Need immediate help

Hi my name is julian and i have recently gotten a new girlfriend but there are a few problems. We started talking three months ago and at that time she had a boyfriend. During that time we talked everyday through text through phone call and sometimes we hang out. Before we knew it we had fallen in love with each other. She has been stressed out by her boyfriend and he wasnt making things better in her life, at least thats what she told me which I could clearly see. Eventually we weere so much in love we decided to have sex multiple times. EVen though afterwards we both felt bad but we knew what we were doing and we were in love. But she was afraid that she was hurting because she was still with him and I told her the truth that it did hurt to love someone so much and to have them being in the arms of someone else. But I told her dont base her happiness or her descion off of my feelings. I never gave her a ultimatum or anything like that. I also told her whatever she decided I will stand behind her no matter what and always be there for her. ABout a week ago she finally broke up with him. And she was so happy. And so was I. But the problem is we both are in college but we go to seperate schools and she see her ex all the time everyday. He is in most of her classes and most of her extra activities. Last night we had a big argument about who she truly wants cause she has limited restrictions with me and can barley see me like that. Where with him she can see him everyday. Also she claims she loves him but shes not in love with him like she is in love with me but yet at school they still talk and he keep telling her she broke his heart and stuff like that. And I see its making her feel bad and second guessing our relationship. I asked her if she rather get back with him and she said she dosent know. Bascially every questiion I aske was that same answer. I believe he is saying this stuff to make her feel really bad and make her get back with him. She says she is in love with and Im in love with her. I told her if we are truly in love then she wouldnt let him come between us. ANd I also told her to always be honest and truthful with me. Its not like shes lying to me but she barely tells me whats on her mind. And last night it all came out finally and it hurt more than ever. Then to top it off I told her if anything happens with him and her the same way it happened with me I would want her to tell me first before anything happens. Thats fair right? Not in her eyes. She then proceeds to tell me that she didnt tell him bout us and what was going on and she feels like why should she tellmeif it happens. And I told her that I am not him I am a different person and if you love me so much you would be honest and trufthful about things like this. And before this she promised to always behonest with meand now shes breaking that promise. Honestly idk what to do or what to say. I figure I just continue the relationship the best way we possibly can and whatever happens happens. But I dont want her to get back with him or anything like that soplease tell me what should I do and what should I say. I know this is long but thank you for taking the time to listen to my worries and my plea for help and advice I truly need this.

What happened to you'd support her no matter what and she not basing her decisions on your feelings?

It sounds to me like you ignored your feelings, texting and falling in love with another man's woman before she had broken up with the other man; sounds like she wants it both ways and you want it your way, never mind the difficulties she might be having with not being physically close enough to you to sustain a true relationship. What is wrong with the unattached women at your school?

The differnec is we have so much in common and we truly love each other I will always be there for her but all my life I have gien up my happiness to make other people happy make them comfortable while i am uncomfortable for once in my life i am thinking of myself and what I want And I wanther because she is beautiful smart funny she is just everything I ever hope to find in a woman and I don't want to give her up because she makes me happy she tells me that i make her happy too but idk how to handle this I asked her last night did she need space to think did she want to break up with and she said no to both

I really dont want to lose her at all and I want to make things better and I know it will take her time to get over him but how can she when she sees him all the time and less of me I just want to be able to trust her 100% and this whole things scares me

any more thoughts? I really need em.

Usually we tell women who cheat with a man, "if he cheated with you, he will cheat on you." I think this is more about the heartache. That is more exciting than a simple fair relationship. A regular relationship seems boring. Actually it is more challenging but in different more mature ways.

Please explain that more to me in depth

any more advice please im not the type of guy to cheat on my woman i can never do that i know myself and i know my heat so please any more advice

It is completely normal to be a little overwhelmed with choices at her age (and your age, too). She might simply like both of you, which is completely normal as well. I was. In her situation at her age and the subsequent guy (like you in the sequence of events) insisted that I break up completely with the earlier guy. I did. I ended up marrying the subsequent guy for a couple of years and having a son with him who will soon turn 20. The earlier guy was mentalli ill in a severe form and after a few years died from suicide despite best efforts on the part of his doctors. That happened in 1998 and I am still sad. The subsequent guy and my ex first H is alive and well but does not care enough to have either the lightest and most superficial email correspondence with me or any sort of meaningful LD relationship with our son who is his only child. I am extremely mad at him not only for that but also for insisting that I stop seeing the earlier MI guy. I also feel shame and sorrow about breaking up with the earlier guy in such a ruthless way (he tried. To take his life but that time was rushed to the hospital and saved). The earlier guy, a brilliant and hypersensitive person, either bipolar or schizophrenic but more likely bipolar, and a super talented composer, did not insist that I choose between the two. He just wanted me to be with him and I wanted to be with the subsequent guy, too, that was fine with him. In hindsight, I consider this the most loving, considerate, selfless, and also age-appropriate attitude, and offer it for you to emulate. Your girl may be overwhelmed by her feelings, choices, and leanings. Especially with your not being on the premises and his being in her classes. Do not rush her choices. Maybe eventually she will prefer to be your exclusive gf, maybe not, but it is in your power to enjoy the time you two spend together. If she is beautiful and funny and everything you ever wish to find in a woman, then, chances are, now or down the line other boys will want to spend time with heras well. She needs to have an opportunity to slowly and quietly learn how to deal with that amount of attention and how to choose whom to accept and whom to reject. You are absolutely correct in your decision to never give her an ultimatum.

Here, more than you ever wanted to learn about the subject matter. and, always practice safe sex.

I cannot edit on the phone so instead a clarification: for the earlier guy, it was OK if I also wanted to be with the subsequent guy. The subsequent guy who later on became my first husband, insisted that I stay with him exclusively. I obeyed him. I was recently diagnosed with having Dependent Personality and Self Defeating Personality traits, and, in hindsight, that is why I obeyed. If I could go back I would assert my rights to like them both until and unless I personally would feel a need to belong a hundred percent to either one. Understand the difference between OBEYING someone's will and personally feeling the need? That is why you are right to not impose your will on her. Do not even push for honesty but just stay in the moment and enjoy her texts, your time together etc. Let her associate you with enjoyment and freedom rather than demands. And she will then naturally be honest with you, unprompted.

Good luck!

if you love her so much, you need to trust in that love and in her. to not trust her will push her away. trust is what relationships are built on.

thank you for your advice i really apprecate it any more is welcomed

If you need more advice, here it comes: do treat her as a human being, with respect. Do not interrogate her and demand her honesty. You are neither her creditor nor her manager so she does not owe you reports on her private life, and her r/s with the oother guy is her prrivate life to which she has a right being a free human being in a modern society. Drop the topic of the other guy altogether, unless she brings it up on her own volition. Next time you see her, tell her what you told us, that she is beautiful etc. That cannot hurt.

ok thank you all so much im hoping for the best

I have a close friend that was in a very similar relationship. I don't think his girlfriend outright cheated on her previous boyfriend, but my friend did slowly steal her away (Mostly by being a nice guy... Her ex was apparently pretty flippant about the relationship, didn't really make her feel wanted...). But then, when the relationship went some what long distance (My friend moved to another town while she was still at college), and she was still around her ex, plus other guys who were showing interest in her, she got confused. Part of her was really enjoying her new relationship with my friend, but the other part was excited by all the attention she was getting.. new attention from her ex, from other guys, and and from my friend. She never really got a chance to be single and figure out what she really wanted for herself. In the end, my friend and her ended up breaking up. She wanted to have fun, let loose for a while, and knew she couldn't do that and date my friend at the same time.

My hopes for them is that once she's had her fun, she'll realize what a great guy my friend is and will go back to him on her own volition. Basically, what I"m saying, and I hate to say this, but I don't think it's going to end well for you in the short term. I think you need to let her go and have her fun, let her be alone, let HER decide, and simply accept what decision she makes for herself, without pushing her one way or the other. It's sappy, but it's advice I lived by in my dating days, if it's meant to be, it will happen. Maybe not now, but later. Personally, I would talk to her about an open relationship, if you would be comfortable with that. More like dating, not an exclusive "going steady" type relationship. But only do that if you can commit to not letting jealousy get between you and her. If it will, it's probably only going to lead to heart ache for both of you.

I wish you both luck. I feel for your situation. I hated watching my friend go through it.

I understand where you are coming and I thank you for the advice but I have a lot of jealousy and I just don't do open relationships she's kinda Ike that but she has been through a lot these past few years in which she has told me and she has a lot of friends because she is scared to be alone and I can really see that inside her that great fear. But I think I'm gonna stay with her and hopefully things will get better. I know it sounds crazy but despite all these doubts and thoughts I feel like I can still trust her with my heart. Idk what it is but that's how I'm feeling so I'm gonna go with that feeling and if anything happens its another lesson learned.

Great attitude in your last sentence. Way to go.

I find it hard to support your decision to let yourself fall for a girl who was attached to another man but that being said I'll try to be objective as possible. Keep in mind though you were asking for problems getting into a situation like this. The problem is she may have broken up with him based on your pressing the issue, not because she wanted to. You said "don't make a decision based on my feelings" but the truth is that was a little manipulative. Just mentioning it put pressure on her and then you said the part about your feelings just to deflect the responsibility. That's how I see it. Maybe she wasn't sure and now you're feeling the repercussions of this. She's still undecided and you're at a disadvantage, not only being long distance, but because you're the other man.

now I pose a question to you. I think that both of you were wrong for even getting involved but even so here is the question: do you really want to be with a woman that can get herself mixed up with another guy while supposedly being attached to one already? Who's to say she won't do the same thing to you? Of course you're not innocent in this but at the same time you're in for some turbulent waters ahead.

I don't know what else to tell you other than find a woman that is actually available before you start having sex and dating them.

Sorry I can't be more helpful
~s4

Well, what girls/women like is a sense of "security" and "feeling safe". Chances are this other BF doesn't provide that for her somehow. And she gets emotionally "confused" by him. He is probably "imature" himself and doesn't know what "he" wants either.

The best thing you can do is "not pressure her" but instead become her "haven" where she feels relaxed and safe with you, able to just enjoy herself, relax, have fun, and explore.

If a girl is with two guys that are "needy" and "demanding" she will choose the needy one she at least is used to being with. In the end though, she may discard both of these "needy demanding men" feeling exhausted and confused and wait for some "more balanced" guy to come along eventually.

Honestly? girls get tired of "the I need you speaches" and even the "you are so beautiful, I need you, want you speaches". While you may be "considering "your" needs, maybe you are not hearing hers, or paying attention to who she is as a person as well. Girls in the age group you are talking about, don't quite honestly "know" what they want and often they just want to spend time with different men to see what they "do" like.

I understand that you really have strong feelings for this girl, but if you put demands on her and she isn't ready to make a choice, she will end up not wanting to see you at all.

My daughter would often "run away from or get turned off by the guys that "put too many demands on her, or the I need you, need you speaches.

Also, the "college years" are all about "self discovery" and both girls and guys this age group don't always really "know" what they want yet. So allow yourself to "learn" and give this encounter some "space", either it will evolve into something or it wont, but you can't "make" it happen. And if you try to do that, then the other person may feel too pressured and just disconnect.

Open Eyes

Agreed. Personally if I think I need someone, ummm I think it's totaly the wrong person for me to be with, tbh. I don't want to need anyone but be happy to be with them... like they're the icing on my cake.

Never said I was right I appreciate the advice though and I know what it could mean for me in the future but ain't love about taking risk? I mean you can't have love without pain and vice versa and besides you'll never know like I said we love each other and I'm gonna stick with my choice for now if I see anything differently from her or if she tells me then things will take its course of action can't be afraid to love and I promised myself I will never let fear take control of me

I know you guys are just trying to help and I really do appreciate it so thank you for all your words I needed them

Life is very messy, in general, and does not follow neatly organized lines. Feelings are especially messy and non-linear. For this reason, boys fall in love with girls who are "attached" to someone else every day. At any age. Maybe more at OP's age than later because people, perhaps, become more rational and cautious with age, but I would not make this claim without having data at hand.

The same is true if you reverse the genders: girls fall in love with boys attached to someone else every day. C'est la vie. To expect anything else is counterfactual.

That is very true you know before i met her i told myself i wouldnt get involved with females in relationship unless it was just a friend thing and i have mant friends who are girls in relationships and im cool with them and they are cool with me but my gf was different it was like i found my soulmate and i broke the promise to myself.

Well, you wrote clearly that "she is beautiful smart funny she is just everything I ever hope to find in a woman". So she is what in economics would be called "first best". Women someone dubbed "unattached" on here were probably "second best" or "third best". You went for "first best" - the highest return. With the highest return, as a rule, comes the highest risk. You understand that as well. Quoting you: "ain't love about taking risk?" You are willing to pay the highest price, in terms of risk, in order to have a chance to win the highest return. That is your story in economic terms. And, you are completely rational and mature in how you make your choices. Your understanding of the risks involved is especially mature.