Rejected…again

I thought I'd ask the lady at the local pet store if she would like to hang out with me; we seemed to connect when we had a 20 minute conversation in the store last week. She was there when I received my shipment of tarantulas.

So since I was there today I thought I would ask her if she wanted to hang out. Obviously she doesn't want to .

Well first of all it just sounds like maybe you have some self esteem issues. Your beating your self up for no reason. I know its hard to meet people and really connect especially if you have been out of the loop for some time. We all sometimes develope changed ways about ourself when we spend to much time alone. I really know you need to join some clubs and meet people there. It will give you a chance to learn how to communicate correctly. Bowling is a good way to meet people. I went to a bowling alley and asked if there was a team that needed someone and I was able to sub for some teams and join the next year. I met a lot of people and made some very good friends. I'm not saying bowling is the only option I just think you need to think outside the box. Everybody has great qualities that can be offered to others. You need to figure yourself out and lend it to others. I also joined a dart league and met people. try something new, its a new year and its time to try new things. Good luck, keep us posted

Hello Mr. V.,
I was just curious.. How did you approach her the second time? Did you start another conversation with her first? Or did you just kind of throw it out there "Hey, want to hang out sometime?" If you did it the second way, you could have thrown her off guard a little and her immediate reaction was to put up her defenses. Maybe next time, you need to have a few more conversations with someone before asking them to hang out. Her reason for rejecting you also might have had nothing to do with you. Maybe she has a boyfriend and felt that her boyfriend wouldn't appreciate her hanging out with guys she met at work.

I know the loneliness is crushing, but please don't give up hope or give up trying. From the little I know of you, you seem to have amazing qualities and make a wonderful friend! I wish there was more I could say or do to make you feel better...

the thing is that thinking negatively about yourself will make you act in ways that will make other people not want to be around you. It's hard to be positive after being lonely, and this comes from someone who was lonely for all of middle school. If you value yourself and go to clubs or any type of place with people with your interests, your chances of meeting more people increase.

If older women like you, why not spend time with them?

Just kind of threw the idea out there to her. She had arrived at the store for her shift, and my mom and I were talking to the owner in the in front, and she was standing over to my left watching the conversation. I walked over to her and asked her if she'd ever like to hang out.

The loneliness is crushing . I'd love to have a close friend.

As for the other replies, I can't stress enough that I am active in clubs, organizations, etc., and if nobody believes me I can PM you a list of them.

Being around those that share an interest or hobby is not the jackpot of friendship that it is made out to be. In fact, if I can speak from experience, some of the worst people I've ever met happen to be individuals that share my interest in tarantulas. Doesn't end there either! In 2012, I decided to become a member of a photography club, and since I was looking for help I thought it would be the ideal place for me. Nope! I said I didn't understand why my photos were coming out distorted - that was my mistake. I used the word "distorted" and not "blurry," hence I offended everyone there, because "distorted" refers to the lens doing something wrong. The members were clear in telling me the lens is awesome and that I am just a terrible photographer. I left and have not been back since.

Clubs and interests aren't the social wonderland that they're described as.

However, I am active in an awesome club and do volunteer work there, but the one issue I have is that I can't relate well to the other members. Although age is not the worst thing, the fact that I am 21 years old and am hanging out with men in there 50s and 60s, some in their 70s, it can be difficult for us to relate to each other, if that makes sense. It's like the ONLY thing we have in common is our membership and interest in our political party. I like being there because it provides me with a sense of belonging, if that makes sense, but I can't do my-age-group kind of activities with them.

It would be really nice to have a few friends that are closer in age to me. I thought the lady at the pet store was nice .

One thing I know about myself, I too am a person that is mostly alone IRL. I pretty much can attribute most of it to my own behaviors, since I'm pretty socially phobic or at least very quiet and reserved to the point of shyness.

Of course there are positive traits about you someone or some people would find interesting. But do they get that from your brief encounters? While having common interests by no means is a minor thing, it is only part of the equation.

One thing I notice about your posts and your writing. You are very analytical and logical. you seem to be the type of person who thinks a lot about things and analyzes them - probably like me, to death. Logic has it's place but in your encounters with potential friends are you being too logical, too analytical in everythng you talk about? I know that with some people that are very logical they can seem to lack empathy. This is not to say they do lack it but that when they interact, logic always takes precedence. It's hard to see how someone feels when they're only willing to stay at that level.

I don't know if that's true of you, I can only look at what I've seen in your posts. I know that I am very different in real life than on the boards so that may be the case and I might be way off.

Just some thoughts.
~S4

I hate to be the barrer of bad news, and if it is said nicely it is in your best interest. I have to agree w/ S4. You do seem a little analytical and maybe even just a little defensive. It's like you expect the worst and are planning on the worst. I know how you feel though. If things never go right and you always screw up it is hard to go into any situation w/ a smile. Now that might just be me, and totally not you.

I kinda have to have things slap me in the face to see them, again I am assuming this about you, but I know that, it is this way for me. Take this statement for example:

"I can't stress enough that I am active in clubs, organizations, etc., and if nobody believes me I can PM you a list of them."

There is nothing wrong w/ that statement but you seem to be trying to hard and killing it w/ insecurity. That kinda makes step back and say whoa. There is nothing wrong w/ mom but a girl might not be see you as a catch if your hangin w/ your mom at the pet store buying trantualla's. People at stores are paid to be nice and make sales.

I don't mean to tick you off and I hope that is not what I've done. Don't take what I have said to the bank for I to am friendless, except older people. Why do I have so much more in common w/ them then folks my age. I have zero social life. I feel like people just don't want to have anything to do w/ me. I may should have very well kept my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself but I to feel like you and so that makes me feel like it might be ok to share my opinion w/ someone who is in the same position.

I will not say you'll find someone some day or the right person is out there and you'll meet them eventually because that's what people tell me and it is so annoying, because some day could be when I'm 99. I don't have that long. Throw me a bone. I'd rather hear honesty. Even if it is mean, your hopeless or no wonder. I'd rather know. You are not hopeless or anything though.

Yes, I am a logical, analytical person, much better with facts and information than socializing and emotional subjects.

It seems to me that those that share my hobbies and interests are too focused on being right, i.e., that everyone should do what they do. Raising tarantulas, for example, people fight about the best ways to keep certain species, and on the Internet it is as explosive and volatile as political and religious subjects, with endless attacks on each other. Photographers are competitive with each other about whose photos are the best, and how to best take photos. I refuse to argue with someone and will walk away or ignore them if it comes to it.

A lot of my hobbies are like this it seems. It can sometimes seem impossible to have a conversation with someone. Consequently, I don't associate much with individuals that share my interests anymore, because it never leads anywhere positive or constructive. Usually I like to be around those that respect but do not necessarily share my interests, i.e., they are supportive of me and respect that I have these interests but aren't always active participants themselves.

I do over-think and analyze things to death, but I don't think I am over analytical around women, because I am too anxious to be analytical. I am analytical when I am alone.

Oh…I so wish I had some close friends .

No worries .

Believe it or not, I don't expect the worst as much as I used to, although that's not because of new found confidence, I don't think. Now I feel more numb when I encounter a situation like been rejected; it happens so much that it is easier to deflect. I don't know how else to describe it other than being numb? I am more used to it now I suppose. Compared to previous rejections, it went much better than usual, to name a minor positive.

"If things never go right and you always screw up it is hard to go into any situation w/ a smile": Yes - that is exactly how I feel! I am never able to strike the right balance with things - always too much or too little of something.

How much trying is the right amount of trying? What does a 'catch' look like? How do I appear as a 'catch'? Reminds me of when I did reports for school - it wasn't uncommon for me to be marked down for too much information and too much research. Go figure.

Usually, I would think that a store employee is paid to be nice, but we chatted for 20 minutes last time? She told me where she's from (raise on a farm in a small town nearby), what kind of animals she has and what she likes, that she wants to move to another province, it seemed a lot more than the usual respectfulness of an employee. We were sitting in the back storage area and chatting.

Now I am trying to feel okay being alone 24/7. Another user said she was fine with it. Maybe I can learn too?

Thanks Venomous. I didn't want to say something ugly or have what I was trying to say blown out of proportion.

I like baing alone for the most part. I am a stay at home mom and have been at home for 15 years. I do get out, don't get me wrong. I'm not a hermit, but I don't mind being home. I don't mine being alone. i don't like being around a bunch of people. One of my T's said it was not OK to be alone so much and she worried about me having no one. (But I had/have relationship issues that complicate that statement) The T I have now says "While she would not like to be alone all the time and social interaction is recomended if you are happy then who cares, do what works for you" I do get lonely and miss the conections you make w/ real live people sometimes.

Continue to be friendly to this individual lady and who know she may make the first move, she may reconsider your request at some point.

Hi Mr. V.

I have done the same thing, and I actually have had the same thing happen. You get to this point where you're so lonely, and basically just want to hang out with anyone, and I think other people can sense the desperateness almost, or at least I think I perhaps came off too strong or something. Or I'll get the, "yeah, we should hang out, call me sometime" thing but never get a response from them when I actually call...

BUT, on the flip side: I met a guy in my Physics class once and we had a 10 minute conversation about CALCULUS. He asked if I wanted to "hang out" and I said yeah. HE seemed to mean "date," which I was really not OK with at all. So obviously now I'm a bit more cautious about that, if I don't know the guy very well and he asks to "hang out" right away I might decline even if I really do want close friends.

I wonder HOW she rejected you, did she say something really snotty or seem offended or something?

And I think you're right also that joining an organization or club does not automatically equal friends... which is kind of my problem also: going out and meeting people does not equal friends... The only advice I can give is to keep trying. Most people really are just annoying, and a lot of clubs tend to become very elitist, although it is definitely a good place to start looking for friends. BUT, I also think people tend to have a strong preconceived idea of people who are their type or who they'd like to be friends with. I think this is the worst possible thing that can happen. I mean, obviously if someone feels dangerous or creepy, stay away. But one of the best friends I ever had was a runner/biker/fitness nut while I am... lucky not to trip on the sidewalk. But we both had a love of bad puns so that made conversation hilarious.

I wonder if part of the problem is your expectations. You're in a club. You're in various organizations. Now where are the friends? This is what you're "supposed" to do, isn't it? ...Yeah. That's pretty much where I am, too. Sorry I don't have more to say. Just keep trying. I won't say that it will 100% guaranteed happen, but the odds are more likely, and what else is life but just a game of chance, anyway? (Much to my chagrin...)

The fact that you mention this made me think that unintentionally you might be showing that "numbness" the defensive (not conscious probably) mechanism where you expect to be rejected so your mind and body braces itself so-to-speak. The thing is, and I'm guilty of it too, if you expect the worst, or expect to be let down, it's more likely that you will be. Even without thinking people will pick those things up. My advice with that? Don't worry about the outcome, be confident in yourself and be as natural as you can while being open to anything happening and expect something good to come out. Thing is, it only takes one to say "yeah, I'll hang out!" to make a friend. You haven't tried every human being out there so I think there's still a lot of hope left

She could just be a chatty character. My ex was one of those and she would talk to just anyone and not even think twice about who it was. Just whoever, wherever she was. It got irritating actually going places because everything took at least 15 min longer -- get through a line at the store, go to the park with the kids, just everything. This could be how this lady is too.

Me too, man... me too. I think we can learn to be alone and happy. In all the times I've met women (not that that's all you're looking for) it's been when I was confident and content with myself, however briefly. you can't lose here if you remain alone, you learn to be happy that way anyway. If you meet someone, you've made a new friend and you win then too. The future is rosy then!

~S4

Everything else beside, if I'd been in her shoes and you'd asked me out with your mum around, I'd have said no too. It wouldn't felt right. x

You know... I missed that point! derp. That may be true too. Try again alone!

Have you thought about seeing a speech pathologist to help you work on social skills and language pragmatics? He/She would be able to access your social abilities.

WhosWho:

Yes I do feel desperate enough that I will hang out with anyone. However, I think that I am also naturally open and trusting of others, because I don't feel that sense of fear or distrust towards strangers that others seem to have. It is incredibly difficult to make me uncomfortable.

Thus I am unable to empathize with statements like being too insecure, too straightforward, etc. because I can't seem to understand how that matters. A concequence of being so different from others (Asperger's Syndrome!) I suppose is being unable to understand and be understood by others.

How I see it is that if a person is kind and respectful than nothing else should matter. It doesn't make sense to me how insecurity, confidence, etc. matters. If I have looked at the women I have been close to at least half of them have been victims of sexual assault/abuse, and, believe me, it wasn't after I had known them for a long time that I learned about it. However I don't think that those experiences should reflect on who they are as individuals.

What I am attempting to explain and not explaining well is that it seems so shallow to me for confidence, insecurity, etc. to matter, and I don't understand why it does.

A question I have repeatedly thought about is if there are so many of us with low self-esteem, little to no confidence, and that struggle with feeling unloved and worthless, why are people so distrustful and judgmental towards others?

More factors confuse me with relationships too. Something I used to do because I hate the objectification of women in the media and the epidemic of negative body image is to compliment more women. What others felt was disturbing and threatening - it begs to be asked what kind of society takes compliments as threatening? - I thought, "What if we all complimented each other more?" . I felt the same about honesty - what if we were all more honest and not afraid to say what we mean?

Perhaps I am over-analytical and idealistic but Gandhi one said, "Be the change you wish to see."

(A longer than I thought example of how I see the world.) Back onto the subject being discussed…

I didn't intend to "date" her at all - she said she had a BF. I knew that. All I wanted was to talk more and do something outside of her work. I do have a move card that allows myself and someone with me into movies for free, for example . Her BF is a "stoner" and she's only ever dated drug addicts and drug dealers. (He words, not mine.)

She wasn't offended or mean to me. She kept on telling me she would be too busy for one reason or another (ex. a wedding she is attending, work, etc.), and when I asked her if she'd be interested in attending a concert, she said she didn't listen to those artists, etc. I thought she was hinting at a no to me and that there was no use in continuing.

The club I am active in is the best place for me to socialize right now it seems. Many of the other members are historians, professors, political scientists, etc., so they treat me like one of their own kids .

A love of bad puns - LOL .

S4:

It wouldn't surprise me if I use the numbness as a defense mechanism - I have believed for a long time (since I was a child) that I am unlovable and will inevitably die alone.

Perhaps she was chatty; she said someone else said she was easy to talk to after I said she was.

Of all the times I've been in a relationship or became close to a woman it was when I was hateful, depressed, and wanted little to do with others. I am told that I came off as "confident," which was what made me attractive, for whatever reason, when in reality I was less confident than I am now. The last relationship I had I met her no more than a week or two after I was discharged from the hospital; I was institutionalized for a month after I attempted suicide. She was the best thing to ever happen to me . And I was under suicide watch when I met my BFF.

Got to learn to be happy alone

I worked with a speech pathologist for 5 years. I wasn't able to talk. Of course, I was a child then, but now I work with a therapist.

I literally could have written that...actually was going to create a thread along those lines. I just don't try anymore. I'm always very friendly to people I see around campus (still in school) or who ride the bus with me if they say something to me. The only people who want me around are people who are older than my parents...they're sort of an aunt and uncle to me. That's nice and all that, but like you, I'd like to fit in with people my own age.

I don't want to sabotage your thread so I think I might just go create my own thread, but it seems that it may be very similar...

Edit: We are different in the fact that you are trusting and I don't even trust people I've known my whole life. And I have avoidant personality disorder instead of Asperger's...so I don't think that's it...at least not completely. Sorry, I replied before reading the whole thread and keep seeing things I missed...

Venamous Wait a min. You made to aspurgers. (sp) I have dyslexia and dysnomia, so I do not want to misunderstand you. Do you have aspurgers? If so this could go in a whole different direction. There would be another whole set of explanations of why things don't seem to work out positively. My son has aspurgers. Get back to me on that. If I read it wrong to let me know. I don't always see what things really say. It says one thing and means another.

Ohh, V, I just read through the post. You know, I know how difficult it is to be alone. I literally have no one socially IRL that I feel I can count on or hang out with.

I am so terrified to trust again that I am alone. Now that I've been working on "stuff", even on the best of days, it's a bummer. I have to keep working on this and accepting where I am in life, or I will definitely be alone for the rest of my life. And not happy about it. That is the big game-changer.

That said, I was JUST yesterday asked out for a coffee by a lovely person, who could very well just want company, and V, I asked if I could let him know. He was VERY gracious with his reply. However, the point I am trying to make is that he seems very kind, is attractive, interesting, intelligent, and showing interest, etc. and I am going to say "no".

It has nothing to do with him. It has everything to do with me. But I don't know him and I don't want to tell him my life story. I don't want to tell him anything.

So please try to not be hard on yourself. Especially when it comes to going out and making friends as an adult. It sucks. It's hard. People are busy, stressed, tired, have issues, etc.

(and I know what you mean about hanging out with like-minded people in a specialty / exotic area. Everyone is a genious and know it alland does it the best way. It can get vicious. Ugh)

(ps, when I hurt my foot on New Years Eve, I waited two days to go to the surgeon because I didn't have anyone to call. And when I filled out the paperwork at the doctor's office, got to the Emergency Contacts, I didn't have anyone's name)

I don't know if this helps at all. I just want you to know that I can relate AND also to show you the other side of the coin.

Yes, Mama, I do have Asperger's Syndrome. I was diagnosed with it when I was about 10 years old. You didn't misunderstand anything.

That explains so much. It is not your fault then. It is not a character flaw or anything. I'm sure you know ashurgers has alot to do w/ social aspects of things. Standing to close, not making eye contact, info given does not matter. Ex A girl says I have a bf, and you say that's ok we can just hang out and be friends.

What if you did have a girl friend and on any given night she was hanging out with another guy. Would that make you angry of at least have questions/concerns.

My son has aspurgers and it doesn't always mean you are shy and quiet and an introvert. My son is so outgoing it aint funny. But he makes the mistake of talking about things he is interested in at the worst possible times. You could be talking about some one dieing and everyone could be sad and he just doesn't pick up on facial expressions and will try to blen in and talk about thing and say ....Did you know Paton Manning was drafted for what ever team , then he went to the who ever's, now he's w/ who ever. The subject at hand had nothing to do w/ football but he wants to participate in conversation and that is how his brain works.

I know that it is difficult having aspurgers. Social things are different for that individual. So it is not your fault. You are not a creep, or weird, or anything you may believe. I have to reherse what to say w/ my son. We drill. We go threw different ways of saying things and answers that are the same. Eventually he gets it. Once he gets it, it is there buddy, the info never leaves his brain. That helps so much to know that.

How much time have you spent on the aspurgurs forum here. It might be worth looking into.

Venomous, I think you are doing very well reaching out to people while having Asperger's. I know of a person whose relatives suppose that he has Asperger's and he does not even try - he is all alone. I wish you success in the end. It is much much tougher when you have Asperger's and even that you converse so well on this board and have online friends is a big achievement. I hope more good things come your way soon.

hmm... well... if clubs and stuff don't work... i'm not religious and find that crap boring and idiotic... but i know that some people go to religious institutions. I bet you could find one that is accepting. who knows? they also tend to have a more diverse group of people than a specialized club. Maybe you should use it as a way to widen the search parameters.