Alright. Where to begin here. Hopefully at least one person will look and read this gargantuan post. I say that now because I assume it will be . I don't know if this is where I should be writing, if this is even what I should be writing about, and have no clue where to start.

I stumbled upon something within myself today that I never realized was a really big problem and I'm not at all sure how or why it exists within me. This deserves a little back story to understand. I've been talking to this girl daily for about a week and I think she's fantastic, and I have talk to her literally for over 5 hours each day. It's fair to say that I really enjoy our conversations and really appreciate her personality.

Last night we were having a conversation that suddenly went from fantastic to a pile of garbage in the pit of a crevasse in a matter of seconds due to one innocuous statement. My memory is absolutely awful so hopefully she'll forgive this but it was something to the effect of "Well what if I just stopped talking to you"? said completely in jest. I immediately just was overcome with butterflies and a sickening feeling in my stomach. This is not the first time this sort of thing has happened but it is the first time since joining the site again where I could possibly talk about it and maybe get some helpful insight into what I can do to figure out what the issue is.

Clearly I have a fear of emotional abandonment and it's frustrating that I don't know where that stems from. I grew up in a perfect home, with a perfect family, have great extended families etc and have never experienced a death of anyone close. I'm 28 now so I think it's a statistical improbability that by this time in my life I wouldn't have experienced death but the point is I've never really suffered in that regard and would have assumed that's the only way I possible could have ever felt abandoned by someone. I guess I'm wondering how to I go about trying to figure this insane fear of losing someone close via choice, death, or something else that I can't remember ever happening to establish that sort of fear. I'm just spewing utter trash here so let me simplify it.

With seemingly no clear picture of someone abandoning me, why was I so afraid when she said that? Why did it make me feel sick inside? Why do I always worry that girls I've just started talking to are going to become rapidly disinterested.

This is a stupid post and I don't know what I'm trying to communicate sorry.

[Karlam1991]

Do you have any more friends other than her?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by FERFA

[FONT=Georgia] Why do I always worry that friends are just going to leave me because they don't like me anymore or something.

You call it fear of abandonment, but it can also be garden variety low self-esteem. Not expected in people who have come from perfect households, but still does happen.

Changed it. I didn't mean friends. I meant girls I've just met who are in that friend stage etc. I have lots of friends (Not girls anymore because I know I can't just remain platonic) and I don't worry about them not wanting to hang out anymore or anything.

I'll have to think about the low self esteem angle because I think it's definitely relevant to the situation. It's just something about contact being severed, and never being able to talk to them again.

[hamster-bamster]

My suggestion then would be to diversify your portfolio for now. If you handle many concurrent friendships with girls, you would not care so deeply about each individual one - an easy fix.

[unaluna]

Why do you assume there is something wrong with you? I would say, what is wrong with a person who would say something mean like that, even in so-called jest? Plus are you sure she is who she says she is? I know I'm a different generation, but you kids spend a lot of time in dreamland - ie on the internet - and think you're getting to know each other, no offense. I would be happier if you would recognize, hmm maybe not as sweet as I thought... maybe this person has abandonment issues and so we are not a good match...

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by hankster

Why do you assume there is something wrong with you? I would say, what is wrong with a person who would say something mean like that, even in so-called jest? Plus are you sure she is who she says she is? I know I'm a different generation, but you kids spend a lot of time in dreamland - ie on the internet - and think you're getting to know each other, no offense. I would be happier if you would recognize, hmm maybe not as sweet as I thought... maybe this person has abandonment issues and so we are not a good match...

Oh, you have never seen her in person??? Are you serious? And you still care about what she has to say?

[unaluna]

That was my assumption. These young people, nobody meets in person anymore. But I could be wrong here.

[mylove0mylife]

As a "young [person]" who meets people online it seems kind of hypocritical to me to say some of things that were said in this post. We're on an online community for people all across the world, we make friends online through this community in order to help us find people with common grounds. I'm not sure about you but I can't afford to travel the world and meet the people I consider friends on this website face to face, whether that be due to time from working and going to school full time or money from paying bills. Also, not every person on the internet is out to lie and get people, they just want someone to talk to that is going through the same thing they are.

As for the original post...FERFA, it could be that you are so used to having everything safe and comfortable that you don't know how to handle losing someone in your life. Low self-esteem could also be an issue. I actually go through the same thing when people say things, I go straight to "What if...are they mad? What?" kind of mode.

I wish you luck.

[Meonly76]

well... what an understanding bunch you are... saying she is mean without one iota of a clue as to the conversation, and then trying to belittle a connection because it was made online. I'm sure by all of your lovely responses you must all be settled and happilly married and it all happend so easily and perfectly for you, oh to be so lucky!

Ferfa, hey, don't you worry about it being someone on the internet. I met my fella originally on a music forum, chatted for quite a few months before we then met up to go to some gigs. And we're still together! These 'oldies' just don't understand that things are different now '-)

And for your issue, like someone else said, it could be low self-esteem. This may be why you are also putting so much importance on a person you've not met yet, and chatted for a week. I do understand tho that with some people you just click, and really enjoy what they have to say as well as missing someone when they've gone.

Are there other things about yourself that you recognise that may be contributed to low self esteem? If there are, perhaps a bit of therapy can help you. My other half is in therapy now, and he's always been low in confidence and its really helping him. He'll never be hugely confident, but he's learning some methods to cope with it, and also recognise some patterns. Maybe, if you're concerned that this may be of help to you?

Good luck, and I hope you get to meet with this lady soon!

[unaluna]

Not all happy and married and settled - just too old and no time to waste on the wrong person anymore. Been burned too many times. Just encouraging you to cut your losses instead of trying to make something work. But then, you're right - we're the generation that invented speed dating!! Gotta find a happy medium.

There was a lot of hurtful and unhelpful posts on here but I'm glad some intelligent, age appropriate young people living in the same world as me were able to give me some actually tangible responses.

"Are there other things about yourself that you recognise that may be contributed to low self esteem?"

I'm wondering now about this. There are absolutely things that contribute to low self esteem but I'm not sure how you go about boosting your self esteem. I just have so many things to ask this therapist today and unfortunately this will probably not be discussed for a few weeks given my other problems such as trying to not let my brain kill me are slightly more pressing.

A mod can lock this topic. It was a stupid post with stupid answers and shouldn't have been posted.

[mylove0mylife]

The way most people say to help boost self esteem (that I've noticed) is tell yourself something positive over and over again until you believe it. Avoid saying anything negative about yourself like "I'm ugly" or "I'm not good enough" etc. (not saying you say those things, just examples.) Another thing to do is to accomplish something small that has been making you feel as if you couldn't do something, it can help with the self-esteem field as well.

I used to have extremely low self-esteem and one day I just said "Ya know what? I think I'm awesome." and I told myself that enough times, that I started to believe it, and then I started to realize that all the negative things that were holding me back were because I didn't like me, so I assumed no one else could like me. It's funny how they say "No one can love you until you love yourself." and that's true to a point, it should read "You don't realize anyone loves you until you love yourself." at least for me.

Hi Ferfa, I think that your response is completely normal, no one wants to be ditched. I also feel this way, even about seemingly unimportant relationships. Of course no one wants to be ditched, it is natural. You have a good thing going with this girl and hey! Who would want to lose that? I think she was simply flirting with you wanting you to tell her all the reasons why she is so important to you etc. I sometimes do that with my husband, just wanting to be showered with attention lol. You have nothing to be worried about! Live, laugh and love my friend.

[avlady]

I understand if you were just saying it in jest, lke me sometimes my sence of humor gets in the way, i'll admit i'm a bit warped, but with me I would have just laughed it off.Maybe that's what you meant as a joke??

[RomanSunburn]

I have to say.. your self esteem is what worries me the most... In your first post, the things that really got to me were not the issue at hand, but the "This is a stupid post"; "if anyone bothers to read this..." and the like. And then similar sentiments in your replies... It just breaks my heart to hear that. You're worthy of being heard and of receiving respectful answers. You're also worthy of receiving love.

Mylove has a good point. You need to start repeating positive things to yourself. You're not going to believe them at first, but you have to keep telling yourself that you are a good person and worthy of love. Without fulling grasping the meaning of your statement about your brain trying to kill you, it sounds like you have a lot of anger or hatred towards yourself, and I think these two issues are very closely related. Another thing you could try would be to write down all the negative statements you make about yourself, and then write positive counter statements. An example could be, "I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve friends." Then the counter statements would be "I do deserve to be happy, like every other human being. I deserve to have friends and to build strong, healthy relationships."

I hate to see your hurting so much, and I hope you feel better soon.

Btw, I understand the whole "coming from the perfect family, why am I like this?" business... I'm the same way...

I've been thinking a lot about your posts in the last couple days in the hopes I could figure out something about myself and I believe to a degree I have, or at least figured out a starting point.

I know for a fact that I hate myself and don't believe I deserve to be loved and cared for. I also know that self esteem really has never been good at all and I've never worked to change that. This is my goal now. I did some reading, and the journal idea sounded like the best option. To say negative things, then work on countering them etc.

A perfect example of low self esteem is that people have said I look good on here, but I just don't believe it because literally one girl has ever paid me a compliment looks or otherwise, period. So somehow on here girls are understanding of my situation and find me attractive which (Honestly still doesn't sound possible to me) is crazy because it doesn't happen in real life so there's some kind of disconnect there. My theory is that people are just too kind on here on account of it being a mental health site.

RomanSunburn you brought up a good point with the comments I make within my posts to try and degrade myself in a way so that people don't think I'm something that I'm not. I'm going to work on this, or at least recognizing when I do it now and really question why I'm putting it in.

It seems that this week is the most important week of my life. It's ridiculous how powerful all my thoughts and feelings have been and has obviously caused me problems with thinking of suicide because I just don't see a future. I honestly wish I could take this week back and just do what I was doing before, blissfully accepting I'd never find a girl and I'd end up killing myself once my mind decided it was time. It's crazy, but it really seems like a better idea then trying to sort out all this cluster of well, you get the idea.

I came to post here because I just needed to get it off my chest and I'm fighting ever urge in my body not to just click away and forget about ever trying to post this but I'm drawing inspiration from those words. Now people will think "Ugghhh. Unbearable". Anyways I digress. I just always feel selfish.

Why you selfish? Are you not allowed to talk about yourself, or give yourself some thought? I don't think you're being selfish at all. Oh, and yes, you are attractive! Am not saying that because am on here, I'm saying it because you are attractive, full stop.

You know, when I read the post above, I thought to myself 'that man is going to go far'. It takes a strong person to accept his faults, and be so honest. I really do think that if you start making steps towards building yourself some confidence, you'll feel a ton better. It IS hard, and it really does take some work, in the way that you have to catch yourself when thinking something negative about yourself, and trying to stop it. But I really do think you'll get there, I really do.

And one thing on being attractive btw, is there are many many things that make someone attractive, not just facial features or a body. A smile, a twinkle in the eye, confidence, a sense of fun and good humour... and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

You know, my partner had spent 12 years with a g/f before we met. He used to go on about how ugly he was - his ears are too big, he has no chin, his eyes are too small, how his feet were the ugliest around - how stupid he is. Honestly, when we first met at a gig (with a bunch of others) I was expecting a gargoyle!! I was completely blown away when I first saw him and I thought he was gorgeous! I still do. The hangups that he had just didn't have any bearing on the truth, and this is simply low confidence in himself. - All because someone (his ex) had told him for so long that all these things were faults. And now he's much more confident, and getting better all the time. He's also doing cognitive therapy so he can recognise his pattern of negative thoughts and try and stop them.

It is possible to turn things around - it takes some time, and being honest with yourself, but watching my other half slowly become happier and deal with things much better, I know you can do the same.

Hugs