I have no friends or social circle. what do I do?

I'm already in my early 30s and have noticed that most people around me have a circle of friends but I don't! I havent had one since college 10 years ago.

While others go out for drinks and watch sports on saturday night I am left home to watch TV alone. No one ever invites me to parties, either.

When younger I was a very shy only child and withdrawn and felt socially awkward. I never hung out with the kids outside of school. Rather than putting me in sports my parents insisted I study and be a good student. Now it seems that approach has made it worst because I have trouble being a team-player because I honestly just dont know how!

I really want to make good friends and find my life partner and not be a weirdo who lives with his cats at age 40. ANY ADVICE?

I by no means am a social butterfly, but with the friends I DO have I had to put myself out there. No one was going to come knocking on my door. I'm 48 and have no friends from high school (which is fine by me!!)I think with the friends I DO have, I met by happenstance. Sitting on the park bench, hanGing out at the book store, in church--wherever you happen to meet potential friends I wish you luck in your journey.

Hi Anthony

I've read many of your Posts, and I can certainly identify with many of your concerns. In theory as I read your Posts, it's as if I had travelled back in time and written them myself. In many ways I was so very much like you, and in some ways maybe still am, to some degree.

I just want you to know that you are NOT the only prson out there that has had many of the same thoughts, fears, and experiences like you have. I'm 57 years old, and really just wondering where my life went, it's like I blinked my eyes, and last I remember I was only about 25, lol.

Now, here I am, no longer that shy awkward guy, and wondering how to be this 'new' me, that at times I don't even recognize.

Unlike you however, I eventually became an alcoholic, thinking that booze would help be a more social person. Yeah - right. By the time I got up enough courage to even talk to a gal, I was so drunk, I was stumbling all over the place.

You're gonna do alright, you just need to gain a new perspective in your thinking, as I see it. Being in a relationship isn't going to fix things for ya. Neither will getting a fantastic great job. Nor will having a bunch of friends to hang around with. How can I say such things, I don't even know you, right? Wrong, 'cause see, I'm talking to myself, wishing that I had grasped a new way of thinking, when I was younger.

Well then how can I say that those things aren't going to 'fix' your life? Because, if one's thnking doesn't change, then, you're just gonna lose them within a few years of having all that great stuff. Because you're thinking processes didn't change to keep pace with all of that great social stuff. I know from experience, I couldn't keep any of it, even tho my booze haze told me things were fantastic, because I finally had that great gal, a good paying job, and (people who I thought were) great friends.

In fact, I had all the things that would make a person feel successful, several times during my life. It's really devastating to lose all that several times. Makes ya feel even worse about yourself than you think is even possible.

Anthony, having it all is NOT going to fix a thing about you. Sure, for a time, life is absolutely wonderful, when it all is a part of your life.
RETHINK, it's not the perks of life that make you, you. It is learning to have qualities about yourself, that you want, and desire, and DESERVE.

You deserve those thing in life, not beacause thay make your life somehow 'better', but because they 'enhance' your life. I realize that this is a very fine line, but the difference is vast.

When those things bgin returning to my life this time, I will know that they do not make me who I am. But, that I have worked, and learned about myself enough to finally understand that such thing are the results of what I have become, and NOT the cause of who I have become.

Am I making any sense at all in what I say? If not, it's okay, because I never would've listened to some old hippie spoutin' off seeming nonsense either. LOL.
Now if only I could somehow begin to grasp the possibilities, much as I am just beginning to grasp them now.

Every day, in every way, I am getting better, and better. Because I want to get better, and am learning how to do so.

you're really not alone in this.

PM me anytime

Hi anthony81,

I haven't seen you around before, so welcome Ive experienced extreme periods of loneliness in my life - i have a very small family, and most of my friends either didn't live any where near me or didn't go to the same school i was at. I gradually got used to it and began to enjoy my own company to a degree but it doesn't hurt sometimes to get out there and enjoy doing something you love. Joining a club or doing sports activities would be the obvious suggestion but what about learning a new skill? could you join a church or maybe do voluntary work in your spare time? Could you maybe explain your situation to a close friend and see if their able to help you integrate back into a social group? I think if you distract yourself by getting out of the house and into something physical and exciting you'll feel less lonely and who knows, you'll probably meet a load of great new people along the way. Im free to PM anytime and im also on chat if you wanna talk there. I hope you meet some nice people here, we're a friendly bunch and just want to help. I wish you all the best

Nothing much to say other than I can completely relate. My social circle consists of two friends, both of whom have families and children and lives, limiting the time I see them. Working hard to be comfortable with myself and where I am, and hoping that once that happens, I'll be more comfortable in the social world. Just know you are not alone.

Thanks for the advice.

I tried church groups and lately I'm going to the gym and pool. However some days I feel 'inadequate' and insecure. I am very scrawny and brutally out of shape so sometimes it feels uncomfortable in groups where there are the typical "alpha" males and females. you know what I mean? I also seem to have a low-key, feminine-sounding voice for some reason so it makes me more insecure. I even signed up for Meetup.com but never actually followed through with going to events.

Is there something wrong with me mentally?

I noticed I'm very uncomfortable around guys particularly.. perhaps the inadequacy or a feeling that I cant compete with them. But then when I talk to girls I start turning into their 'gay best friend' even though Im straight.. so not what I want!

I remember a girl in a bar once asked me "so are you gay?"
I dont think I went to a bar again for a long time

Im really sorry to hear you feel inadequate sometimes. Society has some pretty strange ideas about whats considered desirable or attractive. I can totally relate to the skinny thing - im very tall but only 105 pounds so i constantly felt like i didn't fit in growing up. Please know though that a lot of women aren't into the 'alpha' male types - im personally not into really muscly men, i look totally weird next to them!! Humans come in all shapes and sizes its just sad we don't live in a society thats accepting of this. Its greaet you're getting out there though and making good use of your time. Even if you don't meet many new people at least you're learning new skills and getting in shape - we all need to be occupied and it sounds like you just need to keep at it. Again i wish you all the best.

One easy way to find a social circle, if only a temporary one is to join a meetup group on meetup.com

You can search by interest and go out with a bunch of people with similar interests and hopefully you will make friends this way. If nothing else it will get you out and about on a saturday night.

Good luck.

I did sign up for Meetup but never got myself to actually go to one.

I really dont know where I fit in.. I'm extremely scrawny so I always feel like people are staring at my bone-thin arms at the beach or the gym. Its also hard to play sports with male social groups or hang at the bar with "alphas".

I dont really agree completely with any one political side either. And I studied liberal arts in college so apparently even then I didnt have a clear direction but a smattering of many things.

So, friend, I honestly don't know where I would really fit in socially.

There are social phobia meet up groups, there could be one in your area, and rather than being full of 'alphas', there will be people with similar anxieties to your own there who will understand your shyness and won't pressure you into socialising any more than you want to.

I am almost 30 and i don't have any friend either....I had anxiety problem since i was in school.Now i am better,but i can't find any like minded people.Anyway...i don't care about it.

Like many have already posted, your situation mirrors mine. I'm 28 and don't have a social group to speak of either. Not since college, at least. I always felt like I had to be the "funny one" in our circle of friends. So when I became severely depressed, I would drink to make myself back into that person. And that's the thing. You're not the same person once you become depressed. At least personally, I don't think I am. You just need to find a friend that can get to know the new you. You'll be okay. Do you live alone, or have roommates?

Sorry for bumping this, but I have no friends (obviously) and I choose not to have any. Because whatever I do to have friends, I just come off as shallow and desperate. Who wants to be friends with such people? I am the worst person you'll ever meet... FACT

Oh look, I admit I am seeking attention as I write this... And at the same time telling others not to bother about me. That's why...

I think that if you want to be social, you need to be the one to start the conversation. I have expected others to seek me out but they never do. Unless you approach them, they will never show up in front of you.

I am brand new here....but, i think is a perfect way to answer this question as i needed to hear it. Thanks so much

Join a club, particularly a club that revolves around an activity you find interesting. This way, you'll be among people with whom you share a common interest. Do not join an online club, as this may exacerbate your problems.

I tend to move often, so it isn't uncommon for me to find myself in a position where I'm The Outsider. And while my initial reaction is to push away anyone who tries to get too friendly with me, I have found that social and extreme sport clubs are the best way to meet new people that don't irritate me as much as my average neighbor does.

I agree. I have made a lot of great friends based on clubs and activities that I am interested in.