My Roommate taking away my friends

I don't know how to feel. I have a bunch of friends I used to hang out with a lot at one post-secondary. Within the last two years, I went through a lot of changes in my life. Starting September 2010 to January 2011, I switched to another school and went through a big crashing in all aspects of my life.

January 2011 to December 2011, I took a leave from school and used that year to try to regain myself. Trying to take one day at a time.

Now, from January 2012 to today, I have returned back to school and I find I'm still struggling but things are more tolerable now.

I found out that my room mate is hanging out with my friends at my original first post-secondary online every now ever since I introduced her to them on Steam in October of last year.

She jokes around with them, plays games with them online and everything.

When she retells me the events that happened between her and the gang, it makes me feel really jealous, angry and then just... depressed.

They don't talk to me often anymore. I tried to talk to them online but most of the time they just don't respond. When she talks to them, they respond immediately with excitement and news about their life.

They talk for hours and hours on end. It makes me feel really bad and stupid and lame. All rolled into a big fat ****ing blob.

I usually don't have time because of school (full-time), projects, my part-time jobs, appointments I have with my family and for those times I feel super depressed or suicidal.

My room mate doesn't have a job and doesn't go to school. She's been unemployed since last year in June. Her parents is our landlord so she's pretty stocked in the rent/food department.

I tried setting up days to hang out with them. Last spring break, I tried making a hang out day but it was too last moment and I was booked more shifts from both jobs I have. Last winter break, I made a hang out day for everyone too but I got pneumonia so everyone went but me.

I want to have friends. I feel like at the school I am now, it's hard to make friends because everyone is so competitive and that within itself overwhelms me.

I just don't know what to do. How to feel. It's like, no matter how hard I try... I won't be enough.

Sounds like they are not REAL friends then. I hope you can make some new friends, ones that actually appreciate you for who you are. Don't stress about it because it is out of your control how people behave and you should not have to chase anybody either.

Good grief --- with school and TWO part-time jobs, I don't know how you find time to SLEEP! Like Scotty said, those "friends" weren't real friends to begin with. Real friends wouldn't just dump you like that. Friends stay in contact no matter what! I have a friend that I've known since I was 4 years old (I'm 62 now ) and even tho she lives in S. Carolina and I'm in Michigan, we're in contact ALL the time! And we've BEEN in contact all these years, thru all kinds of crises, i.e. deaths, divorces, etc. So real friends don't leave you and jump over to your room-mate.

With your schedule, it might be hard, but find some new friends -- maybe someone you work with or go to school with. Meet some of THEIR friends too. Or you can meet people in the library at school, or other places on campus. It might take time, but it's worth it.

Best of luck & God bless. You're probably better off without those other people. Take care. Hugs, Lee

But... I don't want to outgrow my old friends from my first post-secondary. I didn't meat them online, I met them on campus. I really love them! We had such a great time together all term and stuff. Now I just struggle... I don't know. Ahhhh.... making friends in the post-sec I am at now is kinda hard cause it feels like everyone is competing against each other to me and I don't do well under that kind of pressure. I guess I should learn how though. Aaaaaah....

We had a career day thing lately and professionals from our field we're studying started talking about us as soon future grads and workers. I can't see myself in the future. I can see myself sleeping. Or dead.

Do you think my friends stop talking to me because I've been depressed for so long?

Wow, you are a very busy person. Hmmm, friends, well, when you are younger in the type of atmosphere you are in now, friends require a lot of maintenance. And when you discribe your room mate? Well she doesn't work and go to school so it sounds like what she DOES do is pay attention to these so called friends. And what your room mate is REALLY doing is spending probably MOST of her time messaging the egos of others and that in turn gives her an activity as well as feed her own ego.
However this can be a nowhere path because this roomate cannot live off of friends and that is not going to give her a career either. And ColourBars, believe me, if this room mate is ever in a position where she CANT message the egos of others, and really NEEDS these friends? Well, you already KNOW what happens then right?
Leed is right, THESE ARE NOT "REAL" FRIENDS.

You know who your best friend is right now? YOU. And do you know why? Because YOU have been taking time out for YOU and you are also educating YOU and you are learning how to be responsible for YOU. And the roomate? She is dependant on everyone else, her father and her friends for HER well being, very dangerous road. Your roomate is in for a big awakening down the road. And YOU are actually learning HOW to SURVIVE all by yourself and that is very healthy.

And as far as the place you are now and how it seems like everyone is competing with each other? It is pretty much the age and maturity level and big need for EGO MESSAGING. But, I am sure that NOT ALL the students are like that AND always remember, NOT QUANTITY BUT "QUALITY". Because truth be told? Most people are lucky to have just a few people in their lives that they can say are GOOD QUALITY FRIENDS, just as Leed talks about her long distance friend that she has known for a very long time. And I am sure if you ask her, she would not trade this one good friend for a group of friends that she has to work hard to message their egos and they will never really care or know her like this one good friend. "QUALITY", not quantity.

But first you have to be a good friend to yourself and find your way for a while and sometimes, yes that can be a bit lonely at times. But as you find your way more and more the QUAILTY people that you can TRUELY CALL FRIENDS WILL COME. And you wont be boring because you will know you more, you will be educated and truely independant.

Now I am not saying that friends are not important, but when you work on you at this time in your life, you don't have time to do the ego messaging thing. You have to just give it time and I think you are doing a good job working on you, I am impressed at how hard you work at going to school and working two jobs, that is like money in the bank for you or a worth while investment. But you have to be patient and give yourself a chance to maybe see if there is someone else around like you that you may not have to message so much and that person will understand because that person is working hard too. "QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY"

(((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

Thanks for taking the time to talk to me and stuff. ^_^

I'm not sure if I'm my own best friend. I kinda just... I don't know. I really hate myself not being "happy" with what I have, I guess. Like the career day, professional panel board talk that happened last day. They were talking about the future and everyone around me looks so confident.

Whenever people ask me the question, where do you see yourself 10 years from now? I kinda just freeze up and think of suicide. Eek... Then I blurb out this stupid, not really literate answer and I think I make a really bad impression.

It's really stressful for me because I'm just so demotivated from school... I don't think I'm really going anywhere with my two jobs (in terms of advancement).

• When I go to school, I feel demotivated about my career choice. I feel like I'm not good enough.
• When I go to work. Once is an entry level job and the other is a job related in the field I want to go in but I don't think I'm "going" anywhere.
• When I go home, I just see my roommate laughing and playing with my friends online. I start to feel envious.

Wherever I go, I just feel so... demotivated. You know? Oh wellz. It's a journey, like you say. But sometimes, I have a hard time convincing myself that life's worth living. It's.... kinda .... demotivating.

((((ColourBars)))),

I don't like that question "where do you think you will be in 10 years" because none of us can truely know that and it can for some present anxiety and even a sense of loss it they don't have a confident answer. Personally I could have never truely predicted how my life did place me. I found that while there were things I wanted to learn and try and I did want some things as well, I ended up doing things that were very interesting that I never thought I would be doing.

Do you still like the field you picked? Do you mind my asking what that field is?

Have you worked with a therapist to see what may be behind these feelings that you may not realize?

Just Thinking here.
Open Eyes

I'm not very comfortable telling what field I'm in specifically, just for identification's sake. However, the not-knowing-the-future part.... I'm not sure if it's entirely "the unknown".

It's just the... I guess cheesy, "Believe in yourself" stuff. I don't think I'm skilled enough, or ever will be, in anything. I guess it's the "some people are just born better than others" kinda mindset driven into my head.

I'm trying not to think like that, it helps that I'm not in my family home environment anymore since that's all that's ever talked about.

I wouuuld ask my T but I have so much trouble bring stuff up. When I see him face to face, I go blank. I kinda go into this auto-mode where I have to "please" people and not burden others with my stuff. I've told people in the past about myself and it totally backfired in a lot of different ways.

• Quite a few said that what I go through is nothing and that others/or themselves go through a lot worse on a daily basis.
• Others tell me what's wrong with my world and dissect it down (kinda like dissecting a live frog... LIVE.)
• Most people kinda just do this, "Oh, well that's bad..." kinda pity thing.

Ever since those experiences I just don't like talking to people face to face about things because I'm afraid they'll just judge me and stuff. Pin me down. Over the screen, over the net, you can't put a face behind the words.

I think I'm pretty much the most boring person in the world. I don't have much to contribute.

My family says that there are always people who are meant to die and not exist, they are just a waste of space and time of the rest of humanity. I wonder if I have anything else to offer anymore? If not, then I guess I fit into that category.

Wow ColourBars, it sounds to me like you have not really been validated as a person and this goes way back. And what your family expresses about people who are meant to die and not exist, well, that is an awful way to think or discuss with a child as well.
That is something a person I knew to be a narcissist would say because after all they are godly and should be simply adored by all somehow.

ColourBars, this therapist that you are seeing is there to HELP you, not to JUDGE YOU. And you are doing yourself a great dis-service by not allowing your therapist to know you so he/she can help you. You are paying this person to do this, it is their job and their choice to do this in their life as well.

If you struggle to say it out in therapy, then you should make a copy of your posts here that discusses your core issues and allow your therapist to just read them so you can get to work on this instead of continuing to work on invalidating yourself.

Please, you have to find the courage to open up somewhere, and if you can do it here, that is good start and any of the people that have come to post to you would all agree that you DO deserve to get the help you need.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

"validated as a person"... O_O what does that mean?

(((ColourBars))))

Well from your post and the way you invalidate your own self worth, what that often means is you were not really taught to put value in yourself. So that means to me, that you were often invalidated and learned to do that to yourself.

I am not important enough, my problems are not as important as the problems of others, I don't think I have a future, I don't see me being successful and happy in the future, some people are just born better than others.

What you should be saying is; I deserve to be important, I have the right to discuss my problems and find ways to work on them, Though none of us can determine our futher I would like to try this and that and maybe this too, I wan't to give myself a chance and have a future doing something productive and figuring out where I might fit in best, while some people quickly see what they are born to do, others have to just get out there and try different things to see what they ARE born to do. Because after all everyone has the ability to be good at something, and I plan on figuring out what that special something is in me.

And that is what I teach children, work on myself too and taught my daughter to do as well. Not all parents do that and what can happen is what YOU SAY about yourself, you do derserve to think better about yourself.

Think of it this way, if you had a little daughter what would you say to her that would encourage her to keep trying, even if she fails at something? Would you tell her all the things you tell yourself? Would you tell her some people should not live because they just don't have it or are worthless? If she doesn't have friends will you tell her she is never going to have friends isn't worthy of friends?

Just some thoughts

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

EHhhhhh..... but I don't think I'm thaaaaaaaat important. I mean, technically, I am a random person on the street. But that scenario kinda reminds me of my younger sister. She has mental and physical disabilities which limit her and she might be a perpetual child forever as she grows on to adulthood. She always feels so self-conscious and pressured from my parents to be "normal" or a "superstar" and that takes a big toll on her.

I usually tell her what I wished my parents old us when growing up. Like, "It's okay, there's always a next time." "At least we tried something new." "That wasn't so bad!" She's in high school right now and of course, right now it's a big part of her life. I try to take her out every month and get her stuff but I know it's not enough to support her like how real parents should. Not yelling at her all the time and calling her retarded.

Eh... we'll... my older sister and I are trying taking care of her. I'm managing her school psychological assessment meeting with her and my family. But.... eh. We'll see.

Thanks a bunch. You've been super supportive, helpful and given me another "pair of eyes" to see with.

ColourBars,

Ok, what you are doing with your sister who struggles? That is wonderful. And though she doesn't get that from your parents who just want her to be normal? Well, you are the important voice that gives her permission to try and she does know you love her.

ColourBars, I spent years teaching children how to ride. And there were children that had NO self esteem, much like you to be honest. And when they were with me? Well, I showed them to TRY and have FAITH in themselves. And I paid attention to each of them and validated them every single time they came. I designed special lessons for each one of them and they didn't really know what I was doing either. And each and every one of them always left me feeling better about themselves.

Now I could not change their parents ColourBars. All I could do is give them a mentor, someone who believed in them and made them feel special, important, capable and rewarded for every little thing they achieved too. And I also made it a point to talk to their parents and constantly say how nice their child was, how hard they tried and how well they were doing. So what I did is plant a seed in the parents to look for the VALUE in each of their children. Sadly, many parents do NOT know how to do this. Usually a parent would bring their child to me and talk about all the childs imperfections and charector flaws. And as I worked with these children it became more and more obvious that their flaws were from their parents. Because with me they were allowed to BECOME whatever they had that was special. AND THEY ALL HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL.

So, if you take what you feel now and remember how it feels, you can provide others with a mentor that helps them have permission to not say all the negetive things you recite. And that is an important JOB, ACTIVITY. Because each person you touch gets permission to, no matter how many people are in the world, be whoever they can be, because everyone can be something.

No, you cannot change your parents, but your sister has you to give her something special, and it only takes one mentor who cares.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

Toooo much thiiinking.... eeeeeh.....

Thanks OpenEyes for your responses. I realize you put a lot of energy and effort into them. Thanks a lot.

What do you do, by the way? Like, your job that you were talking about?

I have been a horse trainer for many years and I taught children how to ride for almost 20 years. So believe me, I have been around many children that "didn't think they could" in a lot of ways. And they ALL DID great! They just had to get over that hurdle of thinking they were not worthy enough somehow.

Open Eyes