I don't understand this whole intimacy thing

How does someone become comfortable with having sexual interactions? I love my fiancee very much and every time we get close it is really great. I feel like i can trust him. I feel like he is just wonderful. Then suddenly something happens and i freak out. I have a really hard time with just cuddling. I've been engaged to him for a year and a half and i'm still a virgin. Only because he wants to respect my wishes. The only problem is that I feel like everytime we start to cuddle, I enjoy it and then suddenly i think what more is this going to lead to? Are we just doing this so that he can climax, or because he likes to see me climax? I've talked to him about this so many times and he trys his best to convince me otherwise. I know he loves me. I've never known anyone love anyone more than he loves me. I love him too. Then sometimes, I am relaxed and things are ok. When things are ok, I get suddenly really tired. Or i get a headache. Or we just pick inconvient times, like times when i am tired. The problem with that is that being with him is my only place where i really feel safe right now. So I automattically feel more relaxed when i'm with him. So it's like i'm always tired. He tells me that maybe we should just have sex so that I can get past it, and maybe i'm just scared of the next step. I know that he will never take advantage of me and that this is just a suggestion of his. Then he says that he wants my first time to be special for me to. But that makes me feel like he doesn't understand. Of course he doesn't understand, he's not me. The thing to is that we have tried cuddling and he even tells me that he just wants to cuddle. But then these serious of thoughts go through my head like well is he just saying that because he is trying to calm me down enough so that i would want to have more? Then usually, i'm the one who makes the move on him. I just don't understand what to do! I'm scared that it's going to be like this even when we are married. I talked to him about this last night and he said that he doesn't want our wedding night to be like torture for me. He wants me to enjoy it as well. So he thinks that we should wait to get married because he doesn't think i'm ready for it. (which we are going to wait anyway, because of finacialy rasons.) I feel like the only way i can have someone that mentally close to me is if i also get physically close as well.... but i'm a Virgin!!! So it's not like i'm getting very physically close. But we do make contact. I'm just really confused right now. Is this normal? I can't see a therapist right now. I don't have the money. And second, if i do and ANYONE in my family finds out, then not only would i be heavily insulted, but i'm scared that i might be thrown out. So what i need to know is what can i do for myself? I know there are self-help books, but I don't know which ones.. i don't know if these feelings are normal. I really need input on this.
-Audrey

Hi-
I am dealing with some of this also in my marriage, and honestly all I have found that works for me is to allow myself to feel the comfort I get from him, because I don't recall any time when sex with anyone was not filled with anxiety or stress. But comfort is a beautiful thing.
-AH

-Ariel

Whatever you can do,
Or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic, in it.
-Goethe

Audrey... first of all, congratulations on finding a safe and patient man! That's a feat in itself. I don't have a lot of advice for you because I'm still single and basically a virgin. I mean... I was raped once, but I don't think that counts. It might be that you have a very strong conscience about staying pure until you are married. If that is the case, you could move further with you mate after marriage. Is there any doctrine from the past ingrained into you that would make your subconscience keep you from doing the sex act before marriage? I"m just stabbing at ideas. I hope it helps you sort through it all.

Actually, i guess what i'm saying is that i automatically assume that we can't touch without it leading to something more. I can't help but think that, and it's driving me nuts! That's pretty much the way I have been my whole life. I always had to look out for myself. I always had to make sure no one would hurt me. But now, I know that he won't hurt me, but i still can't just let go. It is very frustrating, and i don' t know what to do.

Audrey, it seems from reading this board, and from my own experience, that many people have frustrations over physical intimacy. Sharing physical intimacy with someone you love can be one of the most beautiful things one can experience. However, it can also be an opportunity for major problems and issues.

Take a step back and realize the blessings that you have in your life. You have a man in your life that seems to be patient and understanding of your needs. That in and of itself is a wonderful thing as I think the number of men that would be as patient with you is certainly very small.

In order for a relationship to succeed long term a couple has to conect mentally, emotionally and physically. And, over time each individual's needs in each of these areas may change significantly.

It seems that many people have deep rooted issues with physical intimacy, stemming from their upbringing, what they are taught and told about physical intimacy as well as any mental and emotional issues that they are currently dealing with. In general, I feel that American society has way too many hang ups about sex. Too many people get the wrong messages... it is "wrong", it is "dirty", "men are after only one thing", you name it the list goes on and on.

Granted, I may not be one to give advice because I have had my own "issues" over physical intimacy. However, I feel as though I have learned a LOT having gone through what I did. I placed too much emphasis on physical intimacy and as a result wound up in relationships with women that were wrong for me and ruined a relationship with a woman that was perfect for me.

I guess the bottom line is to achieve a delicate balance between the mental, emotional and physical connection bewteen a couple. If there are issues or problems with any one of these areas it will cause a fracture in even the strongest foundation of a relationship.

Frankly, I think that the physical connection should be the easiest, but it is often not. And, as you grow older and experience a true loving physical intimacy your attitude about it may change. I guess what concerns me is your "fear" about physical intimacy, especially since you have a man in your life that is patient and understanding. Ideally it would be great to see if you could replace the dear with excitement and anticipation. Afterall, sex between a man and a woman that love each otehr should be special, loving, comforting and even fun.

I really would see what you could do to see a therapist before you start this marriage. Better to work out these problems before hand than after the fact. Many communities have mental health services provided by Catholic Charities or some other community agency at a sliding fee scale based on a person's ability to pay. Wouldn't it be easier to resolve these issues now, rahter than wait until they create a problem once you are married?

A lack of connection in physical intimacy can lead to anger, frustration and resentment. This, in turn, will begin eroding the bond that you have in the mental and emotional arenas. And, if the connection in those areas gets eroded you will no longer have a relationship.

Remember, you are blessed to have a man that is patient and understanding. But, I think you owe it to him and to yourself to get this issue resolved before you make a committment.

I, too, waited a long time before losing my virginity, I was twenty
seven. OK how about this, picture in your mind, this man who loves you so much, picture things slowly becoming more and more intimate, maybe a shower together, maybe undressing, then thinking, what is the worst that can happen? What do you feel like you would lose if you lost your virginity, it could be, in your mind, your innocence, your control, your sanity, your security, figure out what in your mind might hold you back..share this with your boyfriend, then ask him if you felt vulnerable after a certain degree of intimacy would he hold you close and let you know how loved you are? You sound very aware of your feelings, and this will help you.