Is it OK for a 45 year old man to date a 20-year-old woman?

I just wanna throw this out there. There was a show called Weeds that aired in 2008 or so, and in it, Julie Bowen(the actress who plays Claire in Modern Family) plays a 40 year old woman who has a sexual relationship with a 17 year old guy. The relationship is portrayed as him seducing her and they both enjoy it. You would NEVER see a show portraying a sexual relationship between a 40 year old guy and a 17 year old girl where the girl is not the the portrayed as being the victim. If there was, the network would probably be forced to cancel the show. It should be clear as day to everyone that there is a double standard deeply ingrained in our society and for this reason, we have to step back and reexamine our attitudes about this subject. For example, people who think that a 22 year old guy deserves to go to jail for 10 years for having erotic text conversations with a 16 year old should REALLY think about why they feel that way.

It's not what I was trying to say. I am impartial when it comes to gender, "asshole" has no gender. Working with DV victims for years, I certainly see abuse being inflicted on partners of another age or of the same age as the perpetrator as well as on male victims by female perpetrators. Abuse is rooted in a sense of entitlement and desire to control and subject which has no age or gender limits.

By the way I did not answer the poll. My late grandma married a man older than her parents. To my amazement she shared some details with me, although she was hard to open up. She told me how disappointed she was that he could not keep up with her.

I can see how a young women whose interests and personality are very mature for her age might find older guys more attractive as a partner than younger men. However, I personally wouldn't be involved in a relationship like this. I'd worried that by the time I'm 35, he might be too aged to do many of things I'd like or at least at the pace I'd like to. Also, I'd be afraid of conflict because of my lack of experience of aging and its health issues, or that a partner would be jealous of my youthfulness. Also, I wouldn't like the fact that they had many more years of life experience than myself. It would feel like it could be used against me. For example, when I was a teenager, I was much more mature than others my age and was interested in topics that had greater depth than the norm of my age. I thought I was as mature as an adult. However, once I reached adulthood, I see my teenage self as a little girl compared to the experience I have now. I feel that even in my own confidence in my maturity and wisdom, by the time I'm 30 I'll probably not see my current wisdom or maturity as anything special. So, it does make me worried about experience gaps between myself and an older person.

legally yes, but ideally usually not only because a 20 year old will usually be too immature for a male 45 or over. I am 59, personally I feel like a perv if I check out any girl that looks under 24. The youngest I would feel comfortable with at my age is 25. I think maturity and personality is actually more relevant but of course age does play a role in that too.

that you feel like a perv does not make you a perv

OK, I admit that I voted "no" and am (somewhat surprisingly) in the minority here. I guess a "yes" would be specific to the fact that it is legal. I also had a few personal experiences from an earlier time that give me this perspective. When I was in my mid 30's, I dated a woman 13 years my junior. I was focused on getting my life together, completing my education and starting a new career. She was still trying to figure her life out, dealing with conflicts with her parents (separation-individuation issues), exploring her sexuality and uncertain about whether or not she even wanted to be in a LTR. It was exciting at first, but ultimately unsatisfying and the age difference played a major role in the break up. A few years late, pushing 40, I did the same thing again (different woman this time) and had similar, painful results, as we still had to interact with each other for periods of time due to her being in the same academic program as me and her wanting to date other men in the program. These are isolated incidents, but the issues that kept the relationships from working out long term were similar and age related.

I think a "yes" would be due to "why are you even asking the question? why would it NOT be OK?" and not just to the fact that it is legal .

I would say the same thing about women in relationships with younger guys though.

My Wife is older than me and I always preferred older women over younger women like my sister’s friends but she is nowhere near being old enough to be my Mother and while it is legal I just think when you are talking a 25 year difference it is creepy.

Just think, when he got his first job she wouldn’t have even been born. Ewww!!

And what? She would not have even been born. He would not have even been born. But so what? Why ewww? What makes you go ewww, if you can describe it?

I mean - people have idiosyncratic reactions. I detest and am even afraid of snakes, so EWWW. But it does not make snakes bad. I realize intellectually that snakes are a part of our ecosystem and respect their place in it, but idiosyncratically, it is EWWW for me. They are slimy. They... they.. creepy. And can be poisonous, too. I am so glad I live in a place without snakes.

So that is idiosyncratic, and that is fairly common. My mother was even more afraid of and disgusted by snakes. It is not rare. If somebody were disgusted by fluffy kittens, that would be unusual, but being disgusted by snakes is not unusual, so I am normal in the statistical sense. But still, it does not make snakes bad - that I am not alone in feeling this kind of disgust at the sight of a snake does not make snakes bad.

Actually, most people in their early-mid 20s are also completing their education and starting their career. And don't you know that there are tons of people in their 30s who are still looking to figure their life out, explore their sexuality and are unsure if they want to be a in a LTR?

I'm going to be 27 in a few months and I am still figuring out what I want to do careerwise. I will likely be in the position where I will be taking classes with 20 year olds when I am 30. While I can't say for sure, I kinda feel like the younger college aged girls are a better match for me than girls my own age. From what I can see, most girls over 25ish are done enjoying the casual dating scene and are looking for something serious. I have literally had no dating experiences yet and am mostly looking to play the field. Doesn't it make sense for me to be dating younger women who are in this same phase?

Sure if an older guy was looking for a committed long term relationship, perhaps a relationship with younger woman will be less likely to work out, but who ever said older guys are always looking for committed relationships? Lots of guys over 30 are still looking to play the field. A lot of them are probably "late bloomers" like me who missed out when they were younger. Others are just not ready yet. Either way, why should they not date younger women who are looking for the same thing? Should they instead date women their own age who are looking for marriage?

Of course, the taboo against men dating younger women actually has nothing to do with whether or not the relationships work out. This is evidenced by the fact that even when a 30 year old guy merely LOOKS at a college aged girl, people start calling him a perv and a creep. It is the same bigotry that existed towards homosexuality; people are just brainwashed to think this way and there is no logic behind it.

You say you are surprised that you are in the minority? Well then take a look at the other poll I started about whether it's ok for a 45 year old WOMAN to date a 20 year old GUY. In that poll, 80% say yes, whereas in this one it is merely 58%. The only thing that should "surprise" anyone is the blatantly obvious double standard.

The difference between this and homosexuality is that compared to the 19th century, homosexuality is much more accepted now. Compared to, say, Ancient Greece, maybe it is less accepted, I do not have enough subject matter knowledge, but compared to the 19th century, we clearly accept homosexuality much more. But at the same time, marriages of older men to younger women were completely normal during the 19th century, but not anymore.

This is gross, selfish, it's border-line abusive and it's not right -- says me, a near 50yo man. I usually don't judge so harshly, blame it on a paternal compass.

So tell me Larry, would you be saying the same thing if it was a 45 year old woman dating a 20 year old guy? And if so, would you say it because you actually meant it, or just to not appear sexist?

Can someone please explain to me how going on a date with someone can be "abusive"?

Who has the right to judge you for what you do? As long as you are consenting adults, not breaking any laws and have each others best interests at heart, who is anyone to judge?

Also, you people say 45 is too old to be dating 20 year olds. Well what if the guy was 35? 30? 25? At what age does a guy magically become "too old"? And what if the girl was 23? 25? 30? What does a girl become "old enough" for these "older guys" to be dating? Please enlighten me.

What makes me go ewww? Well for one thing my Wife thinks it is creepy because they look like they are Father and daughter and I tend to agree with her because that is what most people I know would assume if they saw a woman going out with a much older bloke and vice versa. What makes it worse is when the relationship is between a woman’s childhood best friend and her Father and I saw that first hand when my Wife’s best friend dated her Father before he passed away and strange doesn’t begin to describe that relationship and how it affected my Wife. She was already used to him sleeping with women younger than her not to mention his drunken antics where she had to pick him up at 3 or 4 am after he had passed out naked but dating her best friend was what crossed the line for her.

My Father In Law was basically like a second Dad to my Wife’s best friend and he knew her when she was a little girl and even though they weren’t blood related it was kind of like some weird incestuous relationship you only hear about happening in Boganville. When I see relationships between a young woman and a much older man I am instantly reminded of that now and while not all of them are like that it still looks wrong and unusual to me.

The 45yo prob has kids, surely has baggage, and more than likely the beginning stages of arthritis. I don't think it's right to burden a young 20yo child with ALL the middle age crap that comes by default. The 20yo has a whole life-time ahead of him/her..... To me, it's like using power and position to gain the upper hand on a inexperienced or infatuated person.

I do believe however, once both parties are OVER 40, for example, a relationship in which the man is 60 and the woman is 40 or vice-a-versa... is perfectly ok. -- no innocence loss.

@ the OP: If you're both okay with it. Why not?

Only you know depending on your beliefs

No one can make that choice for you....

What? We're talking 45 not 95. You make it seem like someone's who's 45 is ancient. There's a lot of 45 year olds who take care of themselves better then people half their age.

Nobody is burdening anyone anyway. The 20 year old is an adult and can make their own decision. And from a man's perspective, men like Younger women because they're of a younger age to make children. So it's natural for a man to find women in their 20's attractive, even if he's in his 50's or 60's.

I think it depends on the couple. I think more than the age difference, the social circles, maturity levels and interest say more about compatibility than age.

So you are basing it all on false assumptions.

1. No, not every 45 year old has children. It is pretty common these days for people to choose not to have children. But many people in their 20s have children too. Are you suggesting that it is wrong for these people to date childless people their own age?

2. Many people have "baggage" by the time they are in their 20s and it is entirely possible that the 20 year old has more than the 45 year old. Not every older person is more experienced than younger people. I am 26 and my 18 year old brother is way more experienced than me.

3. Loss of innocence?? You're kidding right? You're talking as if a date with an older person is a traumatic experience. Of course, I know you are just talking about when men date younger women and you would probably not say that in reference to a 20 year old guy hooking up with an older woman. This attitude is typical in our society, but is not based on any facts.

4. How is arthritis relevant in any way? Are you suggesting that young people should avoid people their own age with health problems as well?

5. Both parties over 40? Really?? So you even think that a 45 year old man dating a 35 year old woman is wrong?

6. Can you HONESTLY tell me that you feel the exact same way about both older men dating young women and older women dating young men?

This is all understandable given the facts and the specifics, but, it is not even really YOUR going ewww. Your post only references your wife's opinion as well as the assumptions of the people you know. Unless you have a very wide social circle, these assumptions are very skewed. . There is no opinion that is held personally by you and that has been borne out of a your own experience. Sort of a vicarious take on things.