[chris.Tina]

Hi everyone,

I am in a desperate situation. I really don't know how to deal with a personal issue. I am in a relationship for a year now, I feel like this person is my other half. We don't have many common things, but I like him a lot and I am in love with him, even though he told me about his past. He was not a "good" boy in his sexual life. He never been in a relationship before, although he is 33 years old. My problem is not with him, we fight and we talk and generally do things that are supposed to be normal in a relationship.
My real problem are my parents. They used to like him, because he was a nice man, but they learned (not by me) about his sexual past, they asked him and he said it was true and now they think he is not a nice man and that he is not suitable for me.
Note that I still live with them. My life since then is a living hell. They argue with me, they want me to stop dating him and they are checking his past BUT my decision is final, I want to be with him.
Do anyone has an idea how to make them change their mind or even how to make them accept my decision?

[Leed]

You don't say how old YOU are, but I assume you are an adult, correct? And since you are an adult, they have NO RIGHT to interfere with who you are dating or having a relationship with.

The only problem is that you're still living with them. They feel THAT gives them the right to interfere. They feel that since you're living under their roof, they can set the rules and tell you what to do. Why don't you move in with your boyfriend? Why are you still living with your parents instead of your boyfriend? Wouldn't it be better if the two of you lived together, or don't you think it would work out? If you don't think it would work out, then what's the point?

If you're working, why not try to get a place of your own? I think it's time you got your own place anyway, depending of course on your age! If you continue to live with your parents, you're going to continue to have these fights, probably regardless of what man you bring home. I doubt anyone will be good enough.

Best of luck and take care. I hope things work out. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by chris.Tina

Hi everyone,

I am in a desperate situation. I really don't know how to deal with a personal issue. I am in a relationship for a year now, I feel like this person is my other half. We don't have many common things, but I like him a lot and I am in love with him, even though he told me about his past. He was not a "good" boy in his sexual life. He never been in a relationship before, although he is 33 years old. My problem is not with him, we fight and we talk and generally do things that are supposed to be normal in a relationship.
My real problem are my parents. They used to like him, because he was a nice man, but they learned (not by me) about his sexual past, they asked him and he said it was true and now they think he is not a nice man and that he is not suitable for me.
Note that I still live with them. My life since then is a living hell. They argue with me, they want me to stop dating him and they are checking his past BUT my decision is final, I want to be with him.
Do anyone has an idea how to make them change their mind or even how to make them accept my decision?

Hi,

I don't think you can make your parents change their minds or accept him, unfortunately. Parents do this sort of thing quite often. They want what's best, but instead of showing love and concern, they show disapproval instead, which makes you feel rebellious and uninterested in really listening to their opinion. Your parents are behaving this way because they care about you and are concerned about your future.

If my daughter told me that she was dating a man who raped someone, I would have an extremely hard time even allowing that person into my home, let alone give him my blessing to date her. I wouldn't care how "nice" he seemed or how much he appeared to have "changed".

That said, you are in love with this guy which makes it very difficult for you to hear what your parents have to say. I get that. Nobody can tell you what choices to make, ultimately. You are your own person. Try to make the best possible choices for yourself, regardless of what others say, and try to be as smart as possible. That's the best you can hope to do. Stay safe!

[Leed]

I may have misunderstood, but i don't see ANYWHERE, where she said this man RAPED anyone! She said that he was not a "good boy" in his sexual past, which could mean he slept around, etc. But rape? Could be, but that's not what she said.

Tina, if he HAS raped someone that's a different story. Has he gone to prison? Has he gotten any treatment for this kind of thing? A little more info would be helpful IF he has raped someone.

If there is rape involved, I guess I would be upset if my daughter were involved with someone like that too -- but at the same time, depending on your age again, I wouldn't be able to make the decisions for you. I would hope that I had brought you up with better decision making skills than that. I certainly wouldn't want someone like that around any children of mine -- or potential children. There's a LOT to think about with this man.

Wishing you the best. Hugs, Lee

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Leed

I may have misunderstood, but i don't see ANYWHERE, where she said this man RAPED anyone! She said that he was not a "good boy" in his sexual past, which could mean he slept around, etc. But rape? Could be, but that's not what she said.

Tina, if he HAS raped someone that's a different story. Has he gone to prison? Has he gotten any treatment for this kind of thing? A little more info would be helpful IF he has raped someone.

If there is rape involved, I guess I would be upset if my daughter were involved with someone like that too -- but at the same time, depending on your age again, I wouldn't be able to make the decisions for you. I would hope that I had brought you up with better decision making skills than that. I certainly wouldn't want someone like that around any children of mine -- or potential children. There's a LOT to think about with this man.

Wishing you the best. Hugs, Lee

I agree with you. I am certain that there was no rape involved, per OP. Rape is a crime. You do not refer to a criminal as someone who "was not a "good" boy in his sexual life". You refer to a criminal as a "rapist" without resorting to euphemisms.

"He was not a "good" boy in his sexual life" + "He never been in a relationship before, although he is 33 years old." ==> sounds like a person who had more sexual partners than the parents of OP find appropriate while not having had long-term relationships until this current one with OP. None of that remotely resembles having a criminal history.

However... if there is a possibility of his having a criminal history, then OP needs to find out, and not from him ("he told me about his past", "about his sexual past, they asked him and he said it was true" is all about finding out from him) but from public records. Sexual crimes/offenses are public records. OP needs to make a search in the sex offender database or contact her local police department and they will help her investigate his past for her.

[chris.Tina]

OMG... None of the above. I meant that he had sex with random women, married or not, I just thought that the word "sex" was not appropriate for the forum.

I am 25 years old by the way and I don't work, I was fired due to economic crises.

If he was a criminal, or a gambler, or something that does not change and it is an addiction, I wouldn't even date him. Or if I learned that he had criminal records, stuff like that, I wouldn't agree more and even I wouldn't discuss this right now and of course I wouldn't even fight with my parents about this.

Also I checked his records and everything connecting to him. I should write in the first place he was naughty... :P

Sorry for the confusion, I don't get much sleep lately...

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by chris.Tina

OMG... None of the above. I meant that he had sex with random women, married or not, I just thought that the word "sex" was not appropriate for the forum.

I am 25 years old by the way and I don't work, I was fired due to economic crises.

If he was a criminal, or a gambler, or something that does not change and it is an addiction, I wouldn't even date him. Or if I learned that he had criminal records, stuff like that, I wouldn't agree more and even I wouldn't discuss this right now and of course I wouldn't even fight with my parents about this.

Also I checked his records and everything connecting to him. I should write in the first place he was naughty... :P

Sorry for the confusion, I don't get much sleep lately...

You didn't cause any confusion chris.Tina.

Do you see any similarity between the reactions of people on the board, or even yourself, and the reaction of your parents at the suggestion that your guy had raped someone rather than slept around? Let's examine that.

What is the underlying message from your parents? That "being naughty" or "sleeping around" is unacceptable. That it is not tolerable. That they want something "better" for their daughter.

Sleeping around is less extreme "immoral" behavior than rape. But does that mean that it is in line with your parents' values?

You are an adult and have your own set of values, which differ from those of your parents. This is the true source of your conflict. You are experiencing a clash of values with your parents.

I think it is important for both you and your parents to recognize this clash. Otherwise, you will both continue to try to "win" the argument. Realistically neither of you will succeed in bringing the other over to your side. Meanwhile, you will be locked in this resentment of your parents, and they will feel the same resentment.

Your parents will need to agree to disagree with you on this point and you will need to do the same. I think an honest conversation with your parents would be a step in the right direction here. I hope you are able to work it out! If you have a therapist, he or she should be able to give you some helpful pointers.

[hamster-bamster]

LovelaceF,

You are saying that sleeping aroud and being a rapist are quantitatively but not qualitatively different.

Nothing can be further from the truth.

Our legal system correctly reflects the fact that nothing can be further from the truth by leaving consensual sexual acts within the domain of private behavior into which the government needs not to intervene, while making forced sex against somebody's will a punishable criminal offense.

The sex part that is present in sleeping around and rape does not make them in any way comparable. The modern view of rape emphasizes the force and abuse of physical power that the perpetrator has over the victim.

It is important to have the ability to tell those two apart. OP, if your parents show lack of understanding that no amount of sleeping around would make your bf a criminal/rapist, you may want to try to explain that to the parents. This has nothing to do with values but everything to do with the ability to identify and isolate the core element of the crime called rape.

[hamster-bamster]

And, the crime of rape has no quantitative threshold, to the best of my knowledge - in other words, it is not that it is OK to force sex on 5 people but not OK on 10. One clearcut act of forced sex makes the perpetrator a rapist, and probably for life (I do not think that the crime of rape can be lifted off the record after a number of yeas - in other words, rape is worse than a DUI/DWI).

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

LovelaceF,

You are saying that sleeping aroud and being a rapist are quantitatively but not qualitatively different.

Nothing can be further from the truth.

Our legal system correctly reflects the fact that nothing can be further from the truth by leaving consensual sexual acts within the domain of private behavior into which the government needs not to intervene, while making forced sex against somebody's will a punishable criminal offense.

Perhaps that is an accurate statement where you live. However, it is inaccurate as applied to many states in the U.S. For example, in the state in which I live, a court can order a rapist to counseling and put no mark on his permanent record if he happens to be married to his accuser.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by LovelaceF

Perhaps that is an accurate statement where you live. However, it is inaccurate as applied to many states in the U.S. For example, in the state in which I live, a court can order a rapist to counseling and put no mark on his permanent record if he happens to be married to his accuser.

That is more a reflection of the fact that rape accusations from spouses are harder to vet than are rape accusations from complete strangers (or, to a lesser extent, from acquaintances).

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by LovelaceF

Perhaps that is an accurate statement where you live. However, it is inaccurate as applied to many states in the U.S. For example, in the state in which I live, a court can order a rapist to counseling and put no mark on his permanent record if he happens to be married to his accuser.

That small caveat does nothing to the fact that the government does not interfere with or intervene in consensual sexual relationships, as a rule.

Moreover, it actually strengthens the government's stance on non-interference with consensual sexual relationships, because the government (the judicial system is a branch of the government) recognizes the fact that the status of being married speaks to the original intent of the aggrieved spouse to have sex with the other spouse, so as a compromise, as well as a reflection on the difficulties with the collection of evidence, the judicial system first goes a more lenient route in the cases of married spouses.

To reiterate, it confirms that consensual relationships need not be intervened with, and thus confirms that the OP's BF's having "slept around" in the past was not in any way criminal.

The point was that you compared criminal and non-criminal behavior, without regard to the apples/oranges situation. You can eat however many apples and yet they will not turn into oranges (unless, of course, by magic - there is always that possibility).

[LovelaceF]

It was only since 2003 that the "law of the land" i.e. the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that states cannot make laws against consensual sodomy. Before then, there were perhaps 10 states with such laws on the books, including mine.

In any case, yes, laws are trending toward privacy and toward personal choice on that front. There are plenty of lawmakers who would prefer to see that trend reversed, though, I can assure you. This is because homosexual relationships, even though legal in most cases, still contradict people's values.

I stand by what I said. The OP's parents and the OP have a conflict of values. This story is as old as the sun.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by LovelaceF

There are plenty of lawmakers who would prefer to see that trend reversed, though, I can assure you. This is because homosexual relationships, even though legal in most cases, still contradict people's values.

I thought that people dislike homosexual relationships out of homophobia, which is a special case of xenophobia ("xeno" meaning, in this context, anything "other than" and not necessarily physically from another country), and xenophobia is extremely common and indeed leads Christian people to prefer that their daughters date Christian boyfriends and not Jewish boyfriends, and vice versa, and also leads Hindi people to prefer that their daughters not marry Muslims, and vice versa, and that problem, indeed, is as old as the sun, but especially common these days due to all the demographic mash-ups we have had recently, but it has nothing to do with values. The talk of "values" is a way to distance oneself from the underlying xenophobia because there is some positive connotation to "values" and no positive connotation to "xenophobia".

Clearly, a person who says that homosexual relationships between other people contradict their values would look better this way, at least to some, than if they just bluntly say that the thought of a homosexual relationship is unpleasant to them... even physically unpleasant... but I prefer to deal with people who are honest, and I know folks who just do not want to even picture the reality of homosexual relationships in their minds because they are disgusted, and as long as we do not build policy based on their disgust, I am fine listening to them without silencing them in any way - I find their honesty far more endearing and appealing than the invocation of "values".

Back to OP - the parents might want their daughter to date a boyfriend who would be sexually exclusive with her, and, believing that past performance predicts future results, dislike this particular guy for this particular reason. This would not be irrational, nor would it be xenophobic.

Do OP's parents have a right to opine on OP's selection criteria, or does OP need to be left alone to decide how she would fill the bf's position has been covered exhaustively in

Originally Posted by Leed

You don't say how old YOU are, but I assume you are an adult, correct? And since you are an adult, they have NO RIGHT to interfere with who you are dating or having a relationship with.

The only problem is that you're still living with them. They feel THAT gives them the right to interfere. They feel that since you're living under their roof, they can set the rules and tell you what to do. Why don't you move in with your boyfriend? Why are you still living with your parents instead of your boyfriend? Wouldn't it be better if the two of you lived together, or don't you think it would work out? If you don't think it would work out, then what's the point?

If you're working, why not try to get a place of your own? I think it's time you got your own place anyway, depending of course on your age! If you continue to live with your parents, you're going to continue to have these fights, probably regardless of what man you bring home. I doubt anyone will be good enough.

Best of luck and take care. I hope things work out. God bless. Hugs, Lee

It seems to me that some sort of compromise can be achieved if OP's parents point out to her why they dislike the guy, and how they think she should go about selecting candidates to fill the bf's position, but after they have said what they wanted to say, they should back off.

[chris.Tina]

Dear all,

Really thank you for helping me, your answers are helpful.

The problem is not that they think he is a rapist or something. As LovelaceF said they think he is just no suitable any more for me, because he slept with a married woman for several times and because someone called home and told them that.

I tried to talk to them, but instead they say they know he is cheating on me. They really know that this is not happening. Also they say he is crazy, when I try to talk.

I told them that I won't leave him, because I really feel for him lots of things. Know they say it is because I feel sorry for him.

They drive me crazy. I don't know if this is the right move, but I decided to leave from home for three weeks for Easter vacations.

I didn't tell them that yet. I can not talk to them anymore. I try to tell them that I know their worries, but is my life. Especially my mother wants to control this part of my life. I feel like I play in a movie... Police involved, parents and child under "war"


I really want someone to talk to, but everyone around me tells my parents about what I say to them (not my parents). I don't trust anyone anymore, plus that whatever I say is transmitted with corruption.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by chris.Tina

because he slept with a married woman for several times and because someone called home and told them that.

I didn't tell them that yet. I can not talk to them anymore. I try to tell them that I know their worries, but is my life. Especially my mother wants to control this part of my life. I feel like I play in a movie... Police involved, parents and child under "war"


I really want someone to talk to, but everyone around me tells my parents about what I say to them (not my parents). I don't trust anyone anymore, plus that whatever I say is transmitted with corruption.

The bold part points to a presence of a whole network of people trying to control your life - a network that is larger than the nuclear family.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by chris.Tina

Also they say he is crazy, when I try to talk.

Then there is no point in talking more - you have made enough attempts at talking. You are probably trying to tell them things that seem reasonable in your mind, but if their response is that he is crazy, then they confirm that they do not want to listen to any common sense-based arguments you might want to make. Their saying that he is crazy negates everything you have said, might have said, and may say in the future.

So you won't get anywhere from talking to them: they and you are using different languages, that may on the surface seem to both be English, but on a deeper level, are different.

That does not mean that they do not want the best for you - they might very well want the best for you.

The mother might also have a need to control your behavior, as yet a separate problem.