[wounded1]

I recently had a member tell me she believed that it wasn't possible for people to change, at least those who have inflicted emotional, psychological or physical abuse on another person. I am posting my reply to that here:

I don't know if I agree with you. I come from an extremely disfunctional backround and was very unhealthy mentally into my early twenties. I woke up one day and decided I needed to get well, and change as a person, and I did. But it was because I had a strong Mom, who although she was part of the original problems, helped me work through the family issues I needed to deal with. She listened, even when she didn't want to hear what I was saying. I was able to put my childhood in perspective, deal with it and move on.

I think those you have counselled, or have had experience with have all lacked the one thing necessary for emotional healing and change, honest support from someone else. My husband has moved back into the house (in the spare bedroom, I have no plans to reconcile now or in the future at this point), at my request. The second night after I asked him to move out, he showed up the next day reeking of alcohol. Since drinking had been an issue in his past, my anger was quickly replaced with fear. He really doesn't have the "tools" necessary, or even know how to start, dealing with his mental issues. He just runs away. We have talked for hours in the last week, more than we have in the last six months. I have opened doors to some of his closets, and made him look inside. I have always known what drives his bad behaviors, and pointed out various things over the years, but it's only now, when he knows he's lost me, that he is ready to face his demons.

I realize a lot of women would think that I am crazy for helping him, one of my best friends told me just that on the phone yesterday. But my logic is this. The hurt I have to deal with by having him here is far less than the hurt I would have to face telling my son, who is madly in love with him, that Daddy isn't coming home, in jail or so strung out on drugs that he can't see him. I owe it to my children to try and stop him from self destructing. I am the only person in his life with whom he has an even remotely honest relationship. And although if I had no children I'd probably tell him to "go have a nice life", I have to do what's best for the kids. We chose to have them, they didn't choose us, so I want them to have great people in their life, emotionally healthy people.

Back to the point, do I think he will change? I don't know, but I know he wants to. For now, that is what I am working with. And if he can even correct some, or most of his bad behaviors, he will be a far better parent to my kids.

wounded1

[walkswithspiritbear]

Well you answered your own question wounded1... i am certainly hoping for the best for you. But remember that staying together just for the kids is not always the best policy either. I have seen that totally ruin children whose parents stayed together until the children would be old enough to understand.. well that never happens. Until they get into relationships of their own then maybe some understanding can be had.. I wish again I knew what more to say to you feel free to pm me if you would like to chat...sounds like a rough time right now for you..take care and know that someone cares for you out in cyber world here. Take care, Linda

[wounded1]

Hi Spirit, thank you for your kind words on both of my posts.

I have no intention of staying with him for the kids, just long enough to help him on his way to dealing with his issues. In the meantime, I have to decide what I want, if I believe he is capable of loving me the way I deserve to be. I am creating a new life for myself, financially, and otherwise, knowing that there may come a time in the near future when I need to walk away. I have to make sure I am able to look after my boys on my own if the need arises.

I come from a single parent Mother who never remarried, and only had one boyfriend for a few years. I have no fear of being alone, nor do I "need" a man in my life. I didn't get married until I was 31, and actually preferred being single. But, I married my husband because I thought I had found true love. It's a hard thing to deal with when you realize it wasn't "true" after all. None the less, love isn't a switch you can turn off and on either, I still love him, in spite of what's happened.

Thanks again for your words of comfort.

wounded1

[walkswithspiritbear]

I am so glad that I know a bit more about you right now. You sound level headed and above all mature. I am so glad that you are even able to support yourself and your children. I wasn't and that has taken its toll on my life. Whole nother soap opera there.... Anytime you need or just want someone to talk with I am pretty much available... sad sounding as that is, my shoulder can carry alot of weight.. please remember that.. when you need a friend. Take care and you know what? I think you are going to get through all of this and end up feeling so good and being happy... just a feeling. Take care and talk with ya later Linda

[Lexicon78]

To answer the original question...Can a person change?

Sadly, only if they really want to.

[Zen888]

In my own experience having an abusive alcoholic father .... I would have thanked my mom a trillion times if she left him and gave us better life.

Stop the unnecessary pain and anguish for your children. The affects of living with an alcholic parent are life long even if they aren't apparent right away. Please give your children a safe and happy future.

Dubz

[Sabrina]

After spending years trying to get my abusive, drug taking ex-husband to change, I realized one day that he wasn't going to. Ever. I divorced him when our baby was just 6 months old. It was one of the most traumatic times in my life.

I learnt two important lessons. One was to stop trying to change other people and the second was that he had no desire to change despite his promises.

Despite that, I do believe people can change, but it usually takes a life-changing event and of course a deep desire to want to change before the change can start.

[wounded1]

I agree with you all, alcohol or substance dependence holds a grip on person tighter than anything, I have seen examples of it. Addiction is a poison that can ruin love, and life. It is almost impossible for one in the grips of it to ever break free and change.

In my case, thankfully, my husband is not an addict, just a man who comes from a really screwed up past who let it consume him and manifest itself as really bad behaviors. But, the same rules apply, in order to change, someone has to want to change, you can't do it for them. My husbands life changing event has been the realization that I have left him (although we live in the same house), he lost his wife, which I believe he never thought would really happen.

Will this be enough for him to make all the right changes? I still don't know. But every day he confronts his past a little more, and is learning that it is OK to be angry, and how to accept all that has happened to him. He is finally taking responsibility for what he has done as well. I told him my hope is that some day he can feel healthy, like we all should.

I honestly don't know if I can ever reconcile, I have my own set of issues to deal with now, but it makes me happy to know that my kids will have a beter person in their life.

wounded1