Questioning my choices. need advice

Hi all,

Quick back story. I have recently left the father of my second child (who is 6 months old). I also have a 4 yr old from a previous relationship. This was one of the hardest thing I have done, but made the choice to ensure a happy future for my kids.

My ex was very emotionally controlling and manipulative (even to my 4 yr old). Since we broke up he has been really trying to change, even seeing two councellors. He has been super nice and is trying really hard to have me back in his life but I am worried I might fall back into the same life.

He does not seem to be in any way empathetic and I guess Im worried he has an underlying undiagnosed mental illness. I myself have been diagnosed with bipolar but as my psych puts it I have been in remission for 4 years.

Dont really know what I'm getting at lol. But how can I tell if he really is in control of his actions. My mum is worried that he could do something "silly" that might indirectly put the kids in danger, but I just dont know what to do. I still really love him and when he is being nice he truely is amazing!

Hope someone understands mu gibberish and is able to offer some advice.

Hey elle,

I think the best way to approach this is to set conditions. If he is making sincere progress and he is serious about working things out with you then he should not have a problem meeting certain reasonable expectations. Identify the the things that concern you about him and what you need for him to change for you to feel safe and willing to have him in your life again. Have a talk with him about what your expectations are and let him know that if he violates any of your conditions then it won't work out. You have to be strict about this part. He has to know that you really mean what you say.

If he does have psychological problems that are undiagnosed as of yet, well, he is seeing two counselors so it appears he is trying to get help in that regard. Remember to communicate with him and tell him you would like him to continue getting help from a professional because of his lack of empathy. If he has problems with alcohol or drugs, those issues need to be dealt with asap. None of his problems can be fixed if he has addictions clouding his judgement.

I think it's great you are trying to save your family and it can be done if he is willing to make changes and you let him know exactly what you expect. The big winners in all of this will be the kids if it works out. GL to you!

thank you Sojourn,
sounds like really good advice.

Thankfully he does not have any addictions.

I guess I just have to have a long think about what I do want. Its just hard to think some of my requests and needs wont be seen as asking to much.

just one example: he is a homaphobic, racist and I believe in treating everyone equally. I really dont want my kids to be as judgemental as he is.

I guess the biggest question I need to find my own answer for is can I ever truly trust him again. His actions have been so random, seemingly occuring out of the blue, that I worry I will forever be on edge.

I am so tired of thinking about this, I just keep going round in circles. I love him, but dont trust him (in the end i didnt trust him alone with my son). He abuses people emotionally so it is so much harder to police. He compromised my privacy by taking intimate photos without my knowledge or concent. He even attempted suicide infront of my 4 yr old. and yet he loves me so much, is the father of my child and was hoping to adopt my son. He is seeking help, but how long will it take to change?? if he ever does. I just wish he could see outside himself and understand what he does to other people.

blah!!!!

Sorry for the vent

The trust issues are HIS to repair. Make sure to keep that in mind. Right now you do not trust him and that is for good reason. When you talk to him, be clear that you do not trust him and let him know why you do not. Tell him it is up to HIM to prove himself trustworthy again and that will take time and consistency on his part. Sometimes people are good for a couple months and then they think everything should be ok. That's the not the case. If he is serious and cares about you, he will do whatever he has to do for as long as you need him to in order to gain your trust back. He should WANT to do that. After all, the changes are going to make him a better person as it is.

You don't have to let him back in your life all at once right away. Again, point to the trust issues and maybe just try being together for a limited time at first and let that time grow as you feel he is making real changes.

For your part, you have to exercise patience and understand it is never easy to make big changes in your life. He is going to struggle and may have minor relapses but just make sure to call him on it when you see it. Work on your communication with each other and try to find a way to talk that is productive and solution-oriented rather than argumentative. Talk to each other ahead of time about how you will do this when you have heated disagreements. Don't talk in the heat of emotion because that rarely helps. Walk away, cool down and then talk with the goal of solving whatever problems come up.

Hope this helps.

I am not a woman of many words. Been married more that once or twice...
Have son grown & on his own from second marriage.
Been there & done that with all you say. When fear of your son's wellfare is on the line, it's time to part ways & never look back. He won't change.
Loving him is not going to *fix* him.
Sorry if this sounds harsh.

if you do decide to take your partner back perhaps do it in small steps, don't move back in together until your sure it's a long standing change. And maybe some form of couples councilling or mediation especially if things don't work out between you setting boundaries will be a great advantage, after all he is the father of your youngest and could be in your life for a long time. Good luck and keep safe

I have some fears about this man too. There are some things that just cannot be fixed. For instance -- racism. I really don't see that being "fixed." That always seems to be deeply ingrained in someone when they are to totally bigoted, as you said your partner was. My first husband way like that, and NOTHING could change him. Absolutely nothing. The same with homophobia -- good grief. I could really tell you some stories on that!

Plus emotionally abusive people seem to take pleasure in attacking others too. My husband also did that, and sometimes it was "discreet" and other times is was totally overt. Counseling didn't help either. He just continued it, like it was a hobby or something.

Sure, my husband isn't your partner, but he sounds alot like him. All I'm saying, is I'd be very careful. If you want to stay with this man, be very very careful. Take a LONG time before you live together. Make SURE he has changed and IF he has changed. You could end up living a life of hell like I did. I didn't get out until many years later, and I SO regretted it. God bless,, and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Hi, I feel for your situation. I’ve been there. You asked for advice, so I’m going to share. I hope this helps you.

If I read this right, the father of your 4-yr-old is a cold, manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusive, racist homophobe who can’t be trusted with your kids, took nude photos of you without your permission, attempted suicide in front of his own child, and tells you he’s seeing not one but two therapists, and is being super nice. That right? Based on that and your statements that you think you want to fix things and stay with this person, here’s my advice, for what it’s worth:

1. Make sure he’s seeing a counselor. Manipulators will tell you anything to get back into your home, your bed and your life. Ask to attend a session. Any therapist worth 2c will allow this and will understand why you asked for it. And yes, your ex should pay for it. If he refuses, that’s a big sign that he’s probably lying.

2. Meet with the therapist alone and tell him or her your concerns about this guy. Ask when he started therapy and how often he attends therapy. You have a right to answers if you are “waiting around” for this guy to get better, which it sounds like you’re doing. If the therapist won't meet with you alone, ask the same questions in a session with the two of you and the therapist.

3. Clarify what your mum meant by saying he might do something “silly” with the kids. Is she saying he might be careless and let them ride a bike without a helmet, or is she concerned about something bigger, like emotional, physical, or sexual abuse or--G-d Forbid-- murder-suicide? Sometimes others see/sense things we don’t see. What does she mean here?

4. Ask him what he did with the nude photos of you. Did he share them with anybody? Did he put them on the internet?? BTW it's not uncommon for men to snap photos of us to enjoy when we aren't around (you know what I mean). Women feel it's disrespectful, but some men mean it as a compliment to take photos of our naked bums while we're asleep. Much depends on what he did with them and whether or not he knew it would offend you. I never assume I'm on the same page with someone who has a penis...it could be totally innocent (or he could be a perv)...

5. Ask the court to appoint someone to supervise visits between him and the 4-year-old. A court-appointed person is trained to recognize inappropriate behaviors that you could miss. Plus that provides distance between you and your ex, and it sounds like that might not be a bad idea. Plus, your 4-year-old will understand that s/he sees Daddy only when Mum isn't there, rather than creating an illusion of the two of you as a couple which will be painful for that child later if things don't work out.

You could, alternatively, have the therapist he's seeing supervise the visits. This could help him understand how to be emotionally supportive. In other words, hands-on training. Some therapists will do this while others won't. If he grew up in a terrible family situation it's possible he just doesn't know how to be, because he had such poor examples of parenting himself.

6. Speaking of distance: I wouldn’t invite him over, I definitely wouldn’t sleep with him, and I wouldn’t have any conversations with him unless it’s about the 4-year-old. If you have “business as usual” what motivation does he have to change? You aren’t married after all. You don’t owe him anything. Be very careful of this cause it's easy in a moment of loneliness to have him around. If he becomes a household "fixture" the kids get attached and then it's even harder to break up if it comes down to that.

7. I would date other men. I would live my life. If he becomes a changed man who merits a spot in your life, then you might or might not be available. If he doesn’t, then you have gotten your life back on track, rather than waiting on him and being “stuck.” Refusing to be in any type of relationship will motivate him to continue therapy. Refusing to be “on hold” for him will let you live your life, which you should do anyway.

8. Continue the above until you have a meeting with the therapist in which the therapist either recommends a couples counsellor, or agrees to counsel the two of you together. You can’t just jump back in life with this guy and assume he’s “cured” after X number of sessions. Plus, you have past behaviors that can trigger one another and before you know it, you're back in the same stinking situation but this time the kids are older and now you're breaking up a family, not just leaving your man.

9. Don't count on him changing. Maybe he can and will, but I wouldn't bet the farm on him...reread #7...

BTW, I’m curious why you wonder if he's mentally ill? You say he's manipulative, cold, lacks empathy, is controlling, is a racist homophobe and lacks the adult self-control that would stop a man from attempting suicide in the first place, let alone in front of his own baby. Matching up those behaviors with a “diagnosis” won’t make those behaviors "ok,” right? Nor make it your job to be more understanding or wait in hopes he will be “cured,” right? Whether he’s mentally ill or just a self-entitled jerk doesn’t matter. It’s his behaviors that matter.

Believe me, I empathize with you. He’s your much-loved oldest child’s dad and you want that to be a positive thing. You’ve left baby daddy #2 and now baby daddy #1 looks appealing. You might be feeling a little dependent and needy, and who could fault you for wanting a family with a mum and a dad to parent these two babies? However, none of those things make it OK to deprive yourself of a healthy relationship with a man who respects you and your kids and knows how to be a loving, supportive adult. You don’t owe this guy a thing. You owe yourself and your kids everything. Be careful. Be strong. And don’t settle for less than what you and your babies deserve! That’s my advice.

Anne

Thank you all for your advice. I am definitely taking it all on board.

Anne, he is actually the father of my 6 month old daughter.
I spoke with my mum and she said she is worried that he may try some attention seeking behavior that could compromise the kids safety. She wouldn't specify further but he did have 2 car accidents within 2 wks (wrote off both our cars) and I dont think my mum believed they truely were "accidents"

As for the photos, he didnt show anyone but they really were degrading. Some where similar to what drunk teenages do to there mates who pass out. He also took photos of my breasts when i fell asleep breast feeding. Photos where his penis was about to poke me in the face etc... They werent simply for pleasure, plus he did have some provocative photos that we discussed and I had agreed to. But he knew the boundrys! I found a hidden file on his computer with about 40 images and I dont think he would of stopped had I not found them.

U are also spot on about the mental illness, I really shouldnt put any stock behind it. Thanks for pointing that out.

Anyway, I'm still not sure what to do about him but I am not letting that stop me from living my life. Not quite ready to date yet tho lol.

elle

Elie, I take back what i said about the photos. What you're talkin' about is porn, plain and simple. And the penis in the face photo? Big time controlling behavior. Creepy, controlling behavior.

If he had 2 accidents within 2 weeks, either he's a helluva bad driver, seeking suicide or wants lots of attention. In any case, I'm sure you don't let your kids in the car with him driving, right?

Inasmuch as he's the father of the little one and not the 4-year-old (sorry about that confusion on my part), there's absolutely no reason for him to have any interaction with the 4 year old at all, right? Now that's a relief!

Hang in there!

Anne