Rejected…again

Well wait a minute! The Asperger's thing does not automatically disqualify you from having or making friends. Trust me. So my mom and my older brother are both diagnosed Asperger's. Frankly, I get along with Asperger's people better than so-called "normal" people. I also have most of the social-ineptness that goes along with Asperger's because I think that was what I was used to when growing up... But I don't have the motor skill problems that my brother has, for example.

And frankly, my brother with Asperger's has historically had more friends than me, and is generally higher-functioning than myself (i.e., didn't spend years in therapy or have repeated hospitalizations). And the fact that my mom has 3 kids, and has been married to the same socially-normal guy (my dad) for over 25 years says something too.

So I'm quasi-Asperger's perhaps. But it is definitely possible to make friends. You just have to find real people, which are unfortunately in the vast minority of the population. I don't really hold a high regard for people in general, honestly. And even though I'm lonely... would I want to hang out with all these people I see, who are so boring and are more or less just hollow shells of human beings? Probably not. So if someone doesn't want to be friends with you because your eye contact sucks... that's their stupid problem, in my opinion. What a ridiculous reason not to be friends with someone. But unfortunately that's the way most people are I think, and they won't even give you a chance...

It gets pretty annoying when YOU are always the problem. YOU don't make eye contact so of course people won't like you. YOU make awkward conversation sometimes so of course people won't like you. I think this illustrates a lot about people in general. I mean, a person is never intentionally awkward; if they are then they're being rude, not awkward. I don't get in a big fuss if someone accidentally steps on my toe, you know? But apparently I'm not ever supposed to say something awkward ever OR ELSE I'm just doomed to be alone forever. Yeah. Then I get too anxious about saying the wrong thing so I don't say anything at all. So of course people don't like me! No matter what I do it's wrong. Why don't we just freaking teach people not to be so full of themselves so they don't become offended by any stupid little thing, or to be so superficial as to judge the stupid brand of clothes you wear?

OK, rant/pity party is over.

whoswho you are so right. Aspurgers does not make you a social outcast. I get along quite well w/ aspurgers and other folks w/ similar issues. That is what makes friendship so special. The uniqueness of everyone and the gifts you are given. My son cried when we told him he had aspurgers and there was medications to help w/ anxiety and other things. He asked me what I thought? I told him it is a gift, great art abilities, music abilities, math abilities, sport abilities. Look where this disorder has gotten you. If you medicate some of those things away you would not be you. You'd be board and hate life. God gave you the gift of aspurgers, take the ball and run. My son is obsessed w/ sports. He carries a ball everywhere he goes. We have him worked down to a bouncy ball size ball w/ sand in it. So it provides a textile relief he often seeks. He keeps it in his pocket and misses w/ it when he is board, stressed or when ever. But he loves his football made w/ tire tread.

My son would not give up his love for anything and it makes him who he is. He's a blast to be around, he has many friends, and is very outgoing. His aspurgers gets him in trouble sometimes, saying inappropriate things to people, but the world is so full of inappropriate people most folks don't know he has aspurgers.

Actually, Mama, when I was dating a few years back, I think she had a sleep over with a male friend, because I remember seeing a photo of her and her male-friend together in a sleeping bag. It didn't upset me. Group interactions are harder for me, she knew that, therefore I didn't mind if she did things with her other friends without me there. I trusted her .

I used to do that with my interests to. Once at school I approached a girl and told her the size of the Caspian Sea. Who wouldn't want to talk about geographical landforms? . I can recite many of the world's largest deserts, mountains, lakes, etc. by size, and I can memorize many countries' populations, dates of independence, size, etc. Obviously she didn't want to talk about that, but it took me a few years before I realized that.

I am familiar with the Asperger's forum and a few other members with Asperger's.

I definitely have issues with motor skills, Who. It's embarrassing that I have such difficulties with holding kitchen and writing utensils, brushing my teeth, holding something steady, and although not a motor skill problem, I struggle with speaking too. When I was last in a relationship, for example, she helped teach me how to say the word "specialty," which I couldn't pronounce even as a high school student. I struggle with a lot of things that can be embarrassing.

I've always been in therapy for one reason or another, and I have been repeatedly hospitalized too. Most of my body is now scarred from SI.

I've heard that it is easier for an Aspie female to be in a relationship with a normal man because it is the man that is expected to make the first move, so to speak? I'm a man with Asperger's Syndrome, and I have met only a handful of women that can tolerate me, much less love me, and many of those women eventually have found me intolerable after so long.

Eye contact is weird to me and uncomfortable. I don't understand how come people dwell on that so much. Moreover, I am told that a woman won't talk to a man or feel uncomfortable around him if he wears sunglasses, and I am always behind black-tinted sunglasses when I am not at home. (I have sensory issues with light and wear prescription sunglasses when away from home, and sometimes at home.) I first started wearing glasses because I couldn't handle the lighting in schools and public buildings.

You said it well! No matter what I do I am always doing something wrong and am consequently rejected. I am too insecure, awkward, anxious, I don't maintain eye contact, I lack confidence, or the best of them all, I have weird interests. You would be amazed at how quickly women have rejected me because of the books I like to read or the animals I keep. I am told that I shouldn't talk about them but I think why should I have to lie or pretend I don't have these interests because of other people's ignorance? People continue to reject me because of my interests. You'll read on the "What's the sexiest attribute in a female to you?" thread that something that attracts me is the ability of a woman to respect and accept my interests. In the "Describe Your Dream Vacation" thread, I added a note about sending me hate mail and threats, because that's what people do.

It makes me think that I will never be able to be the 'catch' that women want to date or be friends with. I will never be able to make the perfect impression or be that aforesaid 'catch.' What I need is for someone to be able to take a step back, withhold their judgements, and spend some time with me, not write me off based on first impressions.

When I have earlier emphasized that I am active in clubs and whatnot, I didn't intend to come off as aggressive or desperate, but it can feel like people don't recognize or understand that there is more to it for me than simply being in a club or around people with a similar interest. Someone I know keeps recommending that I visit a bar to make friends - what a disaster that would be.

It would really mean a lot to me if I had a friend or someone close to me I could sit down with and talk to . Being written off almost instantly and repeatedly hurts, and it certainly doesn't help with my self-esteem.

Could you go to a place in your town or city that deals with the mental health system or some type of social group? I know that in my case after 8 years of hanging around the social clubs etc.. i made alot of friends, alot of them in the mental health system not they're all nuts, but just people who needed to be watched as to their meds and learn from them. now since 1997 i moved away and belong to another social therapy place where I get a counselor therapist to come and see me 1 time a month. avlady

Hey.. I spent 15 years being a photographer, and yes, they can be a right bunch of so and so's! But not all are horrible - I just find some places online a bit snobbish. You know, its just a bunch of saddo's who are horrible to you over your terms of focus or whatever, and they'd have been better to remember we all start somewhere. I can remember going out to shoot my homework for my night class (when I first started out) and a member of the public had to tell me I'd left my lens cap on!

Anyway. Please dont let these people put you off. I remember you doing macro photography of your spiders. There's a place: http://365project.org where I did a year of photo' and on a whole, its a bunch of lovely people of all levels of photography skills. You take a photo, every day for a year, and its interesting looking back, plus its not as easy as you'd think being that organised! You can follow other people, and its one of those things, the more you comment on other people's work, even to say simply you like the photo, the more you get commented on. Also, sometimes a group of strangers will meet up and go walking somewhere & take photo's together. I've been twice, in two different places in the UK but there's been meet-ups oversea's too. I've made friends outside, and I know other's have made really good friends, and now meet up to go to art galleries or pubs etc!

Have I sold it to you yet? Grins. Sorry for the ramble, but doing photography is great fun, and I hope you can rekindle your affection for it.

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I used to do that with my interests to. Once at school I approached a girl and told her the size of the Caspian Sea. Who wouldn't want to talk about geographical landforms? . I can recite many of the world's largest deserts, mountains, lakes, etc. by size, and I can memorize many countries' populations, dates of independence, size, etc. Obviously she didn't want to talk about that, but it took me a few years before I realized that.

I have done similar things. I like philosophy a lot. In high school, I was teased constantly for reading Dante and Shakespeare and Machiavelli and such. Even my parents thought this was odd and accused me of being stuck-up, conceited, or elitist. I was so embarrassed that I would carry my books face down so people couldn't see what I was reading. And if someone did see them they would assume it was for some kind of class and then I would have to awkwardly explain that, no, I was reading it "for fun." But sometimes I get so excited about it; like Plato, I can talk about Plato for hours if I find the right person. And isn't talking about Plato so much more logical than talking about, I don't know, shopping or boyfriends or whatever it is women talk about?

And yes, it has also taken me a few years to realize that most people don't want to talk about this kind of thing...

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I definitely have issues with motor skills, Who. It's embarrassing that I have such difficulties with holding kitchen and writing utensils, brushing my teeth, holding something steady, and although not a motor skill problem, I struggle with speaking too. When I was last in a relationship, for example, she helped teach me how to say the word "specialty," which I couldn't pronounce even as a high school student. I struggle with a lot of things that can be embarrassing.

My brother's handwriting is not even legible (not even to himself!). I had something of a stuttering problem also but that was mostly due to being really nervous. It's not an official "problem" but I really tend to mispronounce things and mangle words often and I get really self-conscious about it. So yeah, I understand that these things can be embarrassing... all you can do is keep working on it I suppose.

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I've always been in therapy for one reason or another, and I have been repeatedly hospitalized too. Most of my body is now scarred from SI.

I'm sorry to hear that. I have a lot of scars too, mostly on my legs though. Well, I basically decided when I was 11 or 12 that I was too fat to wear shorts or a swimsuit ever again so it doesn't bother me so much because no one sees the scars on my legs... the problem is that a lot of mine are actual words, like "FAT" or "WORTHLESS" or "FAILURE" so it becomes kind of obvious... I don't actually find it upsetting at all, but I think my ex found it a bit worrisome.

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I've heard that it is easier for an Aspie female to be in a relationship with a normal man because it is the man that is expected to make the first move, so to speak? I'm a man with Asperger's Syndrome, and I have met only a handful of women that can tolerate me, much less love me, and many of those women eventually have found me intolerable after so long.

I'm a female without Asperger's Sydrome, and I have met only a handful of people (men and women!) that can tolerate me, much less love me, and many of those people eventually found me intolerable after so long...

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Eye contact is weird to me and uncomfortable. I don't understand how come people dwell on that so much. Moreover, I am told that a woman won't talk to a man or feel uncomfortable around him if he wears sunglasses, and I am always behind black-tinted sunglasses when I am not at home. (I have sensory issues with light and wear prescription sunglasses when away from home, and sometimes at home.) I first started wearing glasses because I couldn't handle the lighting in schools and public buildings.

I don't know, I've never really thought about the sunglasses thing. I suppose I might think it was odd if you were wearing them indoors but if you just said that you didn't like the lighting then... whatever, I don't care.

I have a hard time with eye-contact too, although it's gotten better.

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You said it well! No matter what I do I am always doing something wrong and am consequently rejected. I am too insecure, awkward, anxious, I don't maintain eye contact, I lack confidence, or the best of them all, I have weird interests. You would be amazed at how quickly women have rejected me because of the books I like to read or the animals I keep. I am told that I shouldn't talk about them but I think why should I have to lie or pretend I don't have these interests because of other people's ignorance? People continue to reject me because of my interests. You'll read on the "What's the sexiest attribute in a female to you?" thread that something that attracts me is the ability of a woman to respect and accept my interests. In the "Describe Your Dream Vacation" thread, I added a note about sending me hate mail and threats, because that's what people do. It makes me think that I will never be able to be the 'catch' that women want to date or be friends with. I will never be able to make the perfect impression or be that aforesaid 'catch.' What I need is for someone to be able to take a step back, withhold their judgements, and spend some time with me, not write me off based on first impressions.

Yeah. I was in a therapy group once and they talked about developing hobbies and interests. And I said something like, "Well, I have a lot of interests, it's just that no one is interested in what I'm interested in." So she told me to find more popular interests... I mean, I tried faking popular interests when I was a teenager, and it would work at first, but I'd always be found out. I wish I could find popular things interesting but I don't... I think they're boring.

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When I have earlier emphasized that I am active in clubs and whatnot, I didn't intend to come off as aggressive or desperate, but it can feel like people don't recognize or understand that there is more to it for me than simply being in a club or around people with a similar interest. Someone I know keeps recommending that I visit a bar to make friends - what a disaster that would be. It would really mean a lot to me if I had a friend or someone close to me I could sit down with and talk to . Being written off almost instantly and repeatedly hurts, and it certainly doesn't help with my self-esteem.

I remember being repeatedly told that if I would go out (had really bad agoraphobia at the time so I didn't actually go ANYWHERE) and meet people and be more sociable that I would make friends. That hasn't really happened, and I've been living in this city for 5 months now... It's pretty frustrating. And of course I have NO friends at home to return to once my year is up (I'm sort of a foreign exchange student currently). It's not like I DON'T meet people or go out or be social... I just don't connect with anyone, and I'm always being written off.

That's what I mean, when I say life is just a game of odds. I felt pretty angry because, look, here's my effort, now where are my results? But life doesn't work that way I suppose...

The eye contact thing is huge for me. It don't look people in the eye. It's a being submissive and being "read" thing. But anyway my family physician was talking to my son and know about his aspurgers and his lack of eye contact. He said something that helped me as well as my son, it should have been a no brainer, it was a duhh moment. The dr said don't look people in the eye. Look between there eyes. Like a cyclops maybe. It works. Pelple don't know you do not look them in the eye. Near eye contact is good enough. Hope this helps someone out there.

Interesting. Maybe imagine the "third eye" (where East Indians would paint it) and look there?

Who:

We have so much in common it's incredible .

When I was in school I used to carry what I called my "Bug Binder" around with me; it was a binder I made full of information on tarantulas, true spiders, centipedes, scorpions, etc.

But almost no one is able to accept that I have special interests. The interests I have creates as much difficulty as a lack of social skills. It's an understatement to say that people are afraid of me because of what I am interested in, as if I some kind of immediate threat to them.

I have terrible handwriting…

Many of the worse SI scars I have are on my arms, and since I always wear t-shirts, it can disturb others that see them.

People tell me the same, to be active socially, meet new people, etc. etc., but that doesn't stop everyone I meet from writing me off when they first meet me. And I am told to feel better about myself, to be confident, because that's attractive, but how the hell am I supposed to do that when I am rejected by everyone I meet? It's hard to develop self-esteem when I have no one to talk to or interact with that can help me or that cares about me.

I don't feel eye contact is too much of an issue. As I said, I am usually behind tinted sunglasses when out in public, so a lot of people can't see my eyes, and therefore can't tell where I am looking. All the girls I have approached in the last year have never seen my eyes because I am wearing prescription sunglasses.

What I scares me is that I will reach middle age or older and still have never experienced what it is like to be in a real, meaningful relationship! . The anxiety and phobias I have notwithstanding, I have never experienced so much, like sex, hugs (I have experienced those briefly but it's been so long I have forgotten I think), and the whole being close to someone.

I observe those on TV and in real life, with relationships, friends, etc., and I think, "Why can't I experience some of that?" . I do virtually everything alone, and I don't see that changing in the near future.

And whenever someone does like me, eventually they won't, and that's not negative thinking, it's what has happened to me. Last July was when my best friend decided to stop talking to me. I don't know why she did that. I can't know why because she won't talk to me. She was an Internet friend of 5 years and I travelled to her country (USA) to meet her in 2009. I was planning a trip to Seattle to see her.

All of it disappeared overnight. It's not the first time it has happened either. Whenever a friend of mine decides to stop talking to me, they disappear on me and leave me alone thinking, "What happened?"

It makes me think that I am destined to live alone forever, and that's painful and depressing to think about.

I am tired of always being alone .

Is it possible that you would be able to find like-minded people also interested in true spiders and tarantulas? People interested in conventional pets (cats and dogs) have no trouble finding like-minded people because there are a lot of them, sure. In fact, dog ownerrs 101 Dalmatians. People interested in tarantulas are rare, but perhaps with the help of the web (no pun intended) you can find them.

I meant to say that dog owners walking their dogs meet and fall in love, as in the Dalmatians movie from Disney.

And you gave up after asking once? Why not go back and ask several more times. Smile. Be friendly. Listen. If she says no 3-5 more times, give up unless you still like her. Set the tone that you are friendly, not desperate.

But I realize many people (normies/neurotypicals) will never be comfortable with an aspie. That's just the way it is. Have you ever met any? Might make for a better match.

Edit: I read more of this long thread and I see this girl has a bf and bad characters for bfs. But the same approach applies to other people. Also, it seems to help to have some curiosity about the other people, rather than just a need or desire for them. It is not something natural to me or you, but it can be cultivated.