advice Please

So just a back drop my husband and I have been married for almost 4 years, no kids yet. Back in the beginning of Dec. we got in a pretty heated argument over something very stupid. After the fight he moved all his stuff to the basement and moved all "his" money to a new bank and got a separate bank account and threw the divorce word at me. on Jan 8th he decided that he wasnt going to go back to work and that he not wants to get long term disability for his depression (he is 30). And he keeps telling me that I if i think he is going back to work i am crazy. I am a hairstlyist and own my own salon. I cannot afford our home bills on my own. I am now scared we are going to loose everything I have told him this and his response is well hopefully i will get my disability soon. He sits at home all day and plays Xbox...I come work from 9am to 8pm now that he is not working and when i get home i am expected to cook and clean! Also, he cashed in his 401K, took all the money out of our vacation fund, and now he is telling me he is broke and constantly asking me for money. Needless to say he has a spending prob. since he has been out of work he has purchased an apple tv, new laptop, went skydiving, accessories for his motorcycle etc. I also found weed in the house and a hidden spy camera that was used on me!! Also, his laptop and phone are now password protected, his gets text messages in the middle of the night from a guy named Michael and then denys it. He has now used Nair on his entire body....I feel like his is not the same person I married and all of this is ruining our marriage...and I truly feel he thinks that there is nothing wrong and I will continue to sit and just let it happen. I just feel like he is hiding soo much and I dont know what to do.

Spying on you, smoking weed, spending your money and your savings, not working, keeping secrets and possibly having an affair.

Can I ask why you want to stay with this man? It seems that he's not only taking you for granted, but he's completely taking the mickey too.

I don't suppose that he wants to go to therapy as that would mean that he will admit his behaviour is wrong. So how are you going to save this marriage? Without his help, I do not think you will be able. Sorry to be blunt, but its sometimes impossible to help people who will not help themselves.

My first thought is that he may have depression, but I do not know anyone who goes skydiving with depression. He may have a mental illness, but I am no expert. His behaviour is very very strange.

Start protecting yourself, mentally and financially. First thing for me is to stop giving him money. If he wants it, he has to earn it. Stop cooking and cleaning for him. You're not his mother. He needs to start acting like a responsible adult and a proper partner, and I would not give him anything again until he either gets help professionally or contributes. Sorry.

Is he doing some other drug than weed?

The only drug I found was weed.

About the therapy I told him in Dec. that I wanted us to go to Marriage counsling, he was all for it. Then after I found one he said he was not going to waste his money. Then he wanted to see a psycatrist So I found one, I went with him to his first visit they did say he was depressed and gave him meds. He has been going back becuase I have been giving him money for his appts. and demanded to see receipts, which i have been given. but i dont know how truthful and forthcoming with information he has given them. Also, the only reason he wanted to see the psycatrsit was to get them to sign off on disability.

I've just read some of your other posts about his anger issues that you wrote about in Dec.

I understand that you want to start a family, and that you may think that this man is your husband and that you love him. But can you honestly, hand on heart, say that you feel loved, cherished? I think I know the answer. Please please do not have children with this man. He's violent, selfish and I think he's a first class manipulator. You deserve better than this.

I guess that you won't want to hear this, as with the other posts. Good luck with whatever you do, and I wish you well. I just hope that one day you see him for what he is.

I have taken everything that everyone has given me with a grain of salt. I have reached out to attorneys to get legal advice I have appts. next week. I am just so confused and hoping that there is someone out there that has been there and can give me advice. becuase I do love him, but I cant continue to live like this.

On your previous post I know one of the people there suffered from marital abuse, and they gave you sound advice to get out of there.

I've been in a relationship with a manipulator, who also didn't work after being together a while. The screaming, throwing, tantrums, sulking, pushing me away while at the same time making me feel like it was my fault for not being lovable enough was bad enough, but when he pinned me to the wall by my throat and tried to strangle me was when I got out. This was followed by months of abusive texts, phone calls, emails and turning up outside my flat.

So here you are, someone who's been in a similar situation as yours is telling you that this man is no good as he is. Perhaps he will get help, but my advice would be to get out while he sorts himself out. You being with him is being his enabler to behave this way. Strange as it sounds, but by sticking with him, giving in to his demands of money, sex and dinner/cleaning is actually enabling him to carry on.

Whatever the reason he is like this is about him, not you. You've not done anything wrong, quite the opposite, trying to save your marriage. But he HAS to help himself, and he sounds to me that he will just not do this. He has no incentive to do this either at the moment as you give him everything. Personally speaking, I do not think this man loves you, and if he does, its not a healthy love and your love for him may just simply not be enough. Am sorry.

A man who loves you treats you with respect, kindness and makes you feel safe.

Good luck.

I am very sorry you are having to deal with your husband's bad behavior. I would leave; sounds like too much for one to put up with, especially since it sounds like he is not trying to change or make the relationship work.

Protect your own assets and get out of the house into something you can afford on your own. Get to a lawyer and figure out how to protect yourself from his selfishness.

I would say it is unlikely he is going to get disability as he is young and has worked well until recently and it does not sound like he is in therapy or has a doctor to document his illness. He does not get to declare himself disabled, he has to be shown by doctors to be disabled and it would probably take him several tries and many months to get that designation, if he were to get it, due to his former lifestyle.

Before I did laser hair removal on my lower legs, I used Nair on them may be 5-10 occasions. It was messy as hell. It's smell was extremely, extremely disgusting.

And that was just on lower legs. A horrifying experience. On the whole body?? Chest, arms, upper legs - all the parts of the male body that are covered with hair? You ought to be kidding.

What those observations mean for you is that your husband is very, very serious about having same sex relationships at the moment. One does not decide to use Nair on his whole body out of a desire to have sheer fun. He is very motivated. Somebody in his life likes hairless male bodies, and it is clearly not you, right?

Are you prepared to live with a bi-sexual man? I am not saying that you should or should not be because people are different in this regard - I am asking you whether you are ready for this sort of relationship ahead. It is clearly a change; when you married him, you were under the impression that he was straight; are you ready to handle the change?

If he is only 30, then even if he is successful proving his disability and I doubt that he will be, for reasons Perna listed, his SSDI amount will be puny because he has not worked enough. After he takes money he will need for Nair, weed, skydiving, motorcycle accessories, and other necessary, vital, and completely non-negotiable expenses, what will he contribute towards the household? Nothing.

Plus, he is beyond crazy. "a hidden spy camera that was used on me" is seriously crazy.

So be thankful that you have not had any children with him!! He wouldn't contribute money, effort, time, anything towards rearing children together. You would be doing everything by yourself. And when, if you work all day long?

And you have selected a wrong username - you do not need marital help, you need a good lawyer. Do you realize that when you separate, you will have to support him for a while, and the longer you are married, the longer you will have to support him? Yes, you will be paying for Nair, weed, and motorcycle accessories even when you divorce him. But not forever - just for awhile.

And last thing - he definitely CAN work. He might be unable to do your kind of work, because of the creativity and organizational skills needed to run a successful hair salon. But he can do simple mundane work, if he was able to cover his whole body with Nair and take it off!! It is very laborious, to use Nair. His success with it proves his ability to work.

I would imagine to get disability from depression it has to be pretty bad. Some people get so depressed that they stay in bed, don't eat for days and are past the point where they would harm themselves. Its sounds like he may be depressed but is functional. If he can play x-box and use a computer one would think he could maintain at least a menial job. With meds it may improve his mood and his depression could be manageable. Maybe he is just trying to fake it out of laziness.

I would say you have to take care of yourself. It sucks that he is depressed but you can't let his actions drag out of house and home. Only his doctor knows how bad it is, do you have permission to speak to him? When I get depressed I also have suicidal idealization. I've talked to my wife about this, and am open about it. I know that these thoughts are healthy and it is my minds way of finding escape from the way I am feeling. I would give my wife permission to talk to my doctors, would talking to his do anything for you? I also give her access to all my medical information because it is in my best interest to do so.

Does he sleep a lot or very little? When I get really depressed I sleep ~18 hours or so a day. Some people suffer insomnia and don't sleep very much.

I would say take control of your finances. If he isn't working then he can't expect you to support him in his reckless spending habits. My wife doesn't work. We've had discussions about it. She got a degree in something that there isn't a lot of jobs for. The last job she had was at a day-care a few years ago. It was a suck job, but the money helped. I think she just likes staying home and playing video games all day. She does clean and cook dinner so it's not like I am doing everything. She is also supportive of me and I am happier with her than I would be without. She doesn't want anything to do with the finances so I take care of everything. She understands the bills come first. She also understands that we don't have money to spend recklessly.

To me it sounds like he needs to get his stuff together or lose you. A person can only put up with so much. You can be supportive of someone, but there is a limit. You can't neglect yourself to take care of him.

These were my thoughts exactly. Actually, I suspect that he is already seeing someone, who texts in the middle of the night.