[Irene95]

I already asked the therapist, but I've no idea if hey will answer..

This probably sounds like a rant, but my Chinese mother had a very hard childhood (divorce, beatings, poverty). Now, she is over protecting me. Piano lessons because she wanted them herself, a 7:00 curfew and 10:00 bedtime, monitoring how much water I drink, not letting me chose when, what or how much I eat, trying to bribe me with ice-cream to finish a second plate of vegetables when I was uncomfortably full already (yes, really). At one point I was going pro-ana, just to have a tiny bit of control, but she never noticed, and I stopped, with help from a friend.
I've never done drugs, smoked, drank alchohol, skipped school, gone out late, gone to a party or even kissed a guy, and I don't have many friends.
It’s really frustrating. She also goes the other way, taking out her anger on me, as though it was my fault she stayed with my dad, or leaving me alone to deal with certain issues.
She also expects me to get good grades and remember everything, because of my 144IQ. My grades a really bad though. All mistakes are then 'on purpose, to annoy her'. Even when I get a cold, she acts like it's my fault, done to make her life harder.
I don't know what to do. I used to reason, then argue with her, but it didn't work in any way. Now, I stay quiet. It's lead to some SI, but nothing bad yet. The worst is that there are really great times, followed by awful lows, triggered by stress/pain/anger/helplessness on her part?
Next year this time, I'll be leaving for college. I'm scared that I won't be able to be independent. She never even lets me ask questions to a doctor myself, how am I going to deal with credit cards and applications? She's already decided my career! (Interpreter at the UN, like it's sure I'll be accepted)
We've gone to a psychologist before, when she was thinking of divorce, but now she refuses.

I've no idea what to do??? (btw, thanks if youve read it all ^^ I know, its long :s)

[Purple Heart]

Sorry to say this but your mum is very controlling! Toxic behaviouir too! How old are you? Are you an adult yet? If so see a therapist for your own wellbeing. If not maybe speak to your guidance officer at school for help.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I'm sorry for this Irene. I hope you and your mom can solve your problems before you head off for school. Just try to remember, no one is perfect, including parents. When she gets stressed out, it's her way of trying to gain control by controlling you. It's wrong but again no one is perfect. It does sound like your mom is very controlling. Coming from a parent herself who had an unpleasant child hood, it takes a lot of me not to be extremely strict on my child. It's hard knowing the dangers that could be out there and watching our children face them head on. It's something a lot of parents go through but most parents learn to find a happy middle between caring too much and caring too little. I'm trying to find that place now. But as far as your mom goes, you're about to go off to college right? When you do it's your life. Let her know while you appreciate all of the love and support you have gotten from her over the years, you feel like you are growing up but she's putting a hold on that with how strict she is being and you're concerned that it may effect how your handle yourself when you're on your own. Without arguing, just let her know how much not experiencing life for yourself is effecting you. If you can find a way to say this calm and nicely, there's a good chance she will listen and hear what you have to say. If not, just remember you're off to school to start your own life soon enough and once you do, for the rest of your life the decisions you make will be yours and yours alone if you so chose.

[madisgram]

it will be good to go to college and a distance from mom. she sounds very controlling. i can with some assurity tell you that you'll be ok. you won't be a failure. you will self teach yourself at school about life. my childhood was like i lived in a bubble. my father didn't allow me to learn good coping skills, he demanded good grades, he set ridiculous curfews, he planned for me to marry a senator but be educated. he didn't want me to work married, just be able to talk intellectually with my senator husband. he chose my friends. so i totally understand your delimma.
just hang in there...freedom of choice is coming and with no abusive behavior from mom.

[Irene95]

Late reply, I know. Sorry for that. I though things were getting better >< And till today, I definitively thought I could control my SI. Does anyone know of a good chat room to go to? I don't have any ideas of what to post to get to my 5 required posts here. Ugh, Im so sick of this.

[Irene95]

Just out of curiosity's sake, do you know of any parents who have threatened running away to get their kids to do their homework? Or getting angry enough over a messy room that they say-"if you hate me so much, then kill me"- while holding out a big kitchen knife? Or divorce threats over a bad grade?
I mean, ok, she was just being melodramatic I guess. It was a quite a few years ago, I was a kid, but it's bugging me right now.
I suddenly remembered and can't get it out of my head. I keep having these.. sort of flash-backs. Any ideas on how to forget it, get over it, whatever? Thanks.

[Confusedinomicon]

When you get into college next year, look into the counseling program. If you can get a part time job you can pay the bills without her knowing you are seeing anyone for therapy. It sounds like you're suffering from some stress-disorder.

Your mom doesn't sound stable emotionally. Try looking up Borderline Personality Disorder. It may not be your mother completely but may help you shed some light on her thinking processes.

You can also get in the chat now. There are a lot of people who are patient and will listen to you. (Just click on the Chat (x) button, then hit the door, then go to a room with people in it)

[Irene95]

Well it's not flash backs exactly, but just... remembering a lot. I guess it's bugging me because I just figured out that that kind of scene stopped when I stopped 'adding fuel to the fire' and answering back (and since I started SIing, I just realised). Nothing like that happened recently, not since both a shrink and my father told me to stop yelling back at her and say nothing.
I feel that what she did was sort of my fault, since she stopped when I did. So I doubt she has any disorder.
But my SI just recently got worse (before I would only punch/scratch, now I cut) Maybe that's why I'm remembering so much.
Would 'stress-disorder' still affect me though? It's been years now, the last time was at least 3 years ago.

[Confusedinomicon]

Well, a stress disorder could be some kind of anxiety. It could be depression too. Post-traumatic-stress-disorder? Since I'm not a licensed therapist/psychiatrist I can't actually diagnose you. That's why I suggested you see a therapist if/when you can.

I suggest you post in the Self-Injury forum (http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=17) if you are going to self-harm. There are many helpful and loving people in this forum and it deals solely with that.

[Irene95]

Thanks a lot for your answer Actually, I am hoping to go to a school in Taiwan next year, and the kids there probably have it a lot worse than I do! The mentality is sort of like in China, lots of 'tiger mothers' if you've heard of them. So I'm not likely to find a therapist there!

I guess I should see one here, but the last shrink I went to (I never had any kind of therapy, it was just an IQ test)was really bad. And how on earth do I ask my parents?

"Hey, you've given me a disorder, maybe even depression, now can I go see a shrink?" *big smile*

They are under the delusion that everything's fine and I'm only failing school and quitting my hobbies and interests because I'm lazy, but other than that we are all one happy family. Yay. Not.

[Confusedinomicon]

I am fully aware of 'tiger mothers'. My roommate is from Taiwan and she has a lot of pressure from her family to do well. Her whole psyche is built around pleasing her family and doing well. Her parents and older siblings have all been fairly successful in their careers. (They are 8-10 years older than her)

Even if you feel like you cannot see a therapist, there are still some holistic ways that may help you. You can try looking up mindful meditation, (Or any type of meditation!) and trying to find free resources online (Like there are some CBT/DBT exercises). Adding some exercise may also help you. Being active here and talking to people about some of your emotions can also help.

I can't gauge how severe the symptoms you have. Moving away from your family may be the key in your ability to really recover. Can you talk to your dad? Your mom doesn't sound emotionally stable, but maybe your dad is? You might be able to talk to him and have him help you out somehow.

I don't think you are lazy. It sounds like you are stressed out about your home life and it is making it hard for you to cope outside of it. I wish I could help more.

[iseepurple]

Originally Posted by Irene95

"Hey, you've given me a disorder, maybe even depression, now can I go see a shrink?" *big smile*

They are under the delusion that everything's fine and I'm only failing school and quitting my hobbies and interests because I'm lazy, but other than that we are all one happy family. Yay. Not.

OMG i Totally get you! my parents are Indian, so i have the same over protected thing going on.

I'm 19 now and I've been dealing with this for ages you and yea you can't just be like, omg, you did this to me because they will never accept that! like never!
its always an 'excuse' or whatever,
and its so annoying when people ( as in my aunty) say or this will change in time because when I was younger it was like oh wait till you turn 16, then 18 and now 21.

I get you with indian/asian parents there is no "let's talk about this" because you will always be wrong

but let me tell you, that YOU have to fight for YOUR freedom rather then just wait because otherwise nothing is going to change and you will have regrets in your life.

that said, the best year of your life are still to come so be positive! and be happy by keeping a smile on my face,

when i have a good day and my rents wana ruin it when I get home, I simply say " I have had a good day , and I'm not going to let you ruin it"
and when they yell and scream , I just repeat my self and eventually they let it go.
because at the end of the day, lets face it, they are not going to change, until you get older much much older like married and kids type. so whenever you have a fight, and you feel depressed say this your self....

'" there is no point in worrying about something you can not change"

If you are worried about respect, remember you can't truly respect someone when you don't like them, harsh i know but in my case its true. because depression will effect you a lot. with me it had impacted on the relationships around me, I'm not very open and keep things to myself because you never "TALK about things in our cultures you just get drunk with the words "I'm going to get my *** kicked" and hold it down with the word respect.

man i just wrote a lot, but its only cause i really really really get you!
hope I helped even a little. xo

[Irene95]

Confusedinomicon- Actually I used to do meditation, but, I'm having problems with that actually...
iseepurple- I get the fight for your freedom thing (if I didn't I don't know if I would have computer access..) But in general, when I fight back, my mom gets all melodramatic. I can ignore the yelling, I'm used to it, I can't ignore my mother repeatedly hitting her head against the wall, hard, saying it's all my fault (though that has only happened twice, but even once is more than enough).
I think it will change in time, as I'm planning to go as far away as I can for my studies.

I'm really worried right now though. I've told my parents I have a hard time concentrating and even remembering what I read (I used to love reading ) And they said they knew someone who had the same problem, went to a psychologist, and was better. And with some manipulating on both sides, I now have an appointment for next week.

And I'm freaking out because, I thought I wanted to see one, but now I can, I don't want to anymore! It's one thing saying stuff here, its another so say it to someone face to face. I don't think Ill even be able to talk about it >< What if she tells my parents something? Like she can't repeat what I said (at least I don't think so), but can she tell my parents her conclusions from what I said? And now I feel like a whiny teen exaggerating my feelings again. And I don't think I can even start saying anything about SI. This is awful

Originally Posted by Irene95

Thanks a lot for your answer Actually, I am hoping to go to a school in Taiwan next year, and the kids there probably have it a lot worse than I do! The mentality is sort of like in China, lots of 'tiger mothers' if you've heard of them. So I'm not likely to find a therapist there!

I guess I should see one here, but the last shrink I went to (I never had any kind of therapy, it was just an IQ test)was really bad. And how on earth do I ask my parents?

"Hey, you've given me a disorder, maybe even depression, now can I go see a shrink?" *big smile*

They are under the delusion that everything's fine and I'm only failing school and quitting my hobbies and interests because I'm lazy, but other than that we are all one happy family. Yay. Not.

Wow. This is exactly how I felt about two months ago. My parents thought I was absolutely fine. Everyone thought my life was perfect, great parents, good grades, art/guitar, cheerful...
But I was actually developing depression, had OCD and am going through psychosis. I had no idea what to do, where to go or anything.
So I went to school and asked the counsellor there for help. She rang my mother, then I got Doctor's appointments and now I'm with an early intervention psychosis team. Maybe try this? Ask your parents first though. I know how hard it is, it took years for me. Just be really serious and sit them down and tell them everything; depressed mood, worsening grades, feeling trapped, losing interest etc..
Good luck! I hope I helped a bit

~ WTTJ

[Confusedinomicon]

I don't think you should invalidate your feelings.

The psychologist cannot tell your parents ANYTHING unless you tell her you are feeling suicidal. (Which I don't think you are). Take advantage of this opportunity to talk to someone who may help you forge some stability.

[iseepurple]

Originally Posted by Irene95

And now I feel like a whiny teen exaggerating my feelings again. And I don't think I can even start saying anything about SI. This is awful

yeah I get you, don't worry, in the things will change, you're still young , believe me the best days of your life are still ahead of you.

yes, i definitely recommend going far away for your studies that way both of you get a break from things. you mum might have other things she is stress d about and is taking it all out on you .

and you should definitely do the counselling thing because you need to let it out, and yea councillors have to keep things confidential unless they feel their clients are planning to harm themselves. don't worry about exaggerating feelings because i get that you don't want to sound like you are complaining!
but
this is really affecting your life, and you only have one so i say you need to map the most of it. You're not some crazy party person, you're a good person who gets good grades and knows that to have a career is important. that is the main thing. Don't sit their and emotionally suffer on your own because our mind often makes thing appear a lot worse then they are making you feel a lot worse,
so talking to someone will let that out and keep your mind clear.

you are doing the right thing by seeing a councillor. don't back down. don't settle.

[Woundedheart1]

I can relate. My parents were very invasive and controlling as a child and young adult. Even as I grew to a young woman they inserted their opinions and biasises constantly! Now that my father has passes my mother is back to her old tricks. She reals me in and is very contrite when she wants to be and tries to direct my whole life , food men how I run my house everything but when she gets mad she blames me fir taking up too much of her time and space! I don't get her! It's a push pull control only relationship . I'm sick of it. It did get better when I got to college or if I moved away from home but she always finds a way to draw me home with manipulation. I wish the best of luck.

[iseepurple]

Originally Posted by Woundedheart1

It did get better when I got to college or if I moved away from home but she always finds a way to draw me home with manipulation. I wish the best of luck.

Considering you are an adult, maybe you can sit down and talk her and be like mum this is my life, you need to give me space, you need to let her know that she is not going to loose you. can you make her sign up to anything? if she makes friends she will want to spend time with them and make other interest that way she can stop hassling you maybe?

hope that help.