[xxKaneLovesZoexx]

Hi Everyone, I'm in need of some help, again.

A year ago my girlfriend was invited for 'coffee' with her work friend. As she didn't know what 'coffee' was intended, she willingly said she would. I found out and we argued and fought, and she still said she would. I was admitted into ICU for Attempted Suicide. I just couldn't be bothered and I decided if this was going to happen, then I was going to leave. Anyway, she realized about half a year after it meant that. So we were okay, until I came to a coffee shop. I actually refused to go in, I hate coffee now and thinking about it kills me..

And then there was a holiday. I stick to my promises more than anything, they're what I live by, my girlfriend know's it too. She was then invited on going on holiday with her college friends as they were leaving College to go to Uni. I said I didn't want her going as I knew she'd disappoint me, but fine, she went. And sure enough she got drunk on her second day, and she told me many hurtful things. Now I cannot bare thinking about holidays, or even thinking about Alcohol, I hate her going out now, and even worse hate her going out with her friends. But I just still try and let her get on with it.

What do I do?

[Leed]

You've got to stop being so possessive. You're pushing her away. If you keep trying to stop her from enjoying her life, she's going to leave -- and it will be back to where you were with your ex -- dumped.

You need to see a therapist and see what it is about why you're so possessive and controlling. Obviously it has to do with haing been left by girls before, but even before that -- were there issues in your childhood where you felt abandoned? Your therapist can help you deal with those issues, should there be any -- or perhaps you've forgotten them, and the therapist can help you remember them and THEN deal with them. But this controlliing of people has got to stop. I know you don't WANT to be like this. It doesn't do a relationship any good. So talk to a therapist -- you won't regret it.

I wish you the very best. Keep us posted, ok? God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

Im not sure ive interpreted your post correctly but are you saying you feel insecure about how your girlfriend behaves when you aren't with her? The reality of the situation is that no matter who you are with, relationships don't define people - we all have a right to lead a life outside the one we lead with our partner. I would definately seek professional help so that you have a better chance of being able to manage your anxieties and maintain healthy, fulfilling relationships. All the best.

[xxKaneLovesZoexx]

I've been hurt before, yes. The problem is I simply cannot stand the thought of her being with anyone but me.

[Emotionally Dead]

While what everyone is saying on here is mostly true, I understand how you feel. I was never possessive, or even insecure, until I fell in love with my ex. I had been with plenty of other girls before her, and never worried about what they were doing when I wasn't around them. It was different wth her, because not only was I actually IN love with her, but we were in Online relationship. After meeting and then having to leave until I got a Visa, being away from each other was devastating. We both had abandonment issues and were insecure. So it actually worked out better for us, for a while. Problem was she trusted me more than I trusted her. But truth be told, I loved her more than she loved me. Go figure.

There isn't anything wrong with you, you just have an abandonment issue and you are in love. I learned my lesson, so fix it. Get help, or help yourself, whatever you have to do. What you have to ask yourself is this - is being paranoid and insecure worth losing the one you love? It isn't fun, I can tell you. Hold on to her for dear life, enjoy the time you have with her and live your own life away from her as she does away from you.

I don't know you, but from the way you talk, you may have BPD. It causes anxiety and depression and one of the main traits is abandonment issues. It is highly underdiagnosed, and the way your memory works with hating things that you associate badly in your memory is also connected with it. Can't hurt to check it out and see if it seems to fit.

[whatbeanbelieved]

Originally Posted by xxKaneLovesZoexx

Hi Everyone, I'm in need of some help, again.

A year ago my girlfriend was invited for 'coffee' with her work friend. As she didn't know what 'coffee' was intended, she willingly said she would. I found out and we argued and fought, and she still said she would. I was admitted into ICU for Attempted Suicide. I just couldn't be bothered and I decided if this was going to happen, then I was going to leave. Anyway, she realized about half a year after it meant that. So we were okay, until I came to a coffee shop. I actually refused to go in, I hate coffee now and thinking about it kills me..

And then there was a holiday. I stick to my promises more than anything, they're what I live by, my girlfriend know's it too. She was then invited on going on holiday with her college friends as they were leaving College to go to Uni. I said I didn't want her going as I knew she'd disappoint me, but fine, she went. And sure enough she got drunk on her second day, and she told me many hurtful things. Now I cannot bare thinking about holidays, or even thinking about Alcohol, I hate her going out now, and even worse hate her going out with her friends. But I just still try and let her get on with it.

What do I do?

I'm not sure what you can do exactly, but as I was reading your post, it seemed to be that a lot the causes of your behaviour are, according to you, the behaviour of your girlfriend/. As in, she does something, and it "makes" you do something/feel something/etc. I'm not sure how this will land with you, but I do think somewhere we need to distinguish between the triggers of our emotions/behaviours and the causes. The triggers can be external, but the CAUSE is internal. So I would ask you, where in your life you've learned that hurting yourself is punishment for others? Or, where you've learned that someone else has the power to disappoint you?

Just... tossing in a few questions and thoughts. Really hoping everything works out. Hugs and love..

[whatbeanbelieved]

Also paranoia and possessiveness are not love - they are symptoms of a crisis internally. I will also say they are NATURAL reactions to the THOUGHT that you are being abandoned by someone you love. So paranoia and possessiveness do not negate that you love and are loved, but they really colour the relationship differently.

What I'm suggesting is, you have needs that are basic and human - to be loved, to be cherished, to love, to care for, connection, acceptance, etc. But you alone are responsible for fulfilling these needs. If this relationship doesn't meet your needs, you need to perhaps question yourself a little about why you're in it. At the same time, you are responsible for the symptoms of unmet needs - fear of abandonment, paranoia, etc. Those also come from you. And you can choose to meet these head on.

Hug!

[shezbut]

Hi Kane,

I do remember you from a while back. You posted about your gf going out for coffee with a male co-worker/friend of hers, which really upset you! Is that accurate? I believe that I posted back to you, but I can't recall the advice I gave to you ~ I'll have to look back and post again.

BBL!

[shezbut]

Okay Kane ~ I'm back...

I responded to a post of your back in February. You were suffering from jealousy from an event that occurred a few months before, but had recently been diagnosed with BPD. Posting this Q in the BPD forum may be a little more helpful to you in the future, as we have a different perspective towards issues like these when the person does have BPD (or manic-depression & is in the Bipolar forum, etc..).

Those of us w/BPD, like myself, are known to be extremists. Whatever we do or don't believe isn't half-arsed, it's whole-hearted! That can be seen as a little sweet to some people at times. A lot of other times, however, we're seen as a PIA. They don't want to give in to our paranoia, in fear of reinforcing it.

I KNOW how hard it is to let your gf do what she wants ~ but, she's going to do what she wants anyway. Letting your gf know how paranoid you are is sure to push her away farther. I also know how miserable it feels to let her go to clubs and parties. Especially because you don't drink & you know how people often get when drinking. It's pretty damn scary!! But, if you try to hold your gf down, she will resist more and more. She needs some space and trust. Even if you have to chomp down on a carrot stick, to prevent yourself from blurting out hurtful accusations...If you're determined to be with your gf, you're going have to give her a little more space. You should be working with a T & try to get into a group therapy for more experience and better insight.

I wish you the very best!! Gentle hugs to you, Kane.