[NaiveNoreen]

Hi,
I joined this group a month ago but don't seem to know what I'm doing on this board so I'm going to try again to introduce myself and see if I can post things properly and get more feedback.
I'm fairly normal (I think) but do have some depression and marriage issues. The most recent thing issue came because I took in a friend who had cancer surgery; it was supposed to be for her recovery period until she got an apartment. Well, that turned into a several month thing and before I knew it, my husband and she were getting rather cozy; he was treating her like a sister wife, pampering her, threating her better than me, waiting on her hand and foot, helping her in and out of the car while I struggled to crawl in the back seat, etc. You get the picture? Well, it turns out everytime I suggested she get into her own place, she'd get really sick again, crawl off to bed, and say she couldn't go off on her own. She'd have more pain, confusion, couldn't take care of herself. I fell for it at first. Naive Noreen, you know. But when the hugging and kissing (on the cheek) started, I knew I was beening played by her and I could see where it was headed. I did get her out of my house, but now I can't seem to overcome the hurt and distrust I have toward my husband. And I wonder if more happened during the times I left them alone. She certainly did act like a wife (self-confident in her relationship with him) the last few weeks she was here, that makes me think that is a possibility. (She started showing up at the breakfast table with nothing on but a bathrobe which she conveniently let fall open exposing her breasts) Of course he denies it, but he denies any feelings for her whatsoever; he did say he 'pampered' her too much. He said he kissed her out of compassion and to give her a 'little pick me up.' Whatever! I asked him if he would like me to kiss a male friend like that and he said, "No, I don't think I'd like that." So that tells me there was more to it. Honestly, I don't know what I want to do. I have some severe health issues, I'm no spring chicken, so I don't see many options at this stage of life. I'm trapped. If I were younger and healthier, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. But should I spend the last few years of my life in an unhappy marriage? I don't suppose anyone can really help me but just writing it down may help. I can't tell anyone in my family or my friends what happened. They'd be shocked to say the least. And I would be too embarrassed to admit I was so dumb to have been played like that. I am a breast cancer survivor so I thought I was really doing a good deed. I can't believe my husband betrayed me like that. I think much of it has to do with the fact I had a bilateral mastectomy and this woman still had breasts because she had colon cancer so she was enticing him with that. But it was still his choice. His choice. His choice. His choice.

[Leed]

What a rotten thing for him to do! And especially since you're obviously struggling with a self-image problem. Believe me my dear friend -- you are NOT defined by your breasts. And breasts do NOT make you more sexy!! You can be JUST AS SEXY without breasts as you can with them!! Maybe even more so! LOL The ONLY reason we have them in the first place is to nurse our babies! When the babies are gone, they might as well go too! LOL I've had breast cancer too, but I got lucky -- I just had a lumpectomy but i sure look weird. One is all messed up, and the other one sags something awful. No way can I find a bra that fits.

Anyway -- I have a feeling that you're right, and hubby played a little more than he's admitting to. I might be wrong, but the way you described how SHE acted makes it sound a little questionable. She certainly was no "friend." How dare she pull a thing like that on you after you so kindly gave her a place to recuperate!!!

Do you think marriage counseling would help? I would bet that all would come out in the wash with the counselor. And it would help you two learn how to communicate better. Something tells me that you two don't really "talk." There's an art to it -- and you need to learn how. Plus you might need to learn how to fight fair. There's also an art to that too. See what he thinks and try marriage counseling. It might just work, and get you two back together where there aren't any more resentments, etc.

I wish you the very best. Please let us know what happens,, will you? God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[hamster-bamster]

I am so sorry about it. My mother (she died in 2008) had a radical mastectomy on one side and did not want to have a prosthesis. I do remember how it looked, her chest without the breast. I have thought a lot about that and how it eventually might happen to me as well and I think with all this thinking ahead I am prepared to spend some years of my life without breasts, if need be, and still feel a complete woman. I think it would be hard but not impossible. I hope you can come to that point as well. I am really sympathetic with your situation and your feeling incomplete and deficient having no breasts while this woman has her breasts and exposes them.

[Mike_J]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Now you need to take what I'm about to say with a "grain of salt" I'm in the middle of a very ugly divorce. If you are thinking about the possibility of a divorce, start planning for it, don't let yourself be blindsided like I was. Make sure you know EVERYTHING about your finances. And if possible be the only one that knows about them. Check into the divorce laws in your state, position yourself to take full advantage of them. Do NOT confide in your husband any mental illness issues. Start putting cash away, not in a bank account, you will have to disclose any of those, not in a safety deposit box, you will also have to disclose that. Find a safe place (or several) and start putting some money away just in case. I know (all too late) that my wife stashed HUGE amounts of cash while running up debt in my name. I wouldn't recommend that, don't be mean, just be self aware, and knowledge is power, so start stocking up.

But also speaking as a man, there is way more to a woman than her breasts, it's the heart that is underneath that counts.

[hamster-bamster]

Noreen, you should see a movie titled "Burning Plains". It has an erotic scene involving a woman with double radical mastectomy. They show the scars. It is very hot and powerful and would give your self-image a boost.

[adam_k]

Is it possible that nothing happened other than some simple affection. I'm not a relationship expert but sometimes things look worse than they are. A few months after me and my wife started dating she was staying over at my house a lot. One day she found a letter from an ex-girlfriend. (Why she was going through my dresser I don't know.) It looked really bad, but I just forgot about the letter. I hadn't seen or spoken to the girl I got the letter from in months. You know your husband better than anybody. I agree with leed about counseling. Communication is very important. All of the problems I've had with my marriage have come from lack of communication. I hope things work out for you.

[NaiveNoreen]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I got a variety of thoughts and suggestions, and I appreciate every one of them. Right now I'm taking it one day at a time and trying hard to overcome things that have happened. This other women has since left the area and we said our good-byes to her a few weeks ago. My husband's voice did choke up when he said good-bye to her and I could tell by her voice and look that there was some sort of attraction between them. She was sitting at the doctor's office getting her chemo treatment when we stopped in to say good-bye though so there was no physical interaction between anyone. I don't expect we'll see her on this earth again since she does have teminal cancer. I tried to be gracious and non-confrontational with her. I never told her what I know about my husband kissing her.

I did see her once alone after she left our house and she asked me how things were going at home, so I suspect she thought there may be a problem between me and my husband or maybe she was hoping there was one. I just smiled and lied and said everything was fine.
Can you believe she thinks when she gets through this cancer treatment and recovers, she plans to come back to town and just take up where she left off? I just went along with it because I know she doesn't have much of a chance of living more than a year more. That's what the doctors have given her and that was several months ago. I can see her condition deteriorating too.

Thanks again for your suggestions. I'll consider them and probably try them all.

Noreen

[NaiveNoreen]

I posted a longer reply on the board. I still don't know quite how to do this stuff.

[hamster-bamster]

In the movie I recommended, he kisses her scar. Very moving.