[wisewoman]

Okay, I will start this out by saying I am not kicking these kids out. At least right now I can't imagine doing so. I know for many of you it's been very frustrating to hear me complain about the sos and not do anything to change it. I decided a few weeks ago that I would find the calm and peace inside to allow me to love graciously and know it is about them.

Fast foreward to today. Things had been pretty okay. My son has taken the bulk of the responsibility for his girlfriend getting to work and then has been polite enough to ask me when they need help. Yesterday I had T till 12:30 and needed to wait around in town until 2:30 to get her after work. We had decided that she should stop at the house and get my youngest daughter and bring her to another town to see her T. What the means is that I gor home at 3:00. My body loadly protesting all of the work I had done the day before, and having a cow that I was doing more work. I took mega meds so I could move and finished the mopboard in my upstairs hallway. I left a note for both girls, mine and the girlfriend asking mine to please put all clean dishes away and fold up the blankets and such on the couches and straighten up couches. The girlfriend I asked to please sweep the kitchen, hall and bath. My kid did her thing, the other one ignored me, left a little later to go out with my son.

This morning hubby was turning off lights in kids room which are always left on, as is the tv and dvd player. As he was turning out the light he found a summons for my son to appear in court for DUI POT, and posession. This was issued on
Feb 1. He has not told us. I have no intention of hiring our family attorney. Thing is if he is found guilty he loses all federal aide for college. Who does he have to blame? Him. He will find a awy to turn it around and make himself a poor little victim. he came home baked the night before last from work and told me the girlfriend had driven him home. He was so baked he was all over the map. Woulda been a good time to get money out of him. He says the guys at work have a poker night with...... and that's how he got high.

I have no intention of speaking to him about this unless he brings it up, and when/if he does I will tell him to get a public defender and deal with it. Public defenders around here are worthless.

However, I did not do the crime, HE DID.

Vent Vent Vent. He is so broke but can socialize and spend money. He can be so darned lazy he can't even empty trash like I asked last night. And then the little creep yells at me today when I started mentioning that he could do a few things before he left again. He said something like which would I prefer, his quitting his job or school? Yes, he is taking 19 credits but big hairy deal. I have totally had it with his f-ing up. he is not stupid. He does not take responsibility for himself, his actions or his life. I didn't get him high and put him behind the wheel.

After sitting in court a few times he will get 60 hours on the work crew and a conviction for posession. By By student aide.......

[Lexicon78]

I agree...your son got himself into this mess and it's up to him to get himself out of it. He's an adult and needs to be held accountable for his behavior and his choices in life.

Babying him or bailing him out would be the worst thing to do.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. I mean on top of all the things that are your responsibilities, you have to deal with people not doing their part. It would completely frustrate and anger me beyond belief.

Hang in there.

[wisewoman]

Well, yesterday I had the paid kid who does work for me come in to help clean as I have recently overdone and back is tender. Son and girlfriend were home all day and I asked if he would please do some things that needed doing because I have to pay the


























































































yesterday I had the boy who helps me come to help clean as I overdid and hurt my back. I explained to the kid that I was paying for help. He told me he needed to study all day. Well, I asked him to do 2 things. He didn't do one and swore at me about the other. He and his girlfriend were in the kitchen making their breakfast at 12:30 so I had the boy start upstairs. He was uncomfortable with my son and princess not doing anything. So my daughter had already done dishes, all I wanted the helper to do was scrub the sink, stoves and counters. These little brats left their mess for others to pick up.

Their dishes from yesterday and today are still sitting in the sink. What they did was so obviously passive agressive. I did not see him studying all day. At one point they were sleeping.

So imagine my delight this morning to come down to another batch of dishes from last night in the sink. I washed the dishes I thought wern't theirs. I didn't even unload the dishwasher. They will need to see it and take some responsibility for it. Who knows. Sometimes I don't like my son. Like right now. Also hubby went to use a lap top last night and the hinge is totally broken off. Son was the only one to use. He denies harming it in any way. yup, I believe that one. I am beginning to wonder if he has a conscience.

[wisewoman]

I need help here, just because I say I can't kick these kids out, I still need help. The dishes from the other day after dishes were done sat in the sink. I washed everything else and probably some of theirs. Last night my spouse put the dishes in a laundry basket and put them in the kids room. We have been a month with 250 gallons of oil, that has never happened in the 20 years we have been here and the weather is mild. Kids insist on leaving their window open for fresh air even if it is 0 outside. Girlfriends cat peed on daughters things and still they sit at the laundry because they have not picked them up and yet they have money to buy drugs. Butt jar outside dumped, couldn't be the dogs, they don't go out that door. Girlfriend's jar. You need to know how gross this is for me. I asked spouse to please sweep it up for me as it is a real trigger for me. Laundry basket with dishes found in washing machine. Spouse put them in sink, I washed.

I really don't know what to do, he is my son and his behavior is making me nuts. I suspect that a lot of this is drug related. I spoke with our attorney the other day and she told me what would happen with him and that I was right, he should be left to fend for self with a public defender.

The thing that makes me stuck is that he acts like a victim and that is a trigger for me. My kids should never be victims, my adopted daughter left because she was a victim. Victim yes but of her boyfriend and of her past, not us. I get so confused. His behavior seems hateful at best. He can't see anyone but himself and girlfriend.

[LMo]

Wisewoman, my heart goes out to you. Here you are, being gracious enough to let those kids live with you, and they are taking you for granted and that p*sses me off.

What are your reasons for not requiring them to move out, btw? Why is it okay for the rest of your family to make these sacrifices?

I'm not criticising... just want to understand the background.

[wisewoman]

He is my son, I want him to feel loved. I never felt that. Then he knows what buttons to push. He has substance abuse and bipolar 2. I wonder what I have done to make him this way. He really loves us, I know that. I am confused about the tough love. There is no doubt that he will be at court by himself. We may have our attorney be there just happenstance to make sure he gets a public defender. Also, I had severely disturbed foster kids here when he was small and saw too much. He was exposed to things he never should have been. He has trauma in his history of a sexual nature and will not discuss it. I can guess it's one out of two scenerios. As for the girlfriend. She's a brat. Thinks the world owes her. Lived on welfare with a battered mom and mom appears to not have a conscience. She really doesn't even note that she dirties dishes and should clean, that her cat soils and needs clean litter. She is way messed up. She has anxiety and probably some sort of hallucinatory disorder but is aware they are hallucinations. She is moody and yells at my animals and my son. She makes me mad. She has said things to my daughter that make me mad but daughter handles it well. So that is the way it is for me. I feel responsible, I feel protective.

[(JD)]

http://www.egetgoing.com/drug_addict...g_behavior.asp How to change enabling behavior.

If what you have been doing was working, you wouldn't be feeling and reeling from the continue misbehavior of your children. I have found that for the most part, people have money for what they want to spend it on. (At least when they have money that's what they do.)

You need to take care of you, first. It appears obvious that no one else is going to do that for you, and maybe you won't even get the support you need IRL, except from a T.

You need to take care of yourself,first. You're worth it.

[wisewoman]

Thanks Sky, checked it out. Spoke with he kid who did pick up the cat soiled laundry and is picking up the tipped butt jar outside. No it's not working and I am more patient then my spouse but there were positive steps from today, at least for now. It will change tomorrow. He complained that it cost $45.00 for the cat cleaning and that they speant $15.00 on laundrymat. Well, life is tough, our dryer has been broken and I killed my back getting a used one yesterday and hubby was 2 hours late getting home so I did what I never should have and got the dryer on the handtruck and installed it. Boy was I mad at spouse!!!!! My own fault, impatience. Ouch today. Thanks for helping out, you do make sense.

[(JD)]

I really don't want to get into the whole issue, as it would look as though someone is "to blame." I don't want to make that impression. It appears that everyone involved ..well, is involved in their own drama.

I only know what I would do if I knew what I know.

What I do insist for you though, is to get help for you. If spouse would go too, that would be better, but if no one else tries to improve, you, at least, "should." You can't change others. You won't be able to change the situations at the rate everything is going, imo.

What you can change is you, and your situation, your responses, and resolve your needs. Once you have your own self-care established, then and only then, will you be able (maybe) to help others do the same. TC

[wisewoman]

I am working with a T on these issues as well who has been teaching me to not accept his blame and to show empathy but with boundaries. For example, we were not talking of little sister, I am sorry you feel that way now what are you going to do about x? It is not okay for you to speak to me like that, stop it now. The boundary stuff is hard for me. I have not spoken to hubby about the T. I am also trying to remember that we all need to hear positive. Whatever I can give him praise on sincerely I must do. Good job getting the pee laundry back. Thanks for cleaning up that mess. I try to affirm that I know he is working hard at school with 19 credits. However, part of me says tough tootles kid, I worked full time and went to school and paid my own rent etc. He states that he feels like he is either working or in class. Funny what you said about the money thing. They do always have it for what they feel is important. I was happy that he took that responsibility. Also one of the Katrina rescues got tangled in the charger to his lap top and the repair is $100, I told him and he said that just as it was their responsibility to deal with the cat pee, it was mine for the computer and I should pay repair. I told him I paid for the last repair and wanted at least $25.00 for this one and he agreed.

Our attorney did say that part of what he will have to do is substance abuse evaluation and counseling for the dui pot. Cool.

[(JD)]

Ok! Good to hear you're working with the T. I will try to remember that, and to encourage you to advocate for yourself (to all of your family, it seems.) TC

[wisewoman]

Today I had to run to nearest city, 45 miles away and when I got back the kids were doing housework!!!!! I was impressed. I hid out in my room most of the afternoon and when I scoped out the progress I see they are trying. There is a lot they just don't know but hey, they will learn. It felt good that they are trying. and a whine at the end. I have to go to a friend's 85 birthday dinner tonight and I really don't want to. Whine, whine. She looks foreward to it all year so I will go and be gracious.

[Rapunzel]

That whole situation sounds hard. I'm glad that you are getting some results now. It's hard to hold someone you love accountable and not bail them out, but you're doing the right thing.

Rap

[LMo]

very cool that they stepped up and did some work. I agree that the trying counts much more than the results at this stage. GREAT!!!!!!!

hbd to your friend! 85!!!!

[wisewoman]

My friend had a great birthday at this restaurant that gives birthday people free meals. I usually hate the food there but it's popular with the mature crowd. Last night the food was actually good, we had fun. I decided that this woman needs more "stuff" in her apartment like a hole in the head so I got her a book of stamps and a gift certificate to the local grocer who delivers. She had been quite ill with whooping cough of all things. So all in all it was good.

Today with T we spoke of the son and did some EMDR. It was great, I became more clear on what I wanted to do, where I was not acting as I desired, and what would my friend Jane have done, Jane who left us more then a year ago. Good stuff.

So let me try it out on you all. Instead of girlfriend being a princess.... She is a good looking young woman with an appetite for reading. She is very well read and well informed. She clearly loves my son. She made koogle for us last night, I had some later when I was hungry at midnight. She loves her cats and worries about them as though they were her kids. She is interested in Vet science and will probably end up working with animals eventually. She helps me remember doggie meds if she doesn't give them herself.

See, I am trying to be positive. My Jane would have taken the time to ask her about herself and really listen and I have not done that. That is my goal. What does this girl like? What interests her? What did she think about the book. I will start reading her cast offs as I too love to read. Anyway, thanks all. I am in a tough parenting place at this time in the kids lives with their various issues. I want to be good at it.

[LMo]

This is beautiful, Wisewoman. I love your redirection. Mind if I sponge off your idea? I should do the same thing to a few people in my life...

[Rapunzel]

That is beautiful. Not many people would take the time to stop and look for the positives and get to know the person who is irritating you. But that's the way to get the results you want - a good relationship with your kids and peace and harmony at home. Thanks for sharing that with us. It takes courage, doesn't it?

Rap

[wisewoman]

aww, you two Rap and LMO are so kind. Help me stay focused here and we will see the results. Warm fuzzies to all of you.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I remember Jane and your painful loss..but what a blessing to have had her in your life look at the gift shes left you and all you touch and reach....thats cool on seeing this girl and her kindness to animals...her reading and heart..thats what Jane gave you ......the kind of a heart that discerns...you have used this gift wisely

[wisewoman]

Thanks sweetie, help me stay focused here huh?

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I shall try ....balance is a key here too