[morningstar72]

I don't know if im going crazy but this feeling I have just won't go away... and I know its a weak thing to do.. but life just isn't getting better. I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday.. which is probably why I'm feeling worse. But I wasnt fully happy with him either.

This all started when I failed 5 out of 8 of my papers in my first year of university .. and at the time I was with my boyfriend.. I had a distracted so I suppressed the sadness. I never told my parents about failing and this was in 2010. They still think i'm doing the same degree but in reality I got kicked out of the honours degree and am now doing a similar thing which has mostly the same papers. Its still engineering so its been easy to hide it from my parents. Before I found out i was getting kicked out of the honors degree.. My boyfriend broke up with.. saying that he didnt want the relationship because he didnt want to hurt me. Over the summer I had a really hard time dealing with the break up even tho we were only together for a month... and after 3 months I found out I was getting kicked out. I had friends to help me deal with that at the time.. even though going back to uni was the hardest thing. I had to deal with running into my boyfriend and with people laughing at me for being a failure. a semester went by and I didnt get over him but I was passing my papers... and I felt like I was slowly fixing the mess I made of my life. But he contacted me again.. and I didnt have enough will power to stay away. So we got back together and now it has been 8 months. Uni isnt going well Ive been passing but the guilt of my parents not knowing is eating me away. I feel like my life will never get better. I basicly dont have friends right now.. everyones moving on with life and getting jobs and doing well... and my life has been stuck.. and I havn't been happy for a long time now. Im a positive person.. which is why I didnt break when I failed.. I moved forward.. but right now.. I feel empty and killing myself or attempting to seems like a good idea. Help me...because time isnt fixing anything... and with my boyfriend gone.. I have noone to help me through anything.

[RomanSunburn]

Hi morningstar,

I'm sorry you're feeling so lowly right now. I can definitely related. I"ve struggled with school since high school, and I really understand how hard failing can be and how things seem like they'll never get better. Is there anyway you can reapply for the honors program? Perhaps talk to an adviser about reapplying? Also, most universities have some sort of mental health center on campus -- perhaps you can go there and talk about the way you're feeling? They might also have groups on how to build healthy relationships. It might be something worth looking into. Today, my pdoc recommended that I try to walk for 30 minutes everyday. It has all sorts of benefits, including improving your mood.

I know things seem rough right now, but try to remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know it doesn't feel temporary right now, but you have no idea what great things you will go on to achieve. Breakups are tough, but it doesn't sound like the relationship was very balanced. Focus on getting yourself feeling better and the rest will start to fall into place.

Take care of yourself

[morningstar72]

Thank you RomanSunburn I really appreciate everything you said. I ve thought about going to get help at uni. But I never actually thought it would help me. I want thing to change. Its been 2 years now and i'm stuck in the same place feeling exactly how I did the day I got kicked out. I'm running out of distractions. I know suicide is a weak solution..I lost a friend because of it. I just don't know where to start to fix the mess I made of my life.

[Confusedinomicon]

Go. Uni have cheap mental health care with competent doctors and psychs. They will not judge you. It saved my life 3 years ago when I was on the verge of suicide. Dont suffer in silence.

[LadyShadow]

Yes don't suffer in silence, I agree. I am glad you are here posting. I hope you get the help you need from wherever you choose. I am sure there are counselors on campus that can help. I'm sure they do. But keep posting here and talking here, it will help you. You will find the answers they will come. You are not alone

[morningstar72]

counseling seems to be the only solution right now. I'll book my appointment tomorrow. Thank you guys Posting on here really helped and reading all the other posts made me realize that I'm not the only one having a hard time coping with life.

Originally Posted by morningstar72

counseling seems to be the only solution right now. I'll book my appointment tomorrow. Thank you guys Posting on here really helped and reading all the other posts made me realize that I'm not the only one having a hard time coping with life.

Good luck with everything. I think about suicide a lot too, and mostly it's just a comforting thought, and an escape fantasy.

Ultimately it also means I don't face my challenges because I imagine I have the ultimate out, which I don't, since I wouldn't have the conviction to do it.

Morningstar72 ... If you commit suicide, there will be a hole in the Universe where you're supposed to be and that would be a very sad thing ...

Don't wait until tomorrow to book your appointment ... Please do it today ... !!!

Sincerely,
Pfrog

[morningstar72]

I guess I wanna run away from this rather than face it. . I have to wait till monday to book my appointment. I have exams coming up.. I'm scared all of this is going to bring me down.

[Yoda]

Perhaps the Univ health can help you get extended time for exams since you are in a depressive funk right now.

[Confusedinomicon]

The DRC (disability resource center) will also accommodate for mood disorders and depression. They provide extra tutoring, note takers and will help you talk to your professors if you need extra time or help. It might be late in this semester but you can use them next semester if you're diagnosed with anything.

Please tell us when you've made your appointment. We can continue giving you the support you need to go through the initial appointment. If the counseling center is close enough to the school you can often walk in and they will set you up with someone who will help set you up with a counselor.

[eskielover]

Suicide doesn't solve anything......also, another suggestion....even though I'm sure you really want to have a relationship.....I found that focusing strictly on what you are majoring in while at the uni & leaving the social stuff (getting involved seriously) is better left until after you get the degree.

I made life difficult on myself. Not only did I end up getting married while I was working on my accounting information systems/computer science BS degree, I ended up having our daughter 10 months before I graduated & got my career started which I had several job offers before I even graduated.

If I were to do it over again, I would have never gotten married, I would have focused on nothing but my education & my career.....then the right person would have come along after I was more settled with my life who would have fit in much better to my goals & my life. Even though my husband & I ended up in the same career of firmware engineering, we had too many differences that I only tolerated because I was hiding in my career. When I ended up loosing my career 15 years later....I found out just how bad my marriage was & how much I was using my career to hide from the badness. That was when I became suicidal.

Focus on what's important to you. If your engineering is important & getting a career set up for yourself so that you can take care of yourself & not be dependent on a guy....you will be much better off in the long run. I have realized that when we are self sufficient, it's a lot easier to find a guy that fits our life & then the relationship can grow much easier & smoothly.

You said you were having issues with your BF in the first place which is why you broke up. Hold onto your values & your strength of conviction that you are doing the right thing & don't be pressured to go back to him. The right relationship will come along with the time is right....it's better to have NO relationship than to have a bad one.

The help through the universities is wonderful when one gets the DX from being treated. I used the disabilities resource center when I went back to the jr college to take some interior design courses....thought I might get a certificate in it.....but my mother's dying of cancer messed that situation up along with the trauma I went through because of my mother. The point is, that they gave me extra time to takes the tests, gave me permission to ask permission to record lectures....all because of my anxiety & depression. It gave me just enough benefits that I could excell in my classes & was able to get very involved in the department & the on campus club as treasurer & leison with the professional groups that we interfaced with. When we keep our focus on one thing at a time & don't feel pressured that you have to have a BF or something's wrong with you......it makes life much easier....lessens the anxiety & even the depression & helps with our focus.

Don't throw your education away for a BF who you have issues with in the first place. When you get yourself established, everything else will fall into place.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by eskielover

it's better to have NO relationship than to have a bad one.

.

[insideout]

Suicide actually does "solve" things, only in the sense that it stops everything.
It ends your sadness, your pain, and also your happiness, your potential and your future.
Unfortunately, it leaves behind trauma and life-long gut wrenching pain and unending agony for those you leave behind.
Even the ones you don't think care about you, will be left in worse pain than you were in.

The worst thing about suicide?
You will be suffering no matter how you do it, and if you "succeed", you will not be in your physical body to feel RELIEF.

RELIEF is what you seek.
Not the end of life.
No human actually seeks to die.

Stick around and keep venting.
And don't forget to call the suicide helpline or even go to their online chat if you just wanna talk.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline...elineChat.aspx

[Bmee2]

MorningStar72,
i hope you will see someone on Monday, May 14th, about what is going on. You may be able to focus on the exams coming up, maybe not. Can you handle failing a test? There maybe something the counseling center at the Univ, that can help you better prepare or perhaps something can be arranged for a make up exam. The sooner you act the better you will feel. Surely your sleep has been affected by all of these changes. i had to do something at Univ. which i did not want to do, i had to take a medical leave of absence, but the counseling helped a great deal. It was good to know there was support when it felt like everyone was judging me. In the end all was for the best.
Please call or make an appointment for Monday asap= As soon as possible. You can do it. You just need a little help over this little bump in the road of life.

[morningstar72]

reading all of this made me cry. Thank you everyone for all the things you've said... I can't express how much these responses mean to me. I can't talk to anyone I know about it and they just judge me and don't understand. Its really nice to talk to people that understand what i'm going through.

I know I don't wanna be with my BF.. I can't manage uni and him at the same time. its too much for me and I know that. But I just become so weak sometimes. even now.. its been 2 days and all i think about is if he'll call me or not or if we'll get back together and I can just forget about everything else. But i know I can't do that. I need to get help and get through this and do good at uni. Engineerings really important to me and its the most important thing to me. Ive dragged this on for 2 years now. I need to stop. Its just really hard coz I know what I have to do..im saying all of this now.. and never actually do anything. I'm sick of being that person.

[insideout]

If you, or anyone, feels they cannot wait til their appointment, don't hesitate to call 911 on yourself.
There's no shame in it.

[insideout]

Morningstar,

It sounds like you are on the right track and are in the process of trying to organize your priorities. Feeling overwhelmed about all that youre working through is perfectly normal. Be good to yourself.

[morningstar72]

thank you insideout . i'm trying to keep myself busy till monday. watching a lot of pointless television shows is really helping for now.

[RomanSunburn]

If the thoughts get really built up in your mind before Monday, you could always try writing in all down before you go to bed. One of my T's recommended saying goodnight to it, to help your mind put it to rest so you won't be thinking about it all night long, tossing and turning.

morningstar, you are definitely not alone. Keep posting here, keep venting. We're here to be another form of support for you.

[insideout]

What is the best thing you watched so far on tv this weekend, Morningstar?
Is there a new series you got yourself hooked on yet?

[AvidReader]

MorningStar -- stay strong!! -- I am so glad you posted here; as you have seen, this is a wonderful, supportive community.

Almost exactly one year ago I went into the hospital because I was suicidal, and I stayed there for more than a week. It DOES get better. Please do not give in to suicidal feelings, no matter how appealing they may seem at the moment. Believe me, it will, eventually, get better.

Sending you warm thoughts of hope and many hugs!

[morningstar72]

thank u guys I woke up feeling suicidal again. I don't know how im going to stay strong. I don't wanna go and talk to anyone about it. arghhh

[morningstar72]

and I reallly miss my boyfriend.. and hes fully moved on.. and its only been 2 days.. how heartless can a person be. This is so hard.

[morningstar72]

insideout ive been watching a lot of New Girl lately.