Insecurity/fear/trust issues... it's been too long. Help?

Okay, so, I'm a total newbie on these forums. So hi everyone!
I decided to register and look for help/advice from people who are foreign to my situation and hopefully have a more positive way of looking at things.

This will be long, so I apologise in advance and please bear with me.

First, some background info: I'm 24 years old and my partner is 25. I grew up with my parents (they're still together) but my father was very absent during my childhood. My partner lived with his parents until he was 6, when they divorced. His mother has always suffered from a few mental issues and his father only showed affection through giving him material things. He has no interest whatsoever for his son and will often make remarks as to how he should dress and keep his face shaved.

So I met my partner in 2011 on the internet. We became good friends and eventually decided to meet in person after a few months of daily contact. We already liked each other by that time but were too shy to step up. However, he would often take me out and things eventually evolved.

We started dating, and about one month after that he asked me to be his girlfriend, officially. I said yes. This was in January (2012). On that same month, I was offered the opportunity to travel to the US, and I visited Los Angeles for a week. It was amazing. After two weeks of my return, I started falling into depression... and I fell hard and deep.
(We weren't at our best when we decided to be together. I was in an unhealthy pattern of moving from partner to partner - having lost my identity a few years ago from a 3 year relationship that sucked all my soul out of me, and he had just been cheated on.)

So this man decided he would take care of me and help me go through this depression. What he didn't know is that he would be doing it for a whole year, because this depression was the result of some problems in my childhood and 10 years of several events that happened in my life (the possibility of losing my mom to cancer, suffering sexual abuse and humiliation by a so called friend, a depression that never got cured due to it, losing most of my friends, losing my identity, giving myself up to anyone in desperate need of love and security).

So after the depression settled in, the fights started. I would snap at anything he would, or wouldn't do. I was jealous, selfish, arrogant, cold, distant, needy, insecure. I needed him the most, and at the same time pushed him away. But he never left, which doesn't mean he didn't get tired of it eventually. Let me remind you this went on for a whole year. We had good memories, but few.

I went into therapy, and started making very small progress, but the problems were all still there. The mistakes, the broken promises I would make so that he wouldn't leave (although I know I couldn't do what I promised). He was obviously hurt, tired, and going down as well. In the last few months, he started telling me I'm a disappointment because of all the promises I had made that meant nothing because I wouldn't even try to get better or do something for myself (I was unemployed and didn't want to look for a job, so I stayed home everyday for him to come home to a negative, depressed girlfriend.)

So, last February, he finally broke up with me (after many warnings from him and even more promises from me so he wouldn't leave), saying he couldn't take it anymore, despite all the love he felt for me (he told me he loved me every. single. day. and would generally treat me like a princess).

Despite all the troubled, we were crazy about each other.

I didn't know how to react when he left me. I cried and tried to change his mind, but quickly gathered my stuff and went back to my parents'. I had to make a decision now: I'd either stay in bed dwelling deeper into my self-pity and negativity, or I'd just do something for myself without giving it too much thought. So I did, I got a job. I was so tired of depression.

Meanwhile, I was trying to get over him, hopeless that he would ever come back, because despite keeping contact with me, he started getting very angry and snapping at me for any reason. He treated me quite unfairly, even said a few harsh things to our friends and that only convinced me it was, in fact, over. I was deeply hurt. In fact, I was disappointed that he was acting like that now and being a complete jerk to me and about me.

One night, a friend of mine came on chat and told me that despite all the things he'd done, he truly liked me and cared for me. He talked to her in hopes that I would talk to him, because he had no way to contact me directly: I'd blocked him everywhere to stop any kind of contact so it could be easier for me.

I accepted talking to him a few days later and we met. He apologised for all the harsh things he ever said to me, and for the first time ever, admitted the wrong things he'd done in the relationship. He said that he would like to go out and have fun with me, and get back together, although he wanted to take it slow. I eventually said yes.

Now, what concerns me: I have a hard time trusting him after the harsh things he would say when we were together (I still obsess over how he might still think I'm a disappointment and inferior) and the things he said after we broke up.

We didn't make it official and I worried about that because he doesn't want to do that for now. I talked to him about it, and he said we have the commitment (and he wants it) but he doesn't think the time his right to ask me officially to be his girlfriend. He said we should worry about taking care of our personal issues now, taking it slow. However, he acknowledges I'm his partner.

A few things changed, and that's what's been making me more anxious and insecure: now he doesn't just want to go out with me, he wants to go out with his friends (something he wouldn't do because most of his friends aren't close). Yes, I realise this might be selfish and I might be overreacting... but some of these few friends are girls and I always worry they might be prettier or more interesting than me.
He doesn't seem to be as affectionate/caring/attentive as he used to be. However when we're together he always returns my affection. He said that doesn't mean anything, it just means he's more relaxed in the relationship because he doesn't have to worry about taking care of the depressed me anymore. Before the break up I'd tell him several times I loved being taken care of, but he didn't need to lose his sanity over my depression (although that will always happen when you love someone).

So, I'm extremely insecure. I obsess over how he probably doesn't like me that much and just doesn't want to be alone (although, frankly and thinking logically, that makes no sense because I'm high maintenance and he had the first experience - why repeat it a second time?). I obsess over the fact that now he likes pictures of some girls on tumblr (the blogging site). I obsess over the fact that now he's not all over me anymore as he used to, and that he's obviously more free and relaxed now.

We had a "fight" through e-mail two nights ago (stupid, especially because we seldomly fight in person - only online) and he got really mad. He told me to just cut the ******** and tell him what I want to do. If I'll just relax and have a normal relationship with him because everything's fine when we're together, or if I'm going to waste his time and efforts again.

I also think it's important to say that I act like this with everyone, eventually. When people are getting to know me, I'm a fun and mildly confident person. I'm great to be around, but once I let them in... I'm insecure, sometimes jealous, I have plenty of relationship anxiety, fear of abandonment, and I create scenarios in my head about how everyone will eventually deceive and hurt me intentionally, and finally leave.

So, my main concerns to sum it up:

• I'm not the center of his attention anymore, and that makes me insecure;
• He doesn't say he loves me anymore; just that he likes or adores me, sometimes but not nearly as often as before;
• Sometimes when I try to talk to him about this he gets angry because he keeps telling me the same things over and over and is tired;
• I have a hard time trusting him after the things he said... but he's never given me any other reasons not to trust him;
• After breaking up with me and especially after the things he said, my family and friends now don't like him. They used to, but not anymore. This is a huge concern to me, because I've been seeing him secretly and I hate lying to people;
• When I told him I miss the way he used to be (more caring/attentive/affectionate/kind) he said I would have to go back to who I was when he met me if I want to see his old self again...
• I want to be okay with him, we never had a peaceful relationship due to my depression and fighting. At the same time I'm wondering if I should just walk away, or do the opposite of what my fear tells me and stay.

/sigh

Hopefully I can get some logical thinking from everyone else, as I actually struggle to be able to. If I just let my emotions run wild, I'll act like a lunatic.

You need to set boundaries with him. Did your T could set up a goal focusing on the therapeutic treatment required for you to overcome the depression?

The dilemma is what you feel about keeping a relationship with him and your bf not being able to cope with your mental illness.

The trust thing is difficult to deal with and if he has had plenty of time to accept the situation what you have posted, then you need to discuss the whole things and what needs to be done to be acceptable to both parties. That is why I would prefer you work with your T as your T has had sessions with you. This is important to find the best option for you.

If you want logical thinking...

1) He used to say that he loved you
2) You used to be the center of his attention.

Then the long list of things described in the OP happened.

As a result,

1) he does not say that he loves you but does say that he adores you and likes you, which is a qualitative change, and not as frequently, which is a quantitative change
2) you are no longer the center of his attention, but you are still partly within his attention span, so this is a quantitative change, too

So there is a downward trend.

Presumably, if you keep doing the things you have been doing, the downward trend will continue.

So you need to do less of what you used to do or come up with new things.

Also some logical thinking - attraction is not based on prettiness alone, so do not worry so much about the possibility that the female friends might be prettier (plus, there is nothing to be done about it). You are probably plenty pretty and the issues that caused the separation had absolutely nothing to do with your looks (right?), so the attention given to the possibility of prettier rivals is misguided.

And, by way of giving advice that is 100% safe and universally applicable, you need distractions, interactions with other people, exercise (I should not be saying that...), and anything to extend YOUR attention beyond him.

There's a few things that you wrote that seemed a little unfair. You say that you were this horrible person to him during the depression, and you broke many promises. He stuck by you for a long time during that.. this must show how much he thought of you. You then say that you have a hard time getting past the harsh things he said when you broke up, despite him apologising. Do you think that you may be being a little unfair with this? He seems to be able to forgive enough to move on, and try again with you. I think you should try letting go of some of the past too, and try again with a fresh outlook.
I think too that you do not understand the taking it slow thing. To say that you do not like that you're no longer the center of his universe, and that he goes to see friends, but this is exactly what taking it slow is. Perhaps if you did what Hamster suggested, build up your own life, interests and hang out with your friends too that you may not be thinking this stuff over and over and dissecting everything he does or doesn't do. Just try enjoy being together when you are, building up trust, having a good time and creating some fun, wonderful memories to take over the hard past that you both had together.
I also think you need to keep working hard at the therapy. Low confidence is a horrible thing to suffer from, especially when it effects us so deeply as to obsess over him liking a photo on tumbler or overthinking things with his actions. You need to also learn to trust him and his word when he says he wants to be with you - these things will be a little easier with working on your own self confidence and sorting through your past issues. I know that's so so so very hard when you've been through everything that you have, and its going to be tough. But please, keep working with the therapist and remember to be kind to yourself too. You've been through a lot.

As for your family, just tell them if you hate lying. While they do not like him, am sure that they will be happy if you're happy. They obviously only see one side of the story, your side, and that you probably told them when you'd broken up and were angry.

Good luck with everything.. and please try to relax and just enjoy being together.
Hugs

We worked on it for a long time, but I've always had a hard time when taking meds and anti-depressants, so I always quit on them. I haven't visited my therapist in some time now and she's probably assuming I'm doing fine. The last advice I got from her regarding my relationship was "if you're going to start all over again, do it as adults and don't act like kids... this goes for both of you".

Meanwhile, I lost my job and I'm now in this situation. So I should start my sessions again.

I've thought about that and it makes sense. And that's usually how it goes between us: we fight, he withdraws, but with time it gets better and he becomes more caring and affectionate.

What's happening now is that he's not talking to me after the fight we had through e-mails. Yesterday I finally replied to his last e-mail saying that I was staying silent because I was working on myself and he replied "to be honest, I've lost faith in all this" which triggered my anxiety. I've heard this from him plenty of times, but this time I don't know what to do. I'd usually wait until he talked to me or missed me, or I'd make him a surprise visiting him after work or something like that.
So I replied to that apologising and telling him that I was unfair and wrong and that I'm not trying to convince him of anything, but hope he will forgive me. I told him he didn't have to reply if he doesn't want to, and that I understand. And he hasn't.

Yes, that's very much correct. Although it's hard especially now that he's not talking to me and I have no idea what's going through his head, if he's going to let it go and eventually miss me, or if he's done with me. I can't even sleep well.

Ugh... I don't even know how to respond to that. You're right.

Thank you all. Now I just need to figure out what to do: wait, or try to see him. I'm scared of the outcome. I though I'd lost him once, I don't want that feeling again.

It seems that written communications catalyze your fights. Stick to oral speevh for now?

We agreed on that but it obviously wasn't enough, as we ended up in this situation. I thought about asking him "what now?", but that will probably trigger him and I don't want to push him at all. I thought about visiting/surprising him but I don't want him to feel like I don't respect his personal space or feelings.

His last e-mail was 3 days ago, asking me if we were going to just relax and be happy together and quit the ********. That's when I stopped replying because I wanted to calm down. If I didn't, I'd just send him another angry reply and I didn't want that.
So I waited until last night, telling him I was sorry and that nothing seems as bad as it seemed on that day... to which he replied "to be honest, I've lost faith in all this".

/sigh... so lost.

Riotgrrl's catch that you might have influenced your family into thinking negativeky of him is greatt.

It is possible?

Very much so.

A case in point, both sad and funny, from personal experience.

Sixteen or so years ago, I had a suitor. No relationshp, but just formally a suitor.

He was a couple of years older, in the same school but in an advance degree program.

During the first semester, we had a few social interactions. I reported everything about him in my phone conversations with my older female cousin who lived in ny.

She did not like him. Not just a bit, no. She thought that he was an undercover FBI agent.

During the second semester, I took his class, and because he was very formal and proper in all he did, he withdrew from attempting to strike a relationship.

Then he completed his degree program and moved to la to work. From there, he would occasionally call me and propose marriage. I did not even consider the proposals.

Then I met and quickly married a guy who turned out to be a complete disaster.

Recently, I reconnected with the fbi agent. He now lives in london with his wife and young children.

He remembered the name of my son after sixteen years. I commented on it.

He said that he remembered because I was his hero and one the kindest and most intelligent woman in his life.

He and the family visited sf for a day on business. We got together for a glass of wine. He introduced me as his best student.

Impressionas. Lovely guy, lovely wife, pleasant looking and extremely well behaved children.

He is charming, warm, and with an infectious smile.

So I was thinking to myself: WHY did my cousin who never saw him think that he was an undercover FBI agent???

Until I realized that I INFLUENCED her. Yes, he looked odd on campus because he was a bit too formal and unstudentlike in his appearance and the way he talked. But he now has the same appearance andtalks in the same way but no longer looks odd. He is not a student but. A senior partner in london and how he dresses and talks is now in line. A bit too formal for a studnet he was, but not to the point of suspecting the undercover agent career...

I do not blame my cousin. I blame myself.

Wait it out and stop writing cerebral emails. If you, write short texts about feeling. Better and hoping to get together for a short while.

Thanks Hamster. That was cute, thanks for sharing.

I've probably influenced them too. The thing is that they'd told me they didn't want to meet any more of my partners because 3/4 years ago I was dating this guy who ended up being an idiot and it hurt them a lot, especially because they welcomed him on our family holidays and even helped him financially.

They were reluctant to meet my current partner but when I told them last Christmas that he had no one to stay with, they didn't hesitate and invited him over. It was a lovely night, he even slept in my bed with me (something that would be unthinkable for my father). When he broke up with me they were hurt by the decision and didn't care if it was my fault or not. They always defend me.

Many people wish for a supportive family... so there is a silver lining.

I can't complain at all. Ignoring the fact that my father wasn't present in my childhood and that he drives us crazy, my mom is always extremely supportive... but that also means that she will defend me and rarely thinks I'm in the wrong when other people leave.

It sounds like things are not what they used to be but you already know that. Maybe it's best for you to take some time apart and wait and see if he comes around.

That's what I'm trying to do, waiting for him to come around. It's one of the most difficult things ever, and I'm the most impatient person I know...

Based on observations rather than first hand experience:

Usually, waiting for someone to come around is counter-productive. It is when you stop waiting that they would, paradoxically. And then you won't know what to do anymore - do you still want them?..

I understand what you're trying to say, but I think that would be applied better in a case of break up, which is not the case here. At least not yet.

The fact that he only said he's "lost faith in this" and nothing else (like "and we should stop seeing each other" or something along those lines) is what's giving me the strength to be patient in giving him space. I've heard that from him hundreds of times before. He usually says it when he's down, having a bad day, or when he's still angry after some fight (he's a bit of a drama queen sometimes, like me). Besides, he wouldn't make that decision and put it to practice through e-mail. He'd do it personally.

I had to face that question in my head - do I still want him? - when he talked to me and asked me if we could give it another try and start all over. But I still did, and do. It's not that I can't live without him, it just sucks to do so.

Sorry, I hope I didn't offend too much. I read what I wrote and some of it was blunt, sorry. Good luck, and hope it all works out well for you guys.

It's alright, no offense taken at all. Thank you for your advice.

If anyone is still reading this, it's over (again). Actually while he was silent, apparently he made the decision that we're not together anymore. He only proceeded to INFORM me of that yesterday, on online chat, and not even in person. He still has the nerve to tell me that he wants to meet me one of these days to talk about it. No, thanks.

I've made plenty of mistakes. He's made them too, and I don't think those define him. I still saw the best he had to offer as my partner and as a human being. However, I think it's a bad sign when you're with someone that doesn't bring the best in you anymore, and you're the one struggling to give your best at all times in fear that it might not be enough.

I'm angry, frustrated, hurt, I feel used and betrayed.

Now all the clichés like "I'll never find someone who truly loves me" or "I'll never feel this for anyone else" are coming to mind. /sigh

Am sorry to read this, rotten news.

Please don't think that you'll never find someone... and take care of yourself huh? See friends, treat yourself and be kind to you.

Hugs.

I have the same issues with trust with a friend of mine. I'd love to not have abandonment fears sometimes.

It may seem that way now but just think to yourself at least you can possibly find that special someone now that you are free. I believe things happen for a reason

Yes, eventually. Thank you everyone. <3

yes everything happens for a reason and in the end everything works out the way it need be.