My fiance is abusive, why can't I leave? HELP!!

So for the past 4 years of my life I have been trapped in a realationship with a very abusive and controlling guy. We got together when I was 16 (I am now 20) and he treats me like crap. We argue and fight literally everyday! Just last week he got mad at me because I wouldn't have sex with him and he ended up punching me in my mouth andchipping my tooth. Even still I just wanted to talk to him. He talks down to me constantly. He doesn't let me have any friends and he hates when I talk to my family memebers (parents/syblings) etc. He says "well if you need to talk to them, you don't need me" He gets mad for everything then turns it around like its my fault and he makes me feel bad. like when he punched me in my face he said "well this would of never happened if he would have just had sex with me" He makes me cry atleast 4 times a week and I coul sit there and cry myself to sleep right in front of him and he wouldnt care. He just sits there laughing anf playing on his phone talking to god knows who. He doesnt even look at me. He has hurt me in every way possible, I could go on and on.. but why can't i leave him?? he always tells me i can leave if i want and I do but then i come right back not even a full day later. When I break up with him for treating me like crap he doesnt even care. He doesnt call or apologize, so I just always call him and beg him to take me back. I know this sounds silly, but he has broken me down. I use to have alot of self esteem and confiedence but now I don't. I also suffer from a terrible anxienty issue which i believe is because of this unhealthy realtionship. Why can't I let him go? I hurt when im with him but I also hurt when im without him. he has put me through alot within these 4yrs. Cheating, Disrespecting me and abuse but I still have not left. I lost my virginity to him 3 years ago and that was a reason why I didnt leave initally. Now we hav no kids together but he wants some so bad, he's 21. I feel like maybe if i give him a child things will get better. I am scared because he is very immature and irresponsible. He never gives me money or buys me anything. I will starve before he go buy me some food. He has a really bad anger issue (only with me) I work and do everything for him, I cater to him and he never even says thanks. He just complains about what I am doing wrong. I dont want to be in this realtionship anymore. Any advice on leaving and staying away?

Please save yourself from this terrible abuse. Having kids with him would make this so much worse and trap you with him forever. Please don't bring a child into this situation. You deserve so much better than this.

You CAN leave. Contact a women's crisis center and find out how they can help. Pack up your things in secret, hide your money so that he can't access it, and leave. Don't tell him where you're going. Just go. Is there someone who could help you? Stay safe!

Because you are stuck in a cycle of abuse and can't see a way past it. I promise you it's okay for you to leave.

Things are already disastrous and if you enter a child in the picture, they will become tragic and entirely catastrophic.

Losing your virginity is inconsequential and should in no way determine or guide your decision making. So it was wrong to not leave him three years ago, but now, after you have suffered from him so badly, it is even more wrong not to leave him.

You probably need to contact a center that helps abused women with the practical steps.

And, you should be really happy that you have not had children with him. That seems to be the only positive thing.

Honestly, you're asking the wrong question. You can leave. So the question is: why won't you? What is stopping you?

If you think about it, and figure out the obstacles, that's the first step.

I did not notice at first that he is your fiancé, not boyfriend. Why/when did you decide to marry him?

>why can't i leave him?? he always tells me i can leave if i want and I do but then i come right back not even a full day later. When I break up with him for treating me like crap he doesnt even care. He doesnt call or apologize, so I just always call him and beg him to take me back.

This is the other positive thing in the story, besides that you don't have kids. Unlike many abuse situations, you CAN walk away without the threat of death if you leave. Just plan ahead so that you can STAY away this time. You can do it, but the help of experienced people will be a big benefit. You're so deep in this hole you can't quite see the way out alone.

Very good point, H3rmit.

Pinnk0123, also, you are breaking up with him wanting to get a rise of him - to have him call you or apologize. That is not the right motivation.

The right motivation is to break up with him once and for all to cause positive change in your life. With that motivation, you would not care less for his apologies or his calling record. They are completely irrelevant.

I think you should stop asking yourself why you can't leave him and just leave him. You may not feel like getting out of this relationship right now but this should be the easiest decision you'll ever make because I promise you that your relationship with this man will not improve.

Very good point. Leave now, rationalize later.

Wow. He sounds like a right old.... well, I'll let your imagination fill in the gaps.

Reading all this just makes me want to sob, and it also makes me so angry. If you had a friend who told you everything about her boyfriend as you've told us, what would you say to her? I bet it would to get the heck out of there. And although I do try to stop telling someone what to do, I say, get the heck out of there. Please, don't wait anymore, just go.

It IS hard, especially when your confidence has been worn to an all-time low. When you have no self-esteem because he's taken it all away from you. You feel like he's the only person there because he's keeping you away from your support network of friends and family. He's consuming you, the way you try and try again to help him with anything and everything with little thanks is proof of this. You need a break, step back to see things clearly He is broken, and trust me, he thinks so very little of you that he will never change, and that may just help you move on. Any declarations of love he may make you are hollow - actions speak louder than words. No amount of things you do for him, abuse you take, things you say sorry for that were never your fault, how much love you show him, he will not change. He needs therapy, and a ton of it, and while doing that, he needs to be a single man. He is a danger to women, end of.

I know he makes you feel bad when you talk to friends or family, but this is what you should do if you can. If you're close to your Mom, please tell her everything. She just may be the person who can help you pull yourself out of this - and if not, talk to anyone, father, sister, brother, a pal.. anyone who is a good friend. Its a trap, being in an abusive relationship, and you need help.

if you can leave i would,because i think it is a goods thing for you and this is just what i think but you hang in there god bless you with the holy ghost

This cycle will never end. You need to gather your essentials. Call a family member to meet you some where. Then You need to walk out the door and never look back. You may also want to contact the police.

the cycle does end..

WHEN YOU LEAVE

that is so true. OP, you are perpetuating the cycle by staying. The cycle will never stop unless you stop it. If you do not stop it, it may stop in a way that will be catastrophic for you, all the way up to violent death.

You wrote: " he ended up punching me in my mouth and chipping my tooth"

1) Have you thought of what would come next if you do not leave?

2) Have you seen a dentist and is there anything that can be done to recover the integrity of the tooth?

This is completely incorrect. The reason he wants a child is to secure you even more tightly to him. He will be a negligent, abusive father and he will not treat you better. No: he will treat you worse. Your child will suffer from his neglect/abuse and also from his mistreatment of you.

Right.

Plus, even if we assume, hypothetically, that things will get better ("I feel like maybe if i give him a child things will get better."), which has zero likelihood as pointed out by Bill, but just for the sake of a hypothetical, SO WHAT?

Even if it gets marginally better, it will still be very bad and you can still do way better for yourself in your life. You are not desperate in any way and you should not think desperate or act desperate.

I don't care why you have not let him go, the important thing is that you let go of him NOW. If you think you can't make it, ask for help. Find a counselor, psyc or anybody who can support you thru the process but please act NOW. Once you are far from the guy and your self-esteem had built up again you may turn back and see why you stayed with him. Right now you need to save yourself. Because you are in danger.

I'm sorry but I'm not going to give you any advice on staying...This guy is bad news. As you said, you used to have self esteem and confidence and now you don't. It's because of the way he has treated you. I went through the same thing and am suffering bad self esteem and confidence issues 10 years later. Bringing a child into this relationship will only make it harder and you don't want to have a child when the two of you are constantly fighting and arguing. Good luck to you.

As someone who has witnessed domestic violence the reason you can't leave is because he has broke you down to the point were you feel like no one else will ever love you. Well let me tell you this someone will love you and love you right. I went through many relationships were guys took advantage of me and hit me. It took me realizing I desvere better and getting brave to leave those realtionshits as I like to call them. Now I have the greatest guy in the world who treats me like a princess and makes me feel worthy of love. He tells me every day I am good enough. You need to run and I know it is not as easy as it sounds but you need to try. You don't desver what he is putting you through no one does. Also know it is never your fault you don't desver to be hit. I hope I helped.

I think you are having a hard time because you have not known anything else and going "out" and starting your life again, with what limited knowledge you had at 16 and haven't gained since, is very scary.

Do you have someone in your family you trust who does not live as near that you could go to, make it hard to go back to him within a day? Anyone who could help you find a job, get the rest of your education that you might want, get a job and try to move into a different, more comfortable life?