[Rapunzel]

Hi. I normally avoid this forum. Some of you wouldn't believe it, because I do so much better online than I do IRL, but I'm not good at relationships. I freak out when people get too close.

Okay, one root of my problems is that I got married and had kids when I had no business doing that because I can't handle close relationships. That was almost 16 years ago. I'm still married, and I have three kids, ages 8-14. I'm starting to do a little better with the kids. But I wish that I could have had some independence and that I could have learned how to be myself, and I don't have enough space to do that. I don't like being home. My husband tells me that I like my friends on PC, my jobs, my animals, and everyone more than I like him. Well, none of them yell at me or are so demanding, or make me feel so guilty because he gives me everything and I give nothing back. I have nothing to give back. He says that's a lie, because I show caring for my online friends, and spend all of my time here, and come here to get support, but I don't with him. He's probably right, and I feel awful about it, and I shouldn't have strung him along for all these years, but I'm scared of what he would do if I came out and said that I don't want to be married. I don't want to hurt him like that. It seems so irresponsible. But what's the point in being committed to marriage, but not in love. I've never been in love. I've just been dependent, and I don't want to be dependent anymore. But I'm not what he needs.

Reminds me of that Dolly Parton song, that Whitney Houston redid. 'I will always love you.' It's such a sad song because she loves the guy and she leaves because she knows it's best for him. But I don't know if I love him enough to do that. I'm too scared. And I don't know if that's what is best. And I couldn't support myself either, and we couldn't afford separate households. And what about the kids.

T told me not to make any decisions yet, because I don't even understand why it's this way. I've felt like my life is just a mess, and I've felt like that for as long as I can remember, and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm trying to learn how to tolerate close relationships, but I'm not learning fast enough. I don't give him enough. I'm so selfish.

My grandmother died and I can't afford to fly to California for the funeral. I can't really afford the time off from work even, but if I don't go, I won't feel it, and I'll regret it, and I do want to support my mother. I haven't had a real connection with my family of origin, and I've been trying to work on that too. I don't have real connections with anybody, except maybe some online friends. My husband offered to drive me to the funeral. I've never driven that far by myself and it's scary, but the independence would be good too. I'm also scared that if he went, he would lecture me a lot while I'm a captive audience in the car. He's hurt that I might not want him to go, and I got another lecture, about all of the above.

He's not bad. I am. It's all my fault. He gives me everything. He gives me too much. I can't give him what he needs.

Rap

[bebop]

have you thought about marriage counseling with your husband?

[Rapunzel]

I'm in therapy. My therapist warned me before I started that recovery for me would probably mean the end of my marriage. I didn't accept that then. It's only been the last few weeks that I've started to see leaving him as a choice. I don't know if he would go to marriage counseling, but that might be an idea. He has told me he couldn't go to therapy because he couldn't make himself vulnerable like that.

I tried to tell him that I just need to not be so dependent on him all the time (I've been moving towards more and more independence over the last three years, and that has been a direct part of my recovery from the depression that I was constantly drowning in before), but he just says that I am supposed to cling to him. It doesn't feel healthy that he wants to keep me dependent. That's what my mother did to me, and it wrecked my life. But I feel so bad about not being able to give him what he wants, and maybe deserves.

Rap

[pegasus]

Rapunzel,

From what you have said before (in another post), I think you said that he is quite controlling and has a temper.
And at the time you blamed yourself then, for his actions.

It could be that through therapy you have learnt why you married young, and why you picked him.And now that you are "growing",have realised that you don't need to depend on him.

I don't know how far along you are in therapy.
If you have not been in therapy very long then it is not best to make huge decisions until you are near the end of it.

As for the children, they would want a happy Mother. Don't stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the children. Children can sense when things are not right.

Hugs to you.

Rap,

I feel for you and your struggle... it's not easy for sure.

Have you thought about that perhaps-- you're just not good in a relationship that demeans and invalidates you? It's amazing how just a small bit of a sense that one is valued by another can nourish a starving relationship.
I believe that-- to begin with though-- one must first see the value in themself....... in order to accept that others value them.
I bet if you really thought about it.... you could think of many things that you do to keep the house/family running-- like you have a job, you cook, you shop, you clean, you do laundry, you assist your children when they need assistance. LOOK at all those things!!! Please give yourself credit for all you do! Try not to measure your accomplishments by someone elses standards-- if your work is sufficient to you-- then that's good enough.
OK-- I'll get off my soapbox!! Just would love you to see how valuable you truly are!

My condolences to you and your family in regards to your grandmother. If you feel that it would be best to go without your husband then I say go. I went to a sister's funeral alone(out of state)--- it was a good decision for me. I also have a hard time getting close to others and was feeling too vulnerable..... it worked out to the best for me, but also, my husband was understanding about it which helped a lot. Maybe you could tell him --- this is something you wish to do alone and anyway.... the kids need him at home with them.
---- IDK--- just an idea.

I wish you inner peace and value.

mandy

[Rapunzel]

I've been in therapy for years off and on. A year and a half with current T, and I still have a long way to go.

When I got married, I was the damsel in distress, and he was the knight in shining armour who came along and rescued me. But I should have worked my own way through my problems, and not just run away from them like I did. All I do is run away and avoid.

I don't know that it's the relationship that is unhappy. Maybe it's all me. I complain too much. He's been confronting me about stuff that I have told people starting to get back to him, and speculation he hears about me pulling away and why. I probably ought to keep my mouth shut and just deal with it silently. But that's what my family of origin expected me to do. They said it was just me, and I had nothing to complain about, and I was just selfish. He's telling me I shouldn't be so self-centered now. I ought to pay more attention to him and understand him and support him like he does me.

I found someone to watch the girls, so he's coming with me to California, and we'll bring our son who is 8. I hope he doesn't lecture and grill me and question me all the way to California and back. I didn't really want to have to do all the driving myself, but I don't know if this will be better or not. I don't know how long he would have sulked if I had not done it this way. He says I never spend any time with him. There might be a reason for that. I don't like spending time with him much. But he doesn't want to hear that, and I guess I should like to spend time with him.

I'll check in when I can. I really do appreciate all of your support and advice and understanding.

Thanks,
Rap

[Rhapsody]

I am posting this LINK in hopes that it might help YOU as it did ME.... my marriage is better.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

LINK: http://4-womenonly.com/index_flash.aspx

Awesome!! website and book for understanding your MAN.... the book for him to understand his WOMAN is coming out in May of this year - 2006.

[EJ711]

Hi Rap -

I just scanned your post. I have printed it off and will read it more carefully later.

Marriage is a commitment, and not about being in love. My husband and I have been married 33 years. He has difficulty being close. Fortunately, God has given me the capacity to understand this. He is my dearest friend, and we have had ebbs and flows in our relationship. I am glad I did not leave during one of the difficult times, because I have seen him grow in ways I wouldn't have imagined.

Maybe you can just tell him about having difficulty being close.

Hugs,

EJ

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((Rap))))))))))))))))))

[wisewoman]

I am thinking about you.

[Lexicon78]

(((((Rapunzel)))))

You sound so much like me.

[Rapunzel]

((((((((((All of you)))))))))))

Thanks so much for the support, and website, and ideas, etc. We're back, and it doesn't seem quite so bad now. I still don't know what I want to do, but I hope that we can find a way to work things out without breaking up the family. I need to find a way to get the space that I need so that I can become whoever I am supposed to be, and learn to like myself and to have self-confidence. I don't know if I can do that in this relationship. I was hoping that going away to school for a while would give that to me, but I have now gotten rejection notices from all of the doctoral programs that I applied to.

The trip was okay. It was uncomfortable on the drive there and back when he was asking me for answers that I don't have yet, and won't accept "I don't know." I really wanted him to let me zone out. Once we got there I went with my mother and visited with other relatives, while he mostly hung out with my brother, and that was fine.

He read an article about verbal abuse in a magazine at my parents' house, and seemed to recognize himself in it. The article is online too, but I'm not sure if I can link to it. Stop Using Words That Hurt If you want to read the article, you might have to click on Ensign and March 2006 and then the name of the article, above. Anyway, he was kind-of mad at the article for suggesting that he is abusive, but on the drive home our son wet his pants, and hubby started yelling at him about that (I guess he doesn't actually raise his voice, but I still consider it yelling because that's what it feels like and he just goes on and on), and he had just been talking about that article, and he did catch himself. When he quieted down, I went to sleep because I couldn't deal with any more.

A pipe broke at our house while we were gone (outside, fortunately, so it was the yard that flooded, not the house itself), so they shut off the water. We got home late Sunday night to no water, and hubby had to stay home and deal with the plumber Monday, while I went to work.

This morning (Tuesday, right?) I was sick, but by afternoon I figured I would be okay as long as I didn't eat anything, so I went to work in the afternoon. I'm sipping on ginger tea now. I hope it helps. I can't afford to miss more work - I don't get vacation time, sick leave, etc., and I'm as behind there as I am around here now.

In the relationship situation, hubby feels more like another controlling parent, and I'm ready to grow up and break free again (and this time not jump into another dependent relationship), but the problem is when you are a child you are supposed to grow up and leave home and establish independence, but that isn't what is supposed to happen with a marriage. I guess I'm still confused, but it's my own fault and I can't go back and do it over. I don't want to hurt him and the kids. He's a good person, and he's very sensitive and easily hurt. In fact, I'm afraid of what he might do if I stopped pretending and telling him as close to what he wants to hear as I can. But stringing him along isn't fair either.

Rap