[l6886l]

I recently posted a question in this forum on emotional abuse as I had been believing I was, but wasn't sure. This forum has helped me greatly in discovering that yes, I AM emotionally abused and has led me to research why on earth I have allowed this to go on for so long.

In my research, I have discovered that I am codependent and married to a narcissist. It all makes so much sense now. I only wish I had realized this LONG ago so I could have done something to fix ME sooner. I am reading "Codependent No More" and it's like a light bulb has gone on in my brain.

I now realize that I cannot change him, although I have been telling him that I will no longer tolerate his emotional abuse. We've been through a lot, including an affair he had a little over a year ago. He has been doing better just recently, but I wonder how long it will last. Can he change just by knowing that I am done tolerating this behavior (setting personal boundaries)? He seems to be truly concerned that I may leave. Or is this yet another attempt for me to control and fix him? As codependents do, am I grabbing at yet another morsel he is throwing me or is he truly trying to change? It's only been VERY recently that I've begun setting personal boundaries, so it may be too soon to tell. I am NOT staying because I have "loving" feelings toward him. I actually really resent him and especially me as I have allowed this to go on for so long. I feel like I have wasted so much of my life devoted to someone who has given back so very little. I am responsible for this behavior of mine and for allowing him to control me; however, I don't know how long I should give it to see if he's truly changing or just pacifying me for now. Any suggestions?

I have other typical feelings codependents have such as feeling "trapped" and thinking of ways to escape. Yet, I feel compelled to give him another chance as he seems to be trying.

The bottom line is, I am ready to change me and my circumstances, but am not sure what the right thing is to do. Part of me just wants to leave and get myself healthy and then maybe I'll be ready for a healthy relationship. The other part of me feels obligated to stay and give things one last chance as I've always had strong beliefs in commitment to marriage and not getting divorced.

I just don't know what to do. Any thoughts are appreciated.

[lisacj]

Originally Posted by l6886l

In my research, I have discovered that I am codependent and married to a narcissist. It all makes so much sense now. I only wish I had realized this LONG ago so I could have done something to fix ME sooner.

I didn't realize my ex was NPD until after 17 years of marriage and our divorce. Just like you said.....It all makes so much sense now. You're lucky there was only affair!!

I too am co-dependant (I've know that forever) but I thought it was only on his drinking. I wish I could give you some good advice.....but I didn't realize anything until it was over, and he had me feeling lower than a flea!! He destroyed my confidence (not that I had that much), ability to think for myself, many many many friendships and much more.

I am glad it's over!! I will never regret because of my incredible daughter. I know I am a stronger and better person now.

I will be glad to chat if you need to.

[NoCake]

We can only change ourselves.

[doodlefrog]

l6886l, I can relate all too well to the description you gave of your relationship. I am still having a hard time with trusting myself to make the right decisions. I know what needs to be done, just can't bring myself to take the first step yet. Thanks for mentioning the book. I will have to get a copy.

[Open Eyes]

"Codependant no more" yes, a good book written by Melody Beattie.

I have been guilty of that myself. Often it can start from when we are young.

168861, I recommend you seek marriage counceling, or find a way to see if a psychologist who does marriage counceling can diagnose your husband. I don't recommend "you" doing that. Sometimes what looks like NP might be some other issue.

Open Eyes

[l6886l]

Originally Posted by lisacj

I didn't realize my ex was NPD until after 17 years of marriage and our divorce. Just like you said.....It all makes so much sense now. You're lucky there was only affair!!

I too am co-dependant (I've know that forever) but I thought it was only on his drinking. I wish I could give you some good advice.....but I didn't realize anything until it was over, and he had me feeling lower than a flea!! He destroyed my confidence (not that I had that much), ability to think for myself, many many many friendships and much more.

I am glad it's over!! I will never regret because of my incredible daughter. I know I am a stronger and better person now.

I will be glad to chat if you need to.

Thank-you so much Lisa! It's really weird because now that I have the awareness of why we have had SO MANY problems over the past 18 years, I actually am beginning to feel somewhat empowered. I felt so emotionally numb and dead for so long. I've cried myself to sleep many nights as I have felt so lost and hopeless in this relationship. I'm not crying over it anymore as I know I do not have to be a doormat.

I am so sad to hear all that you went through, but am so happy to hear that you are doing so well now! We also have a daughter together and I am terrified that she is going to repeat the pattern. It's all she's ever seen. She's had no good male role models in her life. She's seen my dad take advantage of and be emotionally abusive to my mom and my husband's dad was an alcohlic and also emotionally abusive to his whole family. My husband has not been very engaged with our daughter over the years. Yet another reason I wish I would have left years ago.

He's truly felt more like a roommate than a partner, and a bad roommate at that. Now he does things when I ask him too as I keep telling him that I am done being treated like this, but often it's obvious he's doing things out of obligation. I try to encourage the positive behavior as he does seem to be trying.

Anyway, I appreciate your feedback. I am praying that I will know when/if it's time to leave. Something has to change as I just can't do this anymore.

[l6886l]

[quote=Open Eyes;2867461168861, I recommend you seek marriage counceling, or find a way to see if a psychologist who does marriage counceling can diagnose your husband. I don't recommend "you" doing that. Sometimes what looks like NP might be some other issue.

Open Eyes[/quote]

I appreciate the advice, but there is no way he will go to counseling. I insisted we go to counseling when we were younger and all it did was make things worse, although much of the problem was with the counselor we saw. He has made it pretty clear that he doesn't think we need counseling and that he knows what he needs to do. And, he is good at snowballing people. They always think he's such "a great guy".

[jcl76]

WOW! I am so glad you posted this. It just hit me that the LTR I just got out of robbed me of so much of who I was because I tried to make something work with a girl who had so many issues that I was obsessed with fixing her. It took me to the bottom of the barrel.

I always thought I was simply fighting for the one I love (which i did), and I didnt want it to end until I knew I gave it my all! She didnt reciprocate that, but I kept thinking I should just have faith. I thought it was just the internal optimist in me, but this just made so much sense!

[l6886l]

Originally Posted by jcl76

WOW! I am so glad you posted this. It just hit me that the LTR I just got out of robbed me of so much of who I was because I tried to make something work with a girl who had so many issues that I was obsessed with fixing her. It took me to the bottom of the barrel.

I always thought I was simply fighting for the one I love (which i did), and I didnt want it to end until I knew I gave it my all! She didnt reciprocate that, but I kept thinking I should just have faith. I thought it was just the internal optimist in me, but this just made so much sense!

I am so glad to hear this post shed some light for you on your situation and glad to hear you got out before it destroyed you emotionally and/or otherwise.

The book that I mentioned talks a lot about how being obsessed with fixing people is characteristic of codependent people. It also states that codependents are caretakers of everyone but themselves and how events in our lives caused us to become this way. I am just getting to the part that teaches you how to take care of yourself.

Now, I just have to try to determine if the changes he appears to be making are genuine because he wants to change or if it's just temporary until "I relax". If he's just pacifying me and starts with the emotionally degrading comments again, I am walking... It's just not worth it. Life is too short to live with abuse.

I would highly recommend the book to you as we tend to attract needy people and repeat our patterns until we recognize when we are being codependent and take steps to heal and change ourselves. We deserve better and it's time we believe that truth.

Best wishes to you and God bless!

[1morerep]

Hi i am new to this site, and have a few questions about codependantsy (i hope i spelled it right) anyways. My fiance is codependant, and i want to learn as much as i can about it. Our relationship has taken alot of hits because of my anger, and our move to washington for my duty station. I am currently in the middle of Afghanistan and am seeking as much asvice as i can. I want to learn how i can win her back. Our relationship is in a hard spot. Please help with PM's or comments on this question.

[outNabout]

I am NOT staying because I have "loving" feelings toward him. I actually really resent him and especially me as I have allowed this to go on for so long. I feel like I have wasted so much of my life devoted to someone who has given back so very little. I am responsible for this behavior of mine and for allowing him to control me; however, I don't know how long I should give it to see if he's truly changing or just pacifying me for now.

Maybe you can set some criteria & goals. Are you both attending relationship counselling? If he's unwilling, is that then a deal breaker? What would you say you are willing to tolerate? Perhaps you can determine a "passing" level and time period that you'd need at a minimum in order to feel ok. What would be the ideal... things that he would not necessarily achieve, but you'd like nevertheless.

The other part of me feels obligated to stay and give things one last chance as I've always had strong beliefs in commitment to marriage and not getting divorced. I just don't know what to do. Any thoughts are appreciated.

I know what you mean here. I've got a similar situation.
I too often see and hear about marriages falling apart. Sometimes people give up too easily. The ones that are together still, are obviously not perfect, but they stuck it out. Then there's the relationships where someone is cheating or physically abusing... such things are a deal breaker to me and time to leave.