[Spike87]

Hi all,

I'd like some thoughts on my situation. I'm not necessarily asking 'what should I do', but would like to put my story/thoughts down, gauge people's responses, and consider different points of view. Having said that, let me apologise for the length of this post (!) and elaborate on my situation.

Basically, I am thinking of divorcing my wife. Let me explain. In her teens my wife attempted to kill herself twice. She has grown up with no real friends (except one person) and is very anxious in social situations (sometimes she will run away or cry about it after returning home). She is also quite a negative person, and can become angry with relatively little provocation. I married her knowing these things, but (naïvely) thought that I could help her fix these things, provide protection, and make her flourish - after all, we were in love.

However, weeks after getting married things started to go downhill. We started to argue over things (we never argued whilst dating) and I discoverd that my wife was very scared/stressed by change (such as moving into our house, sorting bills etc.) and would spend great lengths of time with me making sure we were completely organised for our move and future. I began to suspect a sort of OCD here, as she would also make me pick up any crumb on the floor, sweep food preparation areas, align furniture etc. This was annoying, and I started to think of her as a nag, but things soon took a darker turn.

She often sees 'monsters' that seek her harm around the house, and lives in a constant state of fear and being on edge. In our frequent arguments (usually over small things such as whether we should switch energy providers or not!) she would become furious and, sometimes, take on what appeared to be a different personality. This new personality would scream, speak complete nonsense, clench her fists, and hiss and snarl like an animal. This has probably happened about five times in the last year. In these fits of rage, she has told me that she hates me and, on one occasion, has hit me (I thought she came very close to this the other times too). After these 'transformations' subside, she is distraught and asks for my forgiveness. She has also admitted to me that she sometimes hears 'voices' that tell her to hurt me, or sees images of her doing so (such as when we are sitting together on the couch), and that this distresses her.

I have convinced her to get help about these things, and we are in the process of seeing psychologists and chaplains. However, this is an extremely slow process and, at present, provides little hope.

As you can imagine, living with this for almost two years has taken its toll on me, but the last three months have been hideous from my perspective: I constantly feel trapped, hopeless, like my dreams have been crushed, and I have frequently thought about suicide (although I wouldn't go through with it. I haven't told my wife about the suicidal thoughts either). For a long time I have fantasised about leaving her and starting my life again. My wife is currently visiting her family for a couple of weeks, and I hoped that this might allow me chance to relax and reflect on things. However, she is constantly texting me and we talk on the phone every evening. These talks have sometimes ended in arguments and, the last couple of nights, we were on the phone for hours, her in tears, because she thought that I haven't been telling her I loved her enough or expressing my love as creatively as I had when we were dating. There seems to be no escape, and the fact is, because of the experiences I've had with her, I'm starting to resent her and want my life as a single man back. I hate feeling like I am constantly on eggshells around her (either from making a 'mess', or potentially provoking an argument from nothing) and know that I am lying when I tell her I love her. Moreover, as I was reflecting on all of this, it suddenly dawned on me that I am actually scared of her! I couldn't believe this at first - when a confidant asked me about how her personality swings make me feel I assured him that I was uneasy but not scared! - but it actually makes sense and explains my inability to love her and feelings of unease around her. I believe that my experience has given me deep emotional wounds that, despite my forgiveness of her, are unable to heal.

I fear that I will soon suffer some sort of breakdown from the feelings of resentment/sadness that I have and the pretence of my love for her. I think that my intuition is screaming at me to run (manifesting itself in the depression, suicidal thoughts, relief when I'm alone, fantasies of divorce etc.) but I know that she loves me (perhaps obsessively?), and would most likely revert to her suicidal tendencies should I tell her the truth about my feelings and leave.

Help.

Any comments appreciated.

[StrongerMan]

Hi Spike87,

That part about her rage episodes sounds a lot like my 4 yo niece's recent behavior. She has even resorted to biting. Your description is strikingly similar. Many children go through periods like this. They can't help their behavior of course and it seems personality disordered individuals can have a similar disconnect with reality and loss of control when in these rage states. It varies in degree, of course, from person to person and their particular disorder. My narcissistic ex gf would stomp off with the time honored temper tantrum and accompanying silent treatment and refusal to listen (hands over ears). And some PD's can seem to lose total control and become wild and violent posing a danger to themselves and others. This is the way they impose their will on the other person. Anything else leaves them feeling out of control and vulnerable to their worst fear... abandonment (mentally or physically). The only help for her will come with therapy and finding out exactly where this defense mechanism stems from so a diagnosis and treatment can move forward. I'm not sure from what you said if she has seen a psychologist and the therapy is slow or it is taking time to even see someone. I can relate to you about feeling trapped and hopeless. Not wanting to leave nor feeling as if you can continue with the confusion, pain and anguish. Although mine was on a lesser scale in some ways, in others it was very similar. You need to seek professional help yourself to learn how to ward off the negative effects of your wife's behavior and/or recover from it should you eventually end the relationship. But please know that there is help and these problems are not insurmountable. And you can, in the very least, obtain guidance on how to part ways with your wife in a safe manner should that be necessary. And know it is a perfectly normal and viable option to consider in these situations. Nothing to feel guilty over. There are times when the person accepts help and times when they will be absolutely resistant. It sounds like your wife is willing. You can help her and also help yourself concurrently in various ways. This is not an either/or proposition. But professional help is needed to sort that all out. I wish you the best.

[lad007]

Sorry for your situation.
If your wife hears voices and sees things she could have a lot more serious problems than OCD. I know you are seeing a psychologist, but sounds like she needs to see a pdoc and try to get those serious symptoms calmed down.

[Spike87]

StrongerMan and lad007,

Thank you both for your replies. To clarify: my wife is willing to get help. She has had an appointment at a mental health clinic and told everything mentioned above (I was there with her so I know she didn't leave anything out) to the mental health person (I don't know their actual title but she was definitely not a psychiatrist/chologist. I think she was some sort of nurse). This person took notes and later (after we left) passed it on to the psychiatrist who deemed my wife's condition not serious enough for psychiatric therapy, and instead referred us to a psychologist. Having visited the psychologist, and recounted everything to him, he suggested that she could benefit from 'treatment' which will involve 'talking to someone about her experiences' and not have them think that she's 'mad'. Personally, I think this sounds like we're being palmed off and both of your comments have confirmed to me that I need to demand a second opinion and affirm the seriousness of the situation. Hopefully a psychiatrist will be able to see her and give a diagnosis of something. It's probably worth mentioning that I live in the UK and so will probably have a different referral process to the US.

Thank you both again for your comments - please feel free to follow up if you want.

If anyone else feels like they could give some insight/advice/help etc., or just a general remark, please do add to this thread.

[tattedmommy75]

Originally Posted by Spike87

Hi all,

I'd like some thoughts on my situation. I'm not necessarily asking 'what should I do', but would like to put my story/thoughts down, gauge people's responses, and consider different points of view. Having said that, let me apologise for the length of this post (!) and elaborate on my situation.

Basically, I am thinking of divorcing my wife. Let me explain. In her teens my wife attempted to kill herself twice. She has grown up with no real friends (except one person) and is very anxious in social situations (sometimes she will run away or cry about it after returning home). She is also quite a negative person, and can become angry with relatively little provocation. I married her knowing these things, but (naïvely) thought that I could help her fix these things, provide protection, and make her flourish - after all, we were in love.

However, weeks after getting married things started to go downhill. We started to argue over things (we never argued whilst dating) and I discoverd that my wife was very scared/stressed by change (such as moving into our house, sorting bills etc.) and would spend great lengths of time with me making sure we were completely organised for our move and future. I began to suspect a sort of OCD here, as she would also make me pick up any crumb on the floor, sweep food preparation areas, align furniture etc. This was annoying, and I started to think of her as a nag, but things soon took a darker turn.

She often sees 'monsters' that seek her harm around the house, and lives in a constant state of fear and being on edge. In our frequent arguments (usually over small things such as whether we should switch energy providers or not!) she would become furious and, sometimes, take on what appeared to be a different personality. This new personality would scream, speak complete nonsense, clench her fists, and hiss and snarl like an animal. This has probably happened about five times in the last year. In these fits of rage, she has told me that she hates me and, on one occasion, has hit me (I thought she came very close to this the other times too). After these 'transformations' subside, she is distraught and asks for my forgiveness. She has also admitted to me that she sometimes hears 'voices' that tell her to hurt me, or sees images of her doing so (such as when we are sitting together on the couch), and that this distresses her.

I have convinced her to get help about these things, and we are in the process of seeing psychologists and chaplains. However, this is an extremely slow process and, at present, provides little hope.

As you can imagine, living with this for almost two years has taken its toll on me, but the last three months have been hideous from my perspective: I constantly feel trapped, hopeless, like my dreams have been crushed, and I have frequently thought about suicide (although I wouldn't go through with it. I haven't told my wife about the suicidal thoughts either). For a long time I have fantasised about leaving her and starting my life again. My wife is currently visiting her family for a couple of weeks, and I hoped that this might allow me chance to relax and reflect on things. However, she is constantly texting me and we talk on the phone every evening. These talks have sometimes ended in arguments and, the last couple of nights, we were on the phone for hours, her in tears, because she thought that I haven't been telling her I loved her enough or expressing my love as creatively as I had when we were dating. There seems to be no escape, and the fact is, because of the experiences I've had with her, I'm starting to resent her and want my life as a single man back. I hate feeling like I am constantly on eggshells around her (either from making a 'mess', or potentially provoking an argument from nothing) and know that I am lying when I tell her I love her. Moreover, as I was reflecting on all of this, it suddenly dawned on me that I am actually scared of her! I couldn't believe this at first - when a confidant asked me about how her personality swings make me feel I assured him that I was uneasy but not scared! - but it actually makes sense and explains my inability to love her and feelings of unease around her. I believe that my experience has given me deep emotional wounds that, despite my forgiveness of her, are unable to heal.

I fear that I will soon suffer some sort of breakdown from the feelings of resentment/sadness that I have and the pretence of my love for her. I think that my intuition is screaming at me to run (manifesting itself in the depression, suicidal thoughts, relief when I'm alone, fantasies of divorce etc.) but I know that she loves me (perhaps obsessively?), and would most likely revert to her suicidal tendencies should I tell her the truth about my feelings and leave.

Help.

Any comments appreciated.

First off, you write very well. I was able to follow your story fluidly and it kept me interested despite the length. I didn't think it was long-winded.

Your story saddened me. It reminded me of situations I've been in. It presented my current marriage to my face. I'm actually the mentally ill one in the family but the illness creates a dynamic in the relationship. And I have a personal struggle much like yours.

Do I stay because I love him and want to work hard for our marriage? Or do I want to find happiness elsewhere. Because like you I'm starting to build resentment and the welcome the relief when he isn't here.

Your situation doesn't sound healthy. You've mentioned your wife's statements of hurting you. I'd be scared too! I think that crossed the line. Its one thing when there is arguing and issues such as abuse, mental illness, alcoholism that you can work through with help but the mention of killing you is a little much. Maybe a temporary separation would help you figure out if its over or if the issues just need some working out in a safe manner. Staying with her out of fear of her suicidal tendencies is not fair to you. You have a life to live, it won't last forever.

[tattedmommy75]

Originally Posted by Spike87

StrongerMan and lad007,

Thank you both for your replies. To clarify: my wife is willing to get help. She has had an appointment at a mental health clinic and told everything mentioned above (I was there with her so I know she didn't leave anything out) to the mental health person (I don't know their actual title but she was definitely not a psychiatrist/chologist. I think she was some sort of nurse). This person took notes and later (after we left) passed it on to the psychiatrist who deemed my wife's condition not serious enough for psychiatric therapy, and instead referred us to a psychologist. Having visited the psychologist, and recounted everything to him, he suggested that she could benefit from 'treatment' which will involve 'talking to someone about her experiences' and not have them think that she's 'mad'. Personally, I think this sounds like we're being palmed off and both of your comments have confirmed to me that I need to demand a second opinion and affirm the seriousness of the situation. Hopefully a psychiatrist will be able to see her and give a diagnosis of something. It's probably worth mentioning that I live in the UK and so will probably have a different referral process to the US.

Thank you both again for your comments - please feel free to follow up if you want.

If anyone else feels like they could give some insight/advice/help etc., or just a general remark, please do add to this thread.

I was a psychology major, have Bipolar Disorder, worked in health care with mentally ill patients, and understand a lot about mental illness and can confidently say that your wife needs psychiatry. That doctor advising no psychiatric treatment made a bad decision. Healthy minds do not experience hallucinations. That's the key right there. Yes women can get highly emotional and flip out with some off the wall thoughts while raging but unless she's on drugs her dissociation from reality needs help ASAP.

[JLarissaDragon]

That your wife is willing to get help is a positive sign, The things that you describe suggest that there may be something more than OCD going on and it needs to get checked out by somebody competent. I would definitely try to get a second opinion is your system will allow it.
I have found talk therapy can be helpful if the person is cooperative. In the case of my depression it was going no where, so I sought out some other ways of support. Regardless healing is a process. Your wife is so fortunate to have you in a supportive role.

[Spike87]

Thank you for your responses everyone. Much appreciated.

[Irreplaceable]

I don't think this is a good situation for you to be in...Two things that really stuck out to me:

1) Your safety...And i even thought this before i read the part where you said you were scared of her...Listen, I know she has problems she can't help, but I would really evaluate this situation if I were in your shoes...What if you are asleep and she does something to you? She hears voices? Not good...She/the situation is too unpredictable...

2) How this is effecting your health...I mean, you have thought about suicide...Sure you may not have been seriously considered doing it, but just the thoughts that you have had is showing that this situation isn't healthy for you...Emotionally, mentally, and even physically...

You have to decide...Your health, or hers...If you stay with her right now, you won't be able to help her...

Hmm, ok bare with me, I am not a good writer.

Things that stick out to me ~ She says you don't express your love enough, you say that you know you are lying when you tell her that you love her. Why do you tell her that you love her if you do not? And I can see why she would be expressing concern or insecurity where that is concerned.

~ Marriage, sickness and in health, You say she is willing to get help, meaning this is not hopeless. Yes the help can be slow, it does sound like she needs a psychiatrist, and therapy. "Seeing monsters" is not just an ocd thing, she needs some real help. You said she had problems with suicide and anxiety and that you knew this going in. That you thought you could "fix" her. Well maybe you still can help, by helping her get professional help. Which you are doing.

~ It sounds like you could also use some professional help, some counseling? Help dealing with your own feelings, feeling on your marriage, figuring out whether or not you love her, want to make it work, or walk away.

You mentioned forgiveness of her, and resentment. To me these things are quite the opposite of each other. I hate to sound harsh, or to take the unpopular opinion, but here it is. Your feelings of being trapped, hopeless, dreams being crushed, wife nagging, well they sound like you are putting this all on her shoulders. But I think you are partly responsible for how you deal with things, and how you view them. Sometimes it's hard to really understand why the other person is doing what they are doing, and not see it as "look what they are doing to ME". Yet you don't love her? When did you stop loving her? Did you ever love her?

She obviously needs some help, but I think you do too. And if you do not love her, there would be no point of even trying to work things out, you can't make yourself love someone, that would not be fair to yourself, nor is it fair to the other person.

I do feel for you, this is not an easy road. I also feel for your wife, I have experienced psychosis, it is it's own kind of personal hell. Your story makes me very sad. I hope you can both find the help you need to get through this situation, weather together or not.

Oh, I wanted to add one more thing, your wife should probably also be checked out by a medical doctor as well, there are many Physical illnesses that can cause hallucinations, some quite serious ranging from brain tumors, lyme disease, and other less serious things such as hyperthyroidism, or lack of certain vitamins, just name a few. I think this should always be a step in ruling things out. One thing that would stand out to me to look at is a possibility of Bipolar, since you mention swings.

[DespondentDaisy]

Thanks for sharing, and welcome. First off, fom the sound of it, it sounds like your wife definitely has some form of OCD, but also may suffer from a combination of Shizophrenia(hearing voices and hallucinations are often a clear giveaway symptom of this) and perhaps also explosive temper disorder (I think I'm saying it wrong). If anything, I would at least try counseling first, both as a couple and also individually. It sounds like she has a lot of issues that if sorted out, you two could probably work things out in the long run. Good luck!

Originally Posted by Spike87

Hi all,

She often sees 'monsters' that seek her harm around the house, and lives in a constant state of fear and being on edge. She has also admitted to me that she sometimes hears 'voices' that tell her to hurt me, or sees images of her doing so (such as when we are sitting together on the couch), and that this distresses her.

She's exhibiting s/o schizophrenia:

Sees monsters in the home: visual hallucinations
Hears voices: auditory hallucinations

The ONLY way to heal such behavior is with medication. If she doesn't get the psychotic episodes under control she won't be able to handle reality.

hi spike

I'm from the uk too, Your story saddens me, When your wife has another episode take her to a and e and there she will be seen by the crisis team who will help her.

This sounds like it goes deeper than OCD to me, I would ask for a second opinion.

[maggie3]

It's obvious you care for her if you are here now. I think it would be nice if the two of you would go to therapy together. If you both understood each other more -inside- maybe things could get better. If she knew how you were feeling, it could provoke some good change in her. For better or for worse...sometimes I agree with that...if this is the worst, know it will only get better if the both of you want it...it's worth a try before giving up.