[blondie123456]

what do you do when you constantly find out your boyfriend is lying about small things? i know he is lying because 1-i will have a feeling about it (and am always right) and he will admit it ONLY when we fight, and 2-his stories dont match when i snoop through his computer. his constant lies have made me lose all trust i have in him. i cant even talk to him about it because he just gets mad and turns the fight onto something that i have done to make him mad. i have been with him for a few years and it drives me crazy because i feel like i cant ask him anything without it being a lie..how can you trust someone to tell the truth when they have lied so much in the past? i found he was lying again today and i dont even know if i should confront him on it so it is just eating me up inside. even if i did confront him, he would never tell the truth until we are fighting. does anyone have any suggestions to how to deal with this - and please have a more elaborate answer then 'just leave him'.

I just have to say something to this..
Even if I don't have advice for you, I'm sorry. But I'm dealing with the exact same things you are saying...and I've put up with it for soooo long. It happened again tonight. Just flat out lying even though he must have known I knew the truth. I think it is just an ingrained habit for him...but I also think it is because he has no consience. I think the term is sociopath. Not saying you're boyfriend is the same. But even small things he lies about. I don't think people who constantly lie can change. I'm feeling like if I can't trust him, then our relationship has nothing to stand on. Do you feel like that? If you can't trust him how will anything work?

[NoCake]

I would confront him and ask him why he's not talking. I think you really need to get a serious conversation going. And honestly if it's been happening frequently then it would have to be dumb luck for it to just mysteriously stop without some kind of talk.

Now if he refuses to communicate then I guess it depends on you. But without communication it's hard to see this getting any better.

[Leed]

A relationship that has no trust has NOTHING. There is nothing to build on, and there is nothing to stand on, so the relationship falls apart. Trust HAS to be #1 in a relationship. If you know your partner is lying and you do nothing, then you're almost as guilty. You're enabling him. By letting him continue to get away with this, it solidifies the FAILURE of the relationship.

There's no future with someone who lies. And with no future, you must leave, or make HIM leave. Without intensive therapy, he's not going to get better. And anyone who would stay with someone who continually lies needs help too.

Life is too wonderful to be spent with someone like that. Perhaps you've spent so much time with him you've forgotten how great life can be. I hope you'll get rid of this one, and find someone who will RESPECT and love you the way you deserve it. Right now, he's not respecting you and insults your dignity. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[blondie123456]

Originally Posted by kelly4519

I just have to say something to this..
Even if I don't have advice for you, I'm sorry. But I'm dealing with the exact same things you are saying...and I've put up with it for soooo long. It happened again tonight. Just flat out lying even though he must have known I knew the truth. I think it is just an ingrained habit for him...but I also think it is because he has no consience. I think the term is sociopath. Not saying you're boyfriend is the same. But even small things he lies about. I don't think people who constantly lie can change. I'm feeling like if I can't trust him, then our relationship has nothing to stand on. Do you feel like that? If you can't trust him how will anything work?

i do feel like that sometimes, but i feel like if i let go and end it then it was my fault we didnt work out because i gave up. i also feel like its a habit for him as well. i dont confront him because i was snooping on his computer which im not 'allowed' to do behind his back (which makes sense because i wouldnt like that either). i feel like i snoop and dont say anything just so when i ask him specific questions and he lies, at least i still know the truth and see how often it happens. he lies about little things so i feel like breaking up over a small issue wouldnt be worth it. ive confronted him so many times and nothing ever changes. he says he lies about these small things because i cant handle the truth and just overreact. (even though he agrees its not right to lie just because the other might get upset). i just feel trapped inside my own head and feel like i have no one to talk to/relate to which is why i signed up here. i try to pick and choose my battles and i found an excuse to go on his computer today and 'accidently' view something i wanted to ask him about. i did it in a way he wouldnt feel like i was snooping or attacking him in anyway so i got a good answer out of it.it eased my mind a bit..even though i know it is just one battle won out of a war. thank you for all the response

[hamster-bamster]

You do not have an obligation to apply all your effort to work it out. If you cannot handle it, you need another guy. Pathological lying out of habit is rare, so, with a little luck, you will never have to deal with this issue again. It will be part of your past.

[shezbut]

((blondie))

I was once with a pathological liar. *Joe was really bad! Huge, horrible lies that I would have to be an idiot to believe. Yet, Joe made up these grandiose lies continuously. After (maybe??) 6 months, I couldn't take it anymore and finally broke up with him.

That really was one of the best decisions that I ever made in my youth! For some reason, Joe just couldn't handle being seen as an "average" guy. He sure as heck wasn't going to change for me. Joe had been this way for many years. Just being with me wasn't going to turn him around & I certainly could NOT trust or believe anything that he said to me. Being with Joe was absolutely pointless. Even when I was with him I recognized that staying with Joe was wrong. I finally made myself break up with him and stick to it, despite his begging to come back and insisting that he loved me.

It's time to say goodbye to your boyfriend imo, blondie. It doesn't sound as though your bf is as dramatic as Joe was, no. But it really does sound like the same pattern, bringing up the same feelings that I had, within you.

[maggy.ng]

Originally Posted by blondie123456

..I just feel trapped inside my own head and feel like i have no one to talk to/relate to which is why i signed up here.

The same reason as mine. I cant find any help from my relatives and friends 'cause my problem is hard to confide.

I will say that I think Leed hit the nail on the head. It's not that there are lies that have to be overcome but it seems that he is a habitual liar. It's not just once but clearly many times he's done this and that says to me that he has no intentions on doing things differently and therefore he has little respect for you and you should move on. You can't base a long term relationship on something that is not real, ie., Lies, deceit. it will fall apart sooner or later and why wait? Cut loose from this wretched person and find a real man with a backbone and integrity.

[2_b_free]

It's emotionally draining to talk to liars. Spending a lot of time and attention trying to figure out the truth and why the lie. Chances are liars have forgotten and walk away without another thought. They simply don't care.

Only you can tell how much time you waste on this other persons issues; if you think he is worth it, then learn to turn a blind eye.

[RiotOfWords]

I think a lot of people have dealt with this... my ex used to lie about everything.. even things he knew he didn't have to lie about....come to find out... it was really that he just... HATED confrontation, so out of fear of it, he'd just automatically lie. It's worth a shot to try a soft approach to discussing the lying.

[Betrayed1]

Originally Posted by blondie123456

what do you do when you constantly find out your boyfriend is lying about small things? i know he is lying because 1-i will have a feeling about it (and am always right) and he will admit it ONLY when we fight, and 2-his stories dont match when i snoop through his computer. his constant lies have made me lose all trust i have in him. i cant even talk to him about it because he just gets mad and turns the fight onto something that i have done to make him mad. i have been with him for a few years and it drives me crazy because i feel like i cant ask him anything without it being a lie..how can you trust someone to tell the truth when they have lied so much in the past? i found he was lying again today and i dont even know if i should confront him on it so it is just eating me up inside. even if i did confront him, he would never tell the truth until we are fighting. does anyone have any suggestions to how to deal with this - and please have a more elaborate answer then 'just leave him'.

I can relate my husband lies to me all the time...he is not forthcoming about things. When I confront him he tries to continue to lie but I know already what the truth is and I just want to see if he will actually come clean and yet, he doesn't...until I show him all of my hard evidence. He doesn't fight with me, but he has a tendency to lie and bs again...even after he promises me he won't ever do it. I myself am trying to find answers. We are going to counseling now and we are hoping our therapist will provide us with solutions/guidance, especially for him... I need him to stop lying or (I already told him) I am giving him one last chance.

Do you see yourself being with your bf for the long term? Do you have future plans? The reason why I am asking is if you answer yes to these ...then it would be to your benefit to get counseling now. I know of many who have done this, including myself. I went to counseling with my ex-fiancée (the one I was with before I met my current husband). So, I caught my ex on lies. I demanded tat we go to counseling if he really wanted me to give him another chance and take him proposal seriously. He agreed, and we went to a handful of sessions. The therapists questioned him quite a bit about his lies...and shortly after i assessed that we weren't right for each other and that i couldn't be with him for the rest of my life. Perhaps, that is what it can do for you and/or your bf. it's best to know now...than when you're married...that is when it is harder to walk away.

[Stupidfool]

I am in the same situation with you too...but i won't confront him...because he will not admit he lied...he keeps on saying i don't understand and spare a thought for him in everything he does.
If he wants to hide or lie something, it is pointless to get to the real reason because you will never know when he will be telling the truth, when he is lying. Even he tells you the truth, do you think you will believe his words?
If you can live with such a guy who lie to you, then continue to be with him...but if you feel you can't live with such a guy who cheat, leave him...you will be more happier...because you have doubt in whatever he said, it is hard to live together for long. One fine day, you will realised you deserved more than what he treats you.

[Betrayed1]

Originally Posted by Stupidfool

I am in the same situation with you too...but i won't confront him...because he will not admit he lied...he keeps on saying i don't understand and spare a thought for him in everything he does.
If he wants to hide or lie something, it is pointless to get to the real reason because you will never know when he will be telling the truth, when he is lying. Even he tells you the truth, do you think you will believe his words?
If you can live with such a guy who lie to you, then continue to be with him...but if you feel you can't live with such a guy who cheat, leave him...you will be more happier...because you have doubt in whatever he said, it is hard to live together for long. One fine day, you will realised you deserved more than what he treats you.

I agree with your statement...You're right...I feel unhappy most of the time nowadays, whereas, I was happy most of the time when I was single and i always had a positive outlook....and now, that is not the case. I never thought in a million years he would bring me down...I didn't even feel hopeless while I helped him get back on his feet (during his manic-depressive episode). He was depressed day & night for 9 months straight. I stayed strong and was there for him no matter what ...i did not waiver. Now, I don't feel that way anymore, because I feel pain in my heart for the awful things he has done to me...I feel hopeless now.

[jcl76]

I would have evidence on my ex and when I told her I know the truth she wanted to not talk about it now and would avoid me. Then it wouldnt take long her to find something she didnt like about me. I will admit I said some hurtful thing (ALTHOUGH true), like tell her she had no integrity. Oh well....anyway she would get mad at me and trash me for being mean, BUT NEVER address the lie.

[asp1079]

Originally Posted by blondie123456

what do you do when you constantly find out your boyfriend is lying about small things? i know he is lying because 1-i will have a feeling about it (and am always right) and he will admit it ONLY when we fight, and 2-his stories dont match when i snoop through his computer. his constant lies have made me lose all trust i have in him. i cant even talk to him about it because he just gets mad and turns the fight onto something that i have done to make him mad. i have been with him for a few years and it drives me crazy because i feel like i cant ask him anything without it being a lie..how can you trust someone to tell the truth when they have lied so much in the past? i found he was lying again today and i dont even know if i should confront him on it so it is just eating me up inside. even if i did confront him, he would never tell the truth until we are fighting. does anyone have any suggestions to how to deal with this - and please have a more elaborate answer then 'just leave him'.

I wish I had an easier and more kind answer - one more hopeful. But small, petty lying that is frequent, along with being secretive and closed-off about activities or things going on without you around, is not a good sign. And it shows that this person will not be very honest most likely in the long run. It is even a worse sign that you have already been together for over 12 months and he is exhibiting this kind of behavior, especially if he did not used to (?).

You have the right to assertively - keyword - confront him. It's not fair of him to keep secrets behind your back, or make you play the guessing game and have anxiety. I had a boyfriend of a few months just like this, and it ended our relationship. He was very dishonest, probably did not cheat but often made me wonder if he did or at least thought about it, and I was always questioning where he was sometimes, or what he was doing. I had to pull teeth to get solid, stable answers out of him when we made plans or asked about what he was up to, in a normal way a partner should. It was all so weird and honestly nobody deserves it!!! You don't either.

I feel like just leaving him is not the good answer here either. You need to try to work it out before calling it quits. Good luck...

[Betrayed1]

Originally Posted by jcl76

I would have evidence on my ex and when I told her I know the truth she wanted to not talk about it now and would avoid me. Then it wouldnt take long her to find something she didnt like about me. I will admit I said some hurtful thing (ALTHOUGH true), like tell her she had no integrity. Oh well....anyway she would get mad at me and trash me for being mean, BUT NEVER address the lie.

It is definitely worse when the "guilty" spouse, not only, avoids the confrontation and doesn't give any answers, but also turns it around on you in an attempt to make you feel guilty. Wow. Sorry to hear that is what you're dealing with.