[conklinca]

Over issues where others get a little mad and get over it, I get really mad and feel hurt and respond by verbally abusing those close to me, especially my husband. One therapist told me to set a later, calmer time to discuss a problem when it arises, but I found I often can't get myself to wait before yelling and that when I have to wait for some reason (i.e., I get angry when my husband is not home), waiting gives me more time to think about the problem and results in me getting more upset, to the point where I become self abusive. Trying to take my mind off problems doesn't work--I need a way to deal with problems as they happen and to see problems in perspective. Suggestions?

[Serenity]

toughie Im no therapist but maybe there are more issues behind how you react when you feel hurt? I know when I get hrut it has a huge emotional cost to me. Although I dont lash out...I internalize it and cause myself more damage and harm then i could ever inflict on anyone else.
Only one person I know Of I react instantly...an thats because I have complete trust with them. SOmethign I dont know Ive ever had so I feel "ok" honestly reacting.
Sounds like there might be other issues behind your reactions ccause it sounds liek you dont liek them either....were your parents highly critical of you or an ex? I dunno...just trying to help , sorry if it wasnt much help

[CompletelyDiff]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Conklinca,
I know the feeling. My experience has been that when I get angry and verbally lash out. Then I feel guilty about having lashed out. I have gotten better, much better - mainly by knowing that I can not do it on my own. I take a deep breath and hand over my anger to my higher power. I try to remember that we are all people trying to live a life and sometimes we knock into eachother (figuratively). I try to put into perspective what is/was said or done in the context of years. Will this bother me next year or is it just a temporary fluctuation? If it is something that will linger I try to do something proactive about it - change the circumstances so that I am not in that situation again or discuss it with whoever is involved. If it is temporary I try to remember what a friend said years ago - let the words roll off you like water off a ducks back. It is wonderful that you recognize this as something you want to change and desire growth. Encouragement from here!
CD

[conklinca]

To Serenity and CD: Thanks for the insights, which I;ll keep in mind as I continue working toward healthier relations and a healthier marriage....

[alexandria]

Will you welcome me in your club?) I do the same: I say bad things I don't mean. My "favorite" is : I want a divorce!

[ltlredvett]

How do you stop hurting others? Well, I think that you have taken a HUGE first step by admitting that you know that you do hurt others.

I was married to a woman for 19 years that did the very same thing that you seem to do. She would lash out at me whenever something did not go her way. I found myself walking on eggshless for fear that I would cause another emotional outburst. Over the years I know I enabled this behavior. I would do anything I possibly could do to keep teh peace and avoid another outburst. Litlle by little I lost who I was inside. The closenss I once had with my wife was gone. I grew to dislike the outbursts and eventually I grew to dislike her. We are now divorced.

Even now after the divorce my ex wife has not changed her behaviors. She lashes out ot the kids, particularly when she is under stress. I don't make excuses for my ex with my kids. However, I do tell them that she loves them and they need to talk to their Mom about her behaviors when she is in a calm mood.

When we were going through marriage counseling the counselor told my ex that when she acts that way she is hurting or upset and often times just needs to be comforted. It was her way of reaching out for help. However, the therapist told her that her actions had the oppposite affect. Instead of getting the help and emotional support she wanted she didn't get the help and certainly received no emotional support. Giving her emotional support when she acted like that was the furthest thing from my mind.

So what do you do next? You do anything in your power to change this pattern of behavior. My ex's behavior resulted in a loss of our marriage. And, even my 10 year old daughter has told my ex to stop doing it or she will not want to ahve a relationship with her when she gets older. Change or you will lose everyone that is dear to you.

Next time something happens instead of lashing out try a different approach. Maybe ignore the issue for a while and try discusssing it at a later time when you are calmed down. Or surprise the hell out of those around you and "take it in stride". Then, watch the reactions of those that love you. After they get over their shock, you just might see them getting closer to you, you might see your relationships becoming closer and stronger.

The thing that always amazed me about my ex's outbursts and lashing out is that it never made the situation better. It always made it worse. Much worse. And the impact from one of those outbursts lasted for weeks and weeks. So why go through that? What is the point of it all? Is it worth losing all those that love you? I think not.

[FearsomeAnna]

Conklinca,

Great words by Mr. Vette! - Additionally, I here's something I learned from my parents who have been very happily married for 26 years. It's really helped me in my past and present relationships. I never, ever heard my parents raise their voices at each other in anger. They'd get pissy and upset with each other (it definitely wasn't Leave it to Beaver in my house!!) but instead of screaming at each other, they'd either discuss the issue immediately and calmly the second something bothered one of them or if they couldn't do that, take a breather from each other for half an hour or so until they calmed down and THEN discussed it.

I know it can be very, very hard to keep from going with the first instinct, which is to scream the daylights out of the other person. Trust me there have been times with my fiance where I would really, REALLY love to give him a piece of my mind. Loudly. However, as you have noticed, that serves no purpose except to upset everybody futher. One thing you might want to try with your husband that worked for Jordon and me (especially when I was manic and thus extraordinarily touchy) is to 1) let your husband know you are working on controlling your temper so that he doesn't react as defensively and 2) have your husband refuse to get involved in a screaming match with you. Seriously. Tell him to walk away if you start berating him and have him come back every few minutes to see if you're ready to discuss things calmly. If you are, great! If not, try another few minutes. If in the middle of discussing the issue either of you start to get upset and angry, IMMEDIATELY shut up and walk away. Keep repeating that until it becomes retrained in your head that yelling gets you nowhere, but calm discussion does.

Thoughts?

Anna

some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett