[lido78]

I am 44 and my boyfriend is almost 39. We live separately, and he has a much younger male roommate who is 26 and still in school.

The roommate tends to drink too much and has also had problems with fighting when he's intoxicated. He's also behind on his rent and owes my boyfriend quite a bit of money.

My boyfriend does not really socialize much with his younger roommate (he's mostly at my house on weekends), although they are from the same country and are friends. Because of additional house guests, my boyfriend has only been spending one night a weekend at my house for the last month or so.

On two separate occasions now, I've gone out with my boyfriend on a Friday night only to find out the next morning that he's gone out with his roommate later the same evening following our date (as in leaving to go out at 1 a.m. or so). The roommate has been drunk on both occasions and "convinced" my boyfriend to keep the evening going by going out late night.

Knowing that the roommate likely has a drinking problem (and is behind on his rent for 4 months), this has made me pretty annoyed, even angry. I feel as if my boyfriend has no boundaries with certain people in his life, even to his own detriment. I've told him that if he wants to get paid the back rent, he cannot be this guy's friend....in addition, if he's concerned about the excessive drinking, he cannot condone it by going out with him and drinking. I also just find this friendship to be very odd....I don't think of them as peers even though I have a number of younger (and older) friends.

I'm not sure if I'm just jealous that he's going out without me and without my knowledge or if I feel as if my boyfriend is starting to have some kind of Peter Pan syndrome. All I know is that it makes me very uncomfortable. I'm at the age when my friends have kids in high school or even starting college and am way over this kind of thing. Been there, done that. He said that he went out with him most recently to keep an eye on him. The kid was so drunk and he couldn't convince him to stay home, so he just went out with him to keep him under control.

By the way, his house guests right now are his parents. So, this seems even stranger to me that he allows this thing to go on while they are there.

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like your boyfriend is an "enabeler" and perhaps his parents are too. You are right, your bf needs to get this "renter" up to date on his rent, and he cannot be his "caregiver" either. If this guy cannot pay rent, then he is free loading and should get kicked out. As long as this "renter" is allowed to free load, and find "enabelers" he will just keep on following the orders of his "addition/alchoholism". Your boyfriend is not helping him, or saving him, he is allowing him to become more toxic to himself and others.

Open Eyes

[Leed]

I definitely agree with Open Eyes. This roommate shouldn't be going out and spending money on drinking if he can't even pay his rent! And your bf is enabling him by going along with it, and by NOt kicking him out! I don't care if they're from the same country, or if they're friends or whatever. If this roommate lived in another apartment, he'd be kicked out LONG before now for not paying rent! So why should he still be living there? He's taking advantage of your bf, and it's NOT fair.

Your bf is going to make all kinds of excuses for his roommate, just because he's his friend and comes from the same country -- well, that's BS. He's enabling this guy, and putting another nail in his coffin. This roommate will not stop drinking as long as people like your bf keep enabling him. He's got to face his responsibilities, such as paying rent. Your bf is actually HURTING this guy by not making him own up to his responsibilities. He's just making it easier on this guy to buy more booze.

I'm on your side. This isn't jealousy in my book. I'd be mad too. Your bf might THINK he's helping this guy, but he's not. I'm not buying that for a minute. He's hurting him. The sooner he realizes that, the sooner he MIGHT quit doing it. I wish you the very best. Please take care, and God bless. keep us posted, ok? Hugs, Lee

[lido78]

Thank you Open Eyes and Leed. I've been telling him this for months, but he doesn't understand that you sometimes need to be tough to show you actually care. A friend of mine was a heavy drinker when we first became friends. After a few months I told him I couldn't stand seeing him harm himself in such a way and that if he wanted any kind of life worth living he'd better get help. I would help him get to rehab or counseling or whatever, but was not going to socialize with him any more. Seven years later, he's a successful yoga teacher and getting his Masters in social work helping at risk kids. He says he's grateful every day that I was such a ***** back then. He doesn't see me that way but he cleaned himself up just to spite me so long ago. And, I'm fine that he originally hated me for it. I was a much better friend to him than those who just let him get away with his bullsh*t.

[hamster-bamster]

Your record with the friend who now teaches yoga is very impressive. You are probably a stronger person than your bf, with stronger convictions and greater assertiveness and sense of boundaries, hence the difference in how the two of you react to similar challenges.

[lido78]

Hamster-Bamster....Yes, we are very different this way and it sometimes causes problems. But, normally we balance each other out. I can sometimes be too judgmental, but when it comes to someone I see in trouble or heading that way, I don't mind being the "bad guy." But I do need to remember to respect that he has a different way of doing things. I've been wrong at times with my boundaries and cut people off too soon. In the case of the roommate, I just want the guy to get help before it's too late. Not being directly involved in his life, however, I don't feel comfortable saying anything at this point. As for my friend, I think he's the strongest person I know. I don't have addiction issues and will never know how hard he's worked. He inspires me every time I want to give up on anything.

[Perna]

I don't know; I don't see 26 year olds as "kids". Both men are grown men, that the 26 year old is in school; I was in school when I was 50+, so what? I would not worry about what your boyfriend does in/with his life unless it directly impacts on you; if you were living together and he went out with this guy after dropping you off or something, that would be different. Whether the 26 year old pays your boyfriend the money owed is your boyfriend's problem too; if your boyfriend owes you money, you can then insist he pay you and lay down boundaries but whether they are "friends"/drinking buddies or not doesn't bother me, other than what it shows about each of them and whether I want to be with them, etc.

If you do not like your boyfriends behavior, you tell him and then you have to decide how it impacts you, if you dislike who he "is" as a result (if I were to dislike something my husband did, he'd seriously discuss it with me, think about it hard, and change his behavior or not depending on what we determined together; if he decided to continue with behavior that bothered me, it would be up to me to decide where my boundaries were, whether he was the sort of man I wanted to be with, etc.).

That you raise the "jealousy" flag idea is good; I'd think about my own behavior, thoughts, feelings, etc. and why I am that concerned about someone else's behaviors/how they're living their life. As long as he does not bail or come over on Saturday too tired to do anything or hung over, what do you care?

I had a friend in the same position as your bf. Ultimately, she spoke up, the roommate went mia, never paid her back, their friendship cut off AND she stopped talking to me. I guess what I learned from the whole thing is that people are going to do what they are going to do regardless of what we say. Even in the most caring way that we say it.

After we express our opinion, observations, boundaries once or twice, it is time to look at ourselves and what we can do to best take care of ourselves - and not try to focus on or change someone else's business. No matter how much we care. best wishes to you.

(remember, you come first in this equation)

[lido78]

Originally Posted by Perna

I don't know; I don't see 26 year olds as "kids". Both men are grown men, that the 26 year old is in school; I was in school when I was 50+, so what? I would not worry about what your boyfriend does in/with his life unless it directly impacts on you; if you were living together and he went out with this guy after dropping you off or something, that would be different. Whether the 26 year old pays your boyfriend the money owed is your boyfriend's problem too; if your boyfriend owes you money, you can then insist he pay you and lay down boundaries but whether they are "friends"/drinking buddies or not doesn't bother me, other than what it shows about each of them and whether I want to be with them, etc.

If you do not like your boyfriends behavior, you tell him and then you have to decide how it impacts you, if you dislike who he "is" as a result (if I were to dislike something my husband did, he'd seriously discuss it with me, think about it hard, and change his behavior or not depending on what we determined together; if he decided to continue with behavior that bothered me, it would be up to me to decide where my boundaries were, whether he was the sort of man I wanted to be with, etc.).

That you raise the "jealousy" flag idea is good; I'd think about my own behavior, thoughts, feelings, etc. and why I am that concerned about someone else's behaviors/how they're living their life. As long as he does not bail or come over on Saturday too tired to do anything or hung over, what do you care?

It impacts me because I hear my boyfriend complain about being owed money when he has his own financial issues to deal with. I also hear him worry/complain about the roommate's drunken behavior and his concern for the other guy. He does not know how to express this concern directly to him, however. I also care just because I worry that this guy has a problem. And, the roommate is not a grown man. Physically, yes. He has no job...his parents pay for school and his rent. He also appears to have a serious problem with depression. He's wasted money on ******** from what I can see, and I'm tired of my boyfriend getting taken advantage of. We're in a relationship...so, his life does impact mine. I feel his stress and I also feel his concern. But, I guess in your book being concerned about how someone else lives their life is a waste of time. Why are you questioning why I care? I just do, so let's operate on that basic premise. I added information that the roommate was in school only to give a more complete picture and show that they are at different points in their lives...just wondering why you are so defensive that I included this piece of background information. Not sure why my post triggered the response I got from you, but maybe it's something for you to think about.

[Perna]

I'm sorry, lido, I guess I did not make my message clear enough. It is great that you are concerned about your boyfriend but it seems to me that there is almost a 3-way going?

If your boyfriend tells you his concerns, that's great, you sound like you are a good listener. But if your boyfriend won't do anything about his issues/complaints, his roommate, what are you left with?

You're upset about this guy you don't care about particularly, this younger man and his "********" and, it seems, getting stressed about it somewhat; but the problem that I see is that you can't personally do anything about this third person, you can't go through your boyfriend and fix him/get the money your boyfriend is owed/get rid of him, whatever. So, you are stuck being vicariously stressed. Is that what you want for yourself?

If I had your problem, I would either listen to my boyfriend and "that's it". One can empathize with others problems, but not solve them for them; or, I would tell my boyfriend that discussing his roommate and the problems he has with him without doing anything to solve them was stressing me out and I'd like him not to discuss the guy anymore. One cannot change other people, only our own responses to them.

[lido78]

Yes, I'm having a hard time watching my boyfriend struggle and not be able to help himself by enforcing healthy boundaries. I try to listen, but I get frustrated and reach my breaking point because my way for handling stuff does not work for him. So, I wonder why he confides in me. I, perhaps mistakenly, assume that he tells me about these things so that I can give him suggestions. I guess that I will try now to to just listen and hold off on the suggestions. It's hard to watch someone continually bang their head against a wall and then turn to you and ask you why you think they have a headache.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lido78

It's hard to watch someone continually bang their head against a wall and then turn to you and ask you why you think they have a headache.

What a good metaphor, Lido!

Since you are on this site, I assume you might have had a T in your life or even seeing one now. T's have different style - some give suggestions, some just listen waiting for you to come up with suggestions for yourself. Likewise, friends, girlfriends etc. might try to come up with helpful, productive suggestions, or alternatively might choose to just listen and be there. You have tried it one way, now try the other way. Just nod with understanding. And very cool that you have a younger bf.

[Perna]

Yes! Usually it seems to be the guys that try to fix our problems instead of listening. It could be your more experience with been there/done that makes a difference too; you can "see" the situation better than he can because you've seen it or something like it before?

Do you ever get to see/talk to the young guy much? I think I'd be tempted to reach out and grab him by the neck and tell him a few things or threaten to tell his mother, etc. :-)

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Perna

I think I'd be tempted to reach out and grab him by the neck and tell him a few things or threaten to tell his mother, etc. :-)

Funny! I can see myself being tempted to do just that, too.

[lido78]

I've asked my boyfriend if he'd like me to reach out to his roommate but he thinks he'd be too embarrassed to talk to me.
.I probably should not get involved anyway..
Its hard to step back when no one else seems to want to address this issue directly...I try to fix problems if I think I can.
.I am not always great at being the listening ear if I have solutions at the ready...but, maybe this is something for me to work on.
.perhaps the lesson to be learned here is mine.

[lido78]

I thought about trying to reach the parents but I don't think they speak English. And his father is a busy doctor who pretty much ignores him...I feel for the guy but I guess he is a grown man with his own life to live

[hamster-bamster]

I think you have made the right judgment not to reach out for the parents as that would be overstepping your boundaries, even though your intentions are pure and laudable.

I agree that it probably would not be in your best interest to contact his parents.

All you can do is express your thoughts / feelings on the matter and then let it drop. Have you explained to your BF that you are concerned, and it affects you because you care and you are a team. Your BF is a grown up and has to take care of himself.

If it hurts you too much to see / hear what is happening, then (unfortunately) you'll have to distance yourself in such a way so you can manage things.

I wish the best for you and your bf

I agree with perna on most points.

Of course it concerns you and you worry about it, that's natural and what loving gf or so wouldn't worry about their SO getting taken advantage of and it seems like, used? Going by what Perna said though, even though you're going to be stressed about it, you can't change him or make him do anything, only advise and tell him how it's affecting you. I mean if he's enabling his friend now and won't change it, how will it affect you going forward? I guarantee it won't get better if he doesn't change that and step up.

As for the 26 yr old, he's a grown man alright. But yes he's immature and irresponsible.

[lido78]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

I agree that it probably would not be in your best interest to contact his parents.

All you can do is express your thoughts / feelings on the matter and then let it drop. Have you explained to your BF that you are concerned, and it affects you because you care and you are a team. Your BF is a grown up and has to take care of himself.

If it hurts you too much to see / hear what is happening, then (unfortunately) you'll have to distance yourself in such a way so you can manage things.

I wish the best for you and your bf

Yes, we've had so many discussions on this issue that I cannot even count them. I would have let this drop a long time ago except that he keeps telling me about every incident with the roommate. Now that my b.f.'s parents are in town (and have been for the last month), I'm even hearing stories from them. However, no one directly affected wants to address this guy. A decision was finally made that the roommate would sell his car in order to pay my boyfriend the rent. Duh...why did it take 4+ months to come to this brilliant idea? Arg...

It just has to be cultural...I cannot imagine that someone keeping my parents awake at 4:00 in the morning during a drunken binge and not paying rent would not get his head smacked (literally or figuratively).

I'm just perplexed that this guy can negatively affect so many people and I, the least affected, am the only one who has no issue confronting him....but, it's not my culture and not my house, so I've not done anything yet. But, I'm sick of hearing the stories....so my next step (which is passive aggressive, I know) is to just change the subject when it comes up again. If they ask why I don't want to know, I'll be up front...."If you ignore my suggestions and don't even try to come up with your own solutions, you've kind of lost the right to complain to me." Kind of like peope who ***** and moan about this country and then admit to not voting...!!!

[unaluna]

Yeah I would be all, "Why are you telling ME about this?!" Which sounds like the point you are reaching, but it's a valid question. You are the least able of anyone to effect any change, so why do they keep bringing it up? What do they all feel powerless about that they are projecting onto you? Is that what's going on here? Is that your role?

[lido78]

Unfortunately, this is the role that I have assumed for most of my life. I'm fairly logical and don't have any major issues avoiding confrontation. I usually address bad situations up front before they get larger and am fairly well-balanced when weighing various options (typical Libra). The boyfriend almost always takes my advice in the long run, but it can sometimes take such a long time for him to get there that the stress/anxiety plays out longer than it should.

Our typical pattern is that I reach my breaking point and yell at him to take my advice or leave me out of it. It's only after this point that he appears galvanized into action. It's stressful that it plays out this way, but this is what it seems to take...my getting pissed off and raising my voice.

His parents also seem to let others take advantage and manage to stay quiet until a crisis breaks. Culturally, I was always taught to speak my mind....but I think things are different for them.

But, subconciously, I probably pick people like this to have in my life....I'm not sure of the reason, maybe to give me purpose? When I've dated men who are more in control, I end up feeling controlled / trapped by them...I also feel as if I don't have anything to add...yes, I know...typical co-dependent behaviour...Just not sure how best to change this since it's been ingrained since childhood...!

((((Lido)))) you are here...so you've already started to make the changes