[LOSTandCONFUSED22]

I've had a hard childhood, and difficult past all around. I know it's made me who I am today, and even though it's not something that I like to ever talk about, I feel proud of the person I am today and that I made it out alive.
I have a boyfriend and we've been in love for 7 years, we just recently started living together, and getting more serious than ever before. He's a social worker and I am very proud of him. Only he analysis me constantly. It's starting to make me feel as if I have something wrong with me, or that my past has messed me up far more than I thought it had.
He sees every personality flaw in me whether it be that I am too particular, unaffectionate, moody, I don't care about him the way a person with proper relationship skills would, I don't have sex with him as often as he's had in past relationships, because of the lack of affection he says he doesn't feel close to me, and that I am not as kind as other people are. I am trying my hardest to open myself more and be more comfortable with affection, I'm just not sure I'll ever be that "normal" someone that he'll be completely happy with. I feel as though there will always be something about me that needs changing.
I always thought I was meant to be alone from past relationship experiences.
Does anyone know whether there is a a proper way to be in a relationship? Am I supposed to let every ounce of affection in, am I supposed to not care whether dishes get done, or messes are left? If I were to get mad at something like that, is it ok for me to feel that way? Is there such thing as an invasion of personal space when you're in a relationship?

[Neptune83]

There's such thing as invasion of personal space with anything, relationship or not.
I hear where you're coming from, I went through rather a lot, particularly in my teens, this has led to two issues - needing affection way more than the average person and not wanting it at all. Two extremes, coming from the same place. What you go through doesn't make you who you are I don't think, more determines how you may react to certain things. I think you're completely 'normal', if something bad has happened to you in the past then it would be a normal reaction to perhaps not want to be touched. Certain things may trigger flashbacks that can lead you to not wanting affection in any way, being a social worker your partner should understand this. My husband used to work in mental health, he is constantly analysing me and it drives me insane at times. Everything always comes down to mental health, I can't just be having a crap day. Just because you've gone through something or you have mental health problems, it doesn't make you less human and it doesn't mean that you can't just be having a bad day just like the rest of us. It also doesn't mean that you aren't suffering from what you went through either.
As for things like housework, it annoys me that sometimes it doesn't get done as soon as it should, but it's not the end of the world. Other things annoy me more, but that is individual.

["Tilly may"]

theres nothing wrong with you. You sound normal to me. What doesnt sound normal is your boyfriends need to berate you. I see it as a sign of abuse. He must have some insecurities or unresolved issues if he needs to constantly put you down.

I thought the same as Tilly May. Seems to be that he has the issues, and I do think one is very unfair. How can you give someone everything, really let down your barriers if he keeps picking at your personality? I would say that was pretty hard to do. Treat someone with kindness, love, patience and understanding and watch them bloom.

By the way, the way he interprets sex and your sex drive is his problem, not yours. People do have different sex drives, but because yours is lower to his previous girlfriends, it doesn't have to equal you not caring about him. That's a skewered way of thinking and sounds a little manipulative to me. Sorry if I offended you.

[Neptune83]

I think it's rather harsh for him to say you're not as kind as other people. But the other stuff, you say he sees flaws, has he actually said those things to you or is that how you've interpreted it? Sometimes if we're feeling really low about ourselves we assume that someone thinks certain things about us which they may not, or we take things the wrong way. If he has said those things then that's really not on.

[Daylight003]

Hi Lost&Confused ~

Sorry you're going through this... Unfortunately I have to agree with the others. Whether he is aware of it or not, he is emotionally putting you down, and based on what you have said, it does seem like he has his own hmm 'issues'. You need to understand that it's not your fault. Yes you have gone through a hard childhood but whatever impact that has had on you, in effect makes your emotional state now completely 'normal'.

For any relationship to 'work' however, you need to communicate with one another. Have you told him about your point of view in regards to his negative criticism? He perhaps isn't truly aware of his behavior and how it's affecting you?

All in all though, you don't need to change - not for anyone (that includes your boyfriend.) The only person you should change for is yourself. At the end of the day, do whatever makes you happy. Be whoever you want to be. If you're proud of yourself, then you're already on the right track. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

I hope things start to improve for you soon. Take care and feel free to let us know how you are getting on ~

[mitingas]

Originally Posted by LOSTandCONFUSED22

I've had a hard childhood, and difficult past all around. I know it's made me who I am today, and even though it's not something that I like to ever talk about, I feel proud of the person I am today and that I made it out alive.
I have a boyfriend and we've been in love for 7 years, we just recently started living together, and getting more serious than ever before. He's a social worker and I am very proud of him. Only he analysis me constantly. It's starting to make me feel as if I have something wrong with me, or that my past has messed me up far more than I thought it had.
He sees every personality flaw in me whether it be that I am too particular, unaffectionate, moody, I don't care about him the way a person with proper relationship skills would, I don't have sex with him as often as he's had in past relationships, because of the lack of affection he says he doesn't feel close to me, and that I am not as kind as other people are. I am trying my hardest to open myself more and be more comfortable with affection, I'm just not sure I'll ever be that "normal" someone that he'll be completely happy with. I feel as though there will always be something about me that needs changing.
I always thought I was meant to be alone from past relationship experiences.
Does anyone know whether there is a a proper way to be in a relationship? Am I supposed to let every ounce of affection in, am I supposed to not care whether dishes get done, or messes are left? If I were to get mad at something like that, is it ok for me to feel that way? Is there such thing as an invasion of personal space when you're in a relationship?

You are completely normal person. He's got a problem. If you are satisfied with yourself that is enough. Tell him you are sorry, but you are what you are and can't change. Of course if it some minor things you can, but in other things not. If you told him this than he will certainly start to respect you more .

[winter4me]

Run. I say. I know this place, it does not bring you health and joy. It sets you up to be the "problem" and him to be "normal", it is crazy-making, You are entitled to be treated with respect for you feelings, to have your concerns taken seriously, to be equal in the relationship and not to be compared to others real or imagined. Unless he is able to acknowledge his own problems, this is not love...a powerful attachment, a kind of drug perhaps, but not love. He is using his "knowledge", which sounds superficial, as a weapon. Do not stand for it.

["Tilly may"]

Originally Posted by winter4me

Run. I say. I know this place, it does not bring you health and joy. It sets you up to be the "problem" and him to be "normal", it is crazy-making, You are entitled to be treated with respect for you feelings, to have your concerns taken seriously, to be equal in the relationship and not to be compared to others real or imagined. Unless he is able to acknowledge his own problems, this is not love...a powerful attachment, a kind of drug perhaps, but not love. He is using his "knowledge", which sounds superficial, as a weapon. Do not stand for it.

You are so right!

[Perna]

There's no one proper way to be in a relationship except that each party is supposed to work hard to do their best and not judge! That he is analyzing you, could be his social worker self working overtime, does he realize how he comes across to you? I would tell him you do not need his criticism and analysis of your behaivor, just his relating to you as himself, telling you what he likes and does not like, not how you "should" be or comparing you to others!

When my husband wants a hug, he asks for a hug. None of us are mind readers or perfectly attuned to another. That you are not as spontaneous as those your boyfriend has known in the past does not mean there is anything "wrong" with you, your style and likes are different from his. That he enjoys hugs, sex, etc. good for him! But that is not about you. Tell him you are doing what is best for you and to quit his comparisons and criticism, those other people are not there in your relationship and can't help him. All that can help him and you is his being himself and sharing that self with you as he is inclined/able and hoping you will reciprocate in kind as you are inclined/able.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by LOSTandCONFUSED22

He's a social worker and I am very proud of him. Only he analyses me constantly.

It sounds to me like
1) verbal abuse
2) verbal abuse, exacerbated by exploiting your vulnerabilities (difficult childhood etc) with the use of professional experience and knowledge

Coincidentally, I received this today in the email, with the bold part being basically what you call your boyfriend "analyzing" you. does that sound familiar?

-- a newsletter from Patricia Evans, who specializes in helping the victims of verbal abuse, which she defines as

"Verbal abuse attempts to limit or bring down your consciousness and thus your ability to act.
It defines you in a negative way, threatens you, silences you, or even defines you as non-existent with the silent treatment. There are many ways that verbal abuse can adversely affect you. If someone tells you your motives, needs, thoughts and so forth, they are indulging in verbal abuse. They are defining you as something other than what you are. If you are frequently defined, over time you may begin to doubt yourself."

I find this very helpful and wish I had found out about her earlier.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

but because yours is lower to his previous girlfriends, it doesn't have to equal you not caring about him. That's a skewered way of thinking and sounds a little manipulative to me. Sorry if I offended you.

I agree with seeing him as being manipulative, but would like change the bold part to:

"because yours is lower than the sex drives of his previous girlfriends AS PER HIS REPORTS"

In other words, you know absolutely nothing of the sex drives of his previous girlfriends.

[BonnieG2010]

you know, the only hint that your past is still affecting your present is that you let him put you down the way he does.

You should be more supportive of yourself and whatever you are. I am not criticizing you! I am just saying that THIS is, in my opinion, the only thing you need to change.
Learn a more secure self-esteem so that you won't believe anyone coming in and saying "hey! you shouldn't be like this, but like that"

Let me ask you a question: what if you try to become what he is trying to turn you into and then he changes his mind? Would you be forever running after his requests?

It is quite typical of a certain person to say: I am ok, i am super kind, super clever let me help you.
If you are in a couple you are equal, if you are not equal you are not a couple.

[LadyMickey]

I think it's because of your childhood that you like to keep your distance from people not to get hurt again, which explains your lack of kindness, as you say. There is no real 'proper relationship'. Just as long as there is a connection, a love. That you still have feelings towards each other.

Look, if you feel uncomfortable, just ask for some space. It's your mind and body - you can allow every affection you like. I think it's only right to be angry or mad at something if the reason behind it isn't valid.

Stay strong anyhow. I'm proud you crawled out of that hole and stayed strong. Good for you!