Cheating and rebuilding trust

About a year ago I cheated on my boyfriend multiple times. We've discussed it at length, and he knows that it's the thing that I regret most in lfe, as I believe that kindness and consideration of others are two of the most important qualities to sustain.

There's no excuse for this, but there were circumstance that contributed to it: developing bipolar, bulimia, and ADHD simultaneously three months prior to the first incident; remaining undiagnosed and improperly treated for all three; excessive drinking on his part; and a weak/dependent connection between the two of us. Every time I was trying to get out of the relationship, and he kept hanging around....I felt trapped, but that's still not an excuse.

The only consolation that I can offer him now is that I wasn't myself then. Long time friends were very concerned, as I had completely lost the personality that they were used to. I'm completely recovered now -- doing intensive therapy, being very proactive in finding medication and lifestyle changes, and don't get that whirling sensation of mania that made me feel unable to control my compulsions.

We'd been broken up off and on until recently, and as we got to know each other better (and both got healthier) we can't keep away from each other, or get enough of each other... and for the past six months time I've not felt trapped, resentful, or helpless in our relationship.

So, finally to my question: has anyone experienced cheating, and what are strategies for rebuilding trust. He's in Europe right now, and while I KNOW I'd never hurt him again (nor do I have any interest in other guys) it's extremely hard for him to trust me. We might try couples counseling. Any advice?

<font color="purple">I was the one in my marriage that cheated..... My husband and I have worked through that and now yrs later we have the best marriage ever! It was a long hard journey to get to where we are now though, took yrs of working together with the key element being open honest communication. In the beginning of the regaining his trust I was subjected to constant check up calls at work, friends houses, etc... Time limits to outings even shopping, constantly have to recap my whereabouts and who i was with and third degree grilling.... altho very frustarting for me and even angering me, I had to see it from his point of view as well.... The anger also came from the fact that he still at that point had good reason not to trust me b/c I was still involved with infidelity behaviors.... My husbands persistent love and not giving up on us attitude is what held us together until I finally came out of my selfishness. I did not make it easy at all, but once I surrendered my ways and my thinking and got the help I needed for some of the underlying factors, I will not say reasons b/c nothing justifies this behavior in my eyes at all, I made the choices and knew they were wrong and still did it anyway..... Mya dvice, open communication and ask your b/f what it is that you can do to help to regain his trust, you will need to have patience with him while he works thru this and it most likely will take many months even yrs to get to that point. Here are a few great links:
Surviving Infidelity
Healing from infidelity
Rebuilding Trust

Good luck and feel free to PM me anytime... </font>

Dear Adeline,

Coming from the side of the one that was hurt and had her TRUST broken by another (many times over)..... I want to say that while the trust can be rebuilt with patients & time - some of the trust will NEVER be the same again, NEVER at 100%, before the innocence of LOVE & FAITH was taken away.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Thank you very much for the links Melinda, they've been really eye opening. Also, it really helps to get the perspective of another woman-cheater, since alot of the material out there is only directed at men who have cheated.

I've been cheated on in the past (by someone else); and I got a small taste of what he went through when he had sex with another girl one of the times when we were "broken up," but still living together. I didn't feel that he'd broken my trust, but I did feel betrayed emotionally, and I'm terrified of running into her. I can hardly put into words the feeling that I get when I see her or think about her, it's just an incredibly strong emotional wrenching.

Which helps me begin to understand how he's feeling, and what I can do to help. I'll definitely ask him if there are any ways that I can give him the rights to my privacy, or if there's anything else I can do.

Thanks for the advice!

Jessie

I have posted about this problem, how i messed up,acting out in this way is a symptom of my mania. No matter how much I love my husband or how good he is because believe me he is one of the last few good ones, when I am stugling with this cycle, like now I miss the other guy,Think of calling him,How crazy is that! thank you for bringing it up because I would not have admitted it here again that I am still having these problems. knowing I am not alone makes me feel less like slime. I need advice.Thank you Adeline for being strong , and opening up this topic. I was to ashamed!!!

I'm really glad that this post could be helpful for you too! I think one of the hardest parts of bipolar is knowing that you're hurting others, but not always being able to stop yourself in the midst of a manic episode....you just feel like a tornado, ripping up your own life and others.

It's hard to keep an understanding of the bipolar partner's illness in infidelity, while also not using it as an excuse. Mental disorders in general are often thought of (by the general public) as a weakness of will, as in "if she'd just try harder she wouldn't be so_____ (depressed, anxious, paranoid, etc)". I think that being proactive in making yourself healthier (meds, therapy) is a good step in asking for forgiveness from your partner.