I think it would be a good idea to start a thread on how to tell when the person you're dating is not the one, and it's time to look elsewhere. What are the warning signals?

My experience has shown:

*When you go out on a date, the only kind of place he ever wants to go is a bar, nightclub, or other place where the focus is alcohol. That means HIS focus is alcohol, not you, not love, not having a relationship.

*He moves too fast. You just met yesterday, but he's already calling you "baby" and trying to get you into bed. This one says, "I want a relationship," but means, "I want you to be my free booty call, so I don't have to pay a hooker."

*He's a mama's boy. You're always going to come in second place behind her. Sometimes he even still lives with his mama, and she cooks for him, does his laundry, etc. This one is accustomed to being waited on, and often will expect you to cater to him just as much as mama does. I can understand falling on hard times and having to move back into the nest, but it seems that someone in that situation should hold off on dating until he gets his life back on track. Oh, and if mama has to approve his dates--RUN!

*He drives like a maniac. He is the poster boy for road rage. He yells at the other drivers, makes rude gestures, or leans on the horn. And the traffic light turned red on purpose, just to tick him off.

*"Women belong in the kitchen" jokes are all the rage nowadays, but if he makes too many of them, I can't help but wonder if he really does feel that way.

Please note: I don't mean this to be against men. My negative examples are men for one reason only, and that's because as a heterosexual woman, that's what I dated. Any of the above behaviors would be red flags in a woman too.

Can you add any others?

[Stoda]

My t said to look at their other relationships. Are they kind, forgiving, rude, judgemental.

I've always heard to look at how they treat their mother. Kinda like what you said, if he treats her like a slave he'll treat you like one.

I've also heard to look at how they treat waitresses/waiters. If they're rude or ungrateful, that can tell you a lot about a person.

My t is going to give me some sheets on Red Flags next Monday. I'll try to remember to put some of that information on here.

[Scotty204]

For me it's simple, if I detect any kind of jealousy or controlling behaviour I back off. I've had a few girlfriends like that and don't want another one

[Seshat]

Red flags from my experience:

*The way he treats animals and kids.

*"Jokes" that seem playful but hurt your feelings (for instance, sarcasm about little mistakes or annoying comments about what you wear)

*He says he'll contact you X time, X day and when he doesn't, he doesn't even apologize or he makes up some silly excuse.

That's all I can think of right now.

[LadyShadow]

I like some of the ones mentioned. But I can add some from my experiences:

The Disappearing Act. This is the biggest and main one. Kinda like what Seshat mentioned, but I fall victim to all sorts of this one. The no text back, no calls for days, constantly being stood up for dates. Then comes back and expects everything to be ok. UGH

Contacting and always dreaming about the ex - always in constant contact with the ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. You know some people may disagree with this but I for me I couldn't be friends with an ex unless I know for absolutely sure that I am over them. And for one of my exes he constantly told me over and over again how the sex with his ex was the most intense and best he ever had. Thanks douchebag! UGH!

The way he/she treats other people/animals. This I agree with the others have said. How he/she treats waiters in restaurants, cashiers at stores, and animals in general. You can tell what kind of person they are by that.

That's all I can think of for now too. Good thread btw! ::

[faerie_moon_x]

These are all really good so here's some others:

-When he/she has a problem you need to be there for them 100%, but when you have a problem, that's your problem and he/she can't even be bothered to listen.

-When he/she needs something you'd better snap to it, but if you need something you better be ready to go without.

-Always questioning you about where you've been and what you've been doing, or even getting mad if you don't tell them right away what they want to know. But they don't tell you a thing.

-Bad mouthing their ex. If they use words like "psycho" or "crazy" or "stalker" yet you never see any evidance of this person in their life (no crazy phone calls, texts, not showing up randomly,) it's a good sign that you might be labeled as "psycho" as well.

The jealousy one is true. If you can't spend time with your family and friends without getting an earful, time to move on. But there is a big red flag if the guy plays the jealousy card after obviously suspicious behavior.

Say he does the disappearing act, he texts others while he's with you, he breaks dates without notice, etc. You ask him about it, and he is "hurt" by your insinuations. He gives you a lecture on jealousy, calls you controlling, and throws in as a guilt trip, "If there is no trust in a relationship, I don't know what it is, but it isn't love." You feel awful for questioning him. Then it turns out he really was two-timing you, all along.

[lynn P.]

There were so many blazing red flags in my relationship when I met my (now
husband) at 18ys of age. I was naive and thought it would get better but it only got worse. These are mine and I'm only using 'he' because it applies to me.

1. pay attention to how he acts when he's mad - if he doesn't treat others respectfully during a conflict, then he'll do the same to you.
2. never says sorry but you have to.
3. lies.
4. flirts with women
5. call you names
6. threatens you
7. discourages you from having friends
8. blows up problems with your family to encourage alienation
9. ignores you when he's mad or blows up.
10 cheats on you and justifies it.
11. controlling
12 he doesn't have to follow relationship guidelines but you do.
13. he can have a bad attitude but you can't respond.

There's more but can't remember ATM

I found an interesting article here.

Twelve Dating Red Flags Not to Ignore.

Seems to be aimed at women. All examples are "he," but certainly "she" would be equally capable of these things, so I'm going to chop the pronouns off entirely. I do not agree that all of them are necessarily red flags.

Summary follows. Red flag items are theirs, commentary is mine.

1. Tries to get fresh with you on the first date.
---We've covered that here already, but I want to point out, it isn't necessarily the man making unwanted sexual advances at the woman. I knew a woman who, the minute a man shows the slightest interest in maybe dating her, latches on to him like a leech, acts as if they are already an exclusive item when they haven't even officially gone on a date yet, and talks to her friends about nothing but him, him, him, him, him. In this case, he's the one who should run. Far.

2. Never has time for you.
---Well, he has to make a living. My husband has been working a lot of overtime lately, but that's because we're buried under medical bills. And then he's got to unwind when he comes home from work. Maybe it will ease up when I start working, and he won't have to do so much. Although it sucks, it's a fact of life, and it's not his fault. Yes, workaholism can be a problem, but a lot of overtime doesn't necessarily mean workaholism.

3. Only calls when drunk.
---Yep. Been there, done that. Can't argue with this one. Although I might add, in my case it was "only calls when he's drunk AND wants some tail." Other than tail, I had no function in the relationship. There was no walking in the park, going to see a movie, or any real time spent together that didn't involve tail.

4. Phone is always ringing.
---Supposedly the person will pull the "it's my boss, gotta go" line, and the article says he's probably telling the other woman the same thing when you call. The red flag here is if he grabs the phone before you can see the caller ID, or takes it in another room.

5. Doesn't fight fair.
---Sulks, guilt-trips, brings up the past. I agree that "doesn't fight fair" is wrong, but I'm not sure that showing the hurt you feel, necessarily makes a guilt trip. Bringing up the past, I do that myself, not as much as I used to, but I'll guarantee that if something has hurt me, a sincere apology will ensure I'll never bring it up again.

6. Doesn't make an effort.
---Doesn't remember your birthday, compliment you, or do little things for you. I guess it's even worse if your partner demands that from you, but doesn't give it back. The article also mentions sex, and I've had experience with a man who thought sex was for his pleasure only, didn't care if I enjoyed it or not. I might as well have been a rubber blowup doll. Yes, same guy from #3 who only called when he was drunk.

7. Leaves 17 voice messages in an hour.
---No excuse for that, even if someone is on their deathbed.

8. Has never had a long term relationship.
---Well, I have to say that would depend on a lot of things, such as age, for one. But yeah, if at 40 or so, someone has never had a relationship last a whole year, well then they're not going to start with you, sorry. Article says "commitment-phobe." I say, probably too picky. If the person says, "I just haven't found the right one yet," chances are there is no "right one," because that person will find fault with everybody.

9. Is depressed all the time.
---Here is where I've got to take exception. Obviously the article writer knows nothing about depression as an illness, which is more than what the article calls "only focused on the negativity." They paint a person with depression as always complaining about something, nothing ever makes them happy, and it won't be long before they're complaining about you too. If that's the way it is, that person needs help. Instead of judging, point them to the places they can get it. Should you date that person? Well, it's possible they're not ready to date yet. But you can certainly be their friend. By this I don't mean giving them the "let's just be friends" speech, but actually being their friend.

10. Thinks he/she is God's gift to the opposite sex.
---Not a whole lot of experience with this one.

11. Criticizes you all the time.
---Funny about this one, my first husband found a minimum (not an average, but a minimum) of three things wrong with every meal I ever put in front of him. And he didn't even recognize it as criticism. Similar to Dr. Paul Olliger's story in the AA Big Book, where he says, "I was always able to see the flaw in every person, in every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did." (From the personal story, "Acceptance Was the Answer.") My ex was like that. He thought it was only called "criticism" if it wasn't true, but if the eggs really were too dry, or I really did miss a spot when I was cleaning up, he was doing me a favor by telling me. The thing is, I'm not all that bad with domestic skills. Other people haven't found my cooking so repulsive, or my cleaning so lax.

12. Your friends can't stand him/her.
---Not necessarily. To hear my family of origin talk, hubby Mike has turned me against them, and is a snob who thinks he's better than they are. The reality is, he rescued me from the bad situation they were trying to keep me trapped in. They are dysfunctional, while Mike's lifestyle is healthy. And they resent the snot out of it. However, family and friends can be right. If you catch yourself saying, "But you just don't understand him like I do" too often, think about it.

[Harley47]

Hmm...let's see here. I've had a few bad ex's, one in particular who cheated on me with my superior officer in JROTC (Story has a happy ending...I ended up outranking them both when I took over the battalion as commander...I'll let you guess how that ended up ), so I'll post. Her is only used because that's my experience.

1) Moves too fast (no, we aren't all interested in hopping in bed first date)
2) Acts suspiciously regarding family and parents
3) Only wanting you around when family/friends aren't
4) Dogged pursuit before dating
5) She firmly believes you're only doing formalities when you give a compliment
6) Speaks very fondly of ex's (my old boss, in this case)
7) Uses emotions as a tool
8) Refusal to talk about problems
9) Omits details when telling stories, or purposely skips parts

[seeker1950]

I agree with many of the "red flags" here.
Also watch for how he treats waitresses! Says much about how he treats his "wife."

Harley alluded to "only wanting you around when family and friends aren't." Yep. If he doesn't want you to meet family and friends, I think it's a safe bet you're not the only pond he's fishing in. There is a reason he doesn't want them to know you exist, and that's so nobody accidentally lets it slip. Like maybe to his wife.

The waitress test comes up a lot, for good reason.

I'd watch what he says about other men in relationships. If they treat their wives/girlfriends with respect, take their feelings into consideration, or even just remain faithful, and he calls them "whipped" or cruder terms, it's obvious he's not going to treat you well. Even if another man's wife or girlfriend does do something questionable, and your date says, "If my wife/girlfriend did that, I'd lay her out on the floor," I'd take it as not an exaggeration, and that would be our last date. Nowadays, anyway, now that I know better. I didn't used to pick up on that kind of cue, and I'd always pay for it later.

Another site adds, if something major happens (his mother died, his sister had a baby) and you're not on the list of people to call and give the news, you're not an important part of his life. My own thoughts on that are, well if that happens and you confront him on it, expect a guilt trip. "My mother just died, and you're picking this time to dump me?" Well, yeah. If I'm not enough of a factor in your life that you would call and tell me, then you shouldn't miss me very much. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, but I'm no longer under the delusion that we have anything together.

[morningstar72]

I agree with a lot of what everyone said.

If the person starts controlling you.. and they don't let you control them at all. Why can't you have equal control.. noone needs to 'wear the pants' in a relationship. I think it stupid when people try and be in control.

Blames you for everything... you don't wanna end up with a blamer. If something ever goes wrong they will always find a way to blame you and put you through hell.

Someone that can't handle their anger. Everyone gets angry but If a persons out of control when they are angry its a no go.

Theres more but most of you have mentioned them already and to me these are the main things that put me off I guess.

[athena2011]

Great posts so far. Here's a few new ones:

1. Berates taxi drivers when they don't take what he believes to be the absolute fastest way to your destination.
2. Belittles those in what he believes to be 'lesser place in society' than himself.
3. Arrogant
4. Has always wanted to buy a vanity plate with the letters AUSEM on it - stands for Always Use Someone Else's Money
5. Frequently forgets his wallet when he takes you out on a date.
6. Complains about his job.
7. Complains he doesn't get enough vacation time.
8. Complains he can't get out on the golf course enough.
9. Stonewalls/walks away when you bring up a relationship problem or a boundary that he's crossed.
10. Nothing is ever good enough for him.
11. When announcing his Christmas list, specifically asks for the most expensive brand.
12. His father has disowned him.
13. He's never lived on his own. (note - some manipulators can get roommates to do everything too. Not just their mom.)

Well, I could go on but I have to go now...

[Sadness2011]

Alot have already been mentioned, but another HUGE GLARING red flag is when the guy calls says the phrase "stupid people like you" during what is supposed to be a friendly conversation on a first date! Or when he takes you on a tour of the area in which he lives and in passing, he brings up how he went to a shrink because his girlfriend "made him go" but it didnt work so he broke up with her. True story! Should've heeded those two but I only saw what I wanted. Lesson learned.

Here's a big red flag I missed, and therefore ended up married to my first husband.

Let's say he finds out that a certain something gets under your skin, hurts your feelings, or frightens you. Then he goes out of his way to do exactly that, and laughs at your reaction. Example, he knows you are afraid of snakes, so when he finds one in the back yard, he sneaks up on you and scares you with it, because he thinks it's funny to watch you scream and hyperventilate. This person is NOT the love of your life. He is an abusive creep.

[faerie_moon_x]

I thought of another one this weekend:

-On a special day (anniversary, your birthday, Mothers/Fathers day) they do nothing and treat it like any other day, and can't understand why you get upset.

-If it isn't fun/interesting to them, then they don't care. So anything that is important to you that they don't care about, forget them being involved. But you better be supportive of anything they like or want.

Crosswalk's 12 Traits of an Abusive Relationship

I'd also like to add a corollary to that last item stated in the Yahoo article from post #9. The last item on the list says it's a red flag if your family and friends can't stand the person you're dating. They're not always right, but probably they're seeing the red flags you've got your eyes shut to.

Flip side of the coin, if your partner's family and friends can't stand *you,* it's also a red flag. They don't have to be right about you. They probably aren't. Maybe they're all a bunch of dysfunctional addicts and/or codependents trying to keep your partner trapped in the crab bucket. But if they are extreme and persistent in their dislike of you, it's not going to get better. Nothing you do, no amount of kissing their hind ends or jumping through their hoops, will satisfy them. And the chances are great that sooner or later they will convince your partner that you are poison, and that they are the ones who have his/her best interest at heart. My husband was able to pull me out of my family's crab bucket, but I think it's rare that it actually works. Even if Mike were not in my life, it still would not be healthy for me to associate with my family of origin, since they systematically undo all progress I make in therapy. Let them blame Mike for turning me against them all they want, that's not how it happened. And the consequence is, my family and I live nearly 3,000 miles apart, and I meant it when I told them I am never crossing the Kentucky state line again.

In general, though, if your partner's family and friends don't like you, your partner WILL usually choose them over you. Cut the strings before that happens, so it won't hurt as much.

Dividing it up to keep one post from getting too long.

Finally, if your partner says to you, "I'm no good for you. You're better off breaking up with me and finding someone else," believe him/her, and do exactly that. Don't chalk it up to merely depression and poor self-esteem talking. Yes, of course it is, but that's not the biggest problem. Unless that person is in therapy and benefiting from it, you will spend the rest of your life with him/her offering help that will be flatly refused, trying to dig your partner out of ruts that he/she will insist on staying in. Don't be stuck in a relationship where you are constantly playing therapist for your partner.

[out of place]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

I thought of another one this weekend:

-On a special day (anniversary, your birthday, Mothers/Fathers day) they do nothing and treat it like any other day, and can't understand why you get upset.

-If it isn't fun/interesting to them, then they don't care. So anything that is important to you that they don't care about, forget them being involved. But you better be supportive of anything they like or want.

That's my husband of 8 years. He was so much more caring before we were married.

I've just thought of one:

Pay attention to his side comments when he's watching TV, particularly if he's razzing or trash-talking the characters on screen. I missed that red flag with a past boyfriend who, if I had paid attention, was clearly telling me that women are nothing but visual ornaments that exist for him to evaluate and judge on their attractiveness. Every single time a woman appeared, he'd instantly offer an appraisal. "Mmmm, mmm!" Or, "Get off the TV, ya titless broad!"

As the relationship progressed, do you think he ever displayed any respect for me as a person? Of course not. I was an object to be used for his pleasure. By the way, this is the same man I mentioned earlier in post #9, who only called or visited when he was drunk, and didn't care whether sex satisfied me or not, as long as it satisfied him.

[Seshat]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

Let's say he finds out that a certain something gets under your skin, hurts your feelings, or frightens you. Then he goes out of his way to do exactly that, and laughs at your reaction.

Something similar I remembered yesterday from my experience: he seems to think that dismissing your feelings and/or telling you you are "too sensitive" is a good way to keep you calm and collected. i.e. if you say you're worried about your health, he'll harshly tell you to stop thinking about it. If you've been sad or worried, he'll tell you to "control it" or "snap out of it".

[Seshat]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

I've just thought of one:

Pay attention to his side comments when he's watching TV, particularly if he's razzing or trash-talking the characters on screen. I missed that red flag with a past boyfriend who, if I had paid attention, was clearly telling me that women are nothing but visual ornaments that exist for him to evaluate and judge on their attractiveness. Every single time a woman appeared, he'd instantly offer an appraisal. "Mmmm, mmm!" Or, "Get off the TV, ya titless broad!"

As the relationship progressed, do you think he ever displayed any respect for me as a person? Of course not. I was an object to be used for his pleasure. By the way, this is the same man I mentioned earlier in post #9, who only called or visited when he was drunk, and didn't care whether sex satisfied me or not, as long as it satisfied him.

True. This has not happened to me but I've seen it happen and it also reminded me of those who may not do the TV trash-talking thing in front of you but they will do it with friends when you're not around.