[wounded1]

I just figured out that my husband of almost four years was having a three month online/text/phone relationship with a woman he met online (although I "knew" all along). I found some of the emails, and it was extremely sexually explicit. Our sex life had always been "amazing" as he put it, and I was naive enough to think I was all he needed. I know why it started, I had seperated from him, and told him that I was falling out of love for him and not attracted to him anymore, so he went looking for an ego boost. He continued his realtionship with her even after we reconciled.

For me, it was just the last in a web of lies spun from the beginning of our relationship, and the final straw. He lied about who he was when we met, and just kept lying over the years. He is not the man I thought I married.

Because of my past, I had never trusted any man in my life, until him. The day I said "I do", I gave myself to him, body and soul. But I married a man incapable of loving, and who lost respect for me as soon as I needed him (which was when I was having a bad pregnancy with our first son).

I moved from Canada to Arizona, changed my entire life for him, and now I'm left to start over. I have no family here, and no friends to speak of. I gave up financial stability, and the familiarity of home (although I LOVE living here!), and now I am left feeling lost. Lost, but not afraid.

We have two children, and I willingly quit my $50,000+ a year career to be a stay at home Mom. Now, I am on my way to doing medical transcribing from home, so I don't have to put my boys in daycare, and working toward financial independence from him.

Being at home, however, doesn't give me an opportunity to meet many people, so I am looking for others to talk to here. It's hard when you need someone to talk to in the middle of the day, and there's no one to reach out to. My husband was my best friend, and I think that's the hardest thing of all.

I look forward to hearing from others in my situation, or a similar one. Misery really does love company, but in this sense, it helps deal with the pain

wounded1
Please feel free to drop me a line in my inbox.

wounded1

[ster]

Welcome to the group. I'm sorry you are having problems and have the anger that controls you. The longer you hold onto the anger the longer it will bother you, though I know the feeling. The anger will be a time thing i wish you freedom for yourself as the longer you think of this the more it will bother you and keep you from moving on. if you need to talk you can always PM me.

[wounded1]

Thank you for you kind words. I see I have "views" attached to my post, how do I see them?

wounded1

[BlueFaith]

Hello wounded1, and welcome to Psych Central. It's nice to have you here. I know you will find a lot of understanding and support. I'm sorry things didn't work out well with your husband, and that you were hurt so badly. I am glad that you are at least able to work at home so you can be with your children. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

Oh, and the "Views" you see beside your post... that's just letting you know how many times other members have read the post. Take Care..

Jenn

[wounded1]

Thanks Jenn, that helps.

I have another question to throw out there, I guess it's just part of my process:

Is it possible for a person to change? My husband is begging me not to give up, to give him one more chance, but like I said earlier, he's not the man I thought I married. He says he would like to be that man. His childhood and events in his life have left him so twisted, I don't know if that's possible. He went from telling me I was his perfect woman when we met to lying, cheating and disrespecting me. This behaviour started to happen within our first year of marriage. He never really loved ME, just the idea of me. I've heard "I'll change" from my husband before, so I've told him that I can't be a part of his process, whatever that turns out to be. It hurts too much too get my hopes up and be let down.

Even if it is possible for him to change somewhere down the road, how do I forgive and forget what's happened? I think that if I ever do have a man in my life again, it would be better to start new with someone else. My whole life has been drama and instability, and at 35, I just want some peace in my life.

wounded1

[EJ711]

Wounded -

I don't know what to say other than I will be praying for you. Trust is the basis of a relationship, and when it is broken, it endangers the future of that relationship.

Please let us continue to help you at this difficult time.

Hugs,
EJ

[Lexicon78]

(((((wounded1)))))

[Maven]

Hi wounded1,

I'm sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, it happens to a lot of people, but the bright side of that is that you're not alone.

I think people can change, if they want to. I also think people rarely change. I won't tell you what decision I'd make in your shoes, because I'm not you, but I will tell you that, even if your husband does change, it doesn't obligate you to take him back. Sometimes you just want to start new, not put yourself through the risk of trust again. It's hard to regain trust that's been broken, and while you can do it, you may not want to. Don't feel guilty; you aren't doing anything wrong. You have to do what's right for you. I will say this, though: If you ever decide you want to give him another chance, take it slow. You've been hurt, and you deserve time to feel any step you take is the right one for you, and not be rushed into it.

[walkswithspiritbear]

Sorry wounded to hear about your troubles... The anger may take awhile to get over as after 20 years I still feel mine occasionally rear its ugly head. I even have a wonderful new man in my life.. my ex married whom I thought was my best friend, apparently while she was trying to be my friend and get me out a bit, she had her agenda, love is blind so they say.... anyhooooo.. you will find many on this board that can and will understand what you are going through, including the isolation you are experiencing I also do from being disabled, a whole nother story... gee now that you have heard my life story or least a small part of it I hope I am other members can bring a little light to your day and heart.... Linda

[wounded1]

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to share their words with me. An update:

My husband and I have probably talked more in the last few days than we have in the last six months, and more of the truth is slowly coming out.

I seperated from my husband shortly after the birth of our second son in December. His selfish, self centered behaviour, and lack of respect for me, continued in the pattern that had become an almost measurable cycle in our relationship, and once again I was asking him to get help. I told him for the third time in as many years that his behaviour was making me fall out of love with him, and that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. Although he did go to counselling, this time, instead of trying "to try", I guess he had had enough, and felt that no matter what he did, it wasn't good enough for me. He was ready to leave me for months, but didn't want to, and that's how his long distance " techno affair" evolved. I was shocked to hear this, as I had no idea he was that unhappy. He said rather than having to face his faults, and the demons in the past that they arose from, he just wanted to run away.

New issues stem from this truth as well. We reconciled about five weeks after we seperated, he was already involved with the "other woman", and he continued to talk to her, and exchange sexually explicit emails, even after we started sleeping together again. If he is capable of doing that, I can't see how he can say he loved me, and say that he loves me now. I don't understand how he could talk to her on the phone, walk in our house, and look me in the face. I don't think you can love someone, and yet show a total disregard for their feelings time and time again.

Here is my complex question to you all: Can one person love another, and yet treat them badly at various times? Can someone love someone, and yet not be there for them in times of need? Aren't respect, concern for the other person's well being and happiness all a fundamental part of love? I am really looking for shared experiences here, from both sides. I need to put his all in perspective, I feel like I'm swimming in molasses most of the day, my head is so cloudy. My kids deserve a Mom who is "present".

Thanks,
wounded1

[Maven]

I'm not married or divorced, so I can't share that experience with you, but I just want to say that I believe love means caring and respecting your significant other. It doesn't mean a person doesn't make mistakes sometimes, but it does mean s/he makes an effort to think of the other person much, even most, of the time.

A person might think s/he loves another, when it's really dependency or attachment. S/he might care about the other person, but not enough that the other person is equally as important as him/her. I believe loving another means loving them equally as yourself, or even more. I think you need to love yourself a lot, too, so loving someone but sacrificing yourself completely isn't good.

[walkswithspiritbear]

Wounded1 Your question really isn't that complex? Yes I do believe someone can love someone and not always be there for that person... let me explain a bit of me... I am disabled in a very loving relationship that because of my health issues has had more downs that ups through the years.... the thing is I can't always be there for my man, as much as I love him but and this is a BIG BUT I don't treat him badly.... though I do go through and put him through some trying times, but we still love one another.. as hard as it can be some days... I honestly don't know why he stays with me, I know I can be the royal queen B*** but he loves me he says....
Your situation is totally different though, he is knowingly disrespecting you and your feelings.
and apparently cares not at all. He may love you but he certainly is not showing it with his disrespectful ways.
Maybe it is time to move on, which I really hate to say, but if he is unwilling to face his demons to love you then he just isn't good enough for you . You deserve more than that. If he just wants to run away then he is acting immaturely and needs some help with dealing with life
I really wish I had the right words here because I can feel your confusion so deeply . If I can ever be of any help feel free to pm me even just for a shoulder to cry upon.... I feel kind of helpless right now but I can offer that. Linda