[Needs Marital help]

I am 27 years old, I have been married for 3 1/2 years. I love my husband very much and I always thought we had a great relationship...I mean every couple has there issues, and we had ours. About a month ago, my husband and I got into a very bad fight all because I did not leave the foyer light on before I left for work, and when he got home it was dark and he had trouble seeing. We have had this conversation before, but i forget to leave the light on because when i leave for work its daylight out. Well this particular night I came home and was on the phone with his dad and my husband yanked the phone out of my hand and threw it down the hall, and persisted to scream at me that I didn't leave the light on, and I cant do anything right (clean, etc). he screamed at me for a good 30 mins then he stated that either I need to fix things or he is going to kill himself. Well then he packed a bag and walked out the door. He came back about 4 hours later and stated that he wanted a divorce. This all happened on a Friday. He then stated that he is tried of supporting me, and that he makes twice as much money as i do (even though he is the one with a huge spending problem and we have been trying to work on this...he spends approx 600-800 a week on things NOT HOUSEHOLD STUFF! Then that Saturday he ignored me all day and then when I went to work on Sunday, I got home and he has moved all this belongings to the basement. He has now said that he does not want a divorce, but im still unsure. He is still living in the basement ie sleeping, showering, all his belongings. He doesn't really talk to me, unless he wants sex...which is not happening. He has since opened up his own bank account at a separate bank than our current one and has not contributed to any bills for almost a month. I know that I need to contact a marriage counsler and try to work things out. but at the same time I feel as if im being selfish because I am 27. I am not getting any younger and I would like to start a family soon, and i feel as if i cannot bring a child into this kind of environment. I dont know what to do.

Oh no! This sounds like an emergency. Can you get him to talk to you? If you remain separated in your hearts and in your house, it sounds likely for a full break up because you both have time to adjust slowly in pieces to the idea of not being together. You guys need to break the tension, perhaps he will be willing to talk about your problems and your future? Would he go to counseling?

[fedup1]

Sounds like your husband needs serious anger management! All of that because you forgot to turn the light on??? Holy crap! I hope he gets some therapy because if you plan on staying together you are right you don't want to bring a child into that angry violent environment!!

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by Needs Marital help

Well this particular night I came home and was on the phone with his dad and my husband yanked the phone out of my hand and threw it down the hall, and persisted to scream at me that I didn't leave the light on, and I cant do anything right (clean, etc).

At this point you could have called the police and had him arrested. He needs you more than you need him. I think the divorce would be your best bet. After things settle you can then examine what attracted you to him to begin with. You can definitely do better. If anything you are not being selfish enough and the situation you are in is not normal.

[Needs Marital help]

He has said he will go to counselling, but he will only go if they are covered by insurance, and I am having difficulty finding one that takes insurance, and now with the financial burden on my shoulders, I cannot afford it out of pocket.

So, the same thing happened last night. I came home and he was in a ****** mood so i let him be in the basement at 9:00 he came upstairs and asked what was for dinner, I had assumed he had eaten because there were dirty dishes in the sink. so we got into an argument and he slept in the basement of course, but then at 5:30 this morning he came up stairs looking for sex...I am just so tired of it... and is it stupid for me not to give it to him and will it make matters worse?

[Leed]

Why in the world would you give him sex when he's abusing you? HECK no! You don't have to give him sex just because he wants it. He's just USING you.

Thank God you don't have children. I would HATE to think they'd have to see this kind of treatment of their mother.

Personally, I don't think this foyer light is the main issue. For him to have gone off THAT violently because it wasn't on, is ridiculous. I think he had something else on his mind.

Is there a possibility that he MIGHT have someone else on the side? Even a slight possibility? It just seems to me that he was trying to pick a fight -- and the foyer light just happened to be "the thing" at the right time. Seems to me like he's been trying to ask you for a divorce for a long time, and this was the perfect time -- he got to pick a fight and move to the basement!

I'd ask him if he really wants a divorce, or if he REALLY wants marriage counseling. He hasn't grown up yet. He's still a little boy, and if he can't have his own way he's going to throw a temper tantrum. I don't think I'd like to live with someone like that -- and now would be the perfect time to get RID of him BEFORE you start a family. Counseling might help, but you're still going to have trouble with this one. Do you want a lifetime of taking care of another "little boy?" I wouldn't want to.

You deserve a mature, settled, decent, loving, caring, man who cherishes you and who wants to be with you til the day he dies!! It's certainly not THIS ONE. Find another -- get rid of this one. You'll never regret it! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Doingmybest]

I think Lee said it best. hun, you deserve better

[lynn P.]

Sorry this is happening and I agree with Leed. His outburst is very immature and I doubt it will get better. As you see, he's not taking any responsibility for his part in this. What if he lived alone - he would have to turn on his own light, which isn't hard to do or he can buy a mini flashlight that attaches to a key ring. This isn't a simple light problem but indicates an anger management problem and these are difficult to treat.

This will continue to be an ongoing battle. Next time he'll do more than throw the phone and its obvious he's turned this into a physical threat. Having kids will just put more stress on this marriage. I feel you should contact a good lawyer and get out of this marriage ASAP. Don't fall for promises he'll get better or his pathetic threats. He needs professional help that you can't give him. Him moving in the basement is just to scare you and him asking for sex is wrong. He's putting restrictions on you but expects you to be the same giving wife. This won't get better and you'll begin to lose yourself.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

This will continue to be an ongoing battle. Next time he'll do more than throw the phone and its obvious he's turned this into a physical threat. Having kids will just put more stress on this marriage. I feel you should contact a good lawyer and get out of this marriage ASAP. Don't fall for promises he'll get better or his pathetic threats. He needs professional help that you can't give him. Him moving in the basement is just to scare you and him asking for sex is wrong. He's putting restrictions on you but expects you to be the same giving wife. This won't get better and you'll begin to lose yourself.

Wow. This could be advice to me too. Thanks for sharing.

[kaliope]

he has essentially already left the marriage by moving into the basement and getting his own checking acct. the light was just his excuse as already stated. this is his issue, not yours. he's made the choice to be a room mate and wanting one with benefits. you do not have to tolerate that and he shouldnt be living there for free. he should be paying his half of the bills and making his own meals. no benefits. marriage counseling could get to the root of what happened, but whatever it was, it has been brewing for a long time.

[katya093]

hai there !
well from reading your story this sounds like a
messy situation .
i wouldn't say its your fault either at all .
we all make little mistakes like that . ( leaving something on , forgetting to shut the door etc. )
I agree with you i don't think starting a family would be the best with him acting like this towards you .
I would sit him down no matter what is going on and
say
" hunny (what ever you call your lover ) -
we need to talk , I know we have our ups and downs
but you are the man i love with my whole heart .
I want to be on the same wave length as you and make you happy .
I want to make things better between us , how can i do this ?"

I took a lot of communication classes and I statements come off in a more approachable way even if its him , it helps .
you don't want to put all the energy on his actions.
start there and see what happens .
just be very up front and
if he cant see that you are trying to
make things better then I dont know.. professional help maybe ?
good luck!

[Needs Marital help]

so Last night, He stated that he is not going to go to counseling, because its a waste of his money. He is not happy about anything in his life. He is also to bread winner...and he stated that I make **** for money and that he cant work anymore because society is full of a bunch of *** holes and liars. and he said he is going to quit his job, and because I am so committed to OUR marriage that I need to figure out how to fix it. so being the person I am I was like well i guess I need to get a second job, and he was like yes that's exactly what you need to do. Mind You I own a small business, I own a hair salon with my In-Laws and I don't have time for a second job. also, he knew what I made as far as money goes before we got married and new what i wanted out of my career and its NOT a million dollar career. I hate to say it but i think my marriage is over unless i can bring back the man i met and married.

This is absolutely abuse. The fact that he would get physical with you because you forgot the light alone is abuse. The idea that he would threaten suicide because of the fight says he is an extremely unstable person. Then he threatens divorce and takes it back but at the same time goes to the basement to live?

I know it's hard to but you described things as if things are relatively good with you two and then you describe an extremely unstable, unhappy and abusive man and a very extreme episode. Think about the relationship. What is going on taht you haven't told us? I ask that not assuming you've kept it from the post (only you know that) but because maybe you've been in denial about something and have not seen the signs? Thing is, it would be rare to see this extreme response to something as small as a light being left off all off a sudden after 3.5 years. I know it could happen but I'm sure it's rare. Something is missing from this description. Either he is in the midst of a huge emotional breakdown (if this is brand new behavior) or this has been going on and has just now escalated. Either case, you don't only need marriage counseling, he needs help. Maybe even more than the marriage counseling at this point. Something is very very wrong here.

A simple solution for this could have been that he turn on the farking light when he leaves! wait what? he didn't even think of that?

I agree with Leed. he wants to virtually separate from you by living in the basement? Then he doesn't get the benefits of calling on you when he wants sex. You're not his toy, you're not his wh*re to be called on to meet his physical needs only. He wants that, he should have his divorce and go live near a Cat house.

If he's unwilling to get help, either with you but especially for himself. Get out. I'll make no bones about this. He won't acknowledge his abuse and get help, it's not going to get better but worse. he probably only lives down there because he couldn't afford it and his spending habits at the same time.

Originally Posted by Needs Marital help

so Last night, He stated that he is not going to go to counseling, because its a waste of his money. He is not happy about anything in his life. He is also to bread winner...and he stated that I make **** for money and that he cant work anymore because society is full of a bunch of *** holes and liars. and he said he is going to quit his job, and because I am so committed to OUR marriage that I need to figure out how to fix it. so being the person I am I was like well i guess I need to get a second job, and he was like yes that's exactly what you need to do. Mind You I own a small business, I own a hair salon with my In-Laws and I don't have time for a second job. also, he knew what I made as far as money goes before we got married and new what i wanted out of my career and its NOT a million dollar career. I hate to say it but i think my marriage is over unless i can bring back the man i met and married.

I hadn't read this post when I answered your original one. he's an arrogant pig. I'm sorry but he's just spouting off crap left and right showing how self-righteous and arrogant he is. He feels you "owe it to him" since he makes oodles of money more than you and blah blah blah. yeah well if he's capable of working, there's no reason for him to quit except for throwing a dang tantrum 3 yr old style to make a point - of which I do not know. That's he's a man and deserves something - ugh.

Like I said if he's unwilling to get counseling, I'm afraid you might be right about your marriage unless you alone can get him to change. That's unlikely.

I'm so sorry for this. *hugs*

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Needs Marital help

then he stated that either I need to fix things or he is going to kill himself

He has a problem that only he can solve. I would not stay with a man this unstable, especially as he has refused to get help. You do not have a problem with your marriage, you work and make "enough" money to suit you and clean and take care of yourself as well as you wish to and would like to help and partner with him but he will not let you.

Do not get a second job because he does not wish to work. You are working and are satisfied with your work and life; let him know his personal threats to you and refusal to work on your marriage is damaging that marriage and he needs to decide does he want to say in that marriage (and contribute positively to it) or does he want to drive you away. You cannot live his life for him, give him what he wants, only he can know/get what he wants for himself through his own living/life/personal work. You have your own life to live and it does not include carrying the weight of his illness or whatever when he will not try to help himself.

[Needs Marital help]

So an update, he has decided to seek help. We have an appt. on wends to see a psychiatrist. However, last monday he came home early from work at 3 and not 6, and I could tell right off the bat that he was in a bad mood so i stayed outta his way. On wends the local sheriffs department came to my work looking for him because his work has not heard from him or seen him since monday. They then went to my house to talk to him. Then , when i got home and confronted him about it he said that he was not going back to work and that his job has made his life miserable, and feels that they have ruined his work-life for him and we will never be able to hold a normal job because of them. So, when I asked if he was ever going to find another job his response was no, because he cant hold a normal job and he is not gonna be able to find a job that can pay our bills. He thinks that I should get a second job...I run a salon as stated in my previous post that his parents and I own (they live out of state). He mainly wants to seek psychiatric help because he thinks that they will sign off on disability for him NOT to work! He states that he cant work anymore, but yet when i get home from work there is a pile of dirty dishes in sink, trash has not been taken out, and he was played XBOX ALL DAY! then i come home we eat dinner that I have cooked we watch tv for a few then he goes back to the basement to his XBOX. I think....If you cant concentrate to work then how can you concentrate enough to strategies to play xbox all day long. I would love some advice to bring up to the doc. when we go on wends or talk to someone who has been down this path...any and ALL help would be great. I still love him dearly, but Im not sure how much more of this i can deal with.