Advised to avoid a potentially difficult relationship

Hi everyone,

I'm glad I found PsychCentral and I hope it proves to be helpful to me.

My BIG issue today is this,

To start out I must say that I hate to even discuss this with anyone period because in a way I feel like I might violate the confidentiality of
what the girl I'm talking about told me. But I feel it's in the best interest of both of us if I discuss it in a hidden place. I haven't even discussed this (and won't) with my two closest friends who know ALOT about me and what I deal with mentally.

I'm feeling the whole situation out but I feel a connection to a call girl I've seen for the past year. We've gotten to know each other on a much more personal level over that time and she's admitted that she's gotten much more closer to me than she ever has with any of her other clients.

I've gotten to the point where I'm much more confident and I've improved my appearance. I feel that I could have a relationship and not have to see anyone in that manner. I honestly feel a lot different. I notice different positive reactions from girls, etc.

I've seen her a lot less over the past few months, and I'm feeling it out and don't want to assume, but I feel that there is a connection between us. (I'm Bipolar-2) We confided in each other about what we deal with, we both have similar mental issues and she's been very open with me about her life. I let her know how I felt, and I think I told her that I have feelings for her that I'm not sure about and I want to at least get to know her better as a friend. She was open to it, and admitted that she does like to talk to me on a personal level.

I've shown her that I'm understanding and accepting, and I am not quick to judge people because I feel that people can change.

I brought this up to my T and she made it clear that she couldn't tell me what to do but she thought it was a terrible idea. She said if I were her son she would honestly tell me to not get involved with this girl because she has too many emotional issues to deal with. I told her that I feel that I agree with her that I can't save anyone, but I feel that you can help people to help themselves. My T said "no".

This irritated me very very much. I feel that my T is only judging this girl based on the fact of what she does. I feel that she is going along with the image of everyone who does that being hooked on heroine or crack and being very trashy and filthy. This girl isn't like that, I've gotten a deeper understanding of her and found traits about her that I like. Our relationship is changing and I want to see where it goes.

I realize that I could be hurt, but I tried to explain that there are other women with issues and I could be hurt bad by anyone.

I feel that my T's opinion would be a little different if this girl had mental issues but didn't do what she does.

I believe that people can change, I believe that when people are judged and set aside as outcast it makes it really really hard for them to change because no one will support them or provide any understanding.

Deep down in my heart I feel that I should follow my own instincts.
The last few times I didn't It didn't make a difference, I ended up making mistakes anyway.

There are women that are considered sluts who sleep with anyman who comes along, and they change once they get past their early 20's. Why is it okay to start a relationship with those girls? They will sleep with a man just because he will buy them drinks, gifts, he has a nice car, makes a lot of money, pays for everything, etc. I understand that there are differences, but why is that okay?

I understand that this is going to be a difficult road, but why run just because there's the chance that something else could be easy.
Who here agrees with what and why?

Hi RacinginMania, welcome to PsychCentral!
I don't think your question was ever about what would be easiest. For example, I doubt that you're in therapy because it's easier than not being in therapy, just as I doubt that people climb mountains because it's easier than not climbing mountains.

You and the girl can benefit in various ways from knowing each other but what each of you learns from the experience probably won't look much like what you expected to learn going in. Probably the more open to learning either of you are, the less it'll look like your preconceptions and the more you'll get out of it. No doubt you'll also find before you're done that you bug each other in various ways but exactly what that'll look like, or how it'll compare to the value you get from the relationship, you won't know till you get there.
She may be looking at it from her viewpoint as a therapist, thinking "Geez, if I had to do therapy on her, where would I begin?" If you're looking for a chance to help the girl, fix her, change her or make her better -- or if you're hoping that she'll help you, fix you or make you better -- you'll probably be disappointed. If you're willing to be whoever you are and to let her be whoever she is, you're sure to enjoy the experience more and both of you may (no guarantees!) get better naturally.

Since you seem to have only your therapist's opinion to go by, that the girl has "too many emotional issues", you apparently don't know firsthand what that would be like or how dealing with it would affect you. I know only one way to find out.

If you'd said that about some kinds of things -- that you didn't know what it would feel like to jump off a cliff, for instance -- I would've recommended that you not find out. As I see it, though, whatever you don't learn in one relationship you'll only have to learn in another unless you were to avoid relationships (or learning) altogether -- so why not go for it?

If your T is willing to work with you on whatever comes up for you in the course of that relationship, that could make the experience even more valuable for you. If she can point out to your satisfaction some ways that the experience could be more like jumping off a cliff than I can see from here, that could be valuable all by itself. If it started to look as if your T had an investment in being right about the girl and protecting you from her, that might be something to bring up in therapy eventually.

By virtue of how your relationship with the girl started, I have to point out that she is in the business of receiving money to spend time with you. Now that you have both admitted that there may be some feelings that go beyond her professional capacity, has she stopped charging for her time? If she has not, then I urge you to proceed cautiously. Many call girls who are good at what they do learn to empathize with their clients, and I just hope that she has not opened up with you as more of a "mirroring" approach to making the sale than as an honest reflection of a developing personal bond. That being said, I would still ask the same question if the girl were working at a high end retail clothing store where you bought a lot of expensive clothes...I just want to make sure the bond that you're feeling is real and not just a way to make more sales. If the bond is real, then she's the same as any other woman with issues (i.e., we all have them)...so, get to know her and see where it goes.

My question... is this girl hooked on heroine or crack? Is that part of this issue or just an example.

If this girl is on drugs, then she doesn't need to be in a romantic relationship, she needs to get help to get clean. It is good to be a friend and support her toward that goal, but when you love someone it is really easy to get sucked down into what they are doing. Even if you don't actually do the drugs yourself, you can get caught up in it by doing things that enable her.

This is more than a question of being hurt emotionally, but also possibly being hurt physically, financially, and so on. That's what concerns me.

Also I agree with lido78... it's not about "judging" necessarily, but being cautious. Sometimes we are blinded by our own emotions...

I don't want to get into all of the details on here but, from what we've discussed she's slowed down a lot and is trying to get out of what she does. She told me this a little bit before we got closer to each other.
Regarding the "mirroring" I didn't think about that, but I honestly don't feel that way. I sensed more from her first than she did from me.

Thank you for giving an example of a woman doing something else (clothing store). It helps put things in perspective.

No, she's not on drugs. I'm sure she's not on any hard drugs.
I understand the question of being hurt in other ways.

Yes, I agree about being blinded by our own emotions but I swear I feel
something there. I swear I can see something, maybe I'm completly wrong. I get exhausted second guessing myself and figuring it out.

What I plan on doing is to do as some of you have suggested. Check it out and see. There are details I don't want to talk about that make me feel the way I do. My T won't seem to listen to them, but in the end I have to make the choice since I have to live with the consequences.
That feels like the biggest thing I have to accept. My instincts (which I know can be wrong) paint a different picture of the situation, one that makes sense. When I talk to her I listen and discuss things. I don't want her to think I'm just interrogating her, because I'm not doing that.
She's been open, upfront, and honest with me. I feel that at the least I can respect her for that. Knowing it's not easy for her and it's not easy for me I slowly walk through it all to figure out where we stand with each other. I'm avoiding just shouting out "I love you", it's only fair to her that I put undeveloped feelings aside and listen to what she has to say. She's not making it seem like she's the perfect person in the world, and she knows I'm not either. It's such a difficult situation, but I guess that's what I should be aware of. The underlying thing of it is the fact that I want to make sure she understands that I want to be there for her as a friend regardless. It hurts, but I can't hide from everything. The anxiety in my mind tells me to, but I push through anyway and face it all boldly because in the end regardless of everything I'd like her to know what it's like to have someone to talk to. The same that my very close friends have been there for me, unfortunately I can't discuss this with them. I even refuse to discuss to talk about some of the things she's told me on here.

I thank each and every one of you for discussing this with me, I am open to talking about this more.

Thank you.

What is it that you want to change, that's what I would be asking myself, because you mentioned "I am not quick to judge people because I feel that people can change." and "I believe that people can change", and "makes it really really hard for them to change.."

So what would you want to change about her? Are you uncomfortable with the fact that she's a call girl? Is this something she would want to change? And... why not find someone you do not want to change?

It's good she's not on drugs but here is something you need to understand: don't expect anyone to change. You have to love them for who they are right now. If they change, they change, but they aren't going to change the way you want them to.

I agree with Anika. Why not look for someone who doesn't need to change for you?

No, but part of the consideration has to do with the fact that she's made it clear she's trying to get out of it and she doesn't want it to be a long term thing.


I understand that, but I still disagree. I've changed, people have helped me to change. It took a while and I'm still working on it. If they would've said the same thing about me and all of my issues then I would still be where I was. I don't expect drastic improvments.
It's also about helping her to change for herself.

Look for someone who doesn't need to change for me? Because I don't want to.

Doesn't need to change? That's not realistic, everyone changes at least a little as part of a relationship. My mother stuck by my father and he's drastically changed. May not be the average example, and he still has things he needs to work on. But he's come a long way. I know within me that it's possible for people to change.

I'm open to hear what else you have to say, and I don't intend to be rude. But I don't think this thread is going ot go anywhere. There are far too many details to be understood and the image of what she does paints a terrible picture to begin with.
I feel like I shouldn't have mentioned that part because it's colored opinions way too much.

Didn't change my image. I just asked about change because you mentioned it, and I ask the same questions to myself or anyone else that was talking about the other person changing and going into a relationship.

If it's something she has expressed wanting to change than, that's a different story. As long as both people are on the same page. That's all I was trying to point out. Yes everyone does change, but you see relationships fail often when ones person wants the other to change, especially when the other person doesn't want change. So that's good if you are on the same page there.

I don't think anyone here has judged, but are taking into consideration what she does for a living. Which is obviously going to have some impact. If we were to judge her, well you are an employer of sorts to her job and no one is judging you either, but I don't see anyone letting this colour the whole picture. We'd have to go judge ourselves as well, as well all have pasts and probably future things we have done or did.

If I was thinking of going into a relationship with a blind person, or say mentally ill even, and left that part out, the advice I might get might not be that useful to the situation.

Has she talked about another profession? What job skills does she have?