[wallysan]

I've been married for almost 2 years to the most wonderful woman in the world. Before I met her, I was married to my high school sweetheart. She ended up cheating on me (had an 18 month long affair). I took her back and we tried to work it out, but she decided (3 years after the affair) that she wanted a divorce. Here is my dilemma...I have these major insecurities that I fight constantly. I keep thinking that she is going to leave me, or that I'm going to do something to push her away and then she will leave me, or that she will find another man and leave me. I know these are all unfounded as she has never once ever lied or hidden anything from me. As a matter of fact, it is I who lied to her because I didn't want her to be disappointed in me and leave me. I can usually control these, but sometimes these thoughts catch me off guard and I loose control and say something that hurts her. I HATE MYSELF WHEN THAT HAPPENS. She is not a judgemental person, so I know that I can tell her anything. I just want to live my life without these stupid, unfounded...and sometimes irrational fears....before I do something and push her away forever. Any input would be greatly welcome.

[(JD)]

Welcome to psych central Wallysan!!

The first best thing to do, imo, is to apologize and ask her to help you remember not to do it again.

I think you identified the basis for these fears/insecurities. They are a long time pattern of feeling, thinking? Perhaps you have more anxiety than you realize, and only "see" it coming out through this relationship?

Could you consider finding a therapist to help you work through issues? If the T thinks you both could use couple therapy, will your spouse agree? I think that would also help you to figure out if you need medication temporarily to help manage the feelings.

I think it's great that you are trying to better yourself and your relationships. Again, welcome. Come back and post often! TC

[Rhapsody]

Dear Wallysan,

WELCOME.....

1st - Does your wife know of how you were once hurt by another female? - if not I would strongly suggest that you let her in on the SECRET (and not just the story, but it made / makes you feel). People can better handle any given situation if they know where the other person is coming from..... their side of the fence.

2nd - I want to assure you that you are reacting normal to the internal hurt you have suffered and this is why you are now repeating the cycle.... you need to resolve the old wounds created by your ex-wife you will always mistrust your present wife.

My basic belief system is based upon a good book I have & recommand called: "Feeling Buried Alive Never Die" - that which is left in you (in your heart or mind) will control you if it is left on its own.... you must face, deal with and then bury the past so it does not control your present.

3rd - Apologize to this wonder woman you have been blessed to have and to hold.... learn to control your feelings and to realize that feelings are just that (feelings) and they are not always the TRUTH in the matter, never the reality at hand.... you must control your irrational feelings (based on past wounds) or they will destroy her love for you.

When ones thinking (the mind) and one feelings (the heart) is on different wave lengths (or) different levels - the feeling will always win out.... rather it is right or wrong.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[wallysan]

Thank you both so very much. What you both say makes total sense. I have apologized many times...as my fears have already hurt our relationship (to a certain extent). Yes, she does know about my past, and has helped me to confront some of the unresolved issues that I had with it. Rapsody...you are soo correct. I've ID'd these feelings, I know where they come from...but I have not totally "buried" them yet. I need to put them in behind me.....and let them alone. I know that my wife is the most wonderful peson in the world and she would do anything for me. She wants to be my best friend, and I want to be hers...but when my fears take control....I hurt her...and then she pulls away (which I don't blame her for doing it). It is a very vicious cycle that I'm ready to break. We have talked about my insecurities and she does understand...but it still hurts her when I lash out. She doesn't deserve to be judged on what someone else has done to me....and I want to fix this.

Thanks to you both!!!!

[Rhapsody]

P.S.

Please keep this in mind..... at all times.

> > > a MAN needs to feel RESPECTED to feel loved - - -
> > > > > > > > a WOMAN needs to feel CHERISHED to feel loved - - -

And.... When a man feels disrespected he will act unloving.... When a woman feels unloved she will act disrespectful.

Hence the often unhealthy & destructive behavior to each other - someone has to take the lead and STOP the INSANITY!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

LINK: http://loveandrespect.com/ (check out this book called: LOVE & RESPECT)
I love this book.................... and it has greatly helped in my own marriage and in teaching me how to STOP the CRAZY CYCLE, the INSANITY!

[Lexicon78]

It makes complete sense to me that you have these irrational fears. To you, they may seem quite rational. I have this same problem. For me, just about every guy who I've been with has cheated on me and so it's only natural that I think they will cheat, ya know?

But I have found someone (finally) who isn't like that and who I can trust.

I think that if you let your wife know the type of struggle you are having and why may open the door to both of you working through this together. That way you won't feel so alone.

Hang in there.

[heartspace]

With what happened in your first marriage it's no wonder you're filed with doubt. I'd talk with your wife and explain the past, what happened, how it has made you insecure, and that you have acted out as a result, but that you feel bad about it, and don't want to keep doing that.
My husband used to feel very insecure about our relationship. He's worked on that, with my support and our relationship is now not only very strong, but very, very secure. Once I realised that some of his behaviour was based on insecurity and not malice I was able to support him through the process of allowing himself to relax in our relationship and have faith in it.
By comoing here and reaching out for advice I think you're on the right track. I wish you and your wife the very best of luck and a very happy future.

[desirae]

Wally,

Welcome welcome welcome, and I hope you return.

I don't know much about this from a marriage perspective, but I do know this from a boyfriend/girlfriend perspective.....(before my now husband).

I was once with this guy, he wasn't the greatest guy, but we got along for the most part. Well one day I brought my little sister with me to his house, I was then called into work and had to leave my sister there with my boyfriend.

Well when I returned they were gone, and they did not come back till two days later.

It was very very tough, not only did my man cheat on me...(which is easy to get over with time), but my sister betrayed me, (which still to this day hurts me).

Of course he begged for me back and I told him to stick it up his........you know. So that never became an issue.

Now back to you, I know this sounds really judgemental, and maybe offensive..(hopefully not), but my best friend once told me....once a cheater always a cheater.....and she's absolutely right. If they can betray your trust the first time, they can do it again and again.

I understand that you probably love your wife to death, she sounds like a decent person, and you really love her, but why should you hang on to her for dear life? She's the one that did the wrong before, she should hang on to you for dear life, hoping you will forgive and forget.

Relationships are so complex and difficult, and just like with individual people, there are individual cases. So I cannot judge you or your wife. But all I know from my perspective is, if it were me, I would lose the fear and allow her to venture out with regained trust, and if she decides she wants to stay, then she will stay, if she wants to go.....then she will go and there will be no falsehoods in the marriage.

I really hope it works out for you and your wife. I think fighting for love is great, and I respect it 100%. But don't fight when the other isn't. You see what I am saying?

Please let us know how everything has gone.

Oh, and Good Luck, and welcome to P.C, there are great and understanding people here.

[desirae]

Wally,

Now that I look twice I realize your talking about two seperate woman........lol.......I'm sorry.

I hear what you mean, it's hard to trust another when you've been hurt before....exactly.

It takes time to gain complete trust, but since she's such a great person I'm sure you will do well.

Thanks for posting, and I hope you can get some kind of benefit from what I said before, although it does not make sense....lol.....happens to the best of us.