[l6886l]

I've been married for 18 years and just over the past year have began to wonder if I am suffering from at least some form of emotional abuse. My husband often makes derogatory remarks (often sexually demeaning), criticizes me, and tells me parts of my body that need "improvement" (I'm 5'2", weigh 115lbs and workout all the time, so I feel he has no room to complain). He even complains about things that would require plastic surgery to fix, like my lips are "too thin" and I should do something to plump them up. I don't understand why he doesn't like me the way I am and it hurts.

He gets mad when I tell him that the things he says hurt me and often asks "can't you take a joke?" or tells me I am "overly sensitive".

He has had 2 affairs. One on-line and recently, a full-blown physical affair. He came clean on both of them. I allowed him to stay and now, even with some very mild improvements, I wish I would not have. I am also realizing that I must suffer from some sort of co-dependency to have put up with all of this for such a long time.

I have actually even told him that I believe he is emotionally abusive and he says "whatever". I have only recently began to tell him it's not okay to talk down to me and he has been doing better, but I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I kind of want out, but feel guilty as he has made a few tiny improvements. I feel bad for wanting to leave as I know he's not a terrible person in general, he just doesn't know how to have a healthy, committed relationship and doesn't seem to want to do what it would truly take to fix things. Yet, I'm just tired and feel like I don't deserve this garbage.

He does not engage much with our child either unless I press him to spend time with her and it's obvious that she resents him.

So, my question is this: Is this all some form of emotional abuse or something else?

Thanks,

Frustrated and Tired

[Leed]

Yes, my friend it IS emotional abuse. And many times it's worse than physical abuse because it lasts longer. Physical abuse heals in time. But emotional abuse lasts longer because it takes mental issues longer to heal.

I'm surprised you stayed too after *2* affairs. One I can see forgiving, but 2 I would NOT have forgiven. But I'm not you and I cannot judge. It just seems that once a cheater, always a cheater. They never seem to stop once they get started. And of course YOU are always the one they blame for their affairs. It's never THEIR fault. They can't take responsibility for anything.

I too was a victim of emotional/mental abuse for 26 years and I finally got divorced. I stayed for the sake of the kids, which was ridiculous. Kids are happy in a happy home -- and we certainly didn't have one. They would have been better off if we got divorced. I would have been happy -- and they would have been too because it would have been a happy home! But I waited til the youngest was 18 to divorce. And it DID effect them. They've forgiven me and know why I did what I did - but they wish I'd done it sooner.

I can't tell you what to do but if you're miserable, life is too short to live like that. If he won't go to counseling, you haven't go many choices left. TRY and see if he will go to marriage counseling. He really needs it. Perhaps the marriage can be saved. But if not -- do what you have to do. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[hamster-bamster]

I think that complaining about thin lips and not spending time with the daughter, taken together, qualify as grounds for marriage dissolution.

[hamster-bamster]

And another thing... a lot of people, like Lee, stay for the sake of the children. But if your husband does not spend time, voluntarily, with the daughter, you do not have this "reason".

[l6886l]

Thanks ladies! I appreciate your input. I need to finally take some steps to get myself mentally/emotionally healthy.

I think one reason I justify things is that they often get better for a while and then go right back to bad again. It's like being on a roller coaster. He seems to do better whenever he is afraid I will leave (as I have threatened this a few times), but the moment I relax and think everything is "okay", he goes right back to his old ways.

I know for a fact that I allowed him to stay after the 2nd affair for two reasons. One, I was scared to death of not having the means to provide enough financially for our daughter and two, I really thought I would be "the hero" and he would finally change because I am "such a good woman" for allowing him to stay. Sadly, some of the derogatory remarks actually got worse.

I feel that I need to give him the opportunity to go to counseling. Mostly because I know he will accuse me of all sorts of things and say I didn't give him a chance if I don't. Then, if he won't go to counseling or if he does go but still does not change, then I need to get the courage to leave. I know he will blame me and make it look like my fault to his friends and family. He has done this in the past when we have had issues, but I have to remind myself that this is simply not true, even though he has been very successful at making me feel like things are my fault.

One of the main reasons I have stayed is for our daughter. However, she actually told me recently that if I am staying for her sake, "please don't".

I appreciate your confirmation in my thoughts. Maybe things will finally turn around for me now... Any and all prayers are appreciated!!

God bless!

Originally Posted by l6886l

I kind of want out, but feel guilty as he has made a few tiny improvements.

I hope you do not mind me speaking up, but this line you wrote - for me it always screams 'manipulation'. I see and hear it quite often, and its like a woman has been worn down for so long that any tiny crumb a man offers is taken.
Well.. I do not think its good enough. I hope am not out of line here, but with his affairs and his nitpicking over your appearance, I do not think he respects you, and he doesn't seem to respect his own daughter either.

I hope you know that if you do decide to leave, it is not your fault, and nor should you care about the opinions of his family and friends. I think, after living this long with put-downs and 2 affairs, you can hold your head up high. You've worked harder than many people would've done.

Good luck in whatever you chose to do.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by l6886l

(as I have threatened this a few times)

I know for a fact that I allowed him to stay after the 2nd affair for two reasons. One, I was scared to death of not having the means to provide enough financially for our daughter and two, I really thought I would be "the hero" and he would finally change because I am "such a good woman" for allowing him to stay.

Making threats is abuse, too. It does not sound like either you or your husband is very self-aware and working for what they really want. You are settling and letting him settle/not do much to make things right.

I would try marriage counselling and/or individual counselling for myself, because I'm worth it and want to change, not because he wants me to change?

I had to laugh at myself because when you did the "thin lips, you should plump them up" I thought of a piece of his anatomy that could probably use work too, being small, that he wouldn't like negative comments about?

[avlady]

Thats great you finally took the steps to getting out, he was an abuser and I hope you enjoy the rest of your life, and maybe even meet someone else with the courage and hope of finding someone else (i mean don't be afraid)

[IceCreamKid]

I hope this helps. What your husband is doing is wrong and it is abuse. It isn't a "joke" to tell someone her lips are too thin. Criticizing someone for a natural attribute is mean and underhanded. When my husband was up to no good I all of a sudden was a miserable wretch and he (apparently ) was doing me a favor by staying married to me, even though I was so horrible in so many ways. He eventually did me an even bigger favor by ditching me for what he thought were greener pastures (and hornier fillies, I guess). And he continued to try to vilify me--talking rudely to me, being sarcastic in communications, until I just stopped putting up with it.

If you want to try to stay married to this man, I would offer him the opportunity of going to marriage counseling with you, and that refusal wasn't an option but a direct ticket to divorce. I'd make it clear you expect your relationship to change to one of mutual respect or you see no need to be married, and I would point out that you have made this decision knowing the poor affect his abuse of you and neglect of his daughter is having.

One last thing that might help you personally. You are fine. Your weight is fine, your height is fine, your lips are fine. Decent men gravitate towards women who give off an aura of beauty, which I believe comes from within. Part of that perceived beauty is what the man thinks he sees in the woman, and part of it is her attitude about herself and the world shining through. Bad men gravitate towards beauty, too, but they mistreat it.

[Harley47]

This is, undoubtedly, emotional abuse. He has absolutely no right to speak to you this way, and please, believe me when I say you have done nothing to "warrant" behavior like this. He is not joking...your feelings and self esteem are not a joke. He is being incredibly insensitive to you, and his behavior is simply wrong. I am sorry you have suffered through this.

Icecream made an excellent post that I hope you will be able to follow. Marriage counseling is the best way to go, and it cannot be an option. Do keep in mind though that he will have to commit to it...him simply going through the motions cannot work. He has to be wiling to dedicate himself to actually making this work and to improve your marriage. I hope he will be able to do that.

Lastly, please listen to what IceCreamKid said. You are fine. There is nothing at all "wrong" with you. Don't let his lies about you become the truth in your mind. You know you're a beautiful, wonderful person. Don't let him shake that faith.

Please know I am praying for you, and I wish you all of my best.

Hugs,
Harley

this is the same sort of emotional abuse that i suffered when i was still living with my mother. we don't talk anymore.

i suggest you not give him the chance to keep doing this to you. if at all possible, i suggest you find a way to get you and your daughter out and at least go through a separation, during which he must agree to marriage counseling and show improvement over a long period of time, not just a couple weeks or months. your daughter doesn't deserve to see her mother mistreated, either.

if there is anywhere you can go, please go there when you can. don't threaten him with leaving. just leave. otherwise he will keep thinking that you're just threatening and that you will always be there to clean up after his messes.

[hamster-bamster]

You are actually the worst woman complaining of husband's complaining of IMMUTABLE characteristics! I know about complaints about wives' losing their figures but at least it is a complaint about losing something that was true in the past. To complain about thin lips is just outrageous.

[l6886l]

Thanks so much to all of you! Your posts truly brought tears to my eyes.

One post that bothers me... I never thought of my threats of leaving as being "abuse" as Perna stated. I had just tried everything else and felt he needed to know I was serious about things needing to change if he wanted to stay married to me. I thought it was more of finally setting some boundaries, like we do with our kids. In other words: "If you can't respect me, I can't stay." Like you'd tell a teenager: "If you can't be home by curfew, you'll be grounded.". Am I off-base here? If I am being abusive, what should I have said? Seems to me he needs to know the consequences if things don't change. I thought I was just warning him, rather than just up and leaving...

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

You are actually the worst woman complaining of husband's complaining of IMMUTABLE characteristics! I know about complaints about wives' losing their figures but at least it is a complaint about losing something that was true in the past. To complain about thin lips is just outrageous.

oh I am so sorry. I meant to say the FIRST woman

[l6886l]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

oh I am so sorry. I meant to say the FIRST woman

LOL! No worries! Thanks for the clarification .