[Lovely Loss]

So I am in a relationship, with a girl, and it has been very hectic on my end, at least. So yeah, I guess I'll explain.

So about a year a go I was in a relationship with another girl and I was completely infatuated. She was having a lot of family issues and I guess I pressured her into a relationship she didn't want to be in. I was so desperate and scared she would leave that I did a lot of things I'm not particularly proud of, like threatening suicide, self harm and anything that would make her see me as a victim and force her to stay. In a way, I guess I groveled and it sickens me to think I'd stoop so low. I guess my paranoia eventually pushed her too far and she did leave, but not without me stooping to an even lower level and bringing some of her family issues into this. I don't know if I am just a monster or if relationships make everyone desperate, but I wasn't the most graceful.

Anyway, I guess I should continue. When she left I was distraught, I tried to get her back in the most bizarre ways by constantly playing the victim. I guess an example might help. So yeah, one day I was so desperate to get her back that I had cut myself about fifty times and used it to soak into my clothes, that way I could make a scene and get her back. I look back on that now I have no idea what I was thinking. Two suicide attempts later and a dozen near attempts and my world just stopped. I wasn't going to school or leaving my home, I was just lying in bed all day and sleeping for an unbelievable twenty hours a day. I guess I'd just given up.

Then my only friend who stood by me was supporting me so much, I was feeling better every day and things were going okay. I was telling her everything and I very dependent on her. But then she asked me out and everything changed, I suddenly couldn't be me anymore and everything I went from being supported to supporting her entirely. She became utterly dependent on me to the point that I am her self-esteem. I can't be me because everything I do will affect her in some way, so I've found that I'm spending every day just being fake and pretending to be in love with her. I regret agreeing to go out with her because now I'm in a situation where I can't leave. She only has me and I don't know how emotionally stable she really is, if I leave it could hurt her too much. So I don't.

But as time went on I became a little more accepting of the relationship and I'm trying to make it work. But we both bring some very serious problems to the table and it's killing me trying to fix it. On my side, I'm constantly depressed and almost always feeling numb and empty. I am paranoid and controlling, I don't like it if she does anything that I didn't allow like arriving five minutes late or not answering properly. So really, I'm a control freak as I dislike emotions and constantly try to keep them at bay. So I'm emotionally distant and it's really hard trying to work past that. On her side she is extremely dependent on me, she doesn't want to do anything and just wants me to look after her and act like we are in a perfect relationship. We're not. She never listens, she never offers any support, she bursts into tears if I stop pretending to be perfect for just a moment, she doesn't return anything I give.

I have a lot of anger and I am without a doubt controlling, but I do everything I can to keep that inside of me and for a long time I have. But it's at the point where I'm so overwhelmed that the smallest thing just sends me into a rage and I hate that, I don't want to hurt her at all. I don't know if she's really unsupportive and selfish or if I'm just so paranoid and self-absorbed that I expect the best that she can give. I'm trying so hard to make her happy but I don't know what to do.

So I guess I have a few questions, is she selfish or do I just need to relax and get of my high horse?
Should I even be in this relationship?
I don't want to hurt her at all, she is the sweetest girl and I just want to make sure she is okay and keep her from harm, but that's hard to do and I'm far too tired. So any help would be so appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Also, I'm so so sorry for typing so much. I'm not really thinking.

[Leed]

Hi ~ You need to relax. You can't MAKE someone into something that they aren't. If you're going to stay with her, you need to accept her the way she is. You can't change her, just as she can't change you.

And you must stop being "fake." You need to just be YOU. If you're being YOU right now, you're finding that you have an anger problem. Flying into rages isn't good, and if you're not in therapy, you should be. One of these days, you're going to hurt her and she doesn't deserve that. NO woman deserves that. Remember -- you cannot put your hands on her in anger!!! And WHO are you mad at anyway? I really doubt you're that mad at HER. I have a feeling it's someone/something in your past and you're just taking it out on her.

You may feel she's unsupportive, but look how supportive she was of you when you were in that very low spot earlier. She helped bring you out of that. Now SHE is low, and she wants you to help HER out of it. She can't be supportive right now because she's hurting. You should be able to see that.

Perhaps you two shouldn't be together at all since you both have serious issues. You need to talk to each other and decide if this is a good relationship or not. Don't just "leave" her -- talk it out. See what each of you wants to do. But you BOTH need therapy, and soon.

I wish you both the very best. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Trippin2.0]

No point in staying in a relationship you're not interested in being in.

You don't love this girl, you pity her. Thats unfair to both of you, and caring about her means wanting what's best for her.

How would you feel if someone stayed with you out of pity? I'd feel like dirt, that's for sure.

Just because you went all cray-cray after your last break-up, doen't mean she will. Who knows, she may even handle it with grace and finesse.

Please do the decent thing and allow her to find someone who loves her, because you both deserve much better than the BS you're settling for.

[Lovely Loss]

Thanks Leed, I guess I just needed someone to say it. I know I shouldn't be trying to change her and control her life, I just get so freaked out that I'll be alone and miserable that I can't help it sometimes.
I know, the anger is my biggest concern. I don't want to hurt her ever but I'm worried that one day things will just go all wrong and then who knows what can happen. That's the last thing I want and I guess I've been playing the victim so long that I let myself lose sight of that. Also I am in therapy and it's primarily based around my attachment issues, quickly making clear that I'm not actually mad at anyone in my life at the moment and so I understand that very clearly.
I know she is the one suffering now, I forget that sometimes which is a shameful thing. What's worse is she is suffering because she tried too hard to help me and I just threw that all away. One of the big reasons I'm in therapy is so that I break this whole detachment thing I do and actually be as loving as I should.
Thanks Leed, I really needed to hear that. I'll make sure to do what I'm supposed to do and be a good partner.

It's not that I'm not interested, Trippin, but that I'm just empty so much of the time. When I started going out with her I was very unsure but as time goes on I feel a lot more comfortable. I do want what's best for her and I may very well need to end the relationship to make sure that happens. But I'm just not sure yet and I'd rather not make a rash decision. I spoke to her a while ago and we've both agreed that therapy would be best, so with any luck we can see how that goes and make a good decision from there.

Oh and just to add, my last relationship, the girl was with me out of pity. I do understand what that's like and you're right, it's a horrible thing.

But thank you to both of you for the help, it really means a lot and I guess I just needed some obvious and objective logic thrown into this. Again, thank you for your help .

[Trippin2.0]

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Lovely Loss

.........pretending to be in love with her.

This is selfish, suggesting you play along because you refuse to be alone.

.......I regret agreeing to go out with her because now I'm in a situation where I can't leave

This speaks volumes to my earlier statement, about being disinterested in This relationship.

......... if I leave it could hurt her too much. So I don't.

This backs up my statement about pity/guilt

............But as time went on I became a little more accepting of the relationship.

This, this is so wrong on so many levels. You should ALWAYS want to be in a relationship with your partner, not learn to become accepting of one, as if you are held hostage.

.............Should I even be in this relationship?

The fact that you ask speak volumes....


The excerpts are why I feel and think neither of you should be in this relationship, with eachother.

You are there more because you hate being alone, and I have no idea what her reasons are, but both of you deserve better.

Therapy is an option, but doesn't seem viable under this light, IMO

I dont mean to be mean, just making an objective observation and pointing out how I came to this conclusion

[Perna]

It doesn't sound to me that either of you should be in this relationship. But, since you only control you, I would leave if I were you, fall back and regroup and see if you can get your head on straight relative to other people and your wanting to be in control, etc. No relationship can work if either person is not being themselves and working on their own things, being responsible for themselves alone, etc.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Lovely Loss

I don't like it if she does anything that I didn't allow like arriving five minutes late .

I just want to point out that amongst a huge mess of personality issues that you describe on both sides, this particular one is an easily controllable behavior. Just stopping to do that and accepting that people (she or anyone you will be with eventually) can be "fashionably late" and that is OK would improve your quality of life instantly, without years of therapy.

[Lovely Loss]

I do understand where you are coming from, Trippin, and I appreciate your opinion, I did ask for it after all. But yeah, I'm not too eager to back out of the relationship yet because I've done that kind of thing before. I find that I make poor and impulsive decisions based upon fleeting emotions. And I started this thread because I was upset and now that I've had plenty of time to cool off, I'm not in the same frame of mind. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my "perception" of reality changes quite violently and that one minute I can love her and I just adore the sweet and kind person that she is, then in a heartbeat I become some kind of monster and I just snap. So yeah, I've been thinking about it for a while I guess and I don't think it's that I don't enjoy being with her and care very much but that I should probably take into account that I have severe attachment issues. I guess I forget sometimes. Again, thank you very much for all your help, I hope things will work out but if I feel that everything is just going wrong, then I guess I'll have to take your advice.

Thanks for the opinion Perna, again, I might very well have to end the relationship but I'd like to keep trying. I'm only, now, just starting to understand the issues I have with connecting to people and I don't want to do anything too impulsively. I've talked to her about this and she's happy to see where it goes, I guess she's hoping for a miracle. But she's willing to try and fix this and so am I. So hopefully that can be done. thank you again.

I do try to control things like that ,hamster-bamster. As in I try to control my emotional reactions, I think I do okay. If I can talk myself down and bring a little logic into the situation, I find that things become okay and I actually really enjoy spending time with her.

Again, thank you to everyone who offered their help, it means a lot and I've taken everything that's been said and thought about it long and hard. Again, thank you .