Okay, so let me start by saying that, while I would really, really love your feedback and support, I know that this is going to be a long post and totally understand if your eyeballs get tired while reading my babbling.

I spent all day yesterday (and most of the night since I'm a third shifter) crying intermittently. This couch I'm typing from probably has a permanent imprint of my behind since I've been sitting in this same corner, in these same pj's, since I got home from my breakfast date yesterday at about 9:45. Yep, a date triggered this, but it really has nothing to do with the guy or the date. He was a perfect gentleman. We were a total mismatch and, due to total non-communication prior to the date, zero chemistry, and my social anxiety kicking into high gear, it was the worst date I've ever (yes, ever) been on. Poor guy. I feel badly for him and I'm absolutely embarrassed. I'm declaring an end to a 7 month stint in the online dating world. I'm emotionally drained, sad, confused, and still very single.

But I looked in the mirror and wondered, how did I get here? I mean, besides the puffy, teary face, the wonky hair from dozing on my couch corner, and the fact that right now I look like some kids' rag doll, I'm reasonably attractive. Overweight and too tall for most men yes, but attractive. I'm highly intelligent, I'm an interesting person, I have a big heart, and I have this huge desire to connect with others. I used to be far more interesting, used to have hobbies, used to have like, a bazillion friends. And then, in my mid-twenties, the depression and anxiety started hounding me in earnest. But I'm still me. I'm still the person who, even when the world is falling apart around me and I can't stop crying will crack a silly joke with someone. HA, I can't tell you how many times I've laughed my tail off while sad, depressed tears were falling down my face. I'm still the person who, even when I shut down because I cannot handle one more thing piling on, not even a little more pain because my heart will break, become a black hole, and swallow me up will reach out to other hurting people because, I mean, it sucks to feel like this and sucks even more to feel like this alone.

Guys, my whole adult life I've wanted to be part of a family that I created. I've wanted to be a loving wife, to create a home with someone and to give the love to them that I have in me. Sure I can give love to others but it's different. I want to be a mother...there's really nothing more to say about that. I see so many people who squander the beautiful intangible things that they have--they treat spouses and children horribly. Man...I just want the chance to make that kind of life for myself.

I am 33 years old and so scared that I will be alone forever. People tell me that I won't. They offer trite sayings like, "You just haven't met the right one," and "When you stop looking, you'll find him." And etc. But I've been single since 2004. I've both stopped looking for long periods of time, and I've looked earnestly. I've done...everything. Mentally and emotionally, I've been in higher, more stable places than this but now, I'm just very sad. It's not all about a guy, it's not that I'm not happy without one. I mean, I don't really have any girlfriends anymore either, but that's another full post in and of itself. This is about wanting the things other women my age have and take for granted.

I don't know how I got here or why. I don't know what's wrong with me, or why it seems that I'm excluded from having the happiness that others do. I look in the mirror and can't see the answer. I just...I don't know...

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by misskeena

Okay, so let me start by saying that, while I would really, really love your feedback and support, I know that this is going to be a long post and totally understand if your eyeballs get tired while reading my babbling.

I spent all day yesterday (and most of the night since I'm a third shifter) crying intermittently. This couch I'm typing from probably has a permanent imprint of my behind since I've been sitting in this same corner, in these same pj's, since I got home from my breakfast date yesterday at about 9:45. Yep, a date triggered this, but it really has nothing to do with the guy or the date. He was a perfect gentleman. We were a total mismatch and, due to total non-communication prior to the date, zero chemistry, and my social anxiety kicking into high gear, it was the worst date I've ever (yes, ever) been on. Poor guy. I feel badly for him and I'm absolutely embarrassed. I'm declaring an end to a 7 month stint in the online dating world. I'm emotionally drained, sad, confused, and still very single.

But I looked in the mirror and wondered, how did I get here? I mean, besides the puffy, teary face, the wonky hair from dozing on my couch corner, and the fact that right now I look like some kids' rag doll, I'm reasonably attractive. Overweight and too tall for most men yes, but attractive. I'm highly intelligent, I'm an interesting person, I have a big heart, and I have this huge desire to connect with others. I used to be far more interesting, used to have hobbies, used to have like, a bazillion friends. And then, in my mid-twenties, the depression and anxiety started hounding me in earnest. But I'm still me. I'm still the person who, even when the world is falling apart around me and I can't stop crying will crack a silly joke with someone. HA, I can't tell you how many times I've laughed my tail off while sad, depressed tears were falling down my face. I'm still the person who, even when I shut down because I cannot handle one more thing piling on, not even a little more pain because my heart will break, become a black hole, and swallow me up will reach out to other hurting people because, I mean, it sucks to feel like this and sucks even more to feel like this alone.

Guys, my whole adult life I've wanted to be part of a family that I created. I've wanted to be a loving wife, to create a home with someone and to give the love to them that I have in me. Sure I can give love to others but it's different. I want to be a mother...there's really nothing more to say about that. I see so many people who squander the beautiful intangible things that they have--they treat spouses and children horribly. Man...I just want the chance to make that kind of life for myself.

I am 33 years old and so scared that I will be alone forever. People tell me that I won't. They offer trite sayings like, "You just haven't met the right one," and "When you stop looking, you'll find him." And etc. But I've been single since 2004. I've both stopped looking for long periods of time, and I've looked earnestly. I've done...everything. Mentally and emotionally, I've been in higher, more stable places than this but now, I'm just very sad. It's not all about a guy, it's not that I'm not happy without one. I mean, I don't really have any girlfriends anymore either, but that's another full post in and of itself. This is about wanting the things other women my age have and take for granted.

I don't know how I got here or why. I don't know what's wrong with me, or why it seems that I'm excluded from having the happiness that others do. I look in the mirror and can't see the answer. I just...I don't know...

I wanted to offer my sympathy and support. Make for yourself the home you want: decorate it the way you like, have a pet (or not); and then find a way to interact with children. You can be a Big Sister; see about working with Scouts; volunteer at places that draw children like a zoo or the public library; or you could foster a child or adopt or have a child while you are still single. Men often 'fall in love' with their eyes, so I assume you have identified the type of man you want and your goal then is to make yourself resemble his physical ideal. I'm a lot older than you are and I still see men looking at me; so I am still someone's 'type' -- maybe for you your type is a tall, intelligent man who likes pie or gourmet cooking and who isn't interested in controlling a woman by harping on her weight. I don't think you should be apologetic about your weight or height; but you should make sure you look like the kind of woman the kind of man you want to attract likes. You're a tall, nice armful and some man out there wants just that in his home. I'm not saying to be superficial; I'm just recognizing that once a man sees what he likes, he comes in closer to see if the person with the looks he likes continues to intrigue him. Don't give up yet. Courage!

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I wanted to offer my sympathy and support. Make for yourself the home you want: decorate it the way you like, have a pet (or not); and then find a way to interact with children. You can be a Big Sister; see about working with Scouts; volunteer at places that draw children like a zoo or the public library; or you could foster a child or adopt or have a child while you are still single. Men often 'fall in love' with their eyes, so I assume you have identified the type of man you want and your goal then is to make yourself resemble his physical ideal. I'm a lot older than you are and I still see men looking at me; so I am still someone's 'type' -- maybe for you your type is a tall, intelligent man who likes pie or gourmet cooking and who isn't interested in controlling a woman by harping on her weight. I don't think you should be apologetic about your weight or height; but you should make sure you look like the kind of woman the kind of man you want to attract likes. You're a tall, nice armful and some man out there wants just that in his home. I'm not saying to be superficial; I'm just recognizing that once a man sees what he likes, he comes in closer to see if the person with the looks he likes continues to intrigue him. Don't give up yet. Courage!

Thank you for your reply. I used to kind of just furnish my home with whatever I could find from the Dollar Store, etc. In the last few years, since I've gotten more of a handle on my life and depression, I've gained more pride in my home and have made it a "home." I love my space and would really love to share it with people--it's a fun, warm place to be, but people don't come over. I have two pets that, I think, have saved me from myself in some ways. If that makes sense. I like your idea to volunteer. I make excuses like I don't have enough time and etc, but I think that I'm really just isolating and making excuses. I think the fatigue from being depressed has something to do with it but, you know what? Enough already. I need to get off my little corner of the couch and live. If I talk about being an attractive, intelligent, vibrant (for the most part) 30-something then I need to live like I am that person, hey?

[Perna]

You are still you but who can see you? Get the hobbies back, pick something(s) to be interested in out there where there are other people doing the same thing, you can't find Mr. Right one person at a time? You have to look through crowds and be attractive in what you are doing (not necessarily how you look, yes, the initial impression can help but it's just the initial impression -- look at Susan Boyle with her passion for singing).

I was 39 when I married, 34 when I met Mr. Right; I know/knew very well how you feel The couch corner cannot help you? Figure out what projects to start, take a class at a local college or rec center, the Winter semester is getting ready to start; join an interest group, a reading group, a support group, a woman's group, a new job with new people (that's how I met my husband).

Originally Posted by Perna

You are still you but who can see you? Get the hobbies back, pick something(s) to be interested in out there where there are other people doing the same thing, you can't find Mr. Right one person at a time? You have to look through crowds and be attractive in what you are doing (not necessarily how you look, yes, the initial impression can help but it's just the initial impression -- look at Susan Boyle with her passion for singing).

I was 39 when I married, 34 when I met Mr. Right; I know/knew very well how you feel The couch corner cannot help you? Figure out what projects to start, take a class at a local college or rec center, the Winter semester is getting ready to start; join an interest group, a reading group, a support group, a woman's group, a new job with new people (that's how I met my husband).

I understand everyone is just trying to help but...I do or have done all of that! I go to school part time, and have for several years. I work in a female dominated field (in healthcare, and am going to school to be an RN). I'm not interested in dating at work. I live in a conservative area where people marry early so, when I have gotten involved with things, my cohorts were either other (married) women, or older (married) men. For some reason, in my area, people aren't terribly open to new friendships ESPECIALLY if you're a single woman. Idk why, that's just how it is.

I know I sound like I'm whining and wallowing. Really, I don't usually. I always feel that the same things are true, and that the same factors are in play but usually I can just carry on. I'm just having a rough time, especially with the holidays, especially without family.

This has become a mantra for me because I believe so whole-heartedly in it: if at all possible, find a dance class-swing, ballroom, whatever-and just start going. You don't necessarily need a partner and sometimes the instructor may even be able to find one for you. That was my situation a few yrs ago. She was 59 I was 37 and quite frankly, I had the time of my life that summer. If circumstances were better for me at the moment, I would get my butt right back on the dance floor and as soon as I can, I will.

There is just so much good energy on the dance floor that you may be surprised at who you meet and like out there. Give it a whirl, no pun intended. It's also a great and fun way to lose weight-and generally is inexpensive. Holidays are tough for me too but your new year can start today.

[Open Eyes]

((((((misskeena))))))) Well I checked your picture out, yes, you are attractive and have a wonderful warm smile. And your not truely alone in feeling you havent fulfilled that goal of finding a soul mate and having a family of your own. Believe it or not, there are others out there who feel just like you do, hense the growing number of dating online sites.

Your post makes me think about a friend of mine who's son is now 40ish and he is a nice man also disappointed that he hasn't really found the right woman to settle down and have a family with. He is off and on resigning himself to the fact that he may be meant to never have a family of his own. And he is such a nice man, but most of the women he meets are professionals that can be highly oppinionated and somewhat cold and demanding. Ofcourse he seems to gravitate to the more intelligent type of woman as he is intelligent himself. He has a good job and he is a good man, but that one special connection just seems to evade him, just like you.

I am not sure what your hobbies are, but you need to find ways to be in places where some of these men may be. You can join a church and be active in areas where there are different social services to help the needy, some of these good guys get involved with these activities. Join a local gun club that offers skeet shooting, as some nice men do that as a hobby, and there is nothing wrong with them. Boating activities are worth getting involved with because many men are wandering around those activities, attend boat shows etc. You can go and take gulf lessons as many nice men spend a lot of time gulfing and are single. You do want a man that has a passion of his own, you don't want a man that is a dependant only on who he mates with. A healthy man will be busy with a hobby of some kind and it doesn't have to be something that your about either, but know going in, it will be his way of just being active and healthy.

Perna is right, your not going to find a partner in the corner of your couch. Some men play golf, go boating, fishing, are in to sports, hiking, sailing, for example this guy I was describing took sailing lessons for years, now has a captains license and would love to just sail around the world. I actually met a man not too long ago that travels a lot is also into boats and is single too, he was a nice man but had no real clue in how to meet up with a nice woman.

As far as friends are concerned, well, you have had friends, but often friends just get busy with their lives and you cannot expect other people to just be there for you, and devote their time to servicing friendships. And it really has nothing to do with your worth as a person at all, people just get busy and drift away from each other. And just because you see couples that have families and it looks like they don't appreciate what they have, well, they may actually be unhappy couples that have grown apart or for some reason just don't know how to work on their relationships.

Your in a rut, but the only way that can change is if you change it, your spending too much time in the corner of the sofa and a body at rest tends to stay at rest, the same thing goes for the mind. Stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself and pat your cheeks and tell that person in the mirror that your going to stop allowing yourself to even consider that your not worthy somehow. Your now going to get out of the corner of the sofa and make a decision to really try different things, like I mentioned above.
And you don't have to be perfect at anything I suggest, your just going to try different things and see what happens. The only way your going to meet anyone is to get out of that corner and allow yourself to get involved with different things.

I think you deserve that don't you? ((((Hugs)))))
New Year's resolution.
Open Eyes

[roads]

When I read gulas' post I thought of three people right away, misskeena, who met SOs on the dance floor here in my very conservative community. One couple married. I feel for you--it's a tough to meet up in today's world with so little real eye-2- eye meeting. Stay in touch.

Roadrunner

[Lyzzyy]

I am about to turn 27 and I feel the same way you do. Even though I am a bit younger than you, I want to have a family but I have a hard time connecting with people. I work full time, have two dogs, two turtles, live on my own, and do a lot of the things that you are doing and still feel the same way you do.

I am working on myself right now to not be so depressed and lonely, and to be able to have something to offer someone when the right person comes. You should check out meetup.com to see if there are any events in your area. I also recommend doing a lot of writing, it helps to see what you really want out of life and where to start. I personally like to read self-help books as they make me feel like there is something out there waiting for me and it is just a matter of time before it comes.

You will have a wonderful family and have everything you wish for, but first you have to be happy with yourself. Don't give up, good things will come on their own just be patient

[IceCreamKid]

I didn't think you were whining; I identified with what you said. I hold good thoughts for you happiness.

Originally Posted by Lyzzyy

I am about to turn 27 and I feel the same way you do. Even though I am a bit younger than you, I want to have a family but I have a hard time connecting with people. I work full time, have two dogs, two turtles, live on my own, and do a lot of the things that you are doing and still feel the same way you do.

I am working on myself right now to not be so depressed and lonely, and to be able to have something to offer someone when the right person comes. You should check out meetup.com to see if there are any events in your area. I also recommend doing a lot of writing, it helps to see what you really want out of life and where to start. I personally like to read self-help books as they make me feel like there is something out there waiting for me and it is just a matter of time before it comes.

You will have a wonderful family and have everything you wish for, but first you have to be happy with yourself. Don't give up, good things will come on their own just be patient

I'm actually semi-active on meetup.com and have been since about 2009. I've been finding it very VERY difficult to connect with people and I don't know if it's my schedule, if it's because some groups already have an established "clique" or if I'm giving off a really bad vibe. I connected with one group and, after only two meetups, heard from a member that 2 women thought I was trying to steal their guys! Ehhhh, really? I was talking to the guys, sat and had a drink, that's all. Anyway, yeah, still going to meetups so...we'll see...

[roads]

Hey, misskenna. Communication & relationships are complicated/difficult. I'm glad that you're posting though.

Thanks. This thread is ooold but I was going through my "threads posted by" list and thought I'd start replying to people no matter how old the original is. It makes me feel good when people respond to me so...

[roads]

Are you in nursing school yet? Seems to me you were waiting for admission, last time we spoke.

[dailyhealing]

It makes me feel good when people respond to me also! I'm glad you are posting, and sorry you are still struggling with the relationship issue. Take care and I hope to keep hearing from you on here.