, Have not been to the doctor yet. any of you know the side effect if the med stopped for a few days. quite worried about it.