[Wyrd One]

I've been with my wife nearly 11 years, married for the last 3. She's a 2nd year surgical resident and works 80+ hours a week and is under tremendous stress. She's a very strong and independant person. I'm a programmer, with a normal 9-5 job, and I literally almost never have any real stress in my life. Until recently everything seemed to just go my way.

I had some bad relationships in the past. My first real girlfriend was emotionally abusive, kissing other men right in front of me, contantly keeping me in a state of being one of 2-4 men she was trying to "choose" between, and basically walking all over me. After 2 months of that I finally got some self-esteem and broke it off with her. I never really dealth with that because...

Literally the next day I met another girl and we fell for each other. We were together for 4.5 years until one day she told me she was done with me. She met a new friend at work, and 3 days later she broke it off with me. It was completely out of the blue for me. I thought everything was great, but to be fair she was only 15 and a half when we met, and she'd never been with anyone else. It didn't make the end any easier. After that I was single for about a year and a half.

When my current wife and I met it just felt right from the start. We got along so easily, we could each be ourselves and we were so in love, and so happy. That lasted nealry the entire 11 years.

In August I went out to my parent's place to watch their house for them for a week and while I was gone my wife had a party with her fellow residents. She drank a little too much and ended up taking one of the resident's porches for a joy ride. She crashed into a telephone pole (they're okay), got a DUI, and has to attend what are essentially AA meetings (she is not at all an alcoholic) and submit to random drug tests, possibly daily, for the next year or two just so the hospital can cover their @$$. Neadless to say, this all added tons of new stress to her life.

When I got back she seemed like a changed woman. She told me she realized that we'd been growing apart for awhile, which was completely out of the blue for me (again). Everything was great before I left, and when I got back it suddenly wasn't anymore.

She's had an extremely hard road to get where she is today and she feels like she's been growing and I've just stayed in the same position. I'm very empathetic, and when we got together I gave over my mind, body, and soul to her. I wrapped myself so tightly into her that I kind of lost my own sense of self, while at the same time, was smothering her and leaning heavily on her for own sense of happiness and worth.

She said it was finally too much for her and she feels like she wants a more equal partner. Someone she can talk to, and argue with, who won't simply shut down or retreat as if they're being yelled at.

Those are fair arguments I've come to realize. I did lose my self worth, and I spent so much of my time worrying about her needs, and her happiness, that I neglected myself.

So at this point we still love each other a lot. She just doesn't feel "as in love with me" as she used to. She's leaning towards a trial separation which completely scares me. I'm not sure if that's something we can come back from.

I've been seeing a therapist for the past 3 weeks and I've come a very long way. I'm able to sit with my wife now and talk, like adults, and we do that very frequently now. I'm also working on giving myself a little more attention. What do I want? What do I need? I honestly haven't thought about that for a decade and I'm having some trouble figuring that out... but I'm working on it.

If anyone has any insight, any experiences like this, stories of couples going through the same thing, or any words of wisdom, I could certainly use them right now.

I'm so scared I'll lose the love of my life. It's not entirely fair that she ask me to change myself, but at the same time, I think she's right that I do need to develop my "self". She wants a more equal partner, she wants an individual with their own opinions and interests. I can understand that. It pains me that I haven't been providing that to her. It sounds like it would good for me and our relationship if I can manage to find that again. I fear it may not be enough though.

[Anika.]

You don't know what will happen unless you try right?

I broke up with my long term boyfriend, and to him it seemed out of the blue. To me it did not. I had presented him with the same issues many times, and he seemed to ignore what I said, even when I said it was going to end our relarionship. I was not asking him to change as a person, but we both had some issues we needed to work on to make this relationship healthier.

We were apart for 2 and a half months. In that time, we both realized how much we wanted it to work. We both took repsonsability and made some changes that we needed to make. We are still working on changes, but I think thats a lifenlong thing, as people are always chaning and growing. We have talked about it and both agree that the sepearation, for us was a good thing. Our relationship is now stronger, and healthier than before. We also no longer take each other for granted.

So it can and sometimes does workout. Hopefully, this can be something that can serve to strengthen your relationship as well. Have you talked to her about how you feel about the trial seperation idea? Have you thought about what you would like to see happen, or a plan or idea that you have? Usually the problems do not rest soley on one person in a relationship or marriage, so she may have some work to do herself.

You said you have been seeing a therapist, which is great. Maybe tho you both should be, marriage couselling might be a very good idea.

I wish the best of luck with this. And keep reaching out for suport here, it' a hard situation, but I am glad you are working on your needs and wants as well.

[Wyrd One]

It's true, I don't know what will happen... I guess that's part of what scares me. I don't want to accept that this is my only option. I feel like it's being forced on me. Her feelings towards our relationship changed and now she wants to try a separation... I simply have to accept it. Doesn't feel fair I guess.

She gave me no indication that things were bothering her... I guess she didn't realize it either until the DUI incident, but it'd been lurking in her subconcious so it isn't as much of a shock to her. There was never any indication that she might end our relationship if I didn't change things... I just feel completely blindsided and now it's basically over from out of nowhere.

For now I personally want to just keep working on myself, talking to the therapist, and getting better at talking, (really talking), to my wife. This is all new to me. We never truly "talked" to each other for the past 11 years, but now we're doing it more than ever. I guess I'm hoping I can keep making these rapid changes, and show her that this can work out after all, without basically giving up on the marriage for a couple of months.

We've discussed the separation idea a bit. Nothing in detail, just general feelings about the idea. I told her I didn't think I was strong enough yet to handle that, and I think that's true. I was walking around our house last night trying to imagine her things gone, the house empty of her presence, and it didn't go over too well. I guess I'm hoping it won't become necessary. In my mind it's a last resort.

I'm demonstrating that I'm working my butt off trying to change and help our relationship. When I asked her what she's doing on her end she said was trying to organize her thoughts and remain patient. It doesn't feel equal, but at the same time, I don't have any real complaints about her. I loved her the way she was, for who she was.

She's kind of against therapy right now due to this forced AA-like program she has to go to... but she said she would go with me to a session if I thought it would help. I feel like she may have given up all hope at this point and believes the only thing that can help us now is to not be together any more, and then possibly find our way back to each other again at some undetermined point in the future.

[morelater]

I had something of a similar situation, and it's not a success story. But I think you're doing the right thing by going to therapy and learning how to communicate better.

About a year ago, my wife of 8 years finally brought to my attention that she was unhappy in the relationship. By the time she told me, though, it turned out she had been unhappy for a long time and suffering in silence – and I didn't have a clue. When she finally was able to articulate it, I tried to make changes, and we went to couples' therapy, but the changes didn't happen quickly enough for her. She was already emotionally drained when we started working on it, so she left me in fairly short order.

I've read that women are usually more attuned to the emotional health of relationships, and while that may be true, I really wish my wife had been more direct instead of hiding her feelings from me for so long. While I certainly have my faults, I think she had always been afraid of, or unable to expressing her emotions effectively, and I consider myself a fairly sensitive person.

Anyway, stay strong, and do this for yourself at least as much as for your wife. Also, have a look at "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and see how much of this applies to you.

Hi Wyrd One - To me it simply sounds as though you've outgrown each other, she clearly has a lot to deal with and if she isn't sure about the relationship anymore then something has to give otherwise she could risk going under and losing everything. If shes working 80+ hours a week i presume you don't see much of each other as it is? It seems a shame that after 11 years she's decided you aren't 'equal' anymore - what does that even mean? Surely two extremely ambitious, high powered, dominant people wouldn't go together quite as well as she thinks? There is always an alpha in a relationship and if she can't handle being in a relationship with you is it likely she'd be able to cope with someone even more confidant? To me it doesn't quite make sense. It does however sound like shes confused and needs some time to herself. I completely understand about you saying you've lost your sense of self - its very important you continue to attend therapy and work on yourself and what you want from life. Do you think she is willing - or even has the time - to commit to therapy? I don't think its right for her to string you along, if this has come pretty much out of the blue its likely shes had these feelings for a while but simply hasn't quite known what to do about it. I would state outright you are willing to work on improving the relationship but that you are you and you cannot suddenly morph into a different person. If she is commited to making a conservative effort to improve things, i.e. wanting to go to therapy because SHE wants too and she realises things won't change over night, by all means stick with it, otherwise i would leave now before she runs out of even more patience. Hope ive been helpful. All the best.

Originally Posted by Wyrd One

I'm so scared I'll lose the love of my life. It's not entirely fair that she ask me to change myself, but at the same time, I think she's right that I do need to develop my "self". She wants a more equal partner, she wants an individual with their own opinions and interests. I can understand that. It pains me that I haven't been providing that to her. It sounds like it would good for me and our relationship if I can manage to find that again. I fear it may not be enough though.

I started a longer post reply but it was overkill.

Simply put, what I see in your final statements is that you're still in a mindset of what she wants over you. Stop and think very deeply about what you want, not what she wants for you. Not what you want to do for her, but what do you really want, separate from her (not separate as in without her but individually).

I hope this makes sense. I know it does in my head.

I feel for you. I too am a guy that did the same thing with my wife (separated, getting divorced) for 13 years.

[Wyrd One]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I started a longer post reply but it was overkill.

Simply put, what I see in your final statements is that you're still in a mindset of what she wants over you. Stop and think very deeply about what you want, not what she wants for you. Not what you want to do for her, but what do you really want, separate from her (not separate as in without her but individually).

I hope this makes sense. I know it does in my head.

I feel for you. I too am a guy that did the same thing with my wife (separated, getting divorced) for 13 years.

You're right, I am still there. This is a recent revelation and I'm just starting to change my line of thinking. I am learning to recognize when I'm thinking "her" or "us" too much and am instead figuring out how to ask "what do I want?".

I am now working to reclaim my individuality and if that helps to save my marriage that's great, but if it does not it's still something I need to do for myself anyway.