[harriet]

I am so desperate right now..... and I dont have anybody to turn to. I am a mom of 2 (4 and 5 years) and my husband and I have had problems like all couples but last week he told me that he was deppresed because of me....for me things were good...apparently he is being feeling like this for a long time but he was keeping it from me because he was scare.
A little background... my husband life is, go to work and then come home to play in the computer until 3 am. As you may guess I have asked him for time for me and for his kids.... but he is in 1 day and the 4 days out in his own world. I have to wake up early and take the kids to school and pick them, I have to go to work (8-5 and up) and I have to take care of all the house shores and decisions......now he says that I dont take into consiferation his opinion, actually I always ask but he jusr shrug....I have always whish he can be a little more decided.....lately I admit I have stop asking. I usually go to the computer room to talk but he doesnt focus on what I say , This have been and eternal fight for me, with only temporary improvement and worst drawbacks
I have a bad temper and altough I try to control myself I accept I have said so many things that hurt him really bad, I have accepted all the bad thing I have done, I accpet full responsibility (although there are many things that are a result of his indifference and his absence, not physically but emotional. We have been very good friends so it is a very special relationship. Right now he feels very depressed and that hes eing manipulated. I feel betray because he kept all this from me. I love him so much, all this week I have thought about the things I have done and accept my respoinsibility I feel asshamed of myself because I am a good person and I have always wanted the best for him... I wanted to protect him because he had a bad childhood, sometime he just doesnt allow me to love him which is very frustrating) After thinking I am willing to change I mean I know what I hve done wrong and I know I wouldn't want those things to be done to me....... but I yet dont know if he is willing to give me a chance. I am hurt because I don't want to loose him, I want to love him and show him that I have tasted what is to loose him and I dont want that, I am decided to do whatever it takes to fight for our love, for our family but I am afraid he thinks it is too late. This past week I have being so deppresed, the way he takes his depression is spending all the time in the computer, so I feel so alone, hiding my feelings because of my kids and because I dont want to rush him

He is my love, I still day dream about him and it kills me that I hurt him....

On top of things I was interviewing for a new job and didnt get it. So I am about to burst..... and dont have anybody to talk too.

[Maven]

My boyfriend doesn't focus on me when he's on the computer, either. He goes to work and then comes home and plays games and stuff on the computer, usually. I know how that feels. But he doesn't tell me I make him depressed. Your husband blaming you for his depression is wrong. He's being manipulative and not taking responsibility. He needs to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist. And I think you two could benefit from marriage counseling. But if he refuses to get help, you can't do anything about that. You can only help yourself, and give him what help he allows. Don't blame yourself for his depression.

[razeljenny]

I'm glad you are in love. In these mucky times that he chooses to take flight in, you could do special projects for happiness for yourself. Take special time to treat yourself to a special gift that he would give you but can't because he is depressed, (tell yourself he would want you to have that special thing if he was feeling better) Celebrate how good you are and how much you know that he know that you are really a great love in his life. Remember that marriage is a project anyway and there are throw away projects (days that suck and need trash can) Most the time good comes back once more, same as summer comes again and ice goes away. This storm will end but let yourself treat you good, through out the dispair he is going through. I think the first 4 years of marriage are the most crummy for testing of the emotional wires of a couple in love. The drum beats have to be understood. He has his rythem and you have yours but the key it to get to know the usual ups and downs and the heartbeat of the marriage than in year 5 you got it down, if you haven't gotten the divorce an or killed eachother!

[Rhapsody]

Guys NEVER focus on any one when they are on the computer or watching TV.... they are in their entertainment box and they will not be able to give unto another until they leave that box and close its door.
Men compartmentalizing life and they can only take care of one box at a time.... there life is like a waffle and they will not (cannot) look into another square (box) when active in another one.... they have a different box for everything in their life - - - Work, Love, Friends, Family, Sex, Wife, Kids, Recreation, Relationships, Problems, Stress, Sleep (etc).

It sounds to me that your husband is depressed, hence therefore spending hours at a time on the computer and not giving to you or the kids (he is hiding).... and since guys do not like to fail he is placing the entire blame on you instead taking some of it upon his own head..... where it rightfully belongs.

Try checking this site out.... I think it will help you and him to understand each other and the needs you have as a man and as a woman.
LINK: http://4-womenonly.com/home.aspx

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Lexicon78]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much right now.

After reading your post and your statement that you two are very good friends...well, it sounds very contradicting. It sounds as if he's not being a very good friend at all and that he just wants to push you away right now.

His depression is not your fault, and yes, it sounds very manipulative to tell you that it's all your fault. No matter what you've done in the past it doesn't mean he has the right to blame you for everything. He has responsibilities, too. And it sounds like he's refusing all responsibility in this situation.

My dad has always raised me that relationships take two and that things are to be shared. Now with that base to go on, it sounds as if this relationship is very one-sided. I mean you're doing all the work here...where is his effort to do anything but work and surf the net?

I would suggest couples therapy, definitely.

Hang in there.

[PsychStudent74]

You wrote........ but last week he told me that he was deppresed because of me.... In the book Bounderies (that is a awesome book) Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend wrote " Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries. Just as home owners set physical propert lines around their lands, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual bounderies for our lives to help us destinguish what is our responsibility and what isn't."
My husband has started working out of town also and it is very hard on our relationship exspecially since it's not all that anyway. You feel like you are alone and think hmm maybe I would like it like this all the time? Maybe that is how he is feeling not realizing that it's not a true feeling because he has a family waiting on him and he isn't single. Alot of times I feel detached from my husband when he is gone and when we argue on the phone it makes me want to be detached, but in the same breath when he is coming home I make sure he has no worries. The house is clean, bills are paid, dogs are bathed, all the laundry is clean folded and put away. I will also do a little something special for him. Last time he was home he called me when he was about 5 minutes from the house and I had him a relaxing bubble bath run w/ candles and wrote I love you w/ my red lipstick on the mirror. I made him feel like I really missed him and it shows gratitude for the sacrifices he is making everyday when he is away from his family.
POINT: You are not responsible for his feelings, he is. Try to be the best wife possible w/ out crossing your own bounderies. Make him ache to be home w/ his family! All you can do is your part. You can't make him change. I love to say SURRENDER-TRUST! Surrender it to God and trust in him to handle it.

Hope everything works out