[brokenandalone1234]

I am not sure where to post this. I debated for a while on posting this but I just need to talk about it. I am at the age where I want a baby really bad. I am 22 almost 23. I have been with my boyfriend who is 28 for 6 months as of tomorrow we have talked about me wanting a baby. It would be the first for both of us. He understands that I am at the age where my biological time clock is ticking. We are set money wise and he comes from a great family. I just don't know if he is ready. I don't want to rush things but I just don't know how much longer I can hold out. I get so jealous when I see mothers with their children. I want that to be me so bad. I always talk about it with him. I am so afraid that if I keep talking about it that he will leave. How do I make him see how serious I am about wanting a baby without driving him away or should I just give up for now and let him tell me when he is ready to have a baby. I know he wants one. We have talked about everything we would need to do to get ready for a baby so I guess I am just confused on where he stands can you guys give me some advice please.

[Confusedinomicon]

Maybe date long enough to get married then have children? I have friends who have had children before a year and struggle because caring for a child changes relationships. Maybe you can focus on a wedding first? Make sure he is someone you can see yourself with for a long period of time.

Im 23 and I don't feel like my biological clock is ticking. Science says I have to be in my 30s before I may experience higher risks of various impairments in the children I give birth to.

At 22-23 I couldn't have wanted anything less than a child, I was far far too busy having fun, working hard on a career and saving up to go on holidays so I can see a bit of the world! I wouldn't have said that a lot of women have their biological clock ticking at that age anymore, in fact, in my circles it would've been considered young.

Why are you so desperate to have a child now?

And please, do not have a baby yet with this man. 6 months and you're still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. Its early days for sure. I agree with Confused - wait until your relationship gets stronger and you end up married before having children. You'll need each other a lot and it really is hard work being a single parent if it all went wrong.

And as for your fella talking about it - its great that you've got a fella that wants kids. Trust me on this one, but I bet he's thinking that a baby is off in the distance. In fact, if he would have a kid with you now, my alarm bells would ring. I would drop the subject for now, and live a bit together. Go see the world, build up some wonderful happy memories to share, just do fun things together - you will not get the chance for years and years when a baby comes along.

[Trippin2.0]

A baby will consume you for atleast 7 consecutive years after conception.

You will cease to exist, you will cease to matter.

Why? because your child comes first and he or she will absorb you.

Every decision will have to be run past your child first BEFORE you can go ahead and act. i.e: How does this affect her/him.

Your plans and goals get put on the back burner, you dont take a backseat, you are now nicely placed in the trunk/boot of this car called life.

Then before you clean the gunk from your sleep deprived eyes, they will be off to school just as you start picking up the social life you so carelessly tossed to the wind, and they will need help with homework, school fundraisers, field trips, parent / teacher meetings, and spending quality time with them doing fun things!

Are you prepared, willing for that?

Well if you want a baby you better be, because they deserve you putting every effort into being the best parent you can possibly be, 24/7 365!!!!

My daughter is 9 I am nearly 29. You do the math

She was not an accident, and I dont regret her for a second! I was determined to have her as young as possible due to my own personal (well thought out) reasons.

But she is hard work and a ton of commitment. I would not advise anybody to give up their freedom so young, so willingly, so UNECCESSARILY for something that is bound to happen in the future when the timing is right anyway...

A baby changes your relationship dynamic completely, plenty of time for that once you've actually taken the time to just enjoy your man and being inlove. ENJOY the honeymoon phase!

You are still learning about eachother as individuals, you really want to throw learning about eachother as parents into the mix too, so soon?

And why oh why if the answer is yes?

22 is a baby where babymaking age is concerned. Your clock is not ticking, not by any means, you are just broody, and that is perfectly natural and ok But dont make life-changing decisions for you, your bf AND a future baby based on it.

My sisters both had babies in their mid 30's, so you're safe. Trust me

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I would not advise anybody to give up their freedom so young, so willingly, so UNECCESSARILY for something that is bound to happen in the future when the timing is right anyway...

A baby changes your relationship dynamic completely, plenty of time for that once you've actually taken the time to just enjoy your man and being inlove. ENJOY the honeymoon phase!

I completely agree with this. Don't rush it, you have plenty of time, and it's a great deal of hard work and commitment that you don't need to make yet. 22 is very young to have a baby.

[brokenandalone1234]

See even at my age I hate to party. I don't see a point in going out. I love staying at home watching movies I would be fine with my party days coming to a halt considering I don't party all that much as it is now. I guess 6 months is a little early but at 26 a women's chances of having a baby start to decrease I guess that's part of the reason I am in such a hurry to have a baby because I only 3 or 4 more years to have the best chances to have one.

[Confusedinomicon]

There are plentttyyy of people who have children after 26! Just because you don't party, doesn't mean that's a valid decision to having a child.

The most important part is cultivating your relationship with your boyfriend if you intend to have a child with him. You need to make sure that you actually want this individual to be in your life 10-20 years from now.

Since your name is "brokenandalone" I think looking into therapy would help. Especially if your biggest motivation for having a child is to feel less lonely. Or to feel like someone will unconditionally love you?

If you believe you have 3-4 more years for the best chance of having a child, use at least half of that time to get to know your boyfriend better and create a stable foundation for your relationship.

[Trippin2.0]

Babies are not meant to be brought into this world as welcomed distractions from our mundane partyless lives.

I know plenty people enjoying themselves before having babies who do NOT party.

The fact that you speak of party lifestyle when we say enjoy, is worrying. Do you not know enjoyment? why is your definition of enjoyment drunken shenanigans?

Take this time to introduce yourself to enjoyment instead of making babies.

Just because you like staying in doesn't mean a baby would, remember that.

A child is not a filler episode in your life's drama....

I agree that therapy would be beneficial, really, be a good future mom and sought yourself out before bringng an innocent into this crazy world.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by brokenandalone1234

I guess 6 months is a little early but at 26 a women's chances of having a baby start to decrease I guess that's part of the reason I am in such a hurry to have a baby because I only 3 or 4 more years to have the best chances to have one.

Whoa, hold on there!

Who told you your fertility drops at age 26?

I got married at age 25 and my son was born when I was 31 y/o and honestly I wish I had waited another couple of years to have him. I was accepted into anesthesia school which is a big commitment for 36 months but my son was then 3 years old and I thought I would do better to wait until he was a bit older and he was in elementary school to pursue grad school for me. Then he had ADHD and learning disability and things didn't go as smoothly as I thought. So here I am finally have got my kid raised but now I am 54 y/o and wishing I had gone to grad school before because now I am middle aged I have less energy.

But at least I had finished my BA and we had purchased our house before darling son was born. Are you REALLY ready to have a kid? Do you live in a neighborhood with good public schools or will you use private? If I had it to do over I would use Montessori schools. Can you afford a down payment on a house now?

[vickieh69]

No need to rush having a baby. With my first 2 children I went through mega fertility treatments to conceive and carry them to term. They are now 17 yo, 15 yo. God gave me another precious gift 20 months ago. I was 40 yo when I conceived my last child and it was a total shocker to my spouse and myself.

I agree with the others comments regarding the length of time you have been with your BF as being in the honeymoon phase yet. When I conceived my last child my husband now, BF at the time, had only been dating 1 year. I would not go back and erase having her but I can tell you that the first couple of years of marriage are tough enough when its just the 2 of you.

[Bipolar mom]

I was with my H 9 months when I got pregnant at 23. a hypomanic episode convinced me i was better.. that it was time to have a baby... so i stopped bc and told my hubby at the time that we should have a baby. I got pregnant.. And we got married.

My son is now 2 and a half.... I love him more than anything, but it has taken a toll on my relationship with my H. We have no time to ourselves. We never really got to know each other. Our lives revolve around this amazing little boy, who can also be a very big handful.

I wish I waited to have a child... At least until H and I were a little bit older and more mature... And had more time to spend together and get to know each other.

[RomanSunburn]

When I was your age, my baby clock was not going. I didn't even think I had one. Got lost some where along the line. But then I got married (at age 25, this past June), and my husband got a good stable job, and holy cow, where did that come from!? I want a baby.

But during my slightly more rational-when-it-comes-to-baby years, my husband and I discussed when and if we would have a baby. We agreed that when we're 30 we'll start thinking about trying. Funny how our views have switched.. He wants to wait longer and I want to wait less time, but either way, we still average out to age 30.

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I understand the baby clock. We can't go near a baby department without me stopping and cooing over some adorable little outfit, or planning what the nursery will look like in the house we don't have yet, or lying in bed picking out baby names. But I realize that right now is not a good time to have a baby. My husband's job is stable and pays well, but he travels a lot (we pretty much have a commuter marriage, if you will). I am not in a healthy place mentally. I need to focus on getting my depression and anxiety under control before I can even think about having a child. I want to be physically fit, too. When you're thinking about having a child, you have to think so much further beyond your own immediate wants and wishes. You also have to take into consideration your partner as well.

I think you should continue to grow a relationship with your boyfriend. Try not to think about having a child right now. Make sure, as others have said, that he's someone you really want to have around for the next 10-20 years, someone that you will be able to problem solve with and act as a team when raising your child. Don't pressure yourself. Many, many women today have children well into their 30's and 40's and still bring happy, healthy babies into the world.

I don't know if maybe hearing from someone else who's baby clock is tick tick tickin' away (but waiting another four years) helps at all.

Right now, take care of you while you are still your only priority.

[Jan1212]

How much does it cost to have a baby at your hospital? How much $$$ do you have saved up? Do you have enough insurance coverage with your kind of job? Does it provide maternity leave? Are you in thee US?

Are you prepared to NOT only raise a baby , but a toddler, preteen, and a teenager? In the best way possible for the child? Will he have a good home? stable family life? Preschool, schooling plans? That is 20 years of your life, can't be that 'young girl' anymore. think about a child's life, being in a rush isn't an excuse to "get a baby". I believe parents who wait can give best care for child, I envy those kids who got their lives set ahead for them
-----
Also, you've known him for 6 mo. and you're not even married, wanting a baby. He needs to know he's in a committed relationship. both of you. Do you know him enough? Do you know his yearly cyclic moods? Are you aware of your own mood? Also, men nowadays are afraid of child support, plse don't quote I 'm not trying to get into politics

Your clock isn't ticking at 22, it's barely been wound up. You have plenty of time to have a child, maybe you can expose yourself to children slowly to see if you really enjoy the reality of being around them.

[avlady]

well i'm 52 with a 22 yr old son. i never wanted children as i saw my mother raise 13 of us, i was the second oldest. you would not believe the crap we handed her. she was 19 when she started having kids, she claims we were all wanted, yea right, after my sister the eldest and i you think she would have given up then. it was no big deal every time she would announce her next babies. if i thought we were bad, then i don't know what you would call my brothers and sisters. devil children i suppose ha ha. our punishments were harsh, but livable, i more than once tried to run away, but a 5 year old cant beat a grown man in a race i learned.all of that was to prepare you for the thoughts like having to discipline your child, not sleeping in anymore, no drinking beer,although we do have alcoholics in the family too, and just things like who is going to change the baby's diapers etc...taking a car trip or going to a restaurant or even shopping you'll be dragging around this thing or things on your legs called kids. screaming in the middle of who knows where, at what unknown time.then the fights and how to control them. there is no one book on how to be a true parent although you can read Parenting magazine in the GYN office or dentists or doctors room,of which you'll have to have the finances for. i say these things so you will decide knowledgably before you have children. there were great times too but for me it was basically lonely even though i had so many brothers and sisters, that i now know more about life and can just show in a few sentences what your dealing with. Those other mothers you see on the playground probably wish to God they didn't have so many responsibilities, although that doesn't mean they don't want them, they could probably use a break!

[brokenandalone1234]

I am not saying that I want a baby just to halt my party days. I know a baby does not want to stay in all the time. I would take it out and do things with it. I have heard from many different sources that a women's chances start to decrease at 26 for having a baby. I am taking to heart what everyone has to say. I did post this to get advice and I appericate the advice you guys have given. I just have felt this way for the last year. It not like I just came to this choice over the last 6 months I have wanted to have a baby since I was 21. You guys are right now maybe waiting at least another 6 or 7 months to make that jump would be best give us some time to figure things out. I can say though we agree on a lot of the same parenting styles we would use. Him and I were raised on the same values so that really does help. There are very few things when it comes to parenting that we don't agree on thank you guys for the advice.

[Okiedokes]

What is it that makes you really want a baby? Ask yourself this question, and jealousy from seeing other mothers is not a good reason. Although I understand, that if your boyfriend doesn't want one then I see where you are coming from. Just remember that it can definitely change a relationship..even a marriage. I have to agree as a single mom now, (I had my son at age 20) that a child changes everything and it's more work than you realize. Although I wouldn't change a thing, it does change and did change my relationship. If your boyfriend doesn't want a baby..then this is important to discuss and it's best when both people want one otherwise it could cause potential problems and added stresses.

[hamster-bamster]

Being in agreement on parenting styles is great, but you also need to view the bf as a hypothetical live-out co-parenting partner and check whether he would be cooperative in that role. Since 50% of marriages end, your thinking of how the two of you would parent the child in a live-in arrangement takes care of only one half of the issue. You cannot close your eyes on the other half. It is myopic.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Being in agreement on parenting styles is great, but you also need to view the bf as a hypothetical live-out co-parenting partner and check whether he would be cooperative in that role. Since 50% of marriages end, your thinking of how the two of you would parent the child in a live-in arrangement takes care of only one half of the issue. You cannot close your eyes on the other half. It is myopic.

And, the 50% occupied by the separations would not be in any way less than the 50% occupied by ongoing, unbroken marriages. 50% = 50% and that is just what it is. So, rationally, you should devote just as much time to picturing parenting separately as you devote to picturing a family.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by brokenandalone1234

I have heard from many different sources that a women's chances start to decrease at 26 for having a baby.

Here is the graph you need to examine:

Chart: The effect of age on fertility | BabyCenter

Just looking at it for a second, I do not see any discontinuities at age 26. It seems to me that the graph is just a smooth downward sloping curve for your entire 20s. In other words, there is a little decrement with each year but nothing drastic.

[Perna]

I got married at 39 and was considering children. Get to know yourself better instead of fantasizing about a baby by looking around you at other babies (like picking a car because you like red cars and look around and there are whole bunches of red cars).

When did your mother have you? Can you talk to her about her experiences? My mother was 36 when she had me. It could be you have been "programmed" into most of your want of a baby by your upbringing and lifestyle. Take some time to explore more of the world, be suspicious of such a strong want/desire to go along with your hormones; they are not all of you or even most of you and often clash with how most people live their lives today such that it will make your life harder if you give in to them.