Need help

Hello its me again. Well my girlfriend just broke up with me. And im in a deep depression. She says shes not in love with me like that anymore and i believe its my fault. She said that it was due to the arguments we had a lot and that I didnt listen to her as I should for example one time we got into a argument and she said she wanted to seperate and I told her I can fix things I can change and the argument wont come up again. I said that a lot because I wanted to be strong for her and so that if i thought i didnt bring the same argument back up then things would be fine but I guess i should have gone to seek help in the beginning. We have argue a lot in the past nine months and I never meant to hurt her. But she has given her all. Sometimes I would ask her if she loves me or if there was someone else just to keep my fears and doubts at bay. I knew she loved me I knew she wasnt cheating but my fears got the better of me and look where it has gotten me. I thought I was listening but i guess i wasnt hearing. Im still in love with her and want her back but i cant force her to love me again. Ive been seeing a therapist to get myself together and try to be a better person for myself and her. She said she wants to be friends. It hurts so much to know I caused this. I dont know if I can be friends with her I want to but Its so hard right now. I will do anything to get her back. But I need advice on what I should do right now should I just be friends with her and hope that she changes her mind and try again with me? Please I need help.

Well...I don't know much about the backstory here, but I will do my best.

I think it could be beneficial to you and her to try the friendship thing for awhile, but tell her, in sincerity, that you still have feelings for her, and that you hope you can prove yourself worthy of her (or something along those lines...I'll leave the wording to you). But don't try to force her...I don't think that ever really works in the long run. Work on your basis as a friend before you try again as a lover.

Things might be awkward for awhile. They usually are after a breakup. That is okay, and very normal. Just be you. Try to remember (and to an extent, make her remember, though again, you cannot force her heart) what brought you together in the first place.

I hope I was of some help to you. I wish you my best.

Accept her feelings. She needs to choose you, don't lie and be honest about what happened. Admit you screwed up, if you did. Flowers help. If she wants to know if you've got some inner strength, here is your chance. Show her you can stand on your own merits, and not misrepresent yourself. If she chooses to walk away, just try to let her know how it makes you feel, thats it. Don't prevent it. Maybe she will come back in the future. It happened to me. I've been married for 10 years to a person who left me for no real reason. It hurt. I forgave her. Now we love each other 10X more. It will be hard. My relationship pushed me to the edge of what I could handle. It was all worth it.

Thank you for your help its really hard to cope with cause she was my first love and my first for sex. And I know I cant force her into a relationship that she feels she dosent love me. I just hate that my thoughts are getting the better of me and really I cant imagine another mans hands on her. I know I have to deal with it but u know its hard.

anymore advice would be helpful please and thank u

I think you should discuss this with your parents.

I have and my mom said that if its meant to be then we will get back together. I also know that I have a lot of issues withy myself and I remeber in the beginning og our relationship I told her if she ever fell out of love with me i would let her go and she told me that if I needed help with myself and if she became a burden then she would break up with me and help me as a friend until I get back on my feet or if I didnt want to be friends she would try to help fom a far so im also wondering if that could be the real reason y she broke up with me. Idk I hope is that I do have some issues with myself but u know I thought I was doing ok with myself and taking it slow but I guess she felt that it wasnt enough. Idk i9f thats it or not im hoping thats it cause in the beginning of febuary I started seeking help from a therapist and its helping it really is even though we still had arguments not to the serious extent not like before but yeah. We saw each other the sunday before last and she told me that she didnt feel happy to see me. Before then we didnt see each other for a month because she wanted to seperate. I had my objuections but I went with it. During those times I argued with her about seeing me trying to see how long it would be but the thing is instead of asking I kinda tried to get her to see me. The only reason I didnt ask was because i was afraid of starting a argument but we I was trying to do did that anyway. I know I need to start asking questions more often but thats what happened and led it to this. It is my fault and I know im wrong but do u think that she still has at least a little bit of love left for me since she doing what she said she would have to do in the beginning/

Also before we saw each other we argued about something petty like four days before so im wondering if that too could have made her not happy to see me. My opion is that she thought that I wasnt changing. What do you guys think. Please help me.

Fastest way to find out is to ask her if she would consider dating you again or if she just wants you to stay in the 'friend zone'.

You have to move on if that's the case.

I think you're absolutely right, she didn't think that you were going to change. Sometimes it is helpful to put yourself in her situation. If you had someone who was constantly questioning your feelings or always arguing with you, it would probably push you away a little. The best thing to do is not blame yourself, but make yourself better. It is amazing that you are seeing a therapist to try to fix yourself! You are taking the right steps towards making a better you Fact is if you are not confident and secure with yourself, there is no way your relationship could be successful. In this case, I would not continue a friendship with her. It seems as though your feelings are so strong that it might hurt you even more to just be friends. In my opinion, I think it is best to explain to her your situation, i.e. "I love you, but I need to work on myself right now. I appreciate your friendship but I feel as though that will only slow my recovery process. I am always here for you and if you need anything, please let me know". It shows that you care for her so much that you are willing to let her go to become a better you. This may not be the response you were hoping for and I know I don't know your relationship personally, but sometimes it's better just to let people go. The person you are supposed to be with is out there somewhere and you just have to remember that there will be another girl that loves you as much as you love her. I hope this helped you! Good luck with everything!

From what I read, It sounds like she needs space and some room to grow for herself, maybe away from you. My wife did the same thing a long time ago. I know this might be hard to hear but, healthy relationships need to be voluntary. I don't think there is anything you can say to change her mind about this. It sounds like she wants to decide herself. If you love her, let her decide for herself. If she leaves, love her and allow her to leave. It would be her desire, let her fulfill her needs without you, if that is what she needs to do. If you are going to be a good partner, you NEED to be able to stand on your own, without her help. Maybe that is what she wants to know, if you can stand on your own and be independant. Maybe she thinks you depend on her too much and that she can't be what you appear to her, to need. It is going to hurt, love hurts. I do know. Find support for yourself; parents, therapist, religion, hobby somthing to help ease the pain, and get on with the business of your life; work, family and the rest. Good luck, These are all just my opinions, use them at your own risk.

Thank you all for your advice. I truly appreciate. Last night I talked to her and told her i will accept being friends with her and that to give me one month in order for me to get myself together and at the end of the month decide if U want to try again or not. Ive been changing and doing more for myself since the end of january so I think im making good progress right now. But this break up was so sudden and its been four days. And everytime i think about her I get anxiety. It dosent hurt like it did two days ago i feel a lot better but I love her. But anyways after I told her that she didnt say nothing. So im guessing she was thinking and she told me she will tell me today on the phone. So anxiety is getting to me and im kinda scared of what she is gonna say so what else do u guys think?

sakijuju,

If you don't mind my asking how are you and your girlfriend? You say that she is your first for many things so I am thinking you're still young.

When it comes to relationships sakijuju, everyone of us has to learn how to have a healthy relationship. It takes time to learn how to give each other respect as well as form REAL trust. You both have to learn how to sit down and discuss things rather then doing the blame game. You're not children anymore, it takes time to learn how to be adults. And if we don't have an example by seeing parents that can talk and respect each other, then we really never know how a healthy relationship is established.

I think that you may have been a bit too needy of her. I think that your own sense of insecurity was spilling over into wondering if she was going to find someone else that may show more security than you. We all can do that to a certain degree as we become very familiar of our weak areas as we struggle through life.

For many couples to stay together it can be very helpful to get couples counceling.
I know of a woman that has a coucelor that her and her husband have used for many years to assist her and her husband to keep on track and work on the different stages and challenges that come up as they both face different phases of life.

At some point as you reach out to your ex you may want to say that you are aware that you probably made mistakes and you love her enough to take steps in couples counceling so that the two of you can establish a healthy relationship. You can be honest and tell her that as you both are experiencing in each other a first for many things that maybe it is time to get advice so that you and her can build a happier closer more trusting relationship. After all, you're both have to grow as individuals as well and it is important to allow for that to take place along with a relationship.

Not very many men are willing to do the work in relationship building. The men that are willing have a much better chance at having a healthier relationship. It is ok to learn how to establish better communication, trust, and appropriate boundaries. If a relationship doesn't survive that attempt at the very least you will have learned something about having a healthy relationship.

Open Eyes

Well im saying she wasnt my first girlfriend i have had three before her but for sex and falling in love she was my first. We are both twenty and she has had boyfriends before me and they all have hurt her. I guess I was so afraid of hurting her with my ego and pride that I decided to make it all about her instead of me. I love her a lot and she knows that I do. I can say I was a little over protective and worried a lot about her when i didnt need too but I did. I think about her everyday and kinda not leave room for myself I understand that now. Im just so mad that it took me so long to see it. I was so afraid of hurting her that I hurt myself and ended up hurting her anyway. I never meant to do this. I never wanted her to feel like her love wasnt enough. She would comfort me and tell me im great. Yet I would tear myself down in order to try and humble myself and not let my pride or ego get into the way. But I guess I gave up too much of my pride and ego in order to try and not to hurt her.

keep the advice coming can never have too much advice so please still comment

sakijuju,
Well, your both just 20 and that is still pretty young. This relationship stuff takes time and it is work. I respect you for seeing a therapist and doing some honest self examining. It sounds like you were trying to make up for the others that hurt her.
We cannot fix the errors of others, so you are finding out, all we can do is our best to build trust in the other person who had been hurt.

I think you're learning alot and perhaps you could write down these things you're recognizing and be honest with her. She may be confused and may just think that yet another is going to hurt her, can't blame her for that. I think you both need to sit down and have an open heart to heart discussion.

You seem like a nice consciensious guy who wants to do the right thing. I think you're taking the healthy route in facing the problem areas. Not everyone can do that, some people just blame others or themselves and don't realize that you can actually work at finding solutions.

Open Eyes

Thank you for all that you guys have said. I really appreciate it and it has help me a lot so thank you all any more advice would be appreciated.

hey you guys its me again its getting better day by day. It dosent hurt as much but it still does. Whenever I say morning to her or good night I always make sure to say I still love you but this morning she told me that she dosent need me to do that right now. I guess I can understand since we both are trying to get ourselves together but I want her to know that I still love her. I guess my question is, is it bad to smother her with the love I have for her right now? Please comment

Please continue to comment I can never have enough advice.

try to think about the people in life who are alot worse off, you sound like a really nice person and im sure you will meet your dream girl, most of us dont normally end up with the first person u dated, be strong and think of all the positive things in life, try to look at the upside as there is an upside to everything
Love Deb