[scorpio]

hi everyone
I really need some advice on my relationship. My husband of 18 years had an affair last year. I am still trying to get over it but find it very hard to forgive him, because I've always put him and our children first I didn;t even know we were having problems. But now he is putting all the blame on me for why he had an affair it is very confussing for me am I to blame for his affair, I just don't know. I don't feel as if I am responsable but I don't know. any advice please

Thank you

[Rhapsody]

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

I am so SORRY that you are having to feel the sting of unfaithfulness from our husband..... PLEASE know that YOU are NOT in any way responsible for him having this affair - for no matter what issues the marriage had or what he had been personally going through emotionally or with in life.... he still was the one that had to make that final decision in the end - at the moment of being with the other woman.

If I may ask? - are YOU even entertaining the thought of trying to save this marriage (or) are you just wanting to find a way out?


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Lexicon78]

You are never responsible for his actions....he is! It sounds like he doesn't want to deal with it and deal with the fact that he screwed up.

Please try to hang in there.

[scorpio]

at the moment we are only together for our children because we do not want to mess up there lives. We do not argue or fight they are not in a negative enviroment , but they are at a very vunerable age at the moment . as far as I am concerned the marraige is over, This other woman phoned me and told me everything that went on and I just can't get over what was said. I have been in therapy but only 3 sessions. i am doing okay at the moment but there are a lot of other things going on at the moment. I am supporting our family on my own and finding it very stressful but i am manageing. I really need to get all this out of my system as I feel it is going to bring me down. Thank you for the kind words it means a lot to me

Regards Scorpio

[Rhapsody]

Well if YOU need to get it out of your system........ YOU have come to the right place - VENT away My FRIEND!!!!

...................... Our ears are Open WIDE!!! - and We care.


LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( )))

Hi Scorpio. It's a cop out and he is avoiding all responsibility. *He* made the decision to be unfaithful, not you. He was not forced into that. He made a conscious decision.

If he felt something was lacking in your relationship or if he felt there was a problem, he should have behaved like a responsible person and talk it through with you. He didn't.

The question now is where he wants to go from here (stay in a commited relationship with his wife, or use a cop-out). But also, you have to decide whether you still want to be with him and/or can trust him?

So please, do *not* take the brunt of his 'actions'!

[valexand]

I respect your effort of trying to forgive him and trying to stick together for the kids but....I am a kid of a mother who went through the same thing. Have your kids found out about this yet? Do they suspect? Me and my brother accidentally discovered it and we are really torn about how to feel for both of our parents. They are our parents and we love them but both of us feel disgust for our father for doing this and pitty for our mom for putting up with it. I still don't agree with my mother's way of dealing with this. If your kids find out, then it really doesn't matter if you try to stick together with him or not. One thing is for sure, if this thing ever happens to me, I will not tolerate it, kids or no kids. I will not see myself going through the same ordeal as my mom. I am still angry at her for not standing up for herself!

[scorpio]

Hi all thank you for all the kind words. My children do know about the affair and even met the O/W. My problem is it hit my one daughter so hard that she said she was going to kill herself becauses in her opinion if her daddy doesn't love mommy then he can't love her because she is a part of us both. This really hit me hard to see my children is such pain. I don't ever want to experience that again. It is one of the worst situations to be in. If it weren't for my children i wouldn't be here now. (if you know what I mean) they are the ones that keep me going every day. They love there father and I don't feel that they would be able to cope without him. As for me, well I guess I'm in for the long haul. I am at present studying to get a better job and to be able to support my children in the future.

Keep well veryone and thanks again for all the advice.

Scorpio

[Determined]

It is a hard situation to deal with. My husband left me for another woman. I was so afraid he would take my kids as well because he left me in an awkward predicament. Mainly barely employable and emotionally drained. Try managing this on top of the fact that a husband cheated on you. It has been four years later. I managed to finish my degree in teaching but still haven't found a job. I am trying not to upset the kids by moving so it is very challenging. Just when I think things might work out something kicks me back to square one. Maybe not square one but at least go back three spaces and feel like crap again for even trying. This isn't just about being cheated on it is about survival. My kids felt the sting as well, I wish things would stop hurting and some days they do. Keep in touch.

[Maven]

Are your kids in therapy? I think they could definitely use it. I think it's a bad idea to stay together "for the kids." If he's a good father, then he'll make sure he sees his kids even if you're separated or divorced. He'll also pay financial support. The kids aren't going to not have problems just because you stay with a man who has hurt you so much and blames you for his actions.

Like Always said, if he had problems in your marriage, he should have talked to you about it, and not strayed. He has no right to blame you for his decision.

[scorpio]

Thank you all for your replies i apriciate it. Financially he can not support his children as he is not working,I am supporting the family on a pretty small wage.I do think I made a big mistake in staying for the sake of the children but i won't be able to handle my childrens pain if I do leave. i is a really sticky situation. i just don't know what to do about it. Tommorow will be a year since the affair so I am not feeling very good at the moment. My husband had the affair to "get out of the marraige" if I was mentally stable at the time I would probably have kicked him out, but as it stands I had MDD before the affair happened. The affair just caused me to get help for my self, I am much better now but worry constantly about my childrens well being

[Maven]

How are you going to handle your children's problems because you stayed? As for supporting his children financially, he needs to get a job! If you leave, you should go to court and get child support. This isn't your decision; your children have a legal right to financial support from both parents. One parent can't say, "I don't want his/her money"; by law, your child has the right to it.

I really think you need to talk to a therapist to help you find the strength to do what you need to do.

[Determined]

Don't think it is that easy. I filed for childsupport and it took 6 months just to get into court to deal with it. When a parent doesn't work they can only try to impose the support but it isn't something you can bleed a turnip dry. They are required to look out for his well being as well. You sound like just because he had an affair you can get things resolved overnight for your own benefit. It isn't that easy. I never even got back support for the months I waited for the court to take my case. You don't realize it isn't so easy. Yes it is not a reason to stay in a bad marriage but there are also issues that transpire increasing the amount of tension when you break up the family. You can't rush if there are no perfect solutions. You and your kids could be emotionally drained if you take drastic measures. Look for answers then if they seem reasonable then go for it. At least tell your husband you want to leave and will be filing for child support before you leave to see what he can manage. There are childsupport agencies that will get you started. However, the paperwork will be just a headache. Then following the course of action, it just is tougher than you think. It does make you feel better if you get somewhere but it will not be a cut and dry situation. Be prepared for less than what you would expect. It usually is the way it goes.

[Determined]

I understand that kids would need therapy but your missing the point. It is financially devestating on both of you not to mention the kids. Therapy is expensive have you realized she is working on a small income. She isn't staying with him just for the sake of the kids but for financial reasons. Yes he will have to pay for some childsupport and there are ways to work with food stamps, medicad, heating assistance, etc. but they never cover everything. You can struggle as well as your kids. I believe if they create an enviornment that works to resolve some of their financial problems then attack the marrital problems even if it is to move apart their may be less tension for all of them. The thing I learned the most from all that I went through is to try to be calm and rational. You can't continue blaming him anymore than he is blaming you. Start acting maturely and behave like you both have made mistakes and work to improve what went wrong not fight till you both loose.

[scorpio]

i totally agree with you determined. We are together for financial reasons and for the children. It is not as easy as black and white. There are a lot of things inbetween like not haveing to struggle financially and have the children suffer because of it. We are bith thinking of our children and what is the best solution for them aswell as us to be able to get along, We are getting along much better. What happened was a big mistake, but we do have to be mature about the whole situation for the children. I know that I have to look after myself, but when there are children involved I just have to think about them too. I don't agree with what he did, but I can't change the past, I have to look towards the future and what will the the best for us all.

[hillbunnyb]

whew, tuffy. i'm so glad things have calmed down a bit and you can talk to each other about the future. poverty sure does limit one's options, huh? takes a strong woman to be poor and coping AND growing, in this world.

i just hope that in the midst of holding your family together, you have found a way to take some time for yourself.