I need help - Unable to think clearly

Hi. I am a newbie and am thankful I found this site. I need some help and I hope and pray that you will offer me some help in this area. It's a long one, please bear with me on this.

I recently got my divorce after being separated from my ex-wife for about 2 years. The reason for my divorce was that I found out that she was having an affair. I felt terrible betrayal after being in the marriage for about 19 years. We have 2 wonderful boys. During the course of the separation, we had the usual arguments and child-custody battles.

I met this wonderful person about one and half years into the separation. This woman was the best thing that I have ever had in my life. She cares for me and looks after me in so many ways. In the beginning she also cared for my sons and didn't express any immediate discomfort.

During the course of our relationship, I began to see that she started to tell me how I should treat my sons and how she wanted me only in her life. Her favorite sentence was "I couldn't have the cake and eat it". I noticed that she begin to change towards the kids. When I asked her, she blames me for her change as she says I am unable to control the kids and am not spending all my time with her as I should. I am not blaming her totally for this move as having my kids with me had also affected my job.

During the early days of our relationship, she would always talk about her ex-boyrfriends and I finally had to ask her how many boyfriends had she had. She told me she had 4 and that she had intimate relationships with 2 of them. I told her that I cannot handle a relationship if she had had many intimate affairs as I am unable to cope with it mentally. I felt 2 was OK and I could deal with it. Later I found out that she had 4 intimate relationships and I accused her of lying to me. I also told her of the great sacrifices that I had made to be with her.

Now I think daily of what she has done in her past (I know her past is Her past and I should not be affected by it). I think of her boyfriends whenever we are together and this has affected me mentally and physically. I am also upset that she is not supportive of my kids (I know that she has a right to do so.). I think I am being unfair to her in this relationship as somehow I feel I am not ready and unable to handle the issues well. But I love her so much. Can I ever overcome the things that she has revealed about herself? Now I'm even thinking that perhaps she has more to hide and the very thought that she might reveal more is breaking my heart. I am also afraid that she might dissapoint me like my Ex. She had also told me that she will hide the truth from me as I am unable to handle it. She also told me that she will do her own thing while I am with my kids. She has a right and I am only afraid that I will lose her. Should we both part or should I wait for it to get worse?

I had innitially wanted to marry her but am re-thinking it now. I afraid that I will be hurt and that she too will not get the best of me. I never thought that I would go through this but now the only way seems to be to end the relationship for both our sakes. It's only that she tells me that I am being unfair to her and somehow deep inside me I agree but what do I do? I can't even go forward and at one point I realized that I was beginning to control her (This is not good at all). What do I do and what do I tell her? Help me, please. Please don't judge me. I am simply a human being that only wants to be loved and not to live in any kind of fear. She talks about her boyfriends - some bad and some good and sometimes compares me. But she has stopped talking about them now. She has also told me that she will work towards accepting my kids - but I feel that it's not of her free will.

Hello..... and I am glad to hear that YOU are rethinking marring this woman, because from my POV if she is are having this strong of a conflict with your kids and with the right you have as their father to be in their lives and be a part of it - then she will but only get worse when she marries you.... for in her mind you will have become her property.

No one and I mean No one should have to give 100% of their time to any one person.... not even that of a spouse - we need many different kinds of people and relationships in our life to make us whole and well balanced emotionally..... She cannot give you all that you need and you cannot give her all the she needs - you both need others.

As far as the other men that have been in her bed (from her past) - you need to let it go for YES her past before she met you and your past before you met her does not count any more.... and IMO this is really not about how many men she has been with sexually before you, but rather with unresolved pain from your marriage.... pain that is now resonating fear in you with this new lady..... heal the wounds created by your ex-wife's infidelity and then your mind / heart will be better prepared to deal with any new ladies that come and go in your life.

Good Luck........... and I am sorry for the pain you having to suffer with, from the hands of another - a once loved & trusted one.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

There are no easy answers, or rights and wrongs. Both of you have issues and only time will tell if you will continue on and try to resolve them so do your best in solving them without sacrificing something precious (ie your children) and if by chance you have to say goodbye, know that the relationship was not a mistake because you both tried and learned a little more. If you find a way to resolve the issues, it will be all worth it. Either way, what sounds like a losing situation will come out as a win win no matter what the outcome is. These are only chapters in our life and not our whole story.

All the best to you and your lady and your children

Thank you for the reply to my post. I am glad that no one judged me. It is a difficult situation as I have to make heartbreaking decisions.

I thought that it would be simple but the human heart is not easy to understand. I really wanted my new companion to accept the kids. I did compromise with her by letting my ex keep the kids over the weekdays and I have them over the weekend. I also made arrangements to see my kids once forthnightly. Still there have been quarrels with my new companion on the amount of time that needs to be spent with her. I am to blame for this as I thought it would be easy. Now I see that it's never easy. I miss my kids. I will also begin missing my new found companion.

I'm 43 and am hoping to have a partner to share my life with. It's been a tough life and I hope that peace will come my way. I have so much to say about my life and how I wish God will somehow fix everything. I have such an unfufilled life, it's a wonder how I continued to handle this.

Please, I sincerely appreciate your feedback and hope that I will be able to pour out my heart to the good follks here.

Thank you.