[Rhapsody]

What I Didn't Know About Men
(by) Shaunti Feldhahn

Have you ever been totally confused by something the man in your life has said or done? Have you ever wondered, looking at his rapidly departing back, Why did that make him so angry? Have you ever been perplexed by your husband's defensiveness when you ask him to stop working so much? Yeah? Me too.

But now, after conducting spoken and written interviews with more than one thousand men, I can tell you that the answers to those and dozens of other common perplexities are all related to what is going on in your man's inner life. Most are things he wishes you knew but doesn't know how to tell you. In some cases, they're things he has no idea you don't know.

Lightbulb On! It turned out that these men shared some surprisingly common inner wiring. At their secret inner core, many had similar fears and concerns, feelings and needs.

I discovered that there were many things I thought I understood about men — but really didn't. In several areas, my understanding was purely surface-level. Once I got below the surface and into specifics, everything changes. I felt like a cartoon character who suddenly had a lightbulb over my head.

Even better, it turned out that those revelations were mostly about things that my own husband always wished I knew but couldn't figure out how to explain. And that was a common refrain from most of the men I talked to. Although I still make many mistakes in my relationship with my husband — and will continue to! — finally grasping these things has hopefully helped me to better appreciate and support him in the way that he needs.

I want that lightbulb to go on for you as well.

Seven Revelations:
So here are seven revelations — followed by translations from "surface level" to "in practice" — that you, like me, may not have realized before.

1.) Surface Understanding #1: Men need respect.
What that means in practice: Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected.

2.) Surface Understanding #2: Men are insecure.
What that means in practice: Despite their "in control" exterior, men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered.

3.) Surface Understanding #3: Men are providers.
What that means in practice: Even if you personally made enough income to support the family's lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental burden he feels to provide.

4.) Surface Understanding #4: Men want more sex.
What That Means in Practice: Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of life.

5.) Surface Understanding #5: Men are visual.
What that means in practice: Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women.

6.) Surface Understanding #6: Men are unromantic clods.
What that means in practice: Actually, most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways) and want to be romantic — but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed.

7.) Surface Understanding #7: Men care about appearance.
What that means in practice: You don't need to be a size 3, but your man does need to see you making the effort to take care of yourself — and he will take on significant cost or inconvenience in order to support you.

The more we understand the men in our lives, the better we can support and love them in the way they need to be loved. In other words, this revelation is supposed to change and improve us.

-----------------------------------
Ed. Note:
Shaunti Feldhahn conducted extensive research into the inner lives of men. She presents the fascinating results in more detail in her book.
------------------------------------

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
PM me if you would like to have the name of her book and / or the link to her website.

[Maven]

Good grief. Another thread making generalizations about men.

1. Men need respect.
Hello? Women need respect, too. How about, PEOPLE need respect?

2. Men are insecure.
Some men are, some men aren't. And the same can be said about women.

3. Men are providers.
Traditionally, yes. But there are some men who don't feel they need to provide. I would say that's a minority. Many women want to hold jobs and be independent, and provide for their families as well.

4. Men want more sex.
I've known men with high sex drives and low sex drives. Guess what? I've known women with high sex drives and low sex drives. I've known and heard of lots of women who want sex more than their men.

5. Men are visual.
I know lots of women who are also visual. I'm one of them, as well as being aural and nasal.

6. Men are unromantic clods.
I know a lot of very romantic men. And there are plenty of women who aren't especially talented in being romantic themselves.

7. Men care about appearance.
Almost everybody cares about appearance. Almost everybody wants their partner to bathe and do some basic grooming.

There are differences between men and women as a whole, but many of the stereotypes aren't true. When you have a partner, find out what your partner wants, rather than relying on a book that makes generalizations. What do men want? What do women want? Ask him or her!

[Rhapsody]

There was no intent meant here other than to HELP the LADIES understand their husbands / men better..... for we all need to learn and be educated if we are to make our relationships work.... from the other persons side of the fence.

And when the book for men to better understand their ladies hits the stores this month I will post on it as well..... For MEN Only book.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S. (imho)
When a survey is done and 70% or more of the people vote a certain way on the questions asked then it is not just a generalization, but rather the norm (and) YES.... there is always the exception to any rule and this one is no different - but all in all the men voted a certain way here..... the MEN, not the WOMEN.

[Rhapsody]

P.S.

And YES............... I agree ask your MAN (or) WOMAN what they feel toward any thing you may read or hear..... I do and I am usually surprised to find out that what I read (by competent authors) was correct on a lot of things and then off balance with a few - due to my mans own life experience.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

............................................................. PeAcE.

[Maven]

The LADIES don't need to reinforce stereotypes. They can understand their MEN better if both learn better communication skills. So, they should get a book on improving communication, rather than learning about the opposite gender.

You can't make a generalization about ALL men because 70% of the men surveyed answered a certain way. They'd have to ask ALL men to get a more accurate idea of how men think and feel. And again, if women share those qualities, then it's a PEOPLE aspect, not a MEN'S aspect.

[Rhapsody]

Can we please take this to PM..... as to leave the thread for what it was created for...... HELP for WOMEN.

Thanks....
LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.

You really you need to read the book to understand it as a whole..... it goes into deeper details of each and every one of the items listed above and more, as to help you understand, as to make the relationship better..... from HIS side of the fence: his way of thinking, feeling, and processing things as a male.

[hillbunnyb]

wow maven, seems like Rhapsody hit a raw nerve for you. I read the list as talking points, her post as a place to start to give words to stuff that needs words (and airing and discussion).

I see her post as a beginning for communication. Could be used in any relationship as far as I can see. Great talking points, actually. Have you been triggered by semantics?

I actually hear the author speak on this. She is a Christian (as I am) but she comes from a very conservative, women-stay-at-home, please your husband standpoint. I think it might come out in this book, because it doesn't say much about how men can actually be attracted to women with good self-esteem, women who have intelligent minds and aspirations (not that they compete or take precident over the marraige). In a survey, you sorta get what you ask for... you never present answers to questions you failed to ask, and I think she perhaps forgot to consider the benefit of 2 enriching people uniting and that effect on a man. Instead sometimes the survey comes off as all the things women should do to make the man happy. We women could form a list like that too, and I think she has also done that one, but I think the benefit of the book is there are some things we don't consider about men; however, we should also remember, that relationships are meant to enjoy each other. (both ways)

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
esthersvirtue said:
I actually hear the author speak on this. She is a Christian (as I am) but she comes from a very conservative, women-stay-at-home, please your husband standpoint. I think it might come out in this book

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


Well, I personally have the book and I never got the impression that this book was written to PLEASE YOU HUSBAND - but rather to UNDERSTAND YOUR MAN..... for how can one make a relationship work if we are always looking at things from our side of the fence and never from the other persons side of it.....
PLUS - she has just released the book for MEN ONLY and it tells a man how to better understand his wife / lady friend..... one must look at what the book is written about before they can judge it.

Shaunti is not bias to pleasing MEN only - she has taken on the role to help us both (male &amp; female) to better understand each other, as to keep the love and respect flowing with in a marriage.... that which is often lacking due to not knowing the other person for who they really are. (hence the book for him and for her)

BTW - Shaunti is far from the woman that stayed at home and only took care of her man and the house.... she has always been a person that is out there, with the support of her man.
When one wants to learn more about their spouse as to better understand them it does not make one a slave. I personal like learning about how people function and think as what they are and where they come from - the GREAT law of cause and effect.

..................... PeAcE.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Rhapsody]

P.S.

For those of YOU who have PM me wanting fuller/deeper details of the information I listed above, for you took the initiative and asked the males in your life about it and they agreed from the MPOV (male point of view)...... I will prepare a more in depth post of each item and place them a few days apart from each other to give us time to discus them.

God Bless....... to those that desire to better UNDERSTAND their MAN.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Sujin]

Maven,

Rhapsody..
Sorry if my viewpoint offended you. True, I got something very different from her speaking engagement, but I'm of course, happy if you recieved positives from her book. Perhaps, we should acknowledge that people get many different things from books and different views. Its why we are all different. Its not such a bad thing.

[radio_flyer]

Another interesting thread
1. Actually all people want to be respected.. men & women...
2. I don't believe all men are insecure... I do think abusive men are very insecure..
3. I don't understand why men feeling they need to be providers is an issue....
4.. Well men are sex machines..
5. Have to agree, men are visual
6. Men are unromantic clods... omg... that is not true at all...
7. Men care about appearance... same as men are visual...

I didn't know if to take this serious or laugh........so I will just smile.......This kinda makes men look pathetic... just my humble opinion

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
radio_flyer said:
I didn't know if to take this serious or laugh........so I will just smile.......This kinda makes men look pathetic... just my humble opinion

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Dear Radio Flyer..... I do believe that you missed the over all point to my first post..... it was not to make a deal about any of the items listed - it was to help us (the females / wives) to understand how our men feel at times.... the surface insight (what people see up front) is listed first them the deeper emotional issue (the good part of the man) is listed under each one of them..... and the book goes on to explain each in fuller details with great compassion for the men of this world.

>>>>>>>>> Everyone please KNOW that this thread is not meant to bash, harass, or condemn the male species..... it was and is done to HELP, and if any one else is seeing any thing different it is coming from inside of them and not from me, the book or the author..... IF every one will take a step back and wait for the remaining articles to come on each subject at hand you will see the whole picture and then say Ahhhhhhhhh I See NOW!!

Thanks....
LoVe,
Rhapsody -

EXAMPLE: (and remember this book "4-Women Only" was written to help the female understand the man, therefore, it is based on HIM and his wants / needs..... and not that of her needs, that is coming in the next book "For Men Only"

1.) Men need respect:
This statement meant that while the females needs to be and to feel loved by her man..... he man needs to feel RESPECTED above all else by her..... for Respect is translated into LOVE for a man..... if a MAN is disrespect by his lady he will NOT feel loved by her.

...... Ladies need to realize this part of the MAN - for they see love differently than we do.

2.) Men are Insecure:
I will not tackle this one right now for it needs more details..... but it is not saying what others are thinking it is all about - the chapter goes into how he feels like this at times (why) and how understanding this can help us support HIM better.

3.)MEN need to Provide:
No issue here...... this chapter helps the wife to understand why he puts his entire self into his work.... for it is one way he shows his love for her and his family and that it is literally imprinted in him to provide, therefore, he could not stop if he wanted to. Plus it explains how many men find their self worth in his job and being able to provide for his loved one.

4.) Men want more SEX:
This chapter helps the wife to understand that sex is as much as an emotional need to her man and his attention and hugs are to her..... and that saying NO to sex (unless sick or physical worn out) is like saying no to him the person - he feels unwanted and unloved at times without being with you sexually..... for men need and want sex for both the emotional bonding part and the physical pleasure part.

5.) The Visual part:
Once again no real issue here unless he is using porn or lust in place of his woman..... but in all this chapter explains how his looking or finding it hard to turn away from the beauty he has just seen does not in any ways effect his love for his wife - it helps the wife to understand that the first look is natural and that we should not feel unloved if it happens.

6.) Men are unromantic clods:
This chapter was not saying this at all..... if the time was taken to read the deeper emotion listed under the surface level you would have seen that this chapter tells why he feels like an romantic clog and NOT why he is one. That he wants to romance his love but that he is also afraid of failing, therefore, he often does nothing.

7.) Men care about appearance:
This chapter is to help the wife to see that he loves her no matter what and that while her appearance may be of concern to her husband (at times) - she does not have to fear the loss of his love just because she is no longer a size 3..... he just wants to know that you are doing your best to be the best you that you can be.

* * * * * * *

NOW - can you all see that what I wrote was possibly taken the wrong way by some..... and that reading the entire context is very important, from beginning to end?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[radio_flyer]

Ahhhhhhhhh I See NOW!!
as you said " and that reading the entire context is very important, from beginning to end?".... I agree...

Bottom line is....... Men have feelings too...

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
radio_flyer said:
Bottom line is....... Men have feelings too...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

And that is exactly why I thought about posting this thread..... to help us (the females) to better understand men, from their side of the fence - for to understand is the key to making it all happen.

BUT I can see that many on here do not see this thread for what it was intended to do (or) be for, therefore, I will now cease to talk any more about men and their feelings, my lips are closed.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[radio_flyer]

It is gooooooood to talk about how to understand men....I don't think you should stop talking on this subject... There is always someone new one can learn... and one can only learn by sharing and talking........

Because some may not agree or see your point, doesn't mean you need to be quiet.. That is part of life... Some will agree... Some will disagree... Some will "get it"... Some "won't get it".... everyone is at a different level in their walk of life.... but always learning new things that can help women understand men is a goood thing........

[Maven]

But if some of those chapters don't reflect their headings, such as "Men are unromantic clods," then why say that? I don't see how it "helps" women understand men when some of the statements call them "insecure" and "unromantic clods." It's very sexist.

And thanks, zen.

[radio_flyer]

That is what I thought at first, Maven... Very sexist or male bashing.... But Rhapsody did fill in the blanks I guess you might say, when she posted full paragraphs to explain the numbered comments... I don't like bland statements such as 'men are unromantic clods or men are insecure, etc.'.....They sound like "angry" statements.....anyway, it is good for ALL opinions when men are the topic. Even tho I don't seem to find good marriage partners, I sure do like men... yup.. i like men lots... but catch me on a bad day and well lol.. neva mind...

any other men out there sick of the generalisations made about us?, the answer is simple ladies, if you want to know something/ anything about your man all you have to do is ask, true some men are unable to communicate thier true feelings to there spouse/partner, the thing you are doing wrong is you are asking the wrong questions, you dont need a book to work that one out, or do you?

oh i forget, i call it a generalisation because here in the uk there are 60 million people, i dont know how many in the us, and to base a book on a thousand mens statements and call that a study, she should have done a comparative study on 1000 male penguins and she would have come up with the same results. it proves nothing other than the female predaliction of finding ways to find out about there man without the hassle of actually asking them.

[Sujin]

Hi Mellors,

I am a woman and I agree with you wholeheartedly. One cannot generalize about men being one way or another, I don't care how many polls were taken or what "expert" gave their opinion. In my opinion, people are people, and while there may be different traits that men and women have, one cannot say that all men fall into one category.

I have an excellent relationship with my man, we have the best communication anyone could ask for.(Among other things ) If I am ever in need of knowing something about him I ask him, I do not resort to books or women's magazines (ugh) because I hate generalizations.

So no, not all women believe in this type of stereotyping or profiling.

By the way, my statement is not meant to insult Rhapsody or her thread. We all have different life experiences and opinions on things. I wasn't even going to comment, but felt a response to Mellor's posts, since I agree with him completely.

Thanks,
Zen

[radio_flyer]

ummm........ talk to let alone ask my ex-husband is like talking to a TREE... He is Persian and well he knows all and controls all and could care less what a woman wants to know about men ..........And there is NEVER a right question to ask him.. All questions asked by women are just "foolish", that is, in his eyes............rolls my eyes and wonders how I found that one... lol........ ok ok... before some one comes along and says well not all Persian men are like that, I will say ummmmmm maybe .. maybe not...... lol

point proved

[radio_flyer]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
she should have done a comparative study on 1000 male penguins and she would have come up with the same results.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Good one...